So i've been meaning to start writing my thoughts on a daily basis for quite a while now, i guess on a Tuesday at 5:30 in the morning is as good a time as any. Most of my hesitation has perhaps stemmed from the amount of seemingly insurmountable work that is required to try introducing myself to anyone of whatever creed that happens to be reading this. I guess i can assume that if someone is reading this page now though s/he is a more or less educated individual with an inherent interest in discovery and perhaps a journey to enlightenment, most thugs and rednecks that i know of don't know much about the internet (not that most net people know much about our cyber infrastructure anymore…), nor are they much into information gathering.
So my pseudonym is "tid242" all people mentioned from this point on will be referred to via pseudonyms such as "SMEAT!" or "darthmullet." These pseudonyms are not necessarily to protect anyone, the only people who would care are those who know who the fuck i'm talking about anyway, but probably more of a gage of caliber/personality for the reader, pseudonyms are a lot more interesting than "bob," "Jane," "hank," or "frank," and everyone should be given the opportunity to name him or herself, people have a right to be known of by their own accord.
The places i will talk about will be real however, i will not mask the names, locations or dates of places i happen to write about, i would like to keep everything in this forum as real as possible. I will also try to write as informally as possible, i would like this to sound like more of a conversation than a book and less abstract or brutal than much of my writings.
I've been musing over the idea of having an online diary for sometime, the biggest drawback (apart from the aforementioned fear of the work involved) has been the idea of all the people i care about the most having full access to all my thoughts and feelings about not only them, but to all things in general. Fear plays a large part in our lives; it drives, shapes and makes us. It's so easy to be afraid of letting people see the real me, the mask of mystery, or society seems far too appealing far too often. I contemplated the idea of writing my shit, and posting it online a predetermined amount of time later, such as 3, 6, 9, 12 months or something, but you know, fuck it, the mask of time is in every respect as ruthless as the masks of social norm and nondisclosure. Hiding behind the veil of the clock has hurt myself, my relationships, and my friends more than i care to admit, those little secrets eating, nagging, picking, pricking, killing for so long, has made me become a gatekeeper of sorts trying to hold torrents of tiny biting insects at bay. So fuck it. Here's 100% tid242, and i have nothing left to hide.
Back in Fargo, contrary to [seemingly] popular opinion, it's nothing like that stupid fucking movie. I never actually watched the entire movie, i turned it off when the Japanese guy with a Scandinavian accent made his appearance, enough is enough, we all don't talk like fucking Volvo-driving toboggan lovers, just like everyone from Canada doesn't say "Eh" all the time, nor do folks from Texas say "ya'll" in every sentence. Leave it to Hollywood to twist the knife of social divide, evil empire, perhaps most of the reason i don't really watch movies anymore, i can't give those bastards anything for what they do. Actually, i guess i'm thinking mostly of the MPAA the king of all evils in America today… TVs worse, but i stopped watching that years ago, so i have to keep moving up the totem pole with my boycotts i suppose :)… actually i still catch a movie here and there :p.
Back to my original train of thought though. I just arrived back into Fargo this morning at around 1300, showered, fit in some hours in the lab, and then crashed for about 8 here at the apartment, my roomy darthmullet, a friend of ours, UAIOE and myself were going to run to Bennigans and have us some thick beer (i had been craving a tall Guinness all day…) but never got around to it, so instead of waking up at 2100, going out, then sleeping and waking up at 0800 or so like a "normal" person i get fucked into waking up at 0200 and staying up 'til whenever we get back from going out tonight. ANYWAY i got back to Fargo from Minneapolis yesterday. I didn't work on either Sunday or Monday at the hospital, so as usual when i have a couple of days off i have to get the hell outta' here and go someplace that actually has some allure to me…a mutual friend of everyone's, Mess had a graduation party on Saturday night in her Coon Rapids home, it was a good excuse to get my ass down to the cities in any event. This summer i have been trying to get down there as much as possible, pretty much all of my friends live down there now, and i can foresee myself moving there in 2 years when i graduate from NDSU up here. From my distorted vision Minneapolis seems to have everything that Fargo does not, although i think most of it is just the fact that there are people there that i relate to, and there aren't really any up here (with a few obvious exceptions). A few weeks ago i started seeing one of my classmates (dena8) from NDSU who is on an internship in Apple Valley for the summer, i don't really want to talk about this right now (no not in a bad way) but this is another reason why i really like Minneapolis presently, she, however was not there this past weekend, as she went camping with her parents on Sunday night.
Fuck man, i'm starting to ramble, and stare into space a lot… i think that means i'm done writing for now…mostly because i don't feel like what i'm writing has any direction right now…and this would be because i'm writing about my life, which also happens to seemingly be lacking in an overall direction. Dunno what the fuck i wanna' do, but more on that later.
Another couple of nights pass, as usual nothing elapses here in Fargo, it's as if time, life, and meaning grind to a halt and all the people in the world stare ahead for weeks on end with blank, stupid expressions belying their own detachment from a mundane world. If one stops and listens long enough do you know what he/she will hear?…..shhhhhhh….. ……. Did you hear it? It sounds like nothing, but, that my friend is the sound of the world passing you by while you're standing in a boring hopeless police-state town trying to figure out what the hell you're supposed to be listening to…
Anyway i just got back from work a little while ago, the past two nights darthmullet and i have gone out to Bennigan's, which is just another bar & grill trash-hole hang-out where white people go hoping in vain to get laid, but here in Fargo it's like the fucking best place in the city to hang out: the grill is actually open 'til midnight, NEWCASTLE on tap, and a less intrusive atmosphere, if you can ignore all the white folks that is… shit, so we've gone there the past two nights so i could suck down some Black and Tans, if i closed my eyes and took a drink in my own personal darkness it almost felt like i wasn't in Fargo, almost…. But it's cool to go out every once and a while anyway, and if you get their shit between 2100 and 0000 it's all like ½ off, which is also pretty fucking cool, it's principle more than anything though i suppose. Tonight we didn't go out, darthmullet was waiting for beth, his girlfriend, to call, she called and we decided we didn't feel like doing much after he got off the phone, by that time i had already eaten a muffin, 4 pieces of toast and stared on some crackers, which i'm still working on now… i tell ya' a dick gets hungry when he doesn't eat all day because he's too busy running around working and shit… it's times like these when i try and figure out what i did today that was productive and weigh it against what i wish i would have gotten done, i suppose most importantly SMEAT!, tizmo and i got all our DNS shit figured out for mordant.com, which will be where this will eventually be hosted when this file gets lucky and doesn't have to sit on my pathetic cpu in my apartment without an inet connection anymore. As always i wish i would have written something today, but as usual i didn't due to being busy with other shit. There's a group in Fargo called the "Red River Free Thinkers," who are now lobbying to get a big fucking stone block with the 10 commandments engraved upon it removed from the city hall. Seems pretty cool to me and i wanted to drop them an e and see what they were all about. But of course i didn't get around to it. I also wanted to get ahold of my investment person as i heard a bunch of white guys that supposedly run the country decided to boost the annual IRA cap to 3g instead of 2, and just give her some money to put away and stuff. Another thing i didn't get done. I was thinking yesterday that i should wash some of my clothes soon, which really means tonight, but since it's like 0030 now, and i'm tired as fuck (fuck's pretty tired you know) drinking a newkie (NewCastle) i think that won't happen.
Looking at all of this i'm naturally really proud of the fact that i got next to nothing productive done, while at the same time managed to attain the same enjoyment that a person normally gets when she/he does errands. It's all swell.
So dena8 is coming up to Fargo this weekend, she has to start hauling some of her shit back up here from Minneapolis, so naturally i told her i'd help her move, she said "really, i'll give you a call then," so when she calls on Saturday i'll probably just tell her to go to hell and that i don't want to have anything to do with moving her shit….actually should be cool, we'll get her stuff moved in then we were thinking about going fishing in Fergus Falls, but it's a ways away, and, well we'll have to see how time works out and shit, otherwise i dunno wtf we'll do, or if she even wants to hang w/ me or what… darthmullet and beth were thinking about coming with us to go fishing, but we'll see what they end up deciding to do. You know dena8's pretty fucking cool, but goddamn all that relationship-type stuff is fucked up, good thing we're both like totally disenfranchised with that kind of thing and our entire relationship seems to be reduced to the words "whatever, we'll see what happens." Seems so mature in a way, but conversely seems so foreign and insensitive (which is what one usually engages in relationships to get away from in the first place). Sometime i think i'll give you the skinny on all of that boring relationship stuff, another day for religion, another day for world hunger, another day for….. yea, whatever, i usually feel like a loaded gun when i start thinking about this kind of stuff… but shit, i think i'm gonna call it a night, i'll write more shit some other time…
so it's been a while since i've written anything for the light, i know those first two entries were so damn killer i'm sure there's so many people out there just holding their breaths waiting like children for that breath of insight from soon to be nagging parents.
In truth i have little if anything to say, i work 13 hour days all the while thinking interesting thoughts, and rambling musings in my mind that i know could develop into interesting ideas, by the time i'm done however, i'm fucking through and can't think about anything interesting to say, i just want sleep. This week i've been going out and having a beer every night after work, here in Fargo there isn't too much to choose from in that respect, i've been going to bennigan's, which is cool i have a tall beer and an app for like $7.50. i've been drinking mostly Guinness either straight of mixed 50/50 w/ Bass , tonight darthmullet and i went there and i had a tall Newcastle, oddly enough it tasted really weak both in flavor and alcoholic content compared to anything with Guinness in it, tomorrow i'm gonna' go to Old Chicago with some people from work as well as darthmullet, should be cool, i plan to get fucking toasted off Moose Drool tomorrow night. 'twill be fucking sweet! Anyway i went to Luigi's last night, which is a locally owned Italian restaurant, they post their menu online and it reads "9-close - half off appetizers" to me that statement means from 9-1 apps are half-off there, being that they close at 1, but apparently "9-close" really means "9-11" how the fuck does that work? Anyway i ordered a Killians Red drank two sips, found they didn't have anything to eat, paid my tab, left, and went to fucking Bennies to have a tall Guinness and a Queso. The moral of this story: don't go to Luigi's to drink or eat apps late at night, the whole idea of time discrimination has really pissed me off for a while.
So if i work from 10a-11p every day why the fuck should i not be entitled to the same benefits given to people that shop at that time in "normal" establishments? The only stores peddling products open when it's actually somewhat convenient for me are Walmart, Perkins, and grocery stores, the first two selling such horribly inferior products they can hardly be targeted at selling to "normal" people, the latter usually staffed late at night with a person with the mental competence of 1/3 that of a regular employee. Being that regular employees at any of the aforementioned establishments are usually only about 1/4 of what i would consider the bare minimum requirements to be classified as a person, really they're like 1/12 of my bare minimum, hardly living up to any shred of expectation i may have…. So to be afforded the same goods and services offered to people who have nothing better to do than shop for them during the day and make borealis cracker babies by night i have to interrupt my personal schedule simply because i don't conform with "normal" schedules. Why is it that the person that works more than the average schmoe must alter his/her schedule because the average schmoe is too fucking lazy to have a real schedule in the first place?
"my wife" here is a title that really pisses me off, as if anyone that calls his wife "my wife" instead of "Angie, Jodi, Janis, Chloe" or whatever is talking to someone who doesn't know that whoever the fuck he's talking about is his wife. The title "my wife" is a tool of male superiority and assertion that yes, indeed this woman is taken. "you can talk to Angie, but remember she's taken…" why don't they just fucking say it if that's what they're trying to get across. "is my wife working today," "i'll probably spend the day with my wife." All of a sudden that special someone who a person's willing to build the rest of his life with becomes "my something-or-other?" why the ownership? What's wrong with addressing people by their names? Why don't the women say anything about this?-apparently when you're owned you don't speak up or something. Fucking white man. Fucking white.
Marriage is such a fucked up means to get yourself fucked. There's nothing wrong with the idea of being with someone special for the rest of one's life, but why should this need to be set in stone by a dogmatic marital ceremony? Can't i just be with someone for the rest of my life, why is it society feels there needs to be some public announcement of my partner and my own unavailability? It goes back the roots of "my wife:" security, just like so much else in our society relationships are wrought of fear, of difficulty, of closed doors. The titled of being married only acts to limit the abilities of an individual to choose his/her own future. If people really like each other and are secure with their feelings toward one another the ceremony of marriage becomes a fickle gesture. Of course like so much else religion has it's perverse grasp upon the idea of marriage, trying to sell ideas of pre-marital celibacy and a limited variety of personal liberties, marriage, like all things touched by religion becomes a prison and a moral testing ground, pitting pseudo-morals against those actually beneficial to humanity until the brainwashed cannot differentiate between the two, thereby judging others solely by the symbol worn around the neck, forgetting that the neck belongs to an autonomous being. This is why heads are hung in shame upon necks bearing symbols of any creed, discrimination, alienation, and desolation becomes such an inseparable part of simply existing within our culture that we actually start to believe that these feelings define existence in general. i think a lot about this all, no one has really had much of a good counter-argument to this philosophy, but still i see so few people that actually feel free and trusting enough to embrace this ideology, flawed it may be, but no less so than the skeleton-strewn closet doors of the average Joe. And then again there's nothing wrong with the idea of not wanting to ever be with anyone either…
I just wish people could be more open-minded about things, too often i feel like crying when i watch people trying so desperately to conform to a system that was only designed for a small percentage of the population. After a while life itself becomes a struggle to remember who we are, and what we belief. Dead unto the world we scarcely ask who we aren't, and what we don't believe. These questions define ourselves, our race, and our meager existence here on earth, so why is it no one ever bothers to ask them?
It's raining outside, but i scarcely notice through the dreary downpoar so deep within.
Damn too much Gouda, Crackers and Cheap Italian table Wine.
so I've been meaning to write more often, but damn, shit is busy sometimes. I'm at work in the lab right now, but in typical NDSU-sucks fashion I walk into the building and all the lights are off, I'm like "oh, that's kind of neat the lights are off" well the fucking lights are out because there's no power, no backup power, no anything. NDSU can't afford a backup generator, and it certainly can't, or won't afford to reimburse anyone for lost productivity or capital because of power outage… -70, 70 what's the difference anyway.
This is a typical example of why anyone that wants to actually get anything done, or go to a respectable school should not attend NDSU, of course you wouldn't have a problem being accepted, as long as you're breathing and stuff as NDSU is fucking desperate for cash since there's like a $3k/year tuition cap and the penny-pinching mullet-loving student body votes down any tuition hike put on the table. I remember once a few years ago the school bumped tuition by 135 bucks a year, and people were all complaining and saying shit to the newspapers like: "school's just getting so expensive, I don't know how I'm going to afford the hike…" then the same dumb-asses are the ones putting down 30 bucks four times a week on getting trashed. It's like wtf? It's 135 bucks, that's nothing, I could work at fucking mcdonalds and make that in a couple of days. People are idiots.
This is true for faculty positions as well, if you want to get shit done don't go to NDSU, of course if you suck too much to get a job anywhere else you can always look here for a paycheck though, because as always, we'll take anyone…
Power's back on! For 5 minutes? 15 minutes? A day? Who knows? Hopefully for a while anyway but how can one know? It inspires trust in people such as myself to go and split some cells in a room with no windows when the power could die again at any time, good thing there's backup here…. Or something.
so i've never written an entry into a notebook before, kind of sucks because 1) i can't write nearly as fast as i can type and 2) i have to re-input all this shit later anyway which sucks, but i'm never home. Damn makes me realize how much i need a laptop. I'm at bennies tonight, the waitres (the one that actually seems like a real person) introduced herself tonight. Her name is "Melanie" seems pretty cool, a MSU student who, like most peole our age, has no idea WTF she wants to do… actually kind of surprises me she was interested in introductions being that i have not been here in over a week. Must have noticed i hadn't been taking up space, writing in a notebook in her section for a few days. So usually this place has a fair amount of people here, but tonight it was fucking packed Melanie informed that it is/was "mug night" where individuals can bring in mugs & pay to drink beer from them, apparently this is a popular thing… sounds all-american to me, it's died down a bit now though, but it's last call… wonder if people drive while drinking being that they're their own mugs anyway… probably leads to a whole lot of less American cars on the road after they are all impounded and/or wrecked…
i'm really sorry, been meaning to write for a while now but i'm as lazy as anyone when it comes to getting off my ass. Since last time….shit… took the MCAT on Saturday, that was alright, so that was my excuse the week before for not writing…studying, uh…except i didn't actually study any… purchased myself a GP pour Ferrari Automatic Chronograph a little while ago. it's totally fucking sweet in every way, thinking about getting a stainless steel bracelet for it though, the croc-skin leatherseems really delicate. You know a lot of people i've talked to this summer purchased themselves bikes and stuff like that for their "summer purchase," i figure i'll use my watch every day of my life, until i get a new one anyway, and if history is any guid that'll be a whole 3 months… i'm already kind of hard about DJR watches, dunno much 'bout them though.
in other news been thinking about an art trip to Chicago to see a Van Gogh exhibit, 200 bucks/person would prob get 2 tix, one for Dena8 perhaps? Dunno. So shit she's in Minneapolis right now and working & beating up twe kwan do punching bags & i haven't heard from her in… well probably a week or so, seems like longer & just brings to the forefront the fact that i really don't know WTF's going on… i'm not committed & she doesn't want commitment & perhaps not even a relationship at all, but i feel committed & tied down nonetheless, hope she doesn't feel the same. Anyway bar's closing, write more later.
after I got home from Bennies last night I pretty much just hit the hay (went to sleep for those of you whom are unfamiliar with American expressions), got up foggy-headed this morning from my whopping 1 beer, and made my way here to the lab, where I am now waiting for DNA to pass through a gel… yea it's about as exciting as it gets…
so a new day, and I still haven't heard anything from anyone, wish people would have more excitement in their lives and share it via E mail or something. Actually my life could just be more exciting and I wouldn't need to hear about the happenings of other people. School starts up here next Tuesday (aug28), don't know why NDSU always starts on a Tuesday, but it's alright, because within the first three weeks, we always have 2 3-day weekends because of labor day, or memorial day or wtf ever government-run holiday it is, they're all the same anyway, no one really gives a shit about any of them so long as they don't have to work, except for veterans because they actually remember what the celebrations stand for, history's all written by the bastard-winners anyway, a slight of fate and we'd be happy we didn't have to work for "Benedict Arnold day," or "Nazi killing of the last Jew day…" we're all so fucking fallible we'd love anything we're told we like.
I'm pretty pumped as I have the next three days off from work, I mean like totally off as in I don't work at the hospital or at the lab. I was originally planning on trekking down to mpls, but mrtizmo will be in fungus balls (Fergus falls) this weekend anyway for a family thing, scheides moved to scotland, fitzy moved back to FF, dunno wtf T-dog's doing, but he still owes me $20, anyway I kind of need to stay in the area and get shit done, I'm gonna' be really white and take all my laundry home this weekend and do it there, change my oil, and all that fun stuff. bewitched, one of my ex-classmates was attending PA school in mpls, but now quit (because it was dumb) and is back in the fargo area as this is where her family is. We might hang on sun. sometime. Also choirgirl is leaving for Africa in about a week or so, and wanted to do something before she left, which would be cool too.
I'm going to get a cell phone on Saturday before I take off for FF, been meaning to get one for a while, and I think it's finally time, I've decided to go with Sprint PCS, as for my needs it offers the most for the least, their area covers most interstates and major metropolitan areas, also all I've heard is complaints about the other services offered up here. I can get 3000 minutes/month for 50 bucks, which is less than what I've been paying lately for our "normal" phone. We get our current phone service through Qwest, long distance through MCI. Qwest started sleeping with fucking Microsoft a few months ago for all their internet subscribers are now all on MSN, plus they jack the fuck out of prices, and all the taxes, fees, and shit they tack onto the bill makes it absolutely exorbitant, actually Qwest doesn't make all the fees and shit it's the feds, but fuck the feds too, as if my tax money isn't enough for their pork-barreled hidden agendas. We've been paying over $100/month for phone and long distance, and darthmullet and I share a fucking line, we can each have our own mobile lines for that much. Plus Qwest has failed to provide us DSL for the past 3 years while continually being un-helpful with information as to when it's coming, where we can get it, where the fucking nodes are, and the like. So fuck 'em, microsoft-loving bastards will have no more of our business. I'm still pissed at sprint actually because when we first got a phone a few years ago they were charging us like $0.35/min for all long distance, just fucking jacking us hardcore, but I think sprintPCS is more of a subsidiary, and they're not fucking Microsoft at the moment like Qwest is. Qwest also sells our name and number to fucking telemarketing companies, how do I know this? Well because our phone is registered under SMEAT!'s name, though he does not live there, nor has he ever. But somehow we still get tons of mailbox spam for him, and if they're selling to mailbox marketers, they sure as hell are selling to telemarketers. Not only do they sell our name, but they telemarket to us themselves. One day this summer I actually didn't have to work, and was actually home, a call comes up that says "Unavailable" on the ID, with no number, "Hello." I answered "Hi may I speak to SMEAT! Please?" "who is this?" "is this Mr. SMEAT!?" "who is this?" I again replied. "This is some name-less idiot @ Qwest, I was just looking over your phone bill and noticed that you do not have 'automatic anonymous call rejection' and I'd like to …. " I cut her off "no we don't want that shit, don't ever call here again." And I hung up. I mean IDIOTS! Their call was anonymous, they would've blocked themselves. Maybe that's how they know if you have automatic call rejection or not, they just call every single one of their customers and see if they block themselves…. What a bunch of fucking dumb-asses nonetheless. It's really great to automatically reject people that try to get ahold of us with calling cards and masked networked phones from work, or out of state calls, or international calls. Yea that's a fucking great idea.
Damn I need to get a laptop, would be sweet to just be able to sit down, set up and write digitally whenever I wanted to. Laptops are too expensive though, no one sells any old ones, and who the hell needs the horsepower in every single one of the laptops sold today? I'd much rather pay 400 bucks for a 2-year old laptop than 2000 for a new one with shit I don't need for writing HTML… would be nice to have a sleek portable system with mandrake and windowmaker.
Anyone feels like donating a laptop to my laziness feel free, e-me and I'll give ya the addie :)
darthmullet's girlfriend, Beth is back in town now, although they are both perhaps leaving today for Rochester for Beth's brother's wedding… she likes to cook, so perhaps there'll be some food there when I get home from work tonight, although I think I'll probably go out and get a bite and a drink at Bennies again though anyway, wonder if Melanie works, think she said she didn't work on Fridays… besides they have the paper at Bennies, we don't have any trashy media to read at our apartment.
Anyway I think that's about all for now.
So it's the first day of school this year, already it's feeling the same
as all of the other years of school i've had, makes me wonder if it's just
North Dakota that i'm tired of, school in general, myself, the midwest, i
don't know... i see so many new faces, but the same look in everyone's
eyes. for now it is somewhat a look of overwhelming wonderment as people
get away from home, away from the parents, start to break old ties,
looking desperately for new ties and the like, soon it will be "the look
of the dead" as i so often think of it as, eyes not shining, but looking
at the ground as they try to remember 10,000 meaningless things, and have
1000 nagging voices on their minds reminding them that bills are due, the
test is tomorrow, the significant other is being stupid, their friends are
pissed off, and all that other stupid shit we all think about. Of course
it's the same look in the eyes of all the non-freshman as well: the "fuck
another year" look. People, for the most part, don't like it much here,
everyone's either biding time until they get to move away, or are fucking
their discontentment away with alcohol and dead-end relationships. The
city also doesn't seem to much want us (college people) here either as it
specifically targets us as the reciepient of numerous bull-shit law
enforcement measures aimed at making the city money. i mean shit, it's
not like anyone's going to stay here and pay taxes when we're done with
school.... especially after paying an $800 (yes that is the correct
amount) fine for exercising one's right to drink alcohol before the
arbitrary age of 21. i for one never drank anything before i was 21, and
actually held off until about half-way through my 21st year of life, but
still feel strongly that 21 is a stupid age to allow people to start
drinking, i mean we're ADULTS when we're 18, but apparently not REAL
adults until we're 21, except that we're still statistically discriminated
against for insurance, and law enforcement purposes, as well as generally
by society until we become dead-beats with the same dead-end jobs that the
rest of america has. what's the expression?-"misery loves company."
Innovation and vision are qualities that are espoused in the stated ideals
of our society but nowhere do i look to see these traits view in light,
unless of course it's making someone a bunch of money, in which case they
are viewed with jelousy and resentment. In the college years, or whatever
you would like to call them, an individual's future is not encased in
stone, and he/she can theoretically become whoever he/she wants to be. is
this perhaps the reason that society stigmatizes people of this age?
Simply because they are not yet a slave to their own choice? Again, the
misery of the masses will only accept your company if you too are a
miserable amalgam of themselves.
The term "land-locked" seems to fit the overall feeling of Fargo very
well. In ancient times water, and the sea were the life of a city, a
means of commerece, social and cultural exposure and interaction, but
above all a sense of freedom, of wonderment. All one must do is peer out
in the early morning at La Mer in all her majestic seemingly infinate
beauty and a feeling of being somewhere, connected to far-off lands by the
same swelling sea of life. One can watch ships coming and going,
traveling to the next city, yours just one port in many, connected to
people you've never seen, by these ships ferring culture from one place to
the next. Today, Fargo, land-locked. We have not La Mer, instead we have
interstate highways connecting the puny freedom-hating town of fargo to
even smaller cities in all cardnal directions, only southeast does one
happen upon Mpls/st.paul although only 4 hours away, worlds apart in terms
of people living, talking, breathing. looking out at the expanse of
I-94's concrete does not seem to inspire the individual quite the way the
beauty of the ocean does, nor does it seem to bring people together,
confined to those personal vessels called "cars" we drive from one place
to the other, isolated inside our own private bubble of ignorance, of
loneliness. We in america love loneliness, though not autonomy. our
feelings have been misplaced by the absence of culture, absence of unity,
but most of all absence of humanity, the sense of some greater purpose, of
what it means to be human, devoid of any feeling of obligation towards our
people, our race. Even our religion is individualized a blatant hypocracy
for its mass market: "you can go to heaven if you just propigate this
belief, and everyone else will go to hell..." fucking everyone thinks
this. i mean we're all fucking fallable, either we're all going to
heaven, or we're all not. personally i think the latter, personally i
think we're not going anywhere at all...
So again i return to the idea of being tired. What am i tired of? do i
really hate Fargo, or is it me? is it anything? does this place, and my
thoughts even deserve my time contemplating their existence? what are my
thoughts worth? does anyone care? do i care? will anyone read this and
see my point of view? agree with me? feel, not just understand, but feel
what i'm saying? or will i be the only one to read this, sometime in the
future, letting myself fall back to what i'm feeling this instant, this
day, this year, this part of my life, is my own writting, ideas, thought
holding me back, strapping me down, locking me where i am?
What do you think?
If i didn't think would i be lost, or would i be found? Am i holding on
to a rock? Is this rock sinking or are the torrents of society trying to
pull me away? Is there any way to know without letting go, giving in,
giving up? Will anybody care?
i think above all else, before all other things, this is why i am tired.
this conundrum of vessicitude, i'm so far from ambivalence, yet i'm almost
standing upon it, teetering upon the edge. Libra cannot seem to save me,
i fall either one way, or the other, balancing upon the apex weighs me
not, pauli's exclusion principle tells me i cannot balance me against
myself, and heisenberg continually insists that i cannot measure where i
am. can i balance myself agsinst the rock, or is the rock me, and we are
inseparable? most of the time i feel it's inside, holding me steady while
the world does stupid things, while everything falls from my favour by its
own accord, and i become the rock that people hold on to, wanting me to
save them from whatever it is sweeping them away. Are they freeloaders,
are they deserving, am i obligated as a human to help them? Or are they
the rocks and i the one being swept away? Are people trying to help or
pull me away? Everything seems so relative, and philosophically
everything is relative, maybe that's the problem, why we have no culture,
no identity. But we aren't philosophical by nature, we can't follow what
we can't understand. Perhaps we're lost because we are naive to the world
around us. Perhaps not just to the world around, but also to the world
within. Naive by nature? Tired, lonely by nature? Me or everyone? Are
these all one and the same, Naivety, weariness, Lonliness, individuality,
i got home from school today at about 1900 or so, at which time i promptly fell asleep to awaken about half an hour ago. i wanted to go out to Bennies or something tonight, but obviously that didn't happen. The first day of school for this year is now over and done with, already it's the same shit, same faces, same feeling of "oh, do we have to fucking do this shit???" i hate that feeling, it's like hopelessness incarnate, in a very fucked up sense. By the time one's a P3 (third year professional pharmacy student, 5th year student) mostly people just want to get the hell out of school, for me it's not so much getting out of school, but getting the fuck out of NDSU, and North Dakota in general.
i was thinking about grabbing a sandwich at 25th street market for supper tonight, but didn't know if i wanted to spend the money, being that i would have been going to Bennies it would have ended up being $20 for the night, which is kind of too much to spend on just myself, especially since i am now officially poor now that school's started. Also i was more or less expecting dena8 to call tonight, but she never did. So she just got all moved up here yesterday, as far as i know she has a phone, but i do not have her new number, i thought logically that tonight would be a probable time for calling. This is why my general motto is "don't wait around for people," because i can never seem to figure people out i suppose. But of course i don't listen to myself and let myself fall asleep thinking that her call would wake me up. Kind of wish i had a better idea of what the hell was going on, mostly just what she's thinking about things, i suppose i could always E mail her, but it's kind of a dumb means of communication for two people living in the same place that see each other in school every day. One of those conundrums: going to school with someone i'm potentially involved in a relationship with while i've always believed firmly in a strong separation of my personal and academic lives. We'll see i guess, i just already feel that bored, nagging feeling one gets when he/she suddenly has a lot of time on his/her hands while at the same time starts doing something that he/she doesn't really care for all that much (school), and contemplates things not necessarily worth contemplating. Maybe it's the fact that i feel chained down on a subconscious level by dena8, i know we both understand that we don't want a relationship, which is totally what i want, except i'm not sure what exactly that encompasses. Does it mean we can see other people or does it mean we're together, but just not officially? Will i get dumped like the last time i was not officially with someone, or will it mean that i end up with someone else, like the last time someone was not officially with me? Does it mean i should sit by her in class and i'll be a dick not to, or vise versa? Does it mean she's going to spend the night here sometimes, or that i will be obligated to do likewise? Does it mean that i can no longer get up at midnight and stay up until the next day until 0200? These are all such stupid fucking things to wonder about, and i think if she would just call and tell me how she's doing i wouldn't be thinking about any of this stupid shit, but….she didn't call. It's not even like i'm that involved, and most of the time i don't even feel like i care that much about what happens. It seems that as i become older being with someone stems so much more out of the logic of being with that person, than it does from infatuation. I once saw a movie called "Carried Away," i didn't get it at the time, but just liked the sex scenes, but it's just about (among other things) getting older (they are all like in their 50s) and loosing that feeling of infatuation, desire, of being alive. With dena8 i sometimes feel like Joseph, the main character in this movie; i am unsure if i feel "carried away" when i'm with her or if we're just in the same place at the same time, and are therefore together for that short instant of time.
Among other things i talked to my roomie darthmullet for a few minutes today when i got home, i called him at Beth's place and they were going to have supper together and just hang out with each other, darthmullet got home at about 0100 and went straight to bed, i don't believe Beth was with him, which to me seems a bit odd being that she spend the night about 90% of the time she was up here in Fargo last year, my pessimistic mind jumps to the conclusion that something bad happened, i dunno, we'll see tomorrow.
I'm tempted to break into that bottle of Marietta sitting on the counter, it's just a cheap California red house wine, but it tastes really fucking good, especially for $11, plus we have three bottles of it right now… no one would notice if just one bottle was gone would they? Wine sucks in the sense that once a bottle is opened it must be finished shortly after, especially with whites, the Marietta would probably be good for a couple of days perhaps, but never as good as that initial opening. And no, it's not the diminishing marginal returns, it's just that wine sucks when it oxidizes. I purchased a cheap bottle of white Bordeaux the other day and it says it's only 10% Sauvignon, i know i'm ignorant but i thought Bordeaux was always Sauvignon…. In my downward fall of ascending obsession of nicer things it only comes naturally to start liking wine. There are few commodities that are as refined and elegant as that of wine. There are also few that are as expensive for those with taste. Of course i couldn't appreciate a really, really good bottle of wine now but that's the point, i want to be able to. I've only been drinking wine for about a year, and already a fair amount of what i drink does not meet my standards, not only because most of the wine we buy is totally cheap shit, because we're fucking poor, but also because i've become familiarized enough to know that a fair amount of what i drink does actually taste like shit, and probably isn't even fit for animal consumption. Not that i think many animals are big wine fans or anything, seriously though, do any animals like wine? Anyone tried wine tasting with his/her dog or cat? The more i think about it the better a bottle of good Merlot or cold, crisp Sauvignon Blanc is sounding… too bad we have neither… Expect wine ratings on fuckthemovie.com later on, if darthmullet, myself and probably SMEAT! ever get around to doing any of the shit… i'll have to talk to him 'bout it sometime. Speaking of my obsession with nice things: i went to the mall Yesterday with bewitched as she had to go to a couple of jewelry stores to have one of her rings maintained, and another re-sized. All of these stores have huge displays of watches, which i always thought were very nice. When i looked at them yesterday i saw that they were all total pieces of shit, the only half-way decent pieces they had were some Movado watches, but they were fucking ass-ugly because they were just a blank face (no numbers or anything, just totally blank) and big fat sword hands. Now i'm not sure what you all think about sword hands, but personally i think they're the most inelegant, and stupid looking hands i've ever seen, they're bland and tasteless, which of course on the bland Movado pieces, just made them look that much worse (although maintaining the overall theme of a bland and tasteless watch). If i were to buy a watch with sword hands i'd make sure to be able to get the hands replaced with some that don't look damn stupid after i purchased it. I was just wearing jeans and a T-shirt at the time, so at each of the stores only one or two people asked me if i was interested in buying a watch, instead of the 5 or 6 people that would ask if i were wearing a collared shirt. I wasn't aware that they sold Fossil watches in jewelry stores, gotta' love the wear-resistant characteristics of those fine plexiglass faces. The fact that those people even bothered to ask if i wanted to buy a watch laments my belief that their watches really suck. Speaking of watches i still want to buy my brother a Daniel Jean Richard, but don't really think i have the money to throw around right now, maybe i could offer to pay half or something, there are some sweet deals online here and there, i'd probably buy from equationoftime.com, as my last purchase experience there was very good. god i'm a fucking whore…
In other news i'm going to a free dinner tomorrow somewhere downtown Fargo to hear a presentation on Sepsis. I don't normally associate Sepsis with eating food, but being that it's free…. Anyway i'll let you know how the evening goes, i think i'll have to hit Bennies for a drink late tomorrow, being that i don't have to do anything until like 1330 or so on Thursdays, what a hard life! Shit, this if the first time in forever that i hardly have any classes, i can't decide if it'll be really cool, or if i'll be really bored, my sophomore year of college i took only 14 credits one semester and i was fucking bored out of my mind, this semester i have 13, so we'll see. I need to be a real sycophant and join some shit to build up my CV, because, well, it sucks, i have no involvement in anything, mostly because i've always felt it's a huge load of shit and the only reason people join the shit is to look good, which is precisely why i'm joining shit this year. Fuck i suck… havn't had much time to do CV building the past few years, or maybe it's my excuse, in the past 4 semesters i've taken: 18, 22, 22, and 23 credits/semester, respectively, as well as 10 cheesy summer credits last year. I also worked some as well, last year i had 3 jobs at the beginning of the year, but only one toward the end, although by that time i was working over 70 hours/pay period. This summer i worked over twice that between my two jobs. So on the one hand i'm happy that school's started, but on the other, well, i don't need to explain the obvious.
Think i'm going to hop in the shower then maybe transcribe some of my poetry to HTML, or do some writing or something. Hope your life is peachy whoever you are and wherever you're reading this.
Today, as usual, i woke up late, this is what happens when one tries
to get up before he/she absolutely has to, i set my alarm for 0700,
thefore i got up at 0830. This is how the day of a procrastinator begins.
i went to sleep at around 0130 or so, i guess that gives me 7 hours of
sleep, which is too much, would like to trim that down by a couple of
hours to get a nice average of about 5.5 hours/night. Too easy to start
the day on the wrong foot...
i went to that "sepsis dinner" last
night, it was at a place called the "Avalon Events Center," personally if
i wanted to make a cultured events center i would call it "centre" not
"center," but that's just me. Anyway the place was nice, and there
weren't that many people there. The first hour was a sort of social with
cheese, crackers, shrimp and wine. hmmmmm... wine.... it was alright, i
just had Kendal Jackson Cabronet Savaugnon, then dinner consisted of fish
and steak, do they always do that at formal dinners, have two meats?
Steak wasn't rare, which made it kind of suck, it was fairly decent meat
though, but, well, it wasn't rare... The fish was very good, i'm not sure
what kind it was, Walleye i think, hard to tell when they're farmed fish
and not "real," but it tasted very good nonetheless, and was prepared with
cashews, should maybe look up the recipe sometime.... i didn't get out of
there until after 2100, i think at like 2130 or so, dena8 had called
earlier, so i returned her call, and went home, i don't think she wanted
to hang out or anything, and i honestly didn't really either. Kind of put
myself into a foul mood for whatever reason, but one of her roomies,
Colleen and herself stopped over to get a bunch of shit they left in my
garage. They left and i went to Bennies for a tall Black & Tan. It's so
fucking nice to be able to go there, sit down, have a beer, read the
newspaper, and do some writting. Melanie's the only server whose name i
know, but i was served by one of the other female servers last night, and
to my suprise she comp'd my bill too. i didn't eat anything like i
normally do, so all i had was the beer, she asked if i was going to have
anything else or if i was ready for my tab. i said "i think that'll be
all for the night, thanks." she comes back in a few minutes and says
something like "you don't owe anything for the beer..." i don't think
i've been there in the last few weeks and not recieved my drink there for
free, pretty fucking cool if you ask me. So naturally i left her $6.00,
my philosophy is usually that if someone gives you something for free i
still pay what i would have normally paid anyway. i guess i don't really
come out ahead by doing that or anything, but i don't go out for financial
gain, i'm usually shooting for a loss, mostly i would think that's the
reason for going out in the fist place... anyway so 6 bucks, during happy
hour a tall beer there is $2.98 or close to it, which means i usually
leave $5-$6. I used to work in a resturant and it really sucked, so most
of the time i feel bad for people who are serving people for a living,
mostly because 99% of the people they're serving are generally idiots
and/or assholes. i never worked in a bar, but i would imagine it would be
that much worse because everyone would be drinking and thefore more
exhuberent in showing their true colors. That and those Bennies people
seem to be working all the time...
Not too much to report in other
news, i only have 1 class today, and it doesn't start until 1430, pretty
damn sweet, then i work later on, and after that i'm not sure what i'm
going to do tonight. wonder if darthmullet will be around or what. So
darthmullet has been in wierd moods lately, from my limited contact with
him anyway, i think in an average day i see him for about 5 minutes, and
probably say a total of 20 words through various forms of contact (phone,
notes, etc). But last night it seemed something was surely going on we
couldn't talk though because he was on the phone with his mom, hopefully
i'll get the skinny in not too long... There is always an atmosphere when
you walk into your home, whether you see anyone or not somehow you just
know what kind of mood the other people living there are in, so last night
it was perturbed, and perhaps this lended to my foul mood that night, and
feeling of need to get the hell out of there and retreat to Bennies. So
now i am feeling that pang of regret because i basically blew off Colleen
and dena8 in my haste to leave, "come get your shit, i'll leave the garage
open so i can leave faster..." i actually did wait for them and helped
them load the truck, but yea. i'm a dick...
Also worthy of note,
fucking Sprint fucked up my shit, actually the idiot that sold me my phone
fucked up my shit, since i am responsible, and therefore have enough money
to pay for things without borrowing from corporate lenders i have no
credit history, and therefore no credit. What this means is that every
time i want to purchase something that requires a contract i get fucked.
In the case of Sprint this fucking is a $125.00 spending limit, which
means if my bill reaches or exeeds the arbitrary amount of $125.00 it
shuts off my service until i go and pay it down so that it is less than
$125. What the idiot that sold me my shit did (or didn't do, depending
upon how you look at it) was he made me pay nothing up front for the
service (i still had to pay $200 for the hardware of course), so the $25 &
$35 in setup and activation would just appear on my first bill, sounds
great right? Well my monthly service amount is $55, and apparently there
is like $11 in taxes/fees or some shit that i was trying to get away from
by getting a cell and ditching the land-line in the first place.
do some math:
$25 + $35 + $55 + $11 = $126, which is more than $125.
So when conglomerant Sprint generated the very first bill it exceeded
my $125 limit and immediately put a hold on my service. Ingenious and
customer oriented to say the least.
All this simply laments my belief
that there's just too many people around here that do shit-ass poor jobs
in whatever field they are employed. As well as just a lot of people in
general that don't really know what the hell's going on... This guy was
much more the former than the latter, but i just thought i'd throw in a
derisive word for everyone else.
that's enough being pissed off for