mostly when i don't work i just sit around, be bored, and be lazy. This week i haven't really been doing too much in the way of work, i've been sleeping many hours a day and killing much more time than spent sleeping, after a while even sleep becomes a means by which to pass on into the next day. So a life of boredom would be, well, boring. I've often wondered if i would allow myself to become bored if i, say, won a billion dollars. I wouldn't be living permanently anywhere, and therefore wouldn't work, but life also perhaps wouldn't be so much waiting, waiting for school the next day, waiting for work, waiting for vacation, waiting for this or that, so would a rich man's life be boring? Could visiting European opera houses and autocrossing fast cars keep myself from boredom, or is it more intrinsic?-gimme a billion dollars and i'll be sure and let ya' know…
So it's now January, the dead month, when it seems the gloom of winter night will never lift and the whole world frozen so bitter cold. If you've ever noticed any pattern to my writing for the dark, the fact that January is a productive month should say a lot. Like all years at this time i can feel the cloud of depression and of despair descending around my thought, and my actions. It's kind of interesting, the manifestations of this feeling, unlike the angsty disagree with the world mentality that predominates the rest of the year this is a feeling of absence, the absence of ambition, of thought, of clarity, of desire, and most importantly of reason. So this year like all the rest the feeling rises as the temperature falls and the semester gears up, like before it will undoubtedly be warded off by feelings poured with pen and ink onto paper and add to the hundreds of poems/pieces/prose/whatever written before to achieve this same end. One could equate the feeling to a monster lurking just outside, or a divine hand guiding every action into the ground, every once in a while i can catch myself doing or saying things i normally never would, snapping at people, feeling like buying stupid shit, whatever, the hole inside screams to be filled with something, at this time more than any other. If i were weaker, if my coping skills different, if my belief in self were not so high, i would never have made it this far, January/February would swallow me up, and the future would never return. Sometimes the feeling remains into April or May, and sometimes it's gone by 24.2, for whatever reason a magical yet insignificant day. If i ever become an alcoholic, or drug abuser, suffer psychosocial collapse, get a divorce, quit my job in anger, or anything of the sort, i'd put money on this time of year as the date. Who knows maybe it's just school or something, but i doubt it.
In other news… not too much, i have a half-completed entry about semester break and new-years and shit sitting on the server at work, so i'll wrap that up sometime. I've decided that Feb. 4 (2.4.2) will be the day this site goes live, and thereafter updates whenever's convient for me, with perhaps major renovations on 24.2 of every year. We'll see.
Expect to see in the light (someday):
about it for now.
- featured musicians: as music seems such an inspiration in my life.
- the year in perspective: what i think is important that happened in the past 365.2422 days both personally and globally.
- Short Stories!: i've started writing lots, but don't think i've ever really finished any of them…
- Graphic Art: haven't had much experience with this, but think it would be cool.
- Music: absolutely no experience with this, but also think it would be cool, i need money and a Macintosh before this happens though.
- Autobiographies of everyone mentioned on this site…that would be cool!
Sunday, bloody Sunday. In another 25 minutes it will no longer be the worst day of the week, most people complain about Mondays and such, personally, i hate Sunday. The lord's day, no other day of the week wreaks of as much oppression as this holy day, when millions of hypocritical Americans whore themselves out to an hour of self-loathing, followed by cabin-fever-type misery, and i'm not talking about fucking your girlfriend 47 times in one day cabin-fever, i'm talking about 12 little children running and whining around the house while tearing holes in their Sunday clothes during Ninja Turtle living room WWF matches, while parents sit around and wish the could have been better people for not only the week before, but their entire lives. Yes Sunday is certainly the crown jewel of the week, the day of rest, wrestling, and restless boredom, before the onslaught of true prostration come Monday. The bark is so much worse than the bite of working, and the bark of forthcoming is up your tree the entire day of Sunday, coupled with the fact that nothing's open except a plethora of avenues for argument Sundays make me want to die.
Ok so that might be an exaggeration, i actually had a pretty decent day today, except for the fact that i didn't get up on time and had to go to work w/o showering, and my toilet almost overflowed twice but then fixed itself, and i didn't win the lottery like i wanted to the day before, it was a pretty good day. Got a bit happy last night with darthmullet, UAIOE, and anne at bennies, went into work at 0130 still happy, gave 'em all a tour of the place, and talked to pbs for a bit, fell into a less than cozy german-bier slumber, and woke up, worked, watched Snatch with Kellie, and now it's now… time flies when you're having fun i guess…
So i don't have class until 1830 tomorrow, so it's almost like having a 3-day every weekend, except it leaves me the obvious uncertainty as to whether or not to work tomorrow during the day, then go to class for 3 hours, or sleep in, do some writing, then go to class and be broke and broken. Having a tiny earning potential really blows, actually having to contemplate whether to whore my day away for less than 100 bucks, it's pathetic. I've heard the expression "sex ruins everything" a million times, it's just not true (probably because i've never had any sex…) but "money ruins everything" is certainly more befitting. All the worrying about stupid fucking bills, and who paid an extra 50 bucks for rent, and how much some asshole put down for a tip when i would have tipped 5x as much, it's really just a lot more sad than anything…
So more about myself for now: hmmm… nothing much comes to mind, haven't been up to much, haven't been working much, haven't been doing much school either. i think i've been sleeping a lot lately in my enormous bed by myself, which, naturally, is much better than sleeping in my old single-bed by myself, man that bed fucking sucked. If i stretched all the way out either my feet or my clunky head would hit the foot/head boards, and it was all lumpy from jumping on it when i was younger, etc. etc. at least this bed i can stretch out without my ends hitting anything other than soft sheets. It would be nice to have someone to sleep with, i don't want sex, or a make-out buddy, or anything of the sort, just someone to be comfortable with and sleep with, but that doesn't seem horribly forthcoming at the moment, nor do i really see this changing anytime soon, but that's life i suppose; this desire is out of loneliness, which is also the basis for marriage, one-night stands, a pornography industry, mistrust, misunderstanding, an overindulgence of alcohol (much of the time anyway), and much discontentment in general. It's a pity this is such a universal and fundamental feeling, unlike contentment, respect or acceptance. Why is this? Our Darwinian engine seems to select for, and love those who are paranoid, dubious, and critical, mainly because this engine also loves those who are crafty, underhanded and unrestrained. A clearly fatal flaw in a quest for humanity or a genuine unity.
The plan for the week: school, work, sleep, eat, Minneapolis?-perhaps, we'll see…next Monday is a holiday so it'll be a 3-day weekend, and i really miss SMEAT!, Tizmo, and Mess, and SMEAT! and i have got to make a hard-core mixed industrial CD to sent to my cousin, and i've gotta get a cp (that's "copy" for all ya' non-NIX people) of wolfenstein, and the D2 expansion. We need to get some shit done for at least some of our multiple sites, and there's no fucking Thai Restaurants in this damn town, some Stoli sounds good too, but there's just something inherently not fun about drinking in Fargo, if the world were god(tm*) Fargo would be the dark and smelly asshole after a long night of Habineros and Tequila.
*god is a wholly owned subsidiary of Micro$oft, licensed exclusively with expressed permission to bigots for use in applications dealing with, but not limited to: misery, hypocrisy, suffering, war, intolerance, discrimination, alienation and world domination. It is in violation of the EULA to use god(tm*) for use in non-commercial, educational, intellectual, or otherwise non-profit ventures. Disassembly, decompiling, reverse engineering, or otherwise circumventing established dogma, and anecdotal hogwash is strictly prohibited and is in violation of the DMCA, and will be in violation of the SSSCA, and will inevitably result of criminal prosecution and/or religious persecution. god(tm*) is a registered trademark of tyranny, and is protected by Universal Patent Law, and totalitarianism. After all god(tm*) sees all.
until next time: fuck the man…
FRIDAY! Fuckin' kick-ass! Normally Fridays aren't all that cool, but i'm trekking down to Minneapolis today after class, which unfortunately lasts until 1530, which i'm not so sure i understand, ok so normally if a class is 1 semester credit, it is 50 minutes of lecture per week, so for example: Class XXXX 110 is 3 credits and meets from 1100-1150 MWF, ok makes sense? Now this doesn't hold true for labs because a "normal" person spends 2 hours outside of class studying for every hour in class (which i think means 2h for 50 min), so really 3 credits is supposed to represent 9 hours of total work per week, which is why 12 credits (36h) is considered full time student. So a lab can be 3 hours/week and be 1 credit, which is pretty stupid because 1) no one actually spends even 1/10 of that much time outside of lecture looking at jack shit, and 2) most labs i've had have included more 'outside of class' work than any lecture i've ever been in. but my point wasn't intended to rag on labs (even though the credit is fucked up for them), but to say that our renal/electrolytes class is from 1300-1520 or 140 minutes, and is worth 2 credits, if it were another 10 minutes of lecture it would be worth 3, you'd think they would either 1) round up, 2) schedule class meeting minutes in multiples of 50, or 3) not meet for the entire semester (like not have class 2/7 of the time). but in this case none of the aforementioned scenarios are the case. Bastards.
Anyway, who cares really? i think i have a little under 180 credits under my belt right now, so it's not like i'm worried about having enough or something, but it's principle just as when someone buys a Ford car and it breaks he/she should have known better than to buy a Ford, (because they fucking suck) but are still pissed/disappointed/dissatisfied.
Speaking of cars, i suppose, for the record i should say something now since the automotive industry is one of my passions:
Cars i would buy had i the cash (current production cars only)
- Ferrari: any, heritage, passion, beauty, elegance, speed, and like a fine Italian wine it fills worthless nobodies like me with lust and fire. i'll take the 456 GT without the "A," though, thanks.
- Porsche: 911 variants, although GT3 over turbo, GT2=death and C4 well over C2. 996t lost something from the 993t, and i don't like it as much. I don't like Boxters much, even the S.
- Audi: love the TT, A4, & A8, and especially the S and RS variants (even though there are no RS's in the States), A6's are dogs, and the new big expensive wagon-things are just that, if an Audi isn't Quattro & turbo i don't want it.
- VW: ah… cars for normal people… i love VW's, but i try not to be a 'normal' person, wouldn't buy a bug though.
- BMW: M3, M5, 540i (NOT the wagon), Z08, any lesser model, why bother?
- Honda/Acura: a lot of cars i like here, Honda seems to be the only company with enough balls to put real screamers on the street, their VTECs are simply amazing, and were more-or-less the first of the variable valve timing engines on the US market, if i purchased a Honda it would have to be VTEC, nothing else, something about a 4 banger with 200hp that reds at 8 and have never had a warranty claim anywhere in the world turns me on, on, on.
- Toyota/Lexus: since they killed the Supra Turbo Toyota doesn't make much with a whole lot of raw passion, but the company still makes invincible automobiles for a reasonable price.
- Nissan/Infinity: wish they hadn't killed the 300ZX, but the 350Z is commin' soon, we'll see. A nice blend of Honda's adventure, and Toyota's invincible-ness. I like the new SE-R's even if they are a little low on power, the 240hp Altima's are damn decent too, wish they sold the Skyline here, not a huge infinity fan.
- Mitsubishi: Mitsubishi generally sucks, except they are supposedly bringing the EVO VII here, which is they only reason they're on this side of the line, an EVO is one of the only cars i would ever consider buying brand new.
- Subaru: like Mitsubishi, the WRX is the only reason Subaru is on this side of this list, other than the fact that Subaru's are indestructible, fuck the Japanese are cleaver, just like the Germans.
Cars i would not fucking buy (especially if i didn't have the cash).
- ford: this includes Lincoln, Mercury, et al. Fuck Ford, i have nothing good to say about this company, except that it's 1 of 4 (BMW, Peugeot, Fiat, Ford) car companies left in the world still controlled by a family (as opposed to the public), but they're probably bastards anyway.
- GM: this includes, Chevrolet (a French name, go figure), GMC, Pontiac, Oldsmobile, Cadillac, et al. just like Ford, except controlled solely by the public, their products suck both in quality and lack of innovation/motivation, controlled by fat union employees undeserving of their jobs, and just generally a bunch of idiots that make ugly, cheap, and otherwise shitty automobiles.
- Mercedes: Stupid for buying Chrysler, buy a BMW instead.
- Chrysler: includes Plymouth, Dodge, Jeep/Eagle, et al. typical American shit company, losing money on even bigger loser cars that come a dozen to a dime, and not worth even that.
- Mazda: tainted by Ford.
- Austin Martin: i think one can buy these here, But fucked by Ford anyway.
- Jaguar: Tainted 100% by ford, remember when Jags were premier racers both on the track as well as the streets?-not on ford's watch.
- Volvo: Owned, and soon to be tainted by Ford.
- Lotus: the GM equivalent to Jaguar.
- Saab: Owned, and soon to be tainted by GM.
- Isuzu: build invincible 4WDs to be driven through rivers in Africa, but do they make anything i would ever use?
- Lamborghini: was owned by Ford, now owned by Audi, that's cool, but i want a Ferrari, i don't wear my GP for nothing ya' know.
- Land Rover: not even sure if they still sell on this side of the Atlantic, but the quality gnomes are at work pissing on their leaky-mobiles.
- Maserati: owned by Ferrari, but still, though you don't see me buying a Fiat, buy a Ferrari.
- Bentley & Rolls: not sure if one can buy a Rolls here, but i just don't like heavy cars, i'm sure if i did i would love Bentleys (&Rolls), something about driving a 5000 pound car doesn't do it for me.
- Daewoo: there's a reason they're 7 billion dollars in the hole, and i think that reason has something to do with the reason i wouldn't buy one.
- Kia/Hundai: *throws up*
fuck, sorry for the excursion (no, not the ford gigantasoar), i've gotta get to school and get to writing a small-yet-sucky paper.
hmm… toast with peanut butter, a stolen chai tea, making my life flutter, sustenance for me.
This morning like 9 million other mornings starts out with whole grain toast with a fatty helping of peanut butter and something hot to drink to help my stomach actually break down the globs of goopy masticated bread and nutty paste ruthlessly swallowed without regard to desensitized and forced-fed taste buds which make their living by overriding the gag reflex… ok, not really, but this is sort of how most of my mornings start out. Today like the last 99999 in a row i've failed to get up when i wanted, which happened to be 7, but slept in, in this case 'til 10. suck, so i'll write this, go to school, read some shit for a quiz, go to class, fuck up on the quiz, go to work, then come back home and start the cycle of laziness anew all the while with the perpetual fear of running out of money hanging over my head. It sucks being in college when any trivial thing could decimate my funds, like the tranny going out in my car, which i think it is because the overdrive is acting all fuckidy, damn fucking AT's, man i beat the hell out of my Toyota and it never broke, every second of its life it was within an inch of death, and nothing ever broke. I drive the Mazda nicely, sanely, and gently, and shit fucking breaks on it all the time, the moral of this story: DON'T BUY A MAZDA, especially now that ford has their eager Jon hands all over them, buy something that doesn't break…
The thought of the moment:
Too much of the time life consists of only a lazy collections of unrealized ambitions, the now feels so useless and the future so vast that poor waifs like me never get around to doing much of anything at all. i'm not saying i'm not doing anything, but i'd say perhaps 10% of my potential, or what i would like to see myself doing, is it this way for everyone?-i suspect so, as no one really gets much done. But generally i don't think most people have much desire to be doing anything different, or greater with their lives, perhaps a protective mechanism of self-delusion "well i'm going to college, and everything will be just dandy when i get done…" and so on, and so forth. But i do it too, perhaps we all do it. so on this note: if life were longer, or if we were immortal would we be even more unproductive with our time to make up for the added potential our lives would have?-our would we actually be more productive, but less pushy and ruthless without the vise of time? On the same token how many emotions of the now are dictated by the unforeseen, yet inexorable end of life: would i still feel lonely if i didn't have this feeling of growing older alone, on the flip side: is it aging that makes relationships last? Would immortality make the world a sad and desolate void of relationships, or would it strengthen our species forcing us to look beyond the next few decades, and actually choose according to a promising future? Would it do both? It's interesting how the cumulation of technological advances makes our lives better, yet very few individual innovations could be universally agreed to. Take computers for instance, do they actually make life better, or just better for business, or for impersonal communication, better for sitting alone at 0300 playing videogames by one's self, etc. i wouldn't give up computers for the world, and yet have computers bettered my life, or just created an environment which allows me to excel. Excelling and actual betterment are two totally different things, one can excel in a job he/she hates, etc, etc. and it doesn't necessarily make his/her life any better. Computers, cars, TV, books, coal, steel, satellites, the gun, etc. have any of these inventions by themselves made the life better without substantial debate. Yet few would argue that the quality of life today in 2002 is less than that of 1902. and it's not just medicine, it's lifestyle, sanitation, dissemination of knowledge, intellectual curiosity, freedom from social roles, etc. it is technology which has brought all of this, and yet in and of itself technology does little to directly improve our lives as a whole, it doesn't make us intrinsically happy, nor does it satisfy the hungry fires burning deep behind our eyes. Ignorance may be bliss, but slavery is wrought of ignorance, and fools of bliss. So as the epochs have shown technology is but a tool, used for what whims the wielder may desire, for great freedom and enlightenment or oppression and slavery. Life like our tools is a pointless means without ends, and ignorance gives way to questions and realizations and an uneasy helplessness. But this is life where those who question will never rest and those who do not are blinded by wanton products, hallowed superstition, and adopted intolerance. Slavery comes in many forms, and the ignorant, undereducated, and idiotically content, though not bound in iron or steel, live as slaves nonetheless, unable to attain better lives through their inability to see past the walls of the spider's pantry which surround their stifled heads and muffled ears. Am i a slave or am i enlightened? Are we all slaves?
On a totally different, and final note: Halo 17 (Nine Inch Nails: And All That Could Have Been) was released yesterday (1.22.2), and is pretty damn awesome, haven't watched the DVDs yet, but the CDs are very decent, just like all the bootlegged Nails MP3's i have but a hell of a lot cleaner. It's disturbing that i relate to Trent so much, because he's so fucking depressed.
Have a prosperous day in slavery.
another day, i didn't have my 12-grain toast or peanut butter today, i purchased some cinnamon bread yesterday at Whoremongers (Hornbachers), so that was breakfast today, along with orange juice, instead of the stolen chai tea. Yup, things are looking up, or something.
So darthmullet is home now, he was in Minneapolis/SP for the past few days beating up windows or something for work, he went in this morning and got cut in like 2 hours, apparently he already has too many hours, so i'm not sure what that means for work tomorrow, we'll see i guess. Wish i already had 40-some hours from mon-wed, guess that's what happens when ya' don't go to school…
Other than all of these exciting bits of my life, not too much else is new, i need to get to the school more or less shortly so i'll try not to let myself delve into anything too time consuming, like, uh… complaining about shit. So bewitched called me last night, haven't talked to her forever, strangely enough it's the same day that i e mailed her and asked if she was still alive or what, but she didn't mention in the e in her message, so if she called in a vacuum, or because she wanted to offer me proof she wasn't dead, i don't know. I kind of suspect the vacuum hypothesis, interesting how it works sometimes. I guess darthmullet, messe, darthmullet's cousin, and some other people perhaps are considering going out tonight, additionally reddog is having a 'going away' drinking fest tonight at TGI Fridays, with, presumably, a bunch of people who drink a lot every night, whereas most people i hang out with drink a lot only once out of every 10 nights or so. Unfortunately/fortunately for me my 10 day average doesn't fall very well on tonight, so if i do go out it will be with darthmullet and company. I got shitty enough last Friday, holy fuck we got fucked up, and we weren't even intending to get drunk either…. anyway, i guess to surmise: SMEAT!, subgenious, tizmo, and i went out to eat last Friday in Minneapolis at a place downtown called 'Whities,' it was pretty good, we each had a beer (some of us had bier), on the way home we stopped at Gastov's and each had a shot (samvca for SMEAT!, subgenious and i, goldschlager (sp?) for tizmo), and then we all had a pint of bier. After this we were all fine and went home, except we just kept drinking, we probably got there at like 2330 or so, after half a triple(??) shot bulldog tizmo hit the hay (he's even more light weight than i), but subgenious SMEAT! and i kept drinking, subgenious and i both had another couple shots of samvca, a couple huge bulldogs and screwdrivers and, shit, i don't remember much of that night, except that mess came over at around midnight, and started drinking, and mess, SMEAT! and i ended up spooning until like 0500 when i got up to throw up, which mess ended up cleaning up (a 'skill' she 'learned' in college), then going and sleeping downstairs, and mess coming to check on me, and passing out next to me… i guess i got to sleep with someone this weekend, that's alright i guess. The next morning (well early afternoon i guess), the verdict: 1 liter of Stoli, a bunch of samvca, and whatever we had out of the house. Which is kind of odd because SMEAT!, tizmo and i drank a liter of Stoli on new-year's eve and didn't even come close to getting as wasted … kind of funny how that works. Of course we at Thai beforehand on new-year's which is like 92% grease (and 8% red pepper), at least mine was, so that might have had something to do with it…
So that is my huge insight for the morning: Thai food is greasy, if one's planning on drinking and wants to get a good bang for the buck without having to drink bacardi, or captain morgan, then don't eat thai before drinking.
You may now return to your boring life, as i'll return to mine…
'And All That Could Have Been' is still fucking awesome, if i was a girl i'd want to fuck trent reznor so bad (or if i was homosexual, or bisexual i suppose)… because i'm sure you were curious, but how can you listen to disk 2 of this release and not just feel horribly lonely, afraid, and alone, and willing to do anything to reach out for some kind of compassionate contact, and just wish someone could hold you in the dark forever? Maybe it's just me, but there's something very magical and mystical about his music…
boredom is such an intractable part of our lives that a proper greeting consists of the following:
idiot #1: 'hey what's happenin'?'
idiot #2: 'nadda.'
now if idiot #2 were to say something like 'well, i got done with work last night and ate some salmon marinated in a lemon-butter sauce with a hearty side of spicy couscous and a healthy garnish of broccoli greens' it'd be a stupid response. Today it seems 'cool' to be bored, or at least have a bored and/or boring outlook on life. An individual 'fits in' if when asked a question stares blankly into the distance with marijuana eyes, and after a long pause says: 'uh…..i don't, like, uh….. know, they didn't learn us that in school.' Apparently the inability to think is a trait which states you'll be fun to be with, you won't question when others are fucking with you, nor will you have the willpower or intuition to actually remove yourself from a harmful situation another has put you into. Yes, like smoking the social-butterfly comes out in everyone with blank doped expressions who stares stupidly at nothing as much as they stare at pretty women. All the long rehearsed 'uh…. Like, what?'s' standing in front of mirrors pulling greasy hemp hats farther over the eyes to tack on that added extra touch, pay off at social gatherings and late-night bush-beer gatherings. All one must do is 1) have parents who pay for everything, 2) have no purpose or direction in life, and 3) do lots of drugs (excluding caffeine). It's that easy!-i've just given you the magic formula for eternal happiness!-go get 'em tiger!
Ok, ok…. Renal quiz today, gotta' go learn shit so i 'know' it for the quiz, sucks that i'm up early today and have to study, i've been trying to get up before 8 all fucking week and have just lacked the willpower to do it, i'd really like to do quite a bit of writing, as it's January usually i do the most writing within a month's span from this date (either way), and really haven't done much of any.