i've come to the conclusion that Sarah McLachlan's song "fumbling toward ecstasy" in its live version is pretty damn awesome, no idea if her "dead" version is as good, as i don't own the CD, but at work several months ago i listened to "Mirrorball" and was rather impressed, so as soon as CD whorehouse (cd warehouse) got a cp i naturally purchased it. i used to own a non-live (dead) McLachlan CD, i purchased it back when i was a lot more into purchasing things because they were popular. I never much cared for the CD though, and i had acquired it at the same time i got a Paula Cole CD, probably through one of those BMG offers or something, but McLachlan could just never compared to the energy and emotion of Cole… anyway i sold it when i started selling back all the shit i never listened to (mainly 90% of my non-industrial stuff). But yea, i probably purchased about 20-30 cd's in august (when i ended my 2 year cd-buying boycott, fuck the RIAA) and i made it a mission to purchase them all used, that way none of my money directly went to the RIAA, nor the record companies who sleep with them (which AFAIK is all but 2 of them, and you've never heard of the 2). I did break down and buy 3 of them new as i knew i would never, ever see them used: cEvin kEy's "the ghost of each room," Skinny Puppy's "BRAP 5, Doomsday, live in Dresden, and ohGr, "Welt." I felt the chances of finding any of these used in Fargo was essentially 0%, and since i'm a whore i'm also planning on purchasing Gravity Kills' new CD, "Superstarved" when it is released later this month [update 2.4.2, 'Superstarved' is re-scheduled for a 3.19.2 release, as is KMFDM's 'ATTAK']. I've been craving a new GK CD for the past couple of years, and i'm actually pretty psyched, would rather see a new nails, SP, or KMFDM release instead, but we all know the chances of that happening… especially the latter two, actually NiN is releasing a "live" cd in January, haven't heard much in the way of details yet though, but i will spend my fat dollar on it.

so today is Saturday, like all lazy weekends i gradually woke up to the sound of silence instead of the incessant sound of my bastard Sony alarm clock, and like all Saturdays i briefly considered doing school work, this thought occupied my mind for about 12 seconds but then somehow escaped my conscious thought. Fuck that i NEVER do school work on weekends. Actually i remember this one weekend i did because we were required to write a formulary for an OTC class i took, i think mine was the shortest one and it was a little over 40 pages, but we were supposed to work on it all semester, like anyone fucking did. But i worked on it the very last weekend before finals week last year, i think it took about 40 hours to do, which basically equated to Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of that weekend. But that's the only time i remember doing homework on a weekend. The really sweet part of that story is that i took that class first semester last year instead of this year, when i decided the "normal classes weren't enough so i tacked on clinical toxicology, OTC, and immunology/serology lab (since i took immunology early as well), so all my classmates are fucking stressing about the OTC project while i don't have to even think about it. of course the flipside is that i've been used to taking over 20 credits/sem and now i have 13 and so i've been very bored and as a result haven't been doing nearly as well. I get a really bad attitude when i'm not busy, so my current school mentality is "fuck it." healthy eh?

No big revelations for today i don't think, last night i worked until 2100, and then just went to barnes and noble for a while, i was looking for a book i saw a slashdot review on called "Beyond Contact" written about SETI, and the physics involved in contacting ETs, they naturally didn't have it, and i read about 50 pages out of a book called "the bit and the pendulum," which ended up being pretty interesting, was a book about the physics future of information (ie computers and stuff), B&N closed when i was reading about quantum cryptography, which i've never really read much about before, but was very, very interesting. I'm thinking about purchasing the two books online and saving myself from having to venture out in public to read them, we'll see what they cost online, since it's December i'm sure there's a ton of decent coupon codes floating the net, we'll see. I've been thinking about passion some lately, not the "i'm passionate about a person" passion, but actual passion in an academic interest. There are many things i've always been very passionate about: Bacteriology, Virology, Immunology, Astronomy, Physics, Egyptology, Mayan history, cryptology, IT, Epidemiology, and stuff like that. I think in this sense i'm a bit of a purist, you know this pharmacy stuff is alright and all, but i really have no passion for the field, there's nothing wrong with it, i just don't care much about it. and i certainly don't want to give my life to such a subject. I mean think about this: Astronomy: is there a field that is geared more toward the pure pursuit of knowledge? Very little, comparatively can be directly applied to every-day life, with the obvious horrible exception of all the astrophysists who were recruited to make nuclear weapons in the 1940's. But seriously it's a passion about knowledge that drives this field, i don't think it's a passion of knowledge that drives pharmacy, it's Merck's daily stock quote, it's sick people missing work, it's capitalism, and greed. And while pharmacy is important, i feel for a long-term greater good, it's far less important than is understanding our universe and our place in that system. And i'll agree that all of the subjects i've listed aren't the most altruistic fields one could go into, i will say that i feel they all strongly influence our understanding of ourselves, how we fit into the world around us, and where we are ultimately headed. Being a pharmacist is like being a lawyer, pawns of the moment, simply existing to cater to the whims of present day society.

Anyway darthmullet's home and he brought some fish-food (little mini-goldfish) so i think i'm going to watch the ahli and knifefish consume them.



if there's one thing that continually pisses me off it's not having enough time, and in lieu of the fact that i didn't get up today until after 11 makes myself the only asshole to blame for my misplaced overslept anger. I always look back on my day and say to myself "man if i would have just gotten up at 6 instead of 8," or "3 instead of 5" or whatever. Truth is no matter when i wake up be it 1300, 0100 or whatever, i always wish i had gotten up a couple of hours earlier. I wish i just didn't need sleep at all, i've been meaning to try not sleeping for as long as i physically can for a while now, wonder how long i could hold out? I think on several occasions i have stayed awake for 48 hours or more, but i wonder if i could do 72…i think i'd have to be really physically busy. I've never done any drugs before (well alcohol and i've smoked a couple of times when i was drunk i guess) but i'd imagine it would be much like being sleep deprived, maybe i should try 96 hours, and then heroin and compare the two. Yea, or something.

so work flew by yesterday, it was petty damn busy, the hospital was full and there were a lot of really sick people lying about, so that's always kind of a nice change, although i'm all about sitting around and soaking up a paycheck it's cool to actually bust my ass every now and then, reminds my of working in a restaurant.

well i suppose i'll transcribe something personal here since there seems to be a huge void of anything interesting to say: i guess there's always muddlement when trying to understand the history of someone's significant-other relationships, so maybe i'll give a crack at demystifying it, my "list" is very short, so this should be a synch.

so Andrea was my first girlfriend, i was 15 at the time, i guess i was/am sort of a late-bloomer as they call it. anyway she wasn't really my first, there a couple of other girls that i had "gone out with" before, but one of then was for like a week, and the other for like a month etc. so i don't really think they much count (i think there were only 2). I still talk to Andrea every now and then, she's in Ireland right now, i think she gets back in January sometime, at which time she'll go back to Hamline in St. Paul, which is also the college providing the means for her to stay there. I guess i do kind of have a lot to say about Andrea, and i think there's still some "magic" between us, although we are like 100% different people there probably always exists some air of the first for a very long time. i don't know that i would ever go out with her again, i would consider dating her, and would most certainly hang out with her, etc. perhaps it's just comfort, perhaps an understanding. Although we hardly ever talk she probably knows me better than 99% of anyone i know, perhaps the only person who knows me better is SMEAT!, who also happened to be going out with her for a while, wonder if that has anything to do with anything. Also Andrea is atheist, she has always been atheist and will never change, which is really fucking cool. SMEAT! is also 100% die-hard atheist, i think the fact that they know me so well and being atheist is no coincidence, but i think this is a totally different discussion entirely. Andrea's also the one that told me that choirgirl31 and i make a good couple because we're both cold and distant, which was/is true.
i used to work with a girl named Cheryl when i was a senior in high school. She was totally fucking cool, and fun, and just an awesome girlfriend in every way, except i naturally got all weird and fucked it up. i was 17 at the time, and she was like 21, this difference of age always nagged at me and continually raised the question in my mind: "what the fuck does she want with me?" i guess i never really figured it out entirely, although now retrospectively i think she just really liked me for who i was and didn't care much about the age, i mean it certainly wasn't for my money or my body or anything else i didn't have, so i guess this conclusion makes sense. And all the more terrible that i fucked it up i suppose. I had a really good time when i was with her, and i suppose she was my first sexual experience, although we never had sex or oral sex or anything like that, i feel it was my first experience (probably more emotional than anything). The other thing that sucked is that my now-deceased mother hated her, and didn't trust her nor me at all together, which really fucking pissed me off, it's really the only thing my mother had ever done that really, really, pissed me off, and still does. But Cheryl was a cool girlfriend, i think we went out for a couple of months or so. I often wonder where she is now, and what she's doing, i would like to talk to her and find out. SMEAT! has offered several times to find her for me, as his mother used to go to her father's church, and it's like the only Jehovah's Witness church in Fergus Falls, so they all stay pretty tight. I have declined this offer in the past, but perhaps someday i'll take him up on it.
ok i have no idea why the fuck she picked the pseudonym "Gdog," but who am i to judge. So Gdog and i never actually went out, we just saw each other for a short amount of time between my freshman and sophomore years of college (mostly in the summertime), Andrea and Cheryl were are the only 2 girls i have ever gone out with. She's very cool and witty and fun to hang out with, but on the flipside she's a typically fucked-up catholic, and isn't very booksmart in the slightest. It's odd that i always thought one would have to be somewhat book smart to be witty, i mean a large part of the wit that most of my friends (and sometimes i) like to throw around and show off involve references and regurgitations of large complicated theoretical principles and ideas, so it has always somewhat puzzled me that she can be witty but not know any of the academics behind what she says. Interesting to say the least. But like Andrea she ended up going out with SMEAT! instead, and then horribly fucked him over: when he moved from Minneapolis to Fargo to be with her she dumped him a week after moving citing that he wasn't catholic as a reason, i mean shit, she always knew he would die for his belief in the absence of a supreme being, and it didn't matter for like 8 months until he moves 300 miles to be with her. Anyway glad it wasn't me, not so glad it was SMEAT!. currently she lives in Fargo, does poorly in school, parties a lot, and basically doesn't have much of a plan that i know of, not that i talk to her a whole lot.
i think i have mentioned choirgirl31 before, like Gdog we never actually went out, but unofficially saw each other for a little bit, and i suppose like Gdog we officially broke-up, although we were never officially together, which has always baffled me a bit. Unlike Gdog however choirgirl31 is a lot like me, she's a realist, atheist, humanist, is depressed, but like me uses it to fuel her ambition, etc. anyway i guess i don't really have a lot to say about choirgirl31, other than that i think i still have a lot of feelings for her, but i feel they are very misplaced because we really have nothing to do with each other at this point in time. i think if we were to talk there would be a lot of awkwardness on my part. She has probably been the most comfortable person to be with emotionally, physically and intellectually, and even though we were only "together" for a little over a month the feeling of longing remains. Choirgirl31 also lives in Minneapolis/St_Paul.
well i've already mentioned dena8 quite a few times, and i don't know that i really have a whole lot to say, we really only hung out a few times, which hardly constitutes much of a relationship in any sort of traditional sense. We're supposed to be friends now, but i've called her, and she's never called me nor returned my calls. The phone works both ways, and i remain dubious. As i said before it wouldn't ever really work out between us, and comparing my relationship or potential relationship with dena8 to that of other girls i've been with (namely choirgirl31) it just doesn't make much sense that we should ever be together. I hate to compare people, but one must be rational about things. I've never been a huge advocate of just taking what i can get, but rather striving for something that will better my overall situation. I am deeply sorry that i am being so bastardly rational and dehumanifying right now, but not as sorry as i am for allowing myself to look past the obvious differences between she and i, and ever thinking it would/could work out between us, not that i ever really thought this, but the idea was there i think. Logically she's totally fucking awesome, and the person she ends up with will be one of the luckiest people IMHO, but it just can't be me, fortunately, or unfortunately i don't know, i do know i probably don't "deserve" any kind of relationship with her, not that "deserving" anything really has a whole lot to do with much. Maybe if i believed in ancient tribal superstition it would, man it would be so easy to just give up and believe what everyone else does.

girls with which i've done anything more than kissed: that's nothing i'm going to write here, but i'll tell you it's less than the number of people i've just talked about. And it's no one's fucking business.

gotta get to work.



work's now over and done with, i tell you, no matter what i've done, or where i've worked it seems it's such a mentally draining waste of time. maybe it goes hand in hand with prostrating to the man for so many hours on end…. Anyway i have so many interesting thoughts and ideas while i work, but when i get home i can't remember any of them, and very seldom am i ever in the mood to write. I think this is what sucks the most about work in general, a permanent loss of mental freedom.

the thought for the now:
i want to write a short story about a man who talks his wife out of getting a radical mastectomy after being diagnosed with breast cancer because he can't bear to have an "ugly" wife, and so just plans on letting her die, keeping the money, and finding a new wife, but like all times when i'm done with work i feel like doing absolutely jack shit. Why is it that i never feel like writing after work? Is it a power thing? So used to being powerless and autonomy-less at work that i'm not in the egotistic mindset to let myself go on a power trip by writing about people who fuck up their lives? I think i'm gonna' ditch town this next weekend, Kellie's brother is having a wedding reception in Minneapolis, and she invited me to come along, which right now seems like a pretty appealing thing. Life right now is so dead and pointless, i wish i could just work extra hard and get done with school earlier, but i can't, so i sit here, in this waiting game, knowing that no matter what i do now it won't mean a fucking thing in 17 months, the money i spend, the time i waste, the interactions with people i will never see again. Nothing will matter. Although it is always odd how people pop back up in life, in which case i should be nice to people, but i can't generally see myself be extraordinarily mean or nice to anyone, nor attached in the slightest to 99% of the people i know, sure there's always that 1% that i'd be very sad to not see again, but 99%-who cares? I often wonder if this is a source of mystery for people when they see me, i think that the unattachment intertwined with my deep analytical nature is perhaps the most apparent thing about me. I'm not sure that these are really very desirable or good qualities in me, but i think they are integral to who i am, and don't see this changing anytime soon, there have always been only a handful of people that have mattered to me, and everyone else has always been background, always.

is anyone other than myself really important in this life apart from their influence upon me?



well nothing especially interesting to pour my insides out about… today is Christmas, Christmas day doesn't piss me off as much as it used to. There is no greater symbolism of the economic and social entrapment that religion plays upon us all than Christmas. A commercial, social, religious, and governmental holiday, one cannot escape; out of obligation we buy arguably worthless shit for people who don't need it simply because said individuals are doing the same for us. One must stand back and ask the fundamental question: why? Now this is the best question in the world, everything we know is because someone bothered to ask: 'why?" why are we here? Why does it rain, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west? Why, why why? If no one bothered to ask we'd be living in a feudal system at best. So Christmas, why? What's the point?-is it a religious holiday?-if so what's up with all the worship of the objectifiable? Is it social?-yet a social gathering with little freedom to socialize with whom we want, how social is this? Commercial holiday?-this is what i'm routing for: go money!-and shit on the poor bastards that have nothing to flaunt… or governmental?-phat beaurocrats need another day off, although Christmas has no governmental underpinnings the way other national holidays do (memorial day 4th of july, etc), so this somehow sits a little wrong as well… or is it different for everyone?- i wouldn't observe xmas at all if i had a choice, but considering 99% of everyone else closes all their stores and plays shitty songs on the radio and hangs out with their families, i have little choice. Additionally my family "celebrates" xmas as well, which more or less makes me "celebrate" it with them. I guess my main idea is just that it sucks that everyone celebrates the occasion for different reasons but too many people tend to think everyone else celebrates it for the same reasons they do, i celebrate the holiday to go to church and praise the nonexistent like the people who think i do celebrate it to get stoned and fuck prosties, just doesn't work that way…

so this semester's over with, 16 months to go, not that i'm counting or anything (sarcastic), and i'm out of Fargo like the ruled outta church when the preacher looks the other way. Everything with classes and shit turned out just fine, like they always do, what a fucking joke, school, grades, evaluations, exams, etc. if i had the chance i don't think i could do it all over, take all the tests, put up with all the shit, brainwashing myself into thinking it's so much more important than it is. So this semester i got a 'B' in a class, out of 13 credits; last year i got 'A's' in all of my 45 credits. Was this year 'harder?' no. i just stopped caring: 'A,' 'B,' 'C,' what's the difference?-who's going to care? Are grades indicative of intelligence? I would say certainly not, any idiot can memorize shit and get good grades, but life isn't memorization, it's not about recalling weird facts that might relate to the now, it's about figuring shit out, prioritizing, rationalizing. Do any of these qualities honestly change much as the result of 'education?' sure people grow up, but people always grow up, association does not mean causality, because people who don't go to college don't mentally mature the way the college-bound do, doesn't mean that college causes the maturing process. If college is the only way seen by society to succeed then of course the non-idiots will go to college while leaving their cretin counterparts to plateau their IQ on the bottom step. While i view education as one of the few worth-while investments our country can make in its future, there are a lot of things that really bother me about our current system, and quite possibly the problem is just that i go to a school that really sucks, but generally i think the ability to think critically is very undervalued. I mean look at our society: we can't want everyone to be able to think critically, our entire culture is built upon the fact that the majority of people here can't or choose not to think about much at all. i'm not saying i'm the most informed person around, or that i think everything through to entirety, but gosh, most people just don't even think at all.

i guess i wanted to just write some stuff down, i'm in a strange mood right now where my mind wanders from subject to subject landing on different points of view all the time, so i'll try to lay off any argumentative abstractions. I've been working quite a bit these past few days, tomorrow's my last day for about a week or so, i'm going to drive to Minneapolis, then fly to Chicago for a few days, flying back to Minneapolis to spend new-year's with the guys, i've really been looking forward to this mini-vacation: reading books and eating sushi before getting trashed for new-year's. and yes i'm planning on getting shit-faced for new-years, i haven't been drunk in a long time (like that last time i was in Minneapolis and got sick i think…) and haven't been drunk on a holiday in like…uh… ever. So, should be cool. although getting drunk would be much more fun if i had someone to fall asleep with (no sex), but the possibility of that is usually pretty slim. Seems like girls always want to make out, what's up with that exactly?-my interpretation of the way things worked is that women are less horny than men, i'm pretty damn unhorny about 99.242% of the time. am i really a man? Perhaps the worst thing about this conundrum is that i can tell people are always thinking i'm trying to fuck them or something, when really it's not usually at the forefront of my mind. But anyway, someone to hold and fall asleep with would be just grand. As long as i'm at it a Patek and 360 Modena would be alright along with contact with an alien civilization via SETI. So for my Christmas i went home for 13 hours, changed my oil, exchanged presents saw my brother, sister, and father for a bit, ate a waffle some nuts, a couple of bagels, brushed my teeth and left, short trips back 'home' are nice, but stay there too long and fall into remembering all the reasons i don't live there anymore, and all the parts of my life that i'm not so proud of having lived. Guess this is about it for now… i'd really like to host all this shit this weekend…. We'll see.



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