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i have found that a recurring theme in this life is the fact that i cannot go back. Time becomes the river that alters all things, though slowly the landscape changes as those riding upon weary currents gradually drift toward the sea. Faces, like passed hills and trees become but memories, symbols of what life used to mean, where i used to be. Childhood stands vivid like the mountains majesty from whence the river came, pure and untainted snow begetting a life of pollution as time pushes me past tainted banks and beaches of garbage. So many embittered people stranded on the banks, their lives no longer maturing as it seems time has dumped them upon its muddy bank. Try as they might, they cannot go back. i so often think of people i used to know, who knew the old me, the assumptions and the expectations that nothing's changed are almost overwhelming. To know that by talking to them i would shatter that icon of me they hold in their minds, and that i would fall from their grace, that i would somehow become a disappointment. Many would view it as a personal failure and blame themselves for the fact that i don't believe in god, i hate our government, i hate Christianity, that i've become a machine of sorts, unlike the machines of conformity all around, but an engine of contempt, existing only to decry my world. innocence, though seems only yesterday, a million miles away, like the stars far beyond my grasp. Even a few years ago, in high school things were so different, the innocence not fully drained of our inquisitive eyes. Sometimes i think how nice it would be to just go back, if only for a moment to a time when the intrinsics of people didn't matter nearly so much. When religion didn't matter, where someone worked didn't matter, what people wanted to do with their lives, it all just wasn't important. it seemed life consisted merely of living and getting along with each other, which i never had a problem with (despite my morbid philosophy and ideology i am actually quite easy to get along with, believe it or not). Since that time everyone i've known at that time have fallen into secular striations, college, career, belief, marriage, etc. suddenly everything matters; i could list what would be required for me to want to hang out with someone: witty, smart, pessimistic/agnostic, more or less liberal, a touch of nihilism, a holistic perspective, etc. etc. and forget finding anyone to date. it's amazing that people can have so much depth, and be so shallow at the same time, it's as if overnight, everything suddenly matters. i can count my close friends on one hand, i don't have too many more, because frankly, i don't really think i need any more, but even in these people, whom i consider family i can feel that lull of who we are gently pulling our paths apart, it seems the strongest tie we have is just the past. Sometimes this tether holds, sometimes it does not, but our secular lives pull forever, just waiting for that tie to break. To re-kindle many of these friendships would perhaps be impossible, no fire without a spark, who we were then that drew us together is not who we are now, the only thing left would be a memory, passing from familiarity like those faces beside the river. There's so much in the past that i miss, perhaps we all do, but i would never go back, never. ignorance is bliss, and i would rather be cast from the garden, than to live as a slave to my own benightedness. if i am cast out of society and doomed to live as an outsider for the rest of my days for seeing truth in the lie of life, so be it. This is perhaps the difference between who i consider 'real' and those i do not. Although we can't admit it, we all want our would to be static, unchanging, to live safely in the comfortable niche we have made for ourselves, common' admit it, just a little bit, right? Those who are willing to cast aside these whimsical fairy-tale notions are 'real' people, in search of a real life, with real meaning, and therefore willing to heart the real pain they will find. Perhaps the alien in 'Contact' (the Carl Sagan movie) says it best: 'the only thing we have to ease the unbearable pain of being alone is each other.' i oft feel this way, that there are so few real people in this world that the only quality that makes it bearable is the fact that there are other people just like me out there, and that i may sometimes meet such a person. in these moments that eternal pang of loneliness, and self-exclusion dissipates for but an instant. Like a drug it eases the sadness and lifts the darkness that surrounds everything these eyes touch, it feels like home, that somehow never felt much like home. And like any drug the withdrawl is severe, like the lover that turns away leaving me behind my own cold shoulders, beside myself in the dark cold room, sitting, panting, craving just another taste of the drug, but one more taste of belonging. But this is me, without a home, in a world of sight, i cannot go back. i accepting the pain served on the same platter as truth, back to naivety i cannot go, back to home, i never really lived there. Stay tuned for Without a Home.

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so writing right now has been pretty easy, since i've just started i'm still full of ideas, i've been thinking some about the kind of content i've been writing. i'm not really so sure this is the direction i've wanted this part of the light to take. i had wanted the diary part of this to be more like a diary, and less essay-oriented, i love writing argumentative essays, but in the present format i have trouble because it's not a date entry if i go back and revise my writings after, and i don't want to copy all my shit over and over and bore the hell out of all you people to fix stupid stuff i've written. Also i wanted to save my essay-writing for tid242's sister site: sycophant.org (collectively nourtured by mordant.com), as this was intended by SMEAT!, Will, and i to be a topic-driven site, whereas tid242 is supposed to be a personal site for myself. So then, what i've been thinking about doing is just continuing what i'm doing currently and occasionally taking these daily entries, revising them, and turning them into essays for sycophant.org. we'll see.

A topic for the moment: how about separation & desire.

Why is it that so many people only want what they can't or don't have? Do you notice yourself seeming to appreciate things before you have them much more than after you do? i guess i'm not so much talking about that new car, or pizza or whatever, but more about relationships, and people and more fundamentally important aspects of life. This quality of whimsical wanting seems to shape our entire lives, especially here in America where it seems we jump from lily-pad to lily-pad letting the last sink behind. in its most simple incarnation perhaps i am just thinking of crushes, or the pursuit of relationships. When you're with someone (usually) you know what your significant other is thinking, where you both stand on many issues, including any potential future you may have together. The days, weeks, years become predictable: she spends the night on Wednesdays and Thursdays because she doesn't have to work the next day, you can just sleep without expectations of fucking, your underwear somehow ends up in her living room, and that's cool; when this happens it seems, life becomes monotonous, day by day things are the same, falling pieces into place, and that puzzle seems so much more finished, the picture almost looks as though completed. The mystery fades to certainty, whether genuine or assumed, comfort is the key and the mystery itself pushes you into certainty by its very nature. Many people thrive on this mystery though, and thus it is said: "the magic dies." That enigmatic no one suddenly becomes someone and in the process excludes themselves from being a million other things, a million other people, tears down that veil of dreams, oftentimes the veil of desire. The person doesn't like chocolate, drives a ford focus, is studying to become a middle-manager but in the meantime is working at a health club, goes to church probably 1 or 2 times a month but is more agnostic than anything, family is from near by and pays a visit to them every now and then, etc. etc. where's the romance in this? Where's the magic? What possible desire lurks in what i've just said about our phantasmal person? Reading over it i think close to none. Honestly real-life isn't dreamy, we don't live in a fairy tale world, though we look for change and excitement the beginning of relationships must always give way to the fact that we live in a boring and mundane world made up of little bits and pieces of boringness, things can't be new forever. When the new becomes old the fact remains, the world is repetitious and usually uneventful the things occupying the mind most being those of a boring everyday quality. Now think about this, when you're in pursuit of an individual (to put it crudely), or your significant other is away suddenly that same excitement of mystery is present and eases that ache of loneliness, when the phone rings it's the person, when you check your e mail you mostly check it to see if your special someone sent you anything, etc. etc. in anything that happens the possibility of it being done by the person you're thinking of exists and this becomes mysterious and exciting. And thus there becomes more desire born of being apart than there ever was or could be by being together. But this desire is mostly made of the feeling of being alone, and the possibility of that loneliness disappearing at any moment. When things become predictable love is dictated by negative feedback, being normal and comfortable until you don't have it, then it becomes painful. Life makes it too easy to stay with someone you logically wouldn't stay with, the mind, and that excitement felt when alone too easily pushes us back into that fray or interpersonality, and the boring but comfortable quality of love, whatever "love" may mean. 1113

so in light of my first revealation to you about not wanting this to be essay-driven i suppose i'll share some boring facets of my life. i don't remember when the last time i said anything about my life was, but not too much has happened in the past few months, so i'll just start from the end of summer. i used to talk about Dena8 every now and then, the absence of my talking about her probably signified the absence of her in my life, and a good correlation probably exists between her absence in both places. i'm unsure as to why we no longer talk, or what exactly happened. i don't know if i abandoned her, or she abandoned me. Really we knew we couldn't really be together, so us hanging out for a bit was known to be a temporary thing, but still i can't help but wonder if she used me, if i used her, or if circumstance just brought us together before pulling us apart. Of course there's always that same sense of alienation and rejection that accompanies any sort of a falling out, but i'm not too overly dismayed over the outcome of my "relationship" with her, i'm much more dismayed about not knowing really what happened, if a mistake was made i guess i would just like to know about it. i think she may have a boyfriend now, although i'm not sure, i thought i overheard her and some of her friends talking about a boyfriend-type person of hers, but i'm not certain, i think they were trying to make me not be able to hear. it bothers me a bit that she wouldn't tell me about this, as i feel i have a right to know, and i've always been very straightforward with people about any expectations or events which may affect my relationship with them. The day after i hooked up with Dena8 i called a friend of mine whom i had spent the night with (no sex) a while before and told her that Dena8 and i had been together (no sex), she said she already had heard, but thought it was very nice to hear it from me. There was no obligation assigned in any of these relationships by anyone, so really nothing even needed to be said, but this is how i am, and in turn, what i expect. This expectation of course excludes the fact that Dena8 knows why we don't talk anymore and assumes i do too, in which case then maybe i shouldn't need to be told. You know, it really sucks being so naïve about this kind of thing, i wish i had a better feel for the whole relationship thing and how everything "usually" goes. Or is "supposed" to go, not that anything ever goes by the book but still, would be nice to have at least read it. So i've been talking some to someone i'll call 'JR' named after a poem i had written a while ago after talking to her about, among other things, wine, i thought the conversation was very light, uplifting, and refreshing just like a bottle of Johannesburg Riesling darthmullet and i got drunk off of a while before on the dining room floor where the table used to be before SMEAT! moved it to Minneapolis. ANYWAY, i've been half-way interested in JR for quite a while really, we had first met in a class my freshman year (like uh… before all my classes have the exact same 60 people in them) and we see each other around every now and then. She's cool because she's very pessimistic about almost everything, which is a lot like me, you know, misery loves company so it's only befitting that we should hang out and stuff (iMHO). Although it is probably a bad sign that i call her about 10x more frequently than she calls me, but she has an answering machine and we don't (on our home line anyway), so maybe it is more like 9x more often. But she's so disenfranchised that i think perhaps she's scared to call or something. Or perhaps more likely is the idea that she just doesn't really want to talk to me much, so she doesn't call, but is courteous enough to talk to me whenever i happen to call her (lately about once every 1.5 weeks or so). i guess i could be really obnoxious and call her like 2x a day until she tells me off or something, but i prefer not to do that i think… so that's the deal on all of that. Otherwise i'm still working at the hospital, going to school, hating Fargo, and the usual. Not too much else has changed 'round here. i was/am thinking about going to Europe over semester break, but now i'm not so sure, the cost of going combined with the opportunity cost associated with not working is perhaps just too much money at this point in my life. We'll see. But i think that's about it for now.

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almost a year ago on the way back from skiing in Montana my poor little Toyota Celica hit a deer on i-94 totaling it and forcing us to make our way back in a U-haul (yes it sucked). Upon loosing my car i also lost the stereo that i had so lovingly tweeked in my high school years, and i lost the ability to listen to my music while driving, as my late mother's van (which i am now driving) does not have a CD player. After a year or so of listening to whatever crap the airwaves feed me i've come to the conclusion that on this day music is without a soul. i guess i'm not talking about all music, mostly just dark music, nihilistic music, my music. Classical music, for example, has lots of soul, lots of depth, lots of art, and lots of everything that makes music great, but it's not dark enough, without the anger and fury forced-fed emotion that i so often long to hear, in a word it's irrelative. Classical is beautiful, but seems to hold no meaning in my life: "i'll be the one, i'll set you free, i'm jesus fucked on ecstasy" can classical ever say anything so darkly eloquent as Trent can seem to do? Can Beethoven send chills down my spine while making me want to cry?-so far he hasn't been able to, yet Trent can do it on demand. Jazz has soul, Hendrix has soul, the Beetles, Dylan, DM, so many have soul, but none of them touch what i feel inside, none, but those with a soul of industrial. "'till at last you regret tortured animal wake up time beacons death upon myself eyes traveled hardened strange no stronger feeling tempting motion slows to a crawl places his weaponry it's a trap springs snap shut gazes sharper teeth giving in to the jaws of death, i taught the killing game first" none of the aforementioned can say what Nivek Ogre has said, and none can touch me the way he can, and it seems, no one ever will. But when i say "on this day" i mean music made today more than what's available today, there will always exist music with soul (hopefully), but that's not to say there will always be modern music cast of the heart and not of the dollar.

it could be so many things:

me maturing perhaps: when i was in 8th grade Metallica (sp?) had soul, now they do not, they've sold out (moreso than they did before anyway), they've sued Napster, and become their own enemy, there were so many bands had soul but now do not, STP is a good epitomization of such a band, they were so origional, so dark, perverse, relative "i am, i am, i am, i'm gonna' get close to you, yea i'm gonna' get next to you, you wouldn't want me to have to hurt you too, hurt you too, yea. i know you want what's on my mind, i know you like what's on my mind, i know it eats you up inside…." Now, on this day they have nothing to offer that's even remotely origional, different, or palletable to those such as myself.

progression and definition of the genre: in 1995 [errata DS was released in 94] a CD was released that changed the face of music forever, it was an absolute masterpiece, everything about it was original, beautiful, eloquent, and the emotion: ohhhh [shutters], like someone's heart was torn from their chest and everything ever felt in life removed and cast into binary, to seep into everyone's ears for all of eternity. The CD was entitled "The Downward Spiral." This CD truly is a marvel, and as such it single-handedly put the industrial genre onto the mainstream map, paving the way for such CDs as "Antichrist Superstar" and "Perversion," to be released and even be played on the radio, and thus giving the industrial genre a much wider listening base. Although today, because of that push to popularity industrial now has a more defined sound, and because of this, a more generic sound. The music, for the most part, is still good, but there are fewer people pushing themselves, and pushing origionality, and in the industrial slump after the late 90's, people such as Raymond Watts don't even release albums in the States anymore, forcing people such as myself to pay $40 to get an import, Nivek Ogre is, as he always has been, pushing the envelope of creativity and self-expression with the recent release of OhGr, Welt, but so few industrial artists are still producing as they used to, KMFDM is dead, NiN has released 1 album in the last 7 years, Manson has fizzled in leu of stardom, GK got fucked by TVT, SW can't seem to stop talking about ex-GFs, Rammstein sold their image to MTV, 242, SP, Ministry, et. al. are no more, Filter comes and goes, Zombie creates kiddie scare (his music is amusement more than depth), etc, etc, the genre has lost some soul. Shit i gotta get to work, i'll pick this up later, sorry…

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so i'll continue this discussion here at work,

much of the music that had soul, has seemed to have either lost, or sold it, perhaps this is the natural progression of popular art, almost an oxymoron in and of itself, once something becomes popular it loses that inate quality of being "artful." With music this seems to be especially true, we choose music to listen to that somehow represents ourselves, it's almost as if we pour a tiny piece of ourselves into what we listen to, when it becomes popular it feels as if everyone else has diluted that tiny piece engraned in the music. Maybe this is not a very clear enterpretation of this idea, but if you're not an idiot you should be able to understand where i'm coming from. This is why it sucked when Rammstein, Manson, GK, etc. etc. all became "popular," my niche was taken away, and all of this music lost a little bit of soul along the way to mainstream. Something of sacredness or reverence pangs at the heart when i mention names like: "KMFDM," "Skinny Puppy," "Pig," "Prick," or anything of the sort. There is automatically a sense of kinship when i say "it's a war with no winners, when violence hits home…" and someone else finishes "ignorance is your religion, take this spear and heal thyself…" the words mean something, it means something that someone else knows the lyrics, it means nothing to hear someone whistling the tune to "Closer" in the hallway, everybody fucking knows that song.

Additionally a soul is a kind of freedom, freedom of expression more than anything, much of the time an artist loses this when one song becomes popular, to many people the words NiN means "Closer," "Manson" means "Beautiful People," etc. cult music is meant to be cultish, it only gets lost on the outside, in the shuffle of america's unsustainable fast-food culture. This country likes flash-in-the-pan prostitutes for spur of the moment musical fulfillment, people here don't want to think about things, they don't want to be challenged with ideas, they want whatever it is that's easy, everyone else is getting, and that can be spoon-fed.

Perhaps i am just growing up and realizing that so much is depthless in a life of meaning, or maybe my pessimism is growing and i just find i like everything less than i used to. With age comes some wisdom, the degree of which is certainly arguable, am i just wise enough to realize that my maturity is now past the point of seeing meaning in frivilous lyrics that lack even a perception of depth?-or perhaps i am just too shallow to see depth that is obvious to everyone else, but beyond my stupid perception.

The idea of a soul being defined as a freedom applies to so much more than music, it's not a new idea, but an interesting one. i am going to stray from the current subject for a bit, but bear with me, might be alright… it seems people either define a soul as freedom, or by the lack thereof. i don't really believe much in the traditional idea of a soul, meaning that i don't believe that there's some spiritual lifeforce inside each of us that persists after physical death, but the word "soul" is such a good descriptive adjective when attempting to talk about autonomy or sentience. it's a general consensus that mindless creatures are without a soul, while it seems groups of these creatures may behave in ways that have meaning, desire, perserverence, and therefore a soul of sorts. Much like an ant colony, single ants, although special by the virtue of being alive, and also, to me, sacred by virtue of their own ignorance, lack the ability to have a soul; whilst the entire ant colony functions as an adaptive organism, intelligently responding to stimuli in the envirnment and with a sense of self, and self-perserverence. And further as a species having a desire to continue its own existence, and thus the soulless is granted a soul on a larger level by their place in a greater system. People are different from ants (and bacteria, and a whole lot of things) on the basis of the fact that we are individually capable of sentience, and therefore granted a soul (by my own definition). We are creatures born of the ability to think, a gift so far beyond the reach of so much of creation, and yet it's a gift oft overlooked by many of those unknowing of their own fortune. it is these people who do not think, that lose all sacredness in my eyes. These are the ones who live without a soul. These are also, much of the time, those who view people such as i, as the soulless ones. To may people a soul is seen as a moral center, oft because of misplaced ideas about religion being mutually synanomous with morality (ie. Those without religion automatically being amoral). And therefore because of my perspective on right and wrong, good and bad, or light and darkness that i could be (and often am) called amoral. i do not follow emperialist dogma and totalitarian ideology when thinking about other human beings, i believe we all have the ability to self-govern, and make decisions for ourselves. i detest closed-minded bigots making decisions for me in the form of social norms, laws, or government intrusion into my life, these things would take away my soul, my freedom, my autonomy. i do not see an absolute right or wrong in the world today, i disagree with religious fanaticism, and therefore "god" must not be in my life, i just a dreadful creature, devoid of any soul, or meaning for existence. Ok, so maybe this idea didn't really come through the way i wanted it to, i'll have to think a bit more about this. Hmmm….

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so in life there always seems to exist so many points of revelation that all of the world seems to pivot upon for a brief instant, that my world seems to stand around and gawk at for moment stretched into so many grueling thoughts assessing some horrible discovery. it's so hard to put into words feelings outside of poetry, but yet within a poem it seems so hard to describe the obviously apparent to the one doing the writing. Case in point being the piece i've written today entitled "buschette." What this name means, i don't know, but i know what it means to me, i know what it represents inside, but to try and describe how i feel seems so out of reach outside of poetry. Sometimes i look at what i've written long before and cry as strings of words trigger emotions i thought i'd hidden away, i lose hours, days, weeks it seems reliving past things i'd rather forget, but i keep reading regardless. Such is the power of the poem. Such is the power of memory. Whenever i read "buschette" i will re-live this moment, re-feel this pain, rekindle this hopelessness. This is why i write. This is why i live.

The revelation for today:
it just can't work. People can't be happy and we're driven to do horrible things to those we should love. We can't seem to control that tormenting voice inside, we only know too well. Some call it god, some call it devilll. i call it depression, i call it truth, i call it reality. i think i often expect too highly of people i don't know, assume the world has the maturity and foresight enough to govern itself justly. Possessing an inate ability to love itself, it is my feeling on this day that this is not the case. The cycle of hate seems to penetrate so deeply like a cancer it invades other circles and grows inside, gnawing, choking, biting hungrily at everything less greedy than itself. People are like this cancer, intrinsically competitive, intrinsically ruthless, intrinsically corrupt we lick lips eagerly at the thought of innocence, so far away from anything we've become, or anything we can ever seem to be. Once trod down the path of vicissitude into the valley never shall we again taste of fresh mountain streams, doomed to a hole in mother earth. This world and all the terrible corruption so engraned into everything in this life makes it so hard to love, so hard to ever care about anything that has only injured in the past. And it is this place that breeds contempt, remorse, regret, fear, everything painful tearing away at my flesh, these eyes failing to see the decay planted inside this head. Only apparent, the world is wicked, and we can never love one another, we're too broken to even realize that we're a part of something bigger, all we see are little parts with whimpering souls we somehow think can fix ourselves, we somehow feel can cure our ails. We're wrong, so fucking wrong, but only the wicked survive, and those like me are shattered, tattered and destroyed.

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so now it's Monday, i've never hated Mondays like most people do i hate Sundays more i think. But Mondays usually suck nonetheless. i went to mpls last Friday and arrived back in fargo-land at about 7 or so last night. it always takes me a day or two to get used to the fact that i am no longer in mpls and am in fargo. Down there life always seems so much richer than up here, of course my opinion is probably biased by the fact that i'm never not on vacation when i'm there, but i'm sure this contintion is more or less true. it was good to see SMEAT!, tizmo, subgenious and ARN again, although we got fucking trashed on Friday night and, well... Ok so when a bunch of people get trashed invariably some of the people in the bunch find out stuff about other people in the bunch that they would rather not know about. So following this rule of thumb it's only befitting that this past Friday was such a day. The night started out pretty awesome (in attendence: SMEAT!, Mess, tizmo, myself and signal15 showed up later) SMEAT! Cooked some scheswan chicken something or other (which was fucking awesome) and consumed uh… i think we all had about 5 drinks or so, then we were trying to figure out if tang made with Vodka was better than tang made with water (which i hate). Really the taste wasn't much better, but holy shit it had a kick. So naturally we each knocked down a couple of those as well. Maybe the orange tang would have tasted better if we'd made it out of orange or plain vodka instead of vanilla flavored stuff… tizmo doesn't do much drinking, and signal15 had arrived later, but i think SMEAT! Mess and i were pretty much trashed and ARN should have been trashed-being that he drank a shitload of vodka-tang, but since it had only been about 7 minutes from the time he drank it, he wasn't quite drunk yet… so naturally we all decided to trek to signal15's place since he had just purchased a new house and stuff. i rode in signal15's car and vaguely remember having a conversation about whether he should get an Audi TT or a WRX, he really was all hard about TTs and was talking about how sexy they are (which they fucking are) and how perfect every little part of them is (which is also true, damn germans are crafly little people) and then we were talking about how we thought the new WRXs stood too tall, and the rally-wheel package sucked for $4k, and i remember talking about some other stuff too… hmmm… must have been my instincts talking. After we arrived at signal15's and SMEAT!, tizmo, Mess, and ARN showed up we played some videogames (signal15 has like a little arcade in his basement) and pool and signal15 made like 6 or 7 "Bloody Maria's" which apparently are like bloody mary's but have tequela in 'em instead of whatever the hell is in a bloody mary. Kellie called me and i went upstairs without drinking the bloody wtf to talk to her, and then got sick and spent the rest of the night in sighal15's bathroom resting amongst dirty clothes. Tizmo also didn't drink his and SMEAT! Ended up drinking his, tizmo's and my bloody thing and subsequently "lost time" as we so eloquently put it. Anyway i don't remember too much of that night except laying around next to Mess and ARN in the bathroom and ARN becoming really fucking weird and crying and stuff. So anyway the point of this story is that i'd never seen ARN all fucking strange before, so yet again another alcoholic excursion reveals the truth we would rather not know. Yes ignorance is bliss.

So i guess that was probably all fragmented and pointless. But i'm typing in between classes right now, we still have about another half hour before our peds class, we had an iD test today for which an hour and a half was allocated, but which only took ½ hour for apparently a zillion people (my entire class is fucking hogging the computer lab right now, it's fucking awesome). Uh… wtf was i gonna' say now? Anyway i would like to write a short-story or something, i really want to write one about an adolescent kid who has special gifts, but throws them all away, but haven't really gotten done incubating the idea yet, i would also like to write a story about a man who has a horribly ugly divorce, and then his ex-wife dies very very soon after, and he doesn't know what to feel. i would also like to write some poetry, but i'm thinking i'm not really in much the mood, i think i need more sleep-deprivation to write anything well. Fucking seriously i have a damn mushy head when i sleep too much, that and drinking all weekend doesn't help with the alertness fact much either. So i finally e'd dena8 on Friday and just asked if i stopped talking to her, or if it was the other way around, she replied and said that she didn't know, and had been wondering that too, and what i was doing on Tuesday. i guess i'm kind of taken back because i thought it was something obvious and that she could enlighten me, but now, well. i don't really know that i like her that much, i mean, logically i really do, but instinctually i really don't think i do. Which i guess means that i used her, because i knew she had always had a thing for me. i think i would be interested in maybe dating her, correctly this time, not getting drunk together and spending the night together, but i don't know that i like her as intrinsically as i suspect she does. Therefore on a certain level it wouldn't be right. i had also e'd her mainly to have some closure, and i was going to tell her i was thinking about starting to see someone else, and that i thought she had a right to know that, but, well. We'll see. i've always been a logical person, which can make me a real fucker sometimes, and in this case tells me that comfort is good. But i would like to be carried away i think now, more than anything. i'll just end this particular entry by saying "i don't know"

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so you ever notice how wired you get when you stay up for a long time? i woke up at around 300 this morning, now it's 10p and i'm not even feeling close to tired, yet when i sleep a lazy 10 hours all i can think about all day long is sleep… i guess it seems like a lot has happened since yesterday, and yet nothing at all, it's funny how life can feel like that sometimes. i talked to Dena8 before work yesterday and we mutually decided that it wouldn't ever work between us due to our conflicting uh… well we don't agree on a whole lot, nor do we really think the same, yea, so there you have it. Although i'm still not too sure why she asked me what i was doing tonight when she e'd me yesterday, but, i'll talk to her later. it's strange, although we were never really together now that we "officially" aren't (whatever that may mean) i miss her a little bit, mostly because logically she's so perfect, but i suppose logic never made magic. The main reason that i had E'd dena8 was to have some closure and be on speaking terms so i could tell her that i am interested in someone else, but now after feeling that pang of regret, of loneliness after dena8 and i were done-with, i don't know if i want to get myself into a position to feel this same way, except a thousand times worse. Right now it doesn't sound too horribly appealing, but being with JR certainly does. When i feel like this i want to be introverted and alone, any expression seems so much better and true if it's in poetry, so i think i'll leave it at this for today, have a good holiday if i don't update this before Thursday.

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well i got up at 5 today, i went to sleep at around 0030 or so. You know no matter how early you get up it still seems like you don't have enough time to do the shit you want to do, i could be awake 24 hours/day and still not have enough time. Makes me wish i could just freeze time and do stuff while the world sat eerily frozen. i guess in recent news i haven't been writing a whole lot lately, my poetry these past few weeks has really sucked (iMHO) and i seem to have little ambition to write anything, maybe that means i've become burned out?-i dunno, i just feel shallowness when i've tried to put ink on paper the past few times i've tried. So i guess i have been a little more preoccupied than usual with unsolvable shit. Reminds me of my earlier years in school where all i did was sit around and think about religion, the world and how fucked up and fickle everyone was, i slept 5 hours a day, went to class about 5 hours/day and thought about stuff and got depressed for 15 hours/day (yea that's 25 hours, but i suppose i dreamed about it too, or thought about it in class…). it's such a terrible, yet easy thing to do, start asking questions, and questions, and questions, and none of them have logical answers. People aren't logical in what they believe, how they live, nor what they do with their lives. i've never understood, nor perhaps will i ever. So lately i've been thinking about relationships, and time, and commitment, and other unanswerables. You know every time i think about relationships i always feel like it's some new thought, or that i used to think about this kind of stuff a long time ago, but have just started again. Truth is, honestly, i think about relationships all the time, even though i really haven't had too much in the way of relations in this life, i still think about it all the time. it's almost disease-like as is trying to understand society in its ability to control the mind, and in turn, this life. All too often it seems i depend upon someone, and then they aren't there anymore when i look. Maybe it's just the fact that i feel too inconvenienced by giving anything of myself to someone else, whether it be waiting at home for a phone call or what have you. i generally don't care much about material or money things, but i oft feel betrayed when someone says something and then doesn't do it, why can't people just say what they're really thinking, how can people honestly not know what they're doing 4 hours from the time you talk to them? i've always found this odd, maybe i just don't understand people, or maybe people just don't understand me. But still it remains funny, as i'm probably the most asexual person anyone's ever met, and yet i still find myself thinking about relationships all the time (not that relations have a whole lot to do with sex {in my life anyway}, but there really isn't such word as "arelationable" and "reclusive" or "anthrophobic" just seems too extreme to be a self descriptor). i mean no one would ever guess it, i think in the real world i come off very cold-hearted and uninterested in people, maybe the truth of the matter is that if i start becoming involved with people i'll be overwhelmed, and it's just some kind of protection mechanism. You know my pseudoexgirlfriend (is that a word???) was very much the same way, one of our mutual friend said to me once "ya' know you and choirgirl31 make a good couple." "why?"-i replied, "because you're both cold and distanced" she answered truthfully. i was a bit taken back after i had thought about this comment, but knew from the moment it escaped her lips that it was truth…speaking of choirgirl31, she's still in Africa right now, i said i'd mail her a postcard, but haven't and it takes two months to get there, and she comes back in January. Am i a bastard? Probably. it's often scary to think about choirgirl31 because we were never officially together and yet i still feel somehow attached to her, almost as if we were meant to be together (although neither of us believe in any of that bullshit). it's almost scary because i feel like i would drop anything i would be doing to be with her, if she would just ask: jobs, relationships, anything, and all she would have to do would be ask. That's the scariest thing i think i've ever said, and perhaps the most personal as well. You know when i went to Minneapolis last weekend we ate at the Borealis café and they had free "postcards" in the lobby, what these postcards said was this "if you don't ask, or if she says 'no,' it's rape." And then had a picture of some shirtless chic's back and a combination lock holding her two bra straps together. Then on the reverse side it had some lines to write on, and address space, and a place to put a stamp. i'm thinking about mailing her one of these, i think she's one of the few people i know who would get the humor, only in America, only in America. Yea, anyway. So i've been thinking i'm going to tell JR i have a crush on her, i've never really told anyone that before, but we'll see. i would like to be 100% sure that i can live with anything i start, but as usual, that's not something that's usually attainable. And the whole idea of telling someone you like him/her while still having lingering feelings about past people seems so inherently wrong, even if it is unavoidable. We'll always have feelings that linger upon another, whether they actually are for the person, life at that point in time, or symbolism for yourself then is perhaps debatable. But if you honestly feel that you cannot surmount something done before how an you be serious about attempting it again? i realize life isn't a contest and all that, but still, if you've climbed Everest, what's the point of planning a big trip to K2? Sure you do things because you enjoy them, but so much of life should be planned in respect to endpoints, and what's the endpoint in engaging in something that does not have the outcome that you really want? if i have lingering feelings about choirgirl31 then really isn't this the same type of thing? Anyway we'll see what happens with JR, i was supposed to call her last night after work, and did. But she wasn't home. i guess it's not so much that she wasn't home, because i called late, because i got off of work late, because there was a code where a patient had (it looked like) a PE and then started aborting her 27wk baby, so they did an emergency C-section, and "the princess" who happened to work with me last night decided not to finish all of her shit, and we had to stay very late to get it done and….. shit, and there was still stuff to do at work, and i left because i was like an hour late calling JR, and she wasn't home, so i could have kept working, but instead sat here at the apt instead. i fucking hate that. But i guess we'll see if my crush gets revealed, in retrospect all of these ramblings will probably be pretty funny as i'll see what a waste of time they are, either depressingly or amusingly. But until that time i think i'll just abstain from judging, i'm too hard on myself as it is anyway.

so it's thanksgiving today, i work at 0830, but think i'm going to go a half-hour early so i can leave at 1630 or 1700 so i can make it back to god-forsaken Fergus Falls from god-forsaken Fargo for supper. i guess that's about all i have to say today, maybe i'll write more from fungus balls tonight. And on another note, just to prove my point: i just got up and it's time to go to work already, wish i didn't need to sleep maybe i should find me some adderal or dexedrene or something.

you know Webster's encyclopedic dictionary does not define "boner" as an erection?-i guess it isn't a collegiate dictionary…what does this have to do with anything?-absolutely nothing.

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i am now back in Fargo. i got off of work yesterday at about 1700 or so, and arrived in Fergus Falls at about 1820. it must be a redundant thing to hear but, "home" is less and less of any sort of home every time i go back. i guess a lot of things have changed in the past few years of my life which contribute to this fading idea of having a home until now, when i go back i almost feel as if my family have become more a part of the world around me than they are a part of my world. it's kind of a hard idea to put into words but i think there exists a mentality that those close to me are somehow immune and apart from everything i see as wrong, or corrupt in this world. And the longer i am away the more likely i am to see that this is not the case when i visit. Also i always equate Fergus Falls as representing a part of my life that i no longer want to live. it represents my insecurities as a HS (high school) student, many of my failures, the shitty jobs i worked for pathetic amounts of money, all of the groups of idiots trying to exclude everyone else, and all the dead-end small-town life i seemed to see everywhere i looked. That part of my life is over, and i do not ever wish to go back, Fergus Falls represents all of that, and i therefore feel i am somehow regressing when i go back there.

There seems to linger much regret and loneliness at my house for various reasons. i have a twin brother and sister who are now 18 and seniors in HS, we have always been raised to be very independent and free-thinking, i think as we've grown older we've also grown apart from one another because of this independence. it is the very thing that has made me, and is making my siblings strong, that also results in little emphasis on home or family. it's been almost a year and a half since our mother died, i think everyone still misses her very much, but no one talks about it much. it seems the overlying thought whenever we're together is "i wish mom was here," i can feel it in every silent moment, every hollow laugh, and upon every sigh we all know what we're thinking, we all know it's there. i'm sure much of the thought is parallel to mine, i never said i loved her, we never hugged, we hardly talked, the regrets, the should haves, and the could haves. But we're all so outwardly cold and therefore regret all the things we didn't do, and resent ourselves for being incapable of doing them, inwardly, the blame always pointed deep inside. i go home and the TV's on, and smart people are laughing at dumb programming, the Christmas lights of an atheist father sparkling outside, like we almost fucking believed. Actually i think my brother believes in god, whether he's christian or not, i'm not sure, i think he'll follow my footsteps, and our father's; as soon as he turns away from religion in the slightest he will never believe again. i can already see the discontentment, and that feeling of alienation deep inside of him, knowing it will inevitably rise to shape much of his future. is it depression? Or is the fickle world the source of depression for those who are too deep, too serious to ever fit in? are we treating the cause, the disease or the effect? What should we focus our treatment upon. When i walk into the house there's a feeling of defeat, oftentimes i think my father has given up much strength since my mother has died. Letting himself watch TV instead of read, resume drinking occasionally, etc. it's not like he lives any differently, but there's a feeling of emptiness that i can sense, and i think he lost much of the reason he had to be strong. When my mother died it seemed so apparent to me that suddenly much of his life had been wasted, he's so smart, but hasn't ever used his intelligence for anything, he only went to school to avoid Vietnam, he had the potential to do really anything. But now he's a widower in his mid fifties with 3 grown kids working a job requiring no college education in a small dead-end town emotionally detached from relatives who live hundreds of miles away. He's a good father, and a good man, but i think his potential has suffered much neglect. i don't know if he has any regrets about what he's done, or wishes he'd done much differently. We all have some regrets about things, whether it be stupid shit, or serious issues. But he's so much like us, and we're so much like him, any qualms he has lie hidden deep inside that prison of logic and intelligence. Regrets eat, they burn, tearing, killing the inside, there's nothing that can be done to change anything that's happened, only try to bandage cuts already made, if the cuts have stopped bleeding why would one take the time to remember the pain to bandage scars? i often think of regrets as i realize that they will inevitably occupy so much of my mind, shit, i'm only 22 and already i regret so much in this life, not because of anything i've done badly, or wrong. Well some of the things i've done badly, but all the "what ifs" what if i went to school in California, played guitar, learned everything i could about hacking into peoples' shit, never went to school, slept with a friend last night, moved to Colorado to ski, had sex with a nobody, were to be married now, etc. etc. i think it's so much more the curiosity of what my life could be now, and what i've missed by making the choices i have. i would like to know what it's like to have HiV and know i'm going to die, i wouldn't want to actually have HiV, but that perspective would be priceless, as would 100 other perspectives. What if i studied abroad in Africa for the past 4 years? Would i ever want to come back?-probably not, i would be a totally different person with a totally different perspective, i want those perspectives. And i regret that i cannot have them, and i often feel regret for those who do, because they cannot have my perspective either.

thanksgiving is passed with hardly any feeling of thankfulness. i have so much to be thankful, really, we all do and yet thanksgiving turns to a day of gluttony with the average American consuming in excess of 4000 calories, almost double the daily average (~2500). Today it's Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year for reasons unbeknownst to me, and we are officially in Christmas season, even though the actual holiday is over a month away, amazing that like 10% of the year can be devoted to one day… but whatever i guess we need some ruthless whimsical and materialist buying to ward off any sense of being thankful for anything. We, as Americans, and certainly myself included, seem so much better at seeing what we don't have, than we ever will be at actually being grateful for what we take for granted. And thanksgiving simply serves as a gateway for Christmas, which seems to represent about 50% of what's wrong with the people in this country.

so with that i'll leave you. My day of giving thanks has passed, but this lifetime of bitching has just begun.

"i'm so all American i'll sell you suicide." -Manson, irresponsible Hate Anthem, Antichrist Superstar. 1996.

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well then, it's Sunday. Sundays really suck they certainly are, in every respect the lord's day, everyone just mopes around like they are dreading church, or just got done with church and hated it and have to work tomorrow, and the air is just very oppressed feeling. But what can one expect?-it's the lord's day. What really pisses me off about Sundays is the fact that it's actually supported as some sort of fucking religious day. i mean, shit, this is America, it's not like this country lets any sort of holiness or reverence interfere with making money, fucking look at Christmas, when's the last time you've seen anyone celebrate Christmas without buying a shitload of consumables and playing fucking weak music while baking goods intended to be 100% consumed in 0.3 days?-me neither, you know if bars would be open 'til 1 on Sunday nights, retail establishments would be open etc i'd be a much happier human being. The worst thing about living in fucking Fargo is the fact that by law retail stores can't open before noon on Sundays. What the fuck kind of law is that?-i'm always amazed at the loopholes our government will try to find in its own constitution. What a sick place.

Right now tizmo is here in Fargo, he was in Fergus Falls for the holiday-weekend except he drove to Minneapolis and back on Friday to close on a house… anyway we all went to a guy named "John's" place last night (all= UAIOE, his wife (anne), jesse (his wife holly whom also happens to be UAIOE's sister), darthmullet, tizmo, and myself) and watched Star Wars i on DVD, it was pretty cool, we drank some and grilled some and just sat around. i abstained from eating since i had just prepared and consumed large quantities of pasta a short while earlier, but everyone else had steak and couscous (i had a bit of tizmo's steak, and it was awesome! darthmullet's a fucking awesome steak-cooker-guy). i was pretty impressed, we walked into John's townhome/apt and the first thing we saw was a beautifully plant-bulb lit 90 gallon aquarium with 3 enormous redbellies lazily gracing the bottom. i tell ya' those bastards must have been 1-1.5 pounds a piece, just brutish looking. darthmullet used to have 2 reds in his 55 at the old apt, but we had to give 'em up for charity when we moved because we would be tankless for about a day and a half. They were cool fish, and we talk about getting more quite often. Right now there's a clown knifefish and a blue ahli in the 55, and they're cool fish, but we just don't love them the way we loved those reds. A very non-cuddly manly appreciative love mind you, not that sappy i wanna spend the night type of love, we're nothing but manly men 'round here, wonder of those piranhas would drink stout?-bet it would fuck 'em up…i regress… well so, we got back last night at about 0230 or so, stayed up and talked 'til about 0320, at which time we zonked out, and i got up today at around 0730. something happens to me when i drink enough to not be sick, but enough to be really damn happy (usually somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 or so drinks), in that i can only seem to sleep around 3 or 4 hours, maybe it's that imbalance inside my head again having some sort of weird orgasm from the ethyl alcohol, or maybe something else. it's the same way when i sleep with someone (no sex) in that i always wake up like 3 or 4 hours after i go to sleep, and just lay there, not wanting to move lest i wake someone who is still enjoying her sleep (just because my life sucks doesn't mean i have to make hers suck as well (even though i invariably eventually do)) i'm not sure if it's just some kind of excitement or something that i just don't feel on a "normal" day, and therefore can't force myself to wake and drag onward another day, or what the deal is. But i do know that when i drink enough to still be drunk when i wake up i can't ever seem to get up to experience my lingering gift from the night before. This was certainly the case last weekend in Minneapolis when we drank all of that shit and i spent most of my night dozing in piles of dirty clothes. But i don't feel like talking about that again. it's really kind of odd how someone i really have very little connection to can occupy so much of my clockcycles. You know last night like every 10 minutes i thought to myself "JR would be having a good time if she were here," maybe it's some kind of macho thing or something, but i just always think i have such good friends (which i really do), and i want to share them with people i care about, or want to become more involved with. But again i regress. i'm a pretty hard person to impress and am usually not wowed by, well, anything really. But every time i get together with a bunch of my friends i'm always thoroughly impressed by the degree of intrinsic closeness and compatibility of our commune. i also think often about the strangeness of still having all of my friends being those i've graduated from high school with, on the one hand it seems like such a loser-type of thing to do, but on the other: why should anyone feel like they need new friends?-especially when the ones they have are so absolutely awesome. on many levels i think my friends have replaced family in my life, or maybe not so much replacement as i feel that i have been without a cohesive family throughout most of my life, i'm not sure about putting anything into words or trying to quantify my relationships or family or "rate" anything, but this is how i feel much of the time.

So i had a brief 1.5 hour excersion from writing as tizmo woke up a little after Kellie called, and we ate breakfast and he hit the road, has to make it back to Minneapolis today. it was nice to play host for tizmo as i'm always staying at his place when i'm in the Minneapolis area, sometimes i feel a little bad for him as i think he bears too much responsibility for shit considering his age, i mean he just purchased a house, and has been supporting himself 100% since he was 18, and has all his shit straight and figured out. But also i think he misses out on all of life that requires some degree of recklessness, he drinks very moderately, doesn't have a girlfriend, etc. etc. i see a lot of me in him, except for the depression, which i only see in me, but on we're very similar on many levels, although i have probably gained the pseudoselfdestructive recklessness these past few years while he was playing navy paying his way through the school that my father pays for me. i guess much falls back to that question of what is really important in life, getting ahead, trying new things, being strong, being fallible, etc. etc. so what is really important in life? i used to always think getting ahead, and making the best possible future for myself should be strived for no matter the cost. Currently i don't really believe this ideology, i mean sure, an individual has to have his/her shit straight and life should be going somewhere, but i think i've missed a lot by looking too far into the future, including looking past what i want. it's such a strange feeling trying to consider what i really want, maybe it's this way for everyone. Society seems to tell us so much of what we want i often feel i've forgotten what's really important to me, that i may have lost something that i can't ever get back. Perhaps it's the whole idea of innocence and having somehow lost that on the road to the now, or perhaps it's something more genuine. it's funny to think i'm probably more in tune intrapersonally than most people wandering about, and yet i still seem to have so little of a grasp on what it is i actually want from this life, or strive to become. Or perhaps i'm just bored enough to jot down all of my ramblings whereas real people actually have shit to do. it's so easy to look at my own death and think to myself: "when i die, will i even be worth remembering?" is being remembered even important? On a certain level i have always said it doesn't matter what the hell people think, they're all idiots anyway, but on a deeper level it would be nice to be remembered, not necessarily because i'm famous or rich or anything like that, but because i made a worthwhile contribution to our species. But then one looks at things logically, and worthwhile contributions are hard to come by, it's not just any schmoe that does something so well that it's actually noticed. i guess we all contribute somewhat just be existing, but one must stop and question how much working some job buying things at Target, and popping out babies really contributes to humanity. it contributes so much more to our misplaced society and meager existence of unsustainable mental squalor. it would be nice to do something that is provocative, makes people think, this i think would be a great gift. There are so many individuals who have little redeeming social quality and yet have done more for humanity than they could ever know. i mean fucking Adolf Hitler arguably one of the most terrible people of modern history, and yet his ideology has sparked so much debate, and thought about the value of fundamental human liberties, and the repercussions of violating them, that as a whole his existence has bettered our future. And interestingly enough Hitler has probably bettered our future much moreso than any pope, or modern-day president ever has. Of course you can always argue this point, but the idea remains the same, and holds much truth. in Hitler's case it has been division that has strengthened us. Ever since sept 11 2001 there have been all of these annoying American flags all over the place: on peoples' cars, in windows, on billboards, on the net, on TV, etc. with stupid slogans reading "united we stand." Like anyone ever fucking takes the time to think about what this slogan means. Fuck, we live in a country made up of immigrants, my family came from Japan and the Ukraine scarcely a few generations ago, we're not a country that's ever been made up of united people. it's our divisions, and differences that have made us strong, and will continue to do so. Not so much the actual divisions, but the thought and discussion they evoke, because we think, because we question, we stand. The idea of being united is such a fallible one, on a certain level any group of people will always be divided. it's such a false unity when a group of people become united against some other group or idea, it turns into a sick perversion of unity in that we depend upon whatever it is we hate for unity, and fall into the hole of looking for things to hate to keep that feeling alive. i doubt there will ever be true unity but it is acceptance and understanding that make us human in the end, not being a part of some group that defines itself as hate of other groups.

Ever look back on your day and wonder what the hell you spent all of your time doing? i got up at 0730, it's 1230 now, what the fuck did i accomplish?

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it's strange, for some reason i've always thought November had/has 31 days, but apparently it only has 30, this may not be a new revelation to you, but sometimes it takes me a few more years than normal to figure these things out. So i learn this @ 22, other people learn it at 8, really what's the difference?-actually i still can't remember when the hell any of the months end, except for February because it only has 28 days (well 29 every 4 years due to the fact that there's actually 365.2422 days in a year, but we only count 365), you know that .088 day deviation from a perfect quarter makes me wonder if we're going to have a 30 day February sometime…probably not in my lifetime i suppose.

Lifetime: so what a word with an absolutely shitty meaning. In but 2 syllables one can be immediately reminded of the ultimate vise on this earth: mortality. The question so often hypothetically arises: if you could live forever would you? The conundrum of putting up with yourself for eternity, or letting our flawed bodies carry us to oblivion. I always say "yes" if i could live forever in a heartbeat i would accept, most people i know however have said "no," i find it slightly amusing that most of the people that say "no" believe in some sort of afterlife, and by saying "no" they really mean they want to exist forever, just not in our prime material plane, so does that really mean that everyone wants to live forever it's just that our idea of what "living" means? My greatest sorrow regarding death is the fact that it represents the loss of everything in life. All of the experiences, the knowledge, the relationships one makes in his/her lifetime suddenly become more or less meaningless, of course an individual's contribution to society is important, but dying oft leaves that investment unfinished and therefore any groundwork laid, wasted. Death is not the culmination of life, it is the striping of assets from a peoples. I regret that i will not exist to know what becomes of our race in 1000 years, if we are destined for the cosmos or doomed to failure. If racism will always exist, if religion will always exist, will humanism ultimately become this world's religion?-i fear i will never know the answers to my most fundamental questions. Not only does death subtract from our overall pool of resources in the end, but it disrupts life far before it's approach. Everything in our society, especially here in America, is a huge race against time. I need to get my degree, and make money, and do this or that before i get too old, i think if we were to live longer we would be much more tolerant as a society, and less pushy about, well, just about everything. It's unfortunate that we're mortal, i feel as though i'm just a personification of our imperfect physiques. It's also unfortunate that mainstream society thinks it's somehow right to grow old and die, like there's some law governing life that requires every living thing to die on its own accord. Understandably this notion is usually somehow tied in with religion, and morals, and values et. al. but honestly if the ability to live forever would happen to be available should they be able to dictate my desires based on their beliefs? The argument oft gets made that we need to die in order to keep our population down, seldom do people realize that the death rate is not usually the determining factor in a species growth rate, rather it is the birth rate. In this country were it not for immigrants, we would have a negative growth rate. In many European countries a negative growth rate has been observed for some time. Why? Simply because with advancing civilization comes a lower number of per capita offspring. In an established society the need for many children is greatly diminished. On the most rudimentary level the survival rate of children rises and less children are expected to die, and thus less are born, in addition education about contraception, population growth, the costs of education, and raising children become mores more commonplace, and the logic of having many children simply starts to elude many individuals. It is interesting to note that much of this diverges from religious teachings, and it is only by bending religious allusion do we attain a better society in this regard. Taken as a whole, if aging were not something commonplace how long would we live? This is perhaps hard to extrapolate considering the degree of social change an non-aging population would entail. But many chronic diseases associated with aging are really chronic states which accumulate over the years, take atherosclerotic disease for instance, perhaps the biggest killer in the US population. It's not so much the result of aging as it is the result of years of insult and damage to our CV tissue, many disease processes are like this. Sure there is often an aging component, but much of it is just a time-component. These diseases would continue to kill. Likewise people would still kill each other and themselves, car accidents would still occur, natural disasters would still cleanse regions of populations etc. our population would surely not become one of unstoppable growth. Perhaps in our eyes now it would, but time is a very relative measure of reality. If i live for 50 years i would think 100 would be an eternity. If greater society is composed of denizens living a healthy 400 years perspectives would change, people would wait until they were 200 before having children, and perhaps society would be much like it is today. Perhaps it would not. Additionally quality of life becomes a serious issue for the elderly around the world, one can arguably make the assertion that life at 85 isn't quite as good as life at 20, i'm not going to argue either way, but wouldn't it be nice if we could retain the bodies of our youth throughout the course of our lives?

i find it interesting that assessing hypothetics is so much more indicative of an individual than is assessing "real" things, usually anyway.

fuck, you know speaking of getting old: i think i'm going to have bad knees when i'm older, because my knees fucking hurt today and i haven't done anything with them since this morning…it's snowing right now and sometimes they hurt when the weather changes, so maybe that's what the deal is.

otherwise hmm… not too many new events or thought on my mind lately, darthmullet Jesse, UAIOE, will and i went to old Chicago last night and had a drink (darthmullet had 2), that was alright, it's been snowing a lot up here lately, the other day i went outside and there were drifts higher than my head in our driveway, which naturally sucked…

i've been thinking somewhat realistically about the whole relationship thing this past week or so. I don't really know what to think of it all, i don't know if i could be with someone without getting sick of her, and it's hardly fair to ask someone out when i think i'm not going to like her as much in a month or two. Additionally the reasons i have for becoming involved with someone are so selfish, mainly just to have someone to talk to, and someone to care about. Which i guess are the reasons most people have for relationships (excluding horny men i suppose), but this is also the reason why i am generally so disenfranchised with the whole relationship thing in general, honestly no one starts a relationship for the person they're starting it with, but caring comes after he/she looks past his/her original selfish intentions. I would tell JR i like her, but she would agree with everything i just stated decrying the ideologies rooted in relationships, which would make it even more stupid for us to ever agree with being with one another. That and i think her response would be one of gentle but honest rejection, as i doubt she feels the same way about me. Sometimes i feel a brief flash of excitement as i feel like something's happening in my life, but usually, as i think will happen now, that spark fades in the drizzle, and life commences as it always has. Perhaps i'm just not needy enough to be unsingle, or perhaps i'm just too weak to ever work up the courage to ever tell anyone how i feel about her. Additionally i still have regrets about any hard feelings which may exist between myself and Dena8. they serve to remind me that 99% of the time interpersonal endeavors result in nothing more than bitter feelings and memories sewn with regret.

well, i suppose i should get ready for work here pretty quick, see you in december.

*//aging_exempt.end
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