start.o2.2oo2



*//tid242.launch
*//20020107.1016.launch
*//Scheides!.launch

it is 2.7.2 today, which means that sometime within the next 14 hours Scheides will be flying into the Minneapolis airport from Edenburgh (Scotland), hmm… is that how you spell it? anyway he's been there since last August, or immediately upon graduating from college, so it'll be mighty good to see him again. Unfortunately, being in Fargo i live 3 hours away, and will thus only get to see him on a limited basis as he will reside in tizmo's house and take ARN's room since he moved home to desolate South Dakota, for whatever reason. Anyway this weekend fri/sat or just sat-i dunno, but everyone's trekking to Fergus Falls to do some socializing at Scheides' parents' place there. i've got to work tomorrow night, so i'll probably roll into town around 2300 or so… but it's all good. i've really no idea who's going to be there, i talked to Andrea a few nights ago (she just got back from Ireland in January) and she thought she might show up. i had invited bewitched a few weeks ago when she, darthmullet, beth and i all made pizza, but haven't really heard her plans so far. I was also thinking of inviting dena8, but being that we don't ever talk anymore, and if we do it's because i call her, i'm not so sure that i'll even bother asking. Which brings me to a point in my own uncertainty: even though we were never really together, i miss her sometimes; the irony of everything being circular.

so the thought for today is actually a thought i've been sort of impacted by for the past few weeks, and it's been stewing inside my head. When i was in Minneapolis toward the end of January SMEAT!, Mess, tizmo, and i went to a Caribou Coffee in Brooklyn Center after spending money like whores on lots of shit, Brooklyn Center happens to be the closest civilization to where tizmo's house is, which is ironic, because tizmo's house is amongst like 7 billion others within eyesight, but we have to drive a few miles before we actually see anyone… ANYWAY we all ordered some caffeine and are sitting at a table drinking it, while we're sitting there talking, shooting the shit and getting unwound and less shopping-cranky this woman probably in her late 20's or early 30's walks in, asks for an application and sits down at the table next to us to fill it out. And suddenly something struck me: here we are lounging around having a coffee, thinking little or anything of it, in a building we will only be in for perhaps an hour, and this lady perhaps a decade older than any of us is filling out an application for Caribou Coffee slavery.

Mess is a primary education Teacher, SMEAT! is a networking wizard who has skills that will always be in high demand, works downtown for an inet startup, and is enlisted in the Army (very part time). and tizmo's on the latter half of his academia, probably still has a 4.0, is enlisted in the Navy Nuke program, works at the same inet startup as SMEAT!, and will be an officer when he's done with school, and i'll be able to move anywhere in the country and make a good living in less than 2 years. And our average ages are around 23, and already we have skills, educations, and abilities which are desirable and sought after. The days of applying for shit-jobs for shit-wages are long behind us, and none of us will ever go back to that place again, not ever. The value of intelligence is as incalculable as the cost of acquiring it. Those without thought or perspective will be destined to the masses, and never able to better their lives, while people such as ourselves are destined to leave the ignorant masses behind. Some people think one can buy intelligence at a fancy college or by watching the discovery channel, that it may be quantified by what we've done, where we've been, or what we own, that some piece of paper that says 'PhD' or 'Board Certified' or 'MD' is synonymous with intelligence, that if only they could have some sort of letter behind their names then they too could swim amongst the sharks. The truly intelligent know their own, and give no regard for letters, clothes, or money; a thought process cannot be ranked on a scale of 0-4, by how far east the decimal point lies on that paycheck stub, or by the weight of the plastic in one's wallet. A measure of a person does lies not in his bank account nor his apparel, but by conversation, realization of self-worth, SMP, bandwidth, empathy, reasoning, extrapolation, interpretation, etc. Without higher level cognitive function one cannot be intelligent. One can only *train* thought, he/she cannot *teach* it nor learn it, but only nurture what is already innate. Maybe this woman knew this as she filled out her application, that the brain-fairy neglected to shed its magic on her family, that higher places would remain forever out of reach, and her eyes would forever be filled with struggle and relative poverty. Perhaps she even wondered where the 4 kids 5 feet away worked, and whether any of them had ever worked in a coffee shop, and where they made the money to buy their new clothes, 20-dollar bag of tea leaves, and 4 fat latte's. Perhaps she even realized the point she was missing by trying to judge the kids by quantifiable measurements. Or perhaps these thoughts didn't even cross her mind as she filled out her application with her nervous and shaky penmanship, and waited outside in the cold for a ride home.

WELCOME HOME SCHEIDES!

*//scheides.end
*//20020207.1144.end
*//tid242.end

*//tid242.launch
*//20020212.0753launch
*//nameless.launch

well well. It's Tuesday, Tuesdays are generally pretty boring and today has started as nothing of an exception. Wake up late, lie around, take a shower, sit around, and otherwise be more or less lazy.

This past week was also pretty much eventless, although this past weekend we all celebrated Scheides' return at his parents' place in Fergus Falls, which was alright, pretty much everyone was there: reddog, SMEAT!, Mess, tizmo, fantabulous_fun, Tdog, darthmullet, Beth, subgenious, Babs (subgenious's GF), UAIOE, Anne, a bunch of funny rellies, and myself. No one really did much drinking, which was really cool, especially given the fact that i wasn't feeling 100%, and slept like 16 hours the next day… hmmm… life's a bitch. We're all getting together in Minneapolis this weekend as well, i have a distinct feeling more drinking will take place this time around, oh-which reminds me: i'll be going to Minneapolis this weekend (a 3-day!) as will darthmullet, which will be a first. Should be cool. actually i was thinking about asking dena8 if she would want to come with, and i'd pay her back that dinner i owe her at Pings but 1) i'm not sure that she would want to (i suspect probably not) and 2) i'm already obligated to hang out with a zillion other people down there and it wouldn't really be fair to invite someone along and then not spend all that much time with him/her. So maybe next time. which leads me to the thought of the day:

What is innate of interpersonal realationships which can encourage a cyclical system of abuse? i mean i look at the relationship dena8 and i have had over the past 4 or 5 years and it's always been me being a dick, us not talking, me re-initiating contact, then being a dick again. But i'm not really like that: i've been told by many different people on many different occasions that i'm the strongest person they've ever known, have more integrity than anyone they know, am the nicest, etc. etc. but if i were in dena8's shoes i'd consider myself a piece of shit. Is it her passive manner which encourages me to tromp on her? Or is she the only one that sees, by her very limited contact with me, what dozens of others have failed to see? It makes me feel pretty white-trash-eesh to have, or have had this kind of relationship with someone, and yet is this the exact reason why it will continue, or has continued to go on? Out of guilt do i try to salvage something which is already doomed to tracks trod before? Perhaps this situation is the result of the disparity of knowledge regarding aspects about one another, maybe it's just a personality clash, who knows. i've never had a relationship with anyone which has tabled me as such a jerk, and i think i'm still trying to work out the reason why. Maybe it's e mail, seriously…

a continuation of thought:
e mail, a gift or a curse? Saint or sinner? A product of the light, or agent of the dark? Long have i argued that e mail is grand and it's superior to comparable yet never-done means of communication. True e mail allows one to easily communicate with people he/she might not otherwise communicate with at all and this is good, but i have found in my personal life that e mail has taken the place of traditional modes of communication with people i know, such as talking, even though phone calls are free, we both have enough time, and we live only a few miles from one another. This compounded with the fact that e mail makes me frighteningly bold and assertive has allowed itself to become a tool for furthering my own introverted intrapersonality while stunting any sort of wholesome interpersonality. When i write an e mail i usually don't even feel like i'm writing to whomever, more of a feeling of writing to myself, in this medium strange things are allowed to be said to people i would otherwise probably never even talk to in the first place. This all and all does little to build much of a foundation for any sort of real relationship i might have with said person and leads to dead-ends, ends being pushed further and further into the future by each consecutive e mail sent. I look at the relationships i've had, and everything wholesome has been derived from a foundation of e-mail-less-ness (SMEAT!, Scheides, darthmullet, et al.) sure we all use e mail, and e each other, but our relationship did not start out on an electronic basis. Contrast this to relationships built predominantly on e mail; fuck, i can't even think of more than a couple as they've all floundered so badly without any sort of physical or emotional core of understanding to tie ideas into a person. E mail is like a single-channel-medium for communication: that channel?-ideas. And through this medium i can let loose a hundred million ideas at the activation of a JavaScript button, i become not a person, but a fountain of ideas and viewpoints, some of them hateful, nihilistic, altruistic, atheistic, whimsical, fallible, plagiarized, etc, etc. one cannot be a person simply by virtue of ideas alone, obviously an individual's thought process and conclusions he/she has come to are important in defining who that person is, but cannot wholly in and of themselves define the breadth of individuality nor character. And so e mail becomes by its own impersonal nature a subconscious symbol representing untruely the impersonal nature of he or she you're communication with creating an artificial barrier to genuine communication not only by its self-created ease of avoiding non-e-mail communications, but also by creating a perceived harshness or impersonality in its sender. It is sometimes said that we take on the form of that which we create or touch, and in this sense we are becoming nothing more than photons flying through fibre and signal boosters, electrons pushing through copper, and packets bearing ip, hardware, and port addresses. It is also said that creations take the form of their makers, so perhaps we have always been introverted and cold, just without a proper means to express it while still being able to function and/or survive. Technology has always been a tool of freedom, not altruistically, but fundamentally the bounds of limitation loosen and fall giving way to the strength of technology whether to better lives or oppress minds. In the end will technology prove to be our freedom to be enlightened, freedom to fail, or ultimately the failure of freedom?

additional .nfo:
SMEAT! and Mess are together, i'm not sure if i've ever actually mentioned that before, and i'm not sure if it's easily ascertained by previous entries, maybe if i ever get a 'people' part of the light up and running one would be able to just go there and see it, but being that i'm lazy and haven't gotten any of that done yet we'll just have to settle for rummaging through thousands of words for bits of semi-useful yet mostly useless information.

it was interesting seeing reddog again, he had just moved into signal15's house in the 'burbs north of Minneapolis just a couple of weeks or so ago from Fargo. Although we lived in the same town we hardly ever saw each other and Scheides' party was really the first time i'd hung out with him in, well, i don't know, a long while. It's always bothered me a bit that he did so poorly in school, the man is, and always has been, gifted in so many ways, especially with art and designing-type stuff (generally the kind of stuff i really, really suck at) so it would have been really gratifying for us all if he would have or could have just done something with his gift. When something is innate it's easy to overlook and undervalue, i think i oft undervalue the ability to reason, to think, and to more or less impartially judge thyself, many people would claim to give anything have my bandwidth, cache and clockcycles, though they know not that this would not make them a better person. Many people would want Michael Jordan's lopsided Spearman's G with the same fallible assumption, but to him, since he has it, being the best isn't as important as the fun involved in playing the game. For reddog his talent could invoke woes of desire and despair in lesser men (including me) but it's his gift, so i doubt that he could know what it must be like to covet it. additionally i cannot feel but a little like he misses the past more than he desires the future, whether this is true or not i am unsure, but if so i must convey my admonition of danger this can pose to an individual. It's difficult to better oneself if he/she feels his/her future accomplishments cannot surmount those done before. Logically, and albeit a bit hopelessly, one can never ultimately better oneself at all if a life's view of steady decline is beheld to the mind's eye. This is what i feel when i see him, whether it be some sort of mirror reflecting back to me my longest friendship in years of decline, or my own perspective on contrast between the two of us as we grow apart i cannot say. Maybe one more removed from the situation could shed a more pure light on the issue. But being that these are my ramblings, they're bound to be tainted.

i've got to get to school.

*//title.end
*//20020212.0943.end
*//tid242.end

*//tid242.launch
*//20020222.1100.launch
*//panacea_of_lonliness.launch

so we went to Bennie's last night, darthmullet and i, beth (her 21st b-day was on like the 20th or something) joined later, didn't do anything even remotely crazy. So there's this restaurant that just opened a few months ago in Fargo called Granite City. Apparently their intent is to run everyone (everyone = Friday's, bennies, chilis, applebees, et al.) out of business, this is what they told their wait staff anyway. What a fucking asinine thing to tell your staff, which is 85% of the reason i refuse to spend my money there, the 15% of the reason is that their food sucks (i mean honestly, who the hell puts cold lettuce on a quesadilla?), they have no drink specials at a normal time, and their shit is expensive; anyway we had to go there to meet beth (from bennies) but then we decided to go back there and not stay at GC, because we dislike things that suck…

the Olympic female single skating was on last night, Sarah Hughes performed beautifully and won the gold, and the other 2 americans who were vying for the gold god a bronze (kwan) or didn't place (Cohen), because they both fell down. I seldom see anything on TV that i fell at all emotionally tied to, but i felt really happy that Hughes got the gold, maybe because she reminds me a little of someone i know…

last Wednesday (feb. 13) SMEAT!, scheides, darthmullet, reddog, jesse and i went to the playmaker's pavilion here in Fargo and saw a Gravity Kills concert, it was way fucking cool. 'Superstarved' will be released in less than 1 month, i'm pretty pumped. They were touring with sevendust, whose performance we did not stay for but instead wreaked havoc at the adjacent bar. What a fucking skanky place, only at the OB have i seen more disgusting diseases skinned in leather and lace flaunting my darkest secrets to me as i gaze in lurid fascination and timid interest. That and there were tons of mullets all over the place, i swear the parking lot must have been 60% camaros, and 45% thunderbirds, how does this equal more than 100%?-there was just that much testosterone-driven mullitude. They had these vending machines for cigarettes which we were all standing around talking, and this chic puts in her 4 bucks to get a pack of smokes, and it gets stuck, so there she stands like a 2 year old staring at a pack of skittles tempting her by their feeble grasp on the release mechanism, hanging precariously above the drop-box. Seeing her dismay jesse and darthmullet turn around, face the machine, and say 'stand back' in rather manly unmullet voices, and they shake the machine in violent and enormous throes like a pair of silverbacks vying for dominance by shaking a tree the most violently. After the 800 lb. Machine had been banged around like a Coca-Cola can duct-taped to the end of a jackhammer all of these packs of cigarettes had fallen out of their places, there must have been 10 packs of cigs sitting in the drop-box, so the chic took 2 or 3, reddog took 1, we gave a bunch away, and one is still in my freezer (i generally do not smoke, i think i may have had about 1.5 cigarettes in the past year as i only smoke biannually, which incidentely happens to be the same time i drink heavily with scheides, i'm not sure the exact reason for this). So now the next 9 mullets who tried to purchase smokes there probably got screwed out of 4 bucks that could have gone to catching up on their late Trans-Am payments. Ignorance kills.

the interesting part of the playmakers bar that night was that they had some rodeo-type-thing set up where there was this mechanical hydrolic device planted to the floor, which was supposed to resemble a bull. There was then a huge ring of mats around the device so that when drunk mullets got thrown from the machine they wouldn't break anything too important in their drunken stupor. Of course for this 'event' they had an announcer who would say cleaver things when the various contestants either did extremely awesome (ie. didn't fall off) or fell off (ie. Fell off) things, not that 'extremely awesome' really meant that people did anything worthy of being labeled 'awesome' but perhaps special in their own redneck element. As it was we happened to be standing behind the announcer while we gazed in disgusted half-interest trying to figure out what the hell was going on (which we later determined to be a bunch of bored people killing time because they had nothing better to do than stand around a bull-machine throwing drunk people onto the floor)… the various 'bull-riders' were normal schmoes, who apparently filled out sign-up sheets, and then got to ride the 'bull' after the announcer read his/her name. We watched for a while wondering whether we should stay in the hopes that someone got hurt and we would get to witness it, or if we should duck out and head back to Bennies where they serve real beer and the mullet to normal ratio is much less, when the announcer interrupted our thoughts. 'Lance…er…. I'm having trouble reading your last name Lance…" "Goodthrust!" jesse hollered. "is it?-GoodThrust?" the announcer answered. "Yea, Lance Good Thrust!" jesse responded. "Lance Goodthrust, Lance Goodthrust" the announcers voice crackled through the poorly configured speakers, echoing across the poorly acoustic room. Some people got it and laughed, most people were just too drunk and/or white to notice. "that's not my name!" answered some kid with tight jeans, a button-up shirt and a football cap, eyeing us hatefully…. We took this as our que to get the fuck outta' there, as we didn't want to confront an angry mullet in his own element after he got thrown off the bull machine… on the way out we noticed that the lead singer and drummer (no Doug though) from Gravity Kills were standing around by the door (by themselves no less) soaking up the redneck atmosphere… so we talked with them for a while, told 'em we liked the show, and that they kicked-ass etc. and took off for Bennies, where everyone but me drank a lot (i drove). darthmullet was actually not supposed to go but UAIOE got stuck out in BFE bismark or something so darthmullet got his tick, ever since that day darthmullet's a huge GK whore. Which of course, is cool.

Friday feb 15, Renal Test.
So i got up at about 8, studied for about 4 hours, took the test, packed my bags, and drove to Minneapolis. Now darthmullet was also supposed to leave on Friday, but since Thursday was valentine's day, and he didn't spend it with beth he spent Friday with her instead, which sucked IMHO, because he should have been at Gastofs with us instead… but anyway so yea, Friday scheides, Anna (someone from FF), Katie (fantabulous_fun's GF, he 'had a little bird, his name was enza, opened the window, in-flu-enza' at the time), SMEAT!, reddog, and i went to Gastof's, which was pretty awesome as usual, everyone danced to crazy polka shit but reddog and i and basically spend the night drinking and hanging out.

Saturday feb 16 the day
I guess i don't have much to say about scheides' get back to the usa party but it was pretty cool, UAIOE, anne, darthmullet, scheides, andrea, SMEAT!, Mess, tizmo, reddog, subgenious, anna, and myself all ate supper at Bangcock Thai in dinkytown, then rolled back to tizmo's house where scheides is now living (with SMEAT! and subgenious), we purchased a lot of alcohol earlier in the day when we also went out and purchased monopoly through DVD consumption and looked for 'And All That Could Have Been' in its 2CD form, which it turns out was a limited 5k run, unfortunately for SMEAT! who still does not have one… anyway we started making a bunch of drinks, at around 8 or so, and all these Olaf people started showing up, i've never seen 99% of them (well, ok: 100% of them). I proceeded to get amazingly shit-face-wasted, and only vaguely remember much of the night apart from: jumping on a lot of people's backs; SMEAT! and i wrestling around and breaking a wall; smoking cigarettes and putting them out with my feet with reddog and some girl (who later ended up fucking some guy in darthmullet's sleeping back in scheides' room, or at least making out with him a lot…) which i think may have contributed to the fact that i was really damn wild and usually am not (nicotine); talking to scheides' cousin's friend/GF about how she shouldn't marry someone who doesn't make as much money as she does (i have no recollection of how much earning potential she has…); and eventually going to sleep with andrea in the basement. You know it was really strange seeing her again, i don't believe i've even talked to her in almost a year. She went to Ireland for about half a year or so, dropped out of Hamline (because it sucks) and is currently just killing time and applying to Madison (wisconsin). It was nice to talk to her again, strangely enough i'm still somewhat attracted to her, which seems odd, but perhaps that's natural being that she was my first girlfriend way back when… i don't think i'd ever go out with her again, or even date her, well maybe i would if she asked… hmmm… who knows… life's funny like that.

so i had the most fucking strange dream last night that i have to transcribe before i forget. My old ex-roomie, Brian (1997/1998), tizmo and i were going to go to a movie someplace in some mall, when we got there the person working there said the movie was in wilston (ND) which is like 8 hours away from any civilization, close to the Montana border, so we decided to walk there (it's a bit longer than 8 hours walking i'd imagine). On the way this trucker pulls over and picks us up, and for some reason it was tizmo and choirgirl31 that got into the truck with me (i couldn't say what happened to brian), tizmo sat in front and choirgirl31 and i sat in the back, and eventually drifted off to sleep together… i remember owning a fossilized piece of bone that was apparently worth a lot, although i have no idea why. And tizmo was disturbed that i slept with choirgirl31, because apparently he liked her or something, but so did i. And for some reason to be with her i had to give up this fossil. I remember contemplating this decision as i held the fossil in my hand while choirgirl31 slept in an adjacent room (that looked just like the back of a semi truck) and asking someone who wasn't present, perhaps some god, or myself, or someone that i knew could hear me close by: 'what's worth more, a pound of flesh or a pound of gold?' i don't believe i ever made the decision consciously but when i awoke it was next to choirgirl31 in a totally different surrounding, like a large room of some kind, with various people off in the distance. Choirgirl31 woke up and was going to get up and i said 'hold on, i really want to talk to you about something,' she replied: 'i think you like me a lot more than i like you…' at this i said 'i guess that settles what it was i wanted to tell you, but i'd just want to say that i'm sorry for being so introverted and self-centered when we were seeing each other…' and at that she got up and left. After a while i got up and went outside to find her, and it was some sort of gathering of people, like parent's day at summer camp, or International day at the Concordia language village gatherings, for some reason my wristwatch acted as a compos/GPS locater to find my parents. While i looked for them i wondered to myself why choirgirl31 would sleep with me if she didn't like me, and i still had the feeling of loss, not only that she had betrayed me, but that i had given up something important to be with her, was it my friendship with tizmo, or the fossil, i had no recollection of what i'd forsaken to be with her, but i knew it was something important to me. Thinking of this i found my father, and standing next to him was my mother; "hi sweetie." She said, like she always did when she was still alive. i hugged her and made her say those words over and over again "hi sweetie, hey kiddo, etc" over and over, and i cried. Then i woke up on the brink of tears for about 10 seconds until the mask of distance and alienation again returned to my grasp, control was regained, and i got up out of bed unmoved and untouchable to start my day. Even though i was awake the getting out of bed seemed such a part of the dream it's strange.

it says a lot about me and what i feel, my priorities, and all of the things i perhaps should have dealt with differently. I'd analyze but i've got to go to school.

damn the man.

*//panacea_of_lonliness.end
*//20020222.1233.end
*//tid242.end

*//tid242.launch
*//20020222.1600.launch
*//panacea_of_lonliness_part_ii.launch

the analysis:

Brian and tizmo perhaps represent the mundane day of commune with people that i am not horribly emotionally attached to, or perhaps brian represents a lost member of my virtual family while tizmo represents my current life and circle of friends/interests. Adrift and at sea the truck driver is a messenger of society and appears to help us on our way, but then we never reach our destination so often as society/rules/the_norm pulls people from their dreams. As soon as the trucker intervenes brian, my one-time roomie/acquaintence and therefore family of sorts, disappears, just as his academic plans have changed in real life and a future of promise has given way to one of uncertainty. Brian (ex family?) was replaced by choirgirl31, perhaps similar to her replacement of my mother after she passed away (on certain limited levels of course). In my dream i was obviously still attached emotionally to choirgirl31, perhaps as i still may be in real life. A man's ambition, and potential futures may be so easily shaped by the whims of a female. The 'pound of gold or a pound of flesh' question's outcome was undoubtably answered by the fact that everything disappeared except choirgirl31 in the next part of the dream. Also it is telling that tizmo disappears, not only does he probably represent my friends and my life in this dream, but also that i would betray his feelings (because he liked choirgirl31 in the dream) for my own. So i choose the avenue of my future based upon the assumption that choirgirl31 will be there, but obviously this was a flawed assumption as she leaves me, and i am truly alone. Whatever the value of the fossil, and it's representation of my possible future greatness, it is gone, forsaken in a much earlier and unreachable part of the dream. I sit a while alone, which seems a normal reaction to being rejected by a life i'd planned, before venturing into the outside, driven by my desire to relive the past, or perhaps by the emptiness on the inside of the house/myself. Once outside it is my watch that guides me, just as time guides all things, and determines all outcomes. There's something magical about the river of time, and the idea of temporal likeness. 2 things happen in the same place, but at different times, the second only resembles the first. I do not find choirgirl31, if i were her i would not take me back… but the symbol of time leads me back to my childhood, does this mean that i follow the footsteps of my father to re-embrace my mother?-also it tells me that subconsciously i haven't accepted the fact that she's gone, and deep down inside sometimes i still feel like i can see her again someday. By finding her i abandon the search for choirgirl31, so was it even choirgirl31 that i was looking for or was she representing something else? There are a lot deeper ramifications of this dream too, but i don't think i'll delve into them now… deep down inside i know i would abandon this life and everyone in it for someone i really cared about, for someone i could love. i don't know that it would be choirgirl31, but i don't really care much about anyone else, so this is perhaps why it was her in the dream. Anyway there're still some connections i'm trying to work out about the details… guess that's about all i have for now. I have to work soon. Damn the man.

so today darthmullet can only talk about Minneapolis and how cool it would be to live there and how much Fargo sucks. At last he sees why i've been going to Minneapolis every 2-3 weeks for the past year or so. I really would like some Thai food, too bad there's none to be found in Fargo. I think i may go out running either this weekend, or early next week, it's been way fucking warm all winter and i should be taking advantage of it. i've also noticed some changes in my eating habits (like i'm eating a lot more) i'm not sure if this is because i'm bored 99% of the time (horribly), or if there's something emotional i need to work out, or what. But it usually feels good to feel like i'm running away from something, sort of like driving fast, it lets you feel like you're getting the fuck away from your life and it's all being left behind, except the mazda doesn't go fast, and i don't need any more tickets. Damn the man.

*//tid242.end
*//20020222.1638.end
*//panacea_of_lonliness_part_ii.end

*//tid242.launch
*//20020223.0808.launch
*//title!.launch

so it's befitting that i mentioned darthmullet's recent infatuation with Minneapolis and not having to live in fucking Fargo as he and beth impulsively drove there yesterday. I would be there too if i didn't have to work, but i suppose one cannot have fun all the time. man my next paycheck from work is going to absolutely suck, i think i couldn't have gotten more than about 25 hours in that two week span, which is a really sucky thing to luck forward to. A few weeks ago i got overtime, now i've got nothing, guess that's the way it works…hope he's eating lots of Thai food, that wimpy Norwegian-food-nibbler needs to permanently deplete about 90% of the substance P from his taste buds so he can keep up with SMEAT! and i, actually he'd probably need to rm more like 98% to keep up with us, but 90% to achieve man-hood. He always says 'oh yea, i'm gonna start eating hot foods and build up a tolerance…' but he'll take one bite of something that doesn't even have any neurotoxins in it and say 'wow, that's just too hot, it hurts too much to eat it.' he's the kind of man that would cry if a dominatrix put some reds on his wanger…

so i'd mentioned being hungry all the time, i had a really annoying cough too, which seemed like a mycoplasma, or fungal infection or something, i ate a shitload of eggs and cheese last night, and it seems like the cough is gone today, and i'm really not hungry at all right now, pretty strange if you ask me, so either my PCP infection has progressed to cachexia or i'm cured…. Sure hope it's the latter.

I really need to do some laundry and vacuum and clean the sink in my bathroom today, now that's something to look forward to after work, more work without getting paid, sweet. It just sucks using a dirty counter/sink and having dirty clothes strewn all around my bathroom floor (they will no longer fit in my hamper-thinggie) and sleeping in sheets that haven't been washed in a month or so… i guess i could just change the sheets and wash the ones on there later, but then i don't know where i'd put the dirty sheets… i'm white trash i know…

I think i'm going to send out an e mail today requesting brief autobiographies of almost everyone i mention in the light so it's easier for everyone to keep track of who the hell everyone else is, i guess it's more for completeness than anything, and a possible avenue for offshootings from this page, and just to get everyone thinking more about writing, analyzing, and being more interested in doing some .html pseudocoding. Plus i'd be really interested to see what everyone says about themselves and perhaps *ghasp, about me.* i'll also send out a request for pseudonym updates as i'd hate to get it wrong, and i hate using peoples' 'real' names.

so in light of my fuckidy dream i e mailed choirgirl31 yesterday from work, i should also e mail tizmo and see how things are with his life too (even though i see him like every other week).

so subgenious was going to go and join the Navy and get a bunch of sign-on bribes, wonder how that's going, he was going to buy a car, i think he said something about WRX…sweet….. although it doesn't make much sense for someone who doesn't have a 'real job' and lacks independent wealth to spend 30k on a car (24k base, 4k wheels/tyres (yes i'm trying to be more English), 2k in stupid fucking fees and shit). But we'll see i suppose, i would think he'd be well off to get a used A4 or something of the sort.
Oh! Speaking of cars Mess, scheides, SMEAT! and i went on Monday to some suburb of Minneapolis to this VW/Toyota dealership as she's going to get a GTI (1.8t), and they were going to find her the one she wanted, so i wonder if they've located one yet. The GTI we sat in at the dealership was pretty tight, and it didn't have half the options Mess' opting for, so it should be way sweet.
Scheides has also been complaining a lot about his car and just wanting a new one, he has this 1990 mx-6 that really sucks ass, he's looking for a Corrado SLC, but there's not many of 'em around, so they're relatively pricey, especially when one doesn't have a job. Like me his undying passion lies in the automobile, it's amazing how beautiful machines can excite the same touch-love centers in the brain reserved only for driving reproduction. I sometimes wonder if there's some kind of flaw in the limbic system of people that are car-nuts, it's a displaced and dominating desire, which, like the desire to reproduce, seems to push all else aside: money, people, home ownership, etc. for an unbridled passion for something that serves no useful purpose in life. People will live in rented space, laundering clothes for quarters, and otherwise live in squalar, while owning 7 garage stalls filled with vintage 911s, an NSX, and Ferrari magazines, the man that has forsaken his future, much like those whom get suckered into settling with a wife and kids while having nothing else to stand on, is he driven by a passion that does not quantifiably better his life.

i think i should also mention that i think digital clocks/watches are disgustingly gaudy… i need to get a non-digital alarm clock. I also want to get a huge grandfather clock that tick, tick, ticks with a deep and powerful resonance, sending precise waves of resounding reassurance into every niche of my residence, a beating heart of unchanging, unbreaking solidarity into the center of my home. A lull of comfort and certainty. I would love to hear that 'chink, chink, chink' in the background right now as i drink my Earl Grey, and pluck away at the latex-embedded pen of the modern day. I would even turn off Skold to hear it.

speaking of which: i purchased a Skold disc for 3 bucks @ cheapo disks in dinkytown, it's way cool, kind of interesting as it's in the same era as 'The Downward Spiral' and 'Antichrist Superstar' (1996), as it has much of the same refined nature, but it also seems a lot more gutteral, i can see why Sacha wanted Skold for KMFDM so badly.

KMFDM, ATTAK on March 22!-start saving your money kiddies, my piggy-banks already toping $15 in I-owe-Yous. Listening to KMFDM makes me want to drive German cars really fast, rammstein makes me want to break American cars, NIN and Manson have more of a Japanese-car feel to them, U2 makes me want to ride a bike, and most of the music out there makes me feel like i'm sitting in a fucking Hyundai

i have no idea where that all came from, but i've got to get to work.

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today is the 24 of February , or 24.2. what a cool date.
ok, so i'm at a bit of a loss regarding something: today i ate supper at Lugi's, which is a locally-owned Italian restaurant, generally i eat there prior to 1600 as the lunch items are about half the size and price of the dinner portions which are generally too much to eat anyway. But tonight i rolled in there at about 1930 or so, and i ordered the Florentine-stuffed shells for $11, i expected to have a larger serving than the same dish on the lunch menu for $6, but it was the exact same dish (except it came with a cup of soup i guess) for almost 2X the price. Something eludes me. Although the glass of Chianti i had actually tasted fresh, instead of old and overly-oxidized, so that made up for it a little, but still, doesn't one generally expect more when he/she pays more… no wonder they wouldn't let me order off the lunch menu during supper-time when i was in there a month or so ago…

so today after work i'm going to go out to a movie and dinner probably with Kellie, i think we're going to see 'a beautiful mind' as pbs said it was really good, then i'm not sure where we're eating, not at Lugi's i'm thinking… perhaps at Jauno's, which is a kick-ass Mexican joint down town, we'll see where Kellie wants to go.
speaking of pbs & 'a beautiful mind:' apparently his priest/minister/something told his congregation that they needed to have dedication, devotion and whatnot following christ throughout their entire lives, and if they wanted to see a good example of commitment and dedication they should watch 'a beautiful mind' and take note of the main character's wife. Now does this strike you as a bit, well, maybe 'diluted' is a good word for it. leadership is via example, ie. Real life, i find it doubtful that anyone could be truly motivated for a lifetime by an example (even an illistration) set forth by some feeble Hollywood production. I mean here's a product designed for one purpose: to make a bunch of Hollywood people more money, and here's a religious leader encouraging their antics, the picture seems a bit flawed to me, and more or less laments my long-standing ideation of capitalism and American religion going hand-in-hand, on the interpersonal road to some hardcore and lustful fucking…i guess it's not really a huge deal or anything, but i always have the sneaking suspicion that the reason people who know i'm 100% atheist bring up god/jesus, is precisely because i am an atheist and they somehow need to share their perspective. Some people i just expect it from (mostly the kind of people i stay the hell away from), and some people i do not, pbs falls into the latter category, i'm not sure if he meant anything by it, but no one's ever going to make me believe something totally unfoundable, illogical, and generally unreasonable by sharing anecdotal details of the facets of the creed they follow. I am dubious of commercialism and i am skeptical of religion, i analyze the two in almost the exact same fashion, why?-because religion is commercialized, and commercialism is a religion.

other than that i guess i don't have anything too exciting to say, apparently some 16-year old kid drove his car off the road, and into reddog's car as it sat parked in his driveway either yesterday or the day before. Crazy, good thing the kid's parents have insurance…

personal note:
current failings of interpersonal communication: JR, dena8, and probably some other people that i can't remember right now. I write/call, no one responds, am i really that undesirable to talk to? Is the main reason i want to talk to them because they don't respond?-sometimes i think it is. What would i have to say to any of the aforementioned should i talk to them?-i don't know, i have nothing important to say. What would be the nature of communication?-it would be innate of nothing, and utterly pointless. So why do i seek avenues of expression?- you see the questions, like the logic becomes circular, and still i can only seem to want that which is beyond my reach.

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yesterday after work kellie took me to Jauno's downtown for supper, man that place is pretty unique. Some of the locally-owned businesses around here are alright, even if they are in Fargo. I always kind of feel bad for all these 'small guys' that have nice joints, because no one's ever there and the places are really cool. take Jauno's for example, there were only 4 people in the entire restaurant (it probably seats around 80) on a Sunday night. I just know fucking Perkins on 13 th ave is just packed at that time and Jauno's is 100X better than that shithole. The gift of freedom of thought has such backwards consequences in that we, as a society, can't ever seem to choose the obviously superior choice. I'm not so much talking about where we eat, but just society in general makes such poor choices regarding important issues: military spending, pollution, aiding our starving brethren, etc. of the 7 assumptions of economics that idea that the public makes logical and informed choices is by far the most ludicrous to behold. In this past year's round of nobel prizes the nobel for economics went to a couple of guys who studied the ways by which information influences the decisions of the individual consumer (the example of selling a car was used: if the buyer and seller were to know everything about the car they would make an informed decision on the purchase/price accordingly, however usually there is a disparity of information between the buyer and seller, and as such the economics of the transaction will shift accordingly, as they do when people value things differently), anyway it is fair to say that the individual consumer does not have a firm informational grasp and therefore is unable to make informed or logical choices in respect to even the most mundane aspects of living.

it's unfortunate the undeniable level of guilt-by-association built into social creed, i always say 'damn the man,' but you know what? I'm the man, and you're the man, and everyone i see driving an automobile, buying groceries, or reading a magazine are also 'the man.' If one's not actively denying the system by which we live he/she is guilty of support via inaction, and guilty by association. This has long been a facet of my place in society which has disturbed me, and the assumption of 'fitting in' placed upon us by our peers serves as wings both broken and disguised. Birds of a feather love their own, yet have no way to determine whom their own may be other than by surveying their flock, this is where the assumptions aid the likes of i. It is always assumed i believe in the Christian god, have no quarrel with popular opinion, and follow the watered down dream of marriage, children, and a 3xCABG by the age of 50. The fallacy of others becomes my camouflage, and a mind that doesn't ever seem to belong is carried through the rows of daisies by a mirrored body showing the onlookers their own thoughts, their own assumptions, and their own creed. It is so easy to go unnoticed amongst the masses, and climb to the top unseen, how easy it is to just be boring and slip by. Yet impossible is the high road to the end; even in hate separation from 'the man' is an impossible feat and therefore a life of nihilism becomes one of balance between catering, abstinence, catering to abstinence and abstaining from catering. The culture of the "anti's" is as deep as it may be subtle, with hidden flags sewn into apparel, action, and expression alike. The population, albeit sparsely, is adorned with KMFDM T's, name-brand clothes with the brand-tags torn off, and expressions of scorn at the sight of TVs, and the poor & impoverished sustaining their pseudolives by its glow. Silently an entire family of people do not shop at Wal-Mart, nor eat at Perkins, an entire legion who donate to the EFF, squander their right to vote, and do not go to church, not because they are hypocrites, but because the exact opposite is true. My greatest fear is that i am not one of these people, for if one's not a mind he/she's a daisy, and in my life there exists no greater peril.

darthmullet purchased me a poster this past weekend with a big-ass picture of Einstein above one of his own quotes saying:

"Great Spirits Have Always Encountered Violent Opposition From Mediocre Minds."

way fucking cool if you ask me, now i've got to go purchase a frame from 'the man.'

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normally on a Monday night i have a class from 1830-2130, but apparently tonight was an exception. Of course i did not realize this until i was at school today at about 1600 in the computer lab killing my time. So an otherwise potentious day becomes unproductive. I'm plugging away at the formerly enormous heap of laundry in the bathroom, and it has since become a small pile which actually fits into 1 laundry basket as i wait for darthmullet to get home from a brief choral performance at NDSU, UAIOE, darthmullet, jesse and i are going to hit Bennigans at 2100 for 2-for-1 burgers, for which i'm starved, Superstarved. I've really not eaten anything since breakfast today (which happened to be at around 1100, being that i'm lazy) and i shall soon be rewarded. Plus Monday's are fucking awesome to go out on because no one else does, there's something inherently awesome about being 1 of 5 people in an establishment made for 50.

the reason we did not have class tonight as usual was because we've been broken into 4-person groups to work on sort of a thesis project (except that it would be a horribly poor and sorry excuse for a thesis, so perhaps 'final project' would be a better descriptor) for a class on pharmacy management, and are supposed to be working on it today instead of listening to drawn-out lectures. Due to the fact that there is a 1 person shortage of having a class size divisible by 4 and having an actual integer left over, our group has but 3 members. Now this is totally cool as we really didn't want anyone else fucking with our shit, but apparently this may not be the case. a group of 3.5 of our classmates (3 people in our class and 1 a year below (only counts as 0.5)) had some problems with one of their lithium-deprived members, whom stormed out rather rotwiler (sp?) skull-pressing-on-the-brain style. This should have nothing to do with our content triad of partners, but apparently Dori (the one in need of a mood stabilizer) decided that she would 'join' our group. I don't believe that she talked to any of us before she decided this, but rather made the decision, then started twisting our nipples purple with her unrelenting borderline personality incessantness. I've already talked to the 'spokesperson' of the remaining 2.5 members of Dori's ex-group and he said that they'd take Dori's shit (ie take her back) if she wanted, and it would be fine with them if we rejected her. But i don't think rejection is what princess pressure has in mind. We told her we'd have a definitive answer for her tomorrow, so we'll see. I don't know that any of us really give a shit if we're the black-winged angels fallen from her pedestal of pretense, but when it's stripped down to the wire, generally we're not jerks, nor are we interested in making enemies, no matter their …

20020225.2340
ok, so there was a little break there for a Bennies excursion… UAIOE, and jesse were fine, darthmullet was/is getting all sick now for whatever reason, he went to bed and thinks he'll be too sick to work tomorrow, rather odd if you ask me, but he's seemed to be a lot more prone to being sick lately, maybe he's been hanging out with beth a little too much, it's long been my contention that females are hazardous to the health.

speaking of females, i can tell i've had a beer or two in me as i've been feeling the need to call people these past few minutes, forgetting the fact that generally every woman i know has been sleeping for quite a while by this time of night, which is strange because i only know a couple of guys who'd usually be sleeping right now, do i just happen to know a improper representation of either of the sexes or do women sleep more than males, and why? Why also do i feel inclined to call and talk to people after i've had some alcohol, is it because it's the alcohol (25 whole ounces, yes, crazy) or because i'm generally more or less bored whenever i happen to drink?

i think i am going to stop by work and see pbs since i need to put my automobile in the garage sometime tonight too.

20020226.0109
strange Fargo's actually getting a bit of a cold spell, it's probably as cold right now as it's been on it's coldest day of the year, which this year really isn't saying much, i don't believe it's dropped below 0 (F, that's about -12 C, or 260K for you non-american and physics/chemistry people) more than a couple of times this year, very peculiar indeed, normally it's averaging about -20F this time of year, this year it's generally been about 40….ABOVE, maybe i should shake GW's hand for trying to keep it warmer up here in Fargo-land with all the greenhouse gases that slow earth's rotation, blanket the land and all, although i don't think he's really had much to do with it…

so finally at 0100, after 2 days of labor my laundry is done, damn we need to get a washer/dryer that don't suck in our apt, we have hookups, but lack any ambition to find them, but the pay washer/dryer across the hall really, really suck as it takes almost an hour and a half to get one load washed/dryed.

so i was originally considering going to Minneapolis this weekend, even though i was just down there like 7 days ago, but i ended up picking up 3 weekend shifts from a co-worker, so this settles my dilemma. At work just a few moments ago i printed out my schedule for next month, several people have asked me the past few days if i'm doing anything for spring break, i've replied: 'i don't know,' well now i do know: i'm working. At least most of it anyway, i should really be making hay while the sun shines, and a fucking lot of it as next year's gonna' be a fuckover as far as financing myself to not be poor goes. I really need to win the lotto or something…

i think i need to spend some time sleeping and daydreaming for a bit, hopefully i'll write more in the morning, perhaps for the dark, as i've been feeling the back of my brain grope at my darkest depths as of late.

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damn, where did 26.2 go? Apparently i missed it.
today (well 26/27) was alright i suppose, i didn't wake until around noon, actually no, that's not entirely true; i woke around 7 and got up at around noon. darthmullet was in the process of defeating a multitude of minions of evil (ie playing Diablo II) so i couldn't very well keep him from saving the world just so i could jot down some worthless and useless shit in the light. So after waking i had some tea and oatmeal, i wandered off to class, found i did bad on my neuro/psych test, didn't care, found out i did well on an oncology test, didn't care, went to work, went to bennigans, went back to work (but just to chat with pbs), and now i'm here, and it's the 27 th. Crazy.

oh yea, i ordered some new boots!-i'm way fucking stoked as the ones i wear now are 5+ years old and have a hole in them, i should have actually taken care of them (in which case they wouldn't have a hole), but now i'm getting brand new ones. i'll make it my goal to take care of these, and at $250 they'd better last 10+ years. Actually any way one looks at it i come out way ahead purchasing boots, i don't really wear shoes, and if my last pair of boots lasted 5 years for 130 bucks i'm only paying 25 bucks a year, plus i don't have to support nike, reebok, or whatever the hell evil companies make shoes, nor pay sales tax via mailorder. Fuck 'em i'm all about commando style.

so i've been e'ing reddog quite a bit lately, we've just been kind of keeping in touch since the time i was down there and got fucking trashed along with everyone else @ tizmo's (one of the times anyway). It's been really cool, i haven't really talked with him sincerely since, well, fuck, i can't remember, but a very long time. for someone who's finances are totally fucked up, and who's general direction in life isn't really anywhere definable (by me anyway) he has such an amazing grasp of reality and is, well, just a lot more mature of thought than many of the people i know. Reddog's my oldest friend (since kindergarden, another one of those Asians take to Asians things) and it's just nice to be talking again. He misses Fargo some, but for the very reasons he left (imagine trying to get anything done with people offering you free liquor everywhere you went…), so that sucks a bit for him, but Minneapolis is 100X better than Fargo ever could be, so i feel it's ultimately awesome that he's down there…

right now the apartment smells absolutely fucking awesome, darthmullet and beth made cookies today and they're sitting all innocent and fucking pretty on the counter, just waiting for a manly man to come and eat them all up. today i've eaten: oatmeal, a banana, pizza, coffee cake, a corndog, spinach/artichoke dip w/ cracker-things/ 25 oz Guinness, more coffee cake, and probably some other shit too, i'm not that sure that i want nor need any cookies… but i will sleep tonight under their seductive breath…

goodnight!

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similar to women the sweet smell of fresh-baked cookies was nowhere to be found come morning, perhaps if i'd waken before 1000 i could have still stolen a whiff, damn the laziness, damn it.

i guess a bit of an historical perspective
the effects of 911 (sept. 11, 2001) have had many ill consequences for us americans, not only is GW given free reign to do whatever the hell he wants under the guise of 'national security' but real issues in this country (medicare, Social Security, Economy, etc) have become back-burner news, and no one realizes that Bush is doing a very poor job in any respect to make our lives better. Sure there is *less* terrorism than there was in September, but do people feel safer? Is the government foolproof? Fucking of course it isn't. the fundamental problem giving rise to anti-American sentiments has not been addressed, nor will it be by the Bush administration, nor any other administration that will ever wield the scepter of a plurority vote from a minority of the population, simply because there isn't a solution to this problem. It arises from football, and McDonalds, soap operas, and huggies commercials, the Christian right, and a non-religiously affiliated policy mandate. Every 300 pound (that's 136 kilo's for all you metric people) triple bypass with colon cancer drinking bud light and eating KFC between trips to the bathroom, and the bedroom is a reason to hate america; every 5-year old calling people 'chinks' and 'niggers' because he/she heard it on TV is a reason; every dollar spent on pornos and Abercrombie is a reason; and every bigot who thinks islam is a city somewhere far away that deserves a trident D5 is the epitome of an issue needing resolution. The impoverished 3rd world farmer making 6 bucks a week can't understand the need for an M3, a 1M SDSL, or the new KMFDM CD, any more than most Americans can understand their plight. What i can't understand is Bush's black and white antics, his axis of evil, and the fact that people actually like the dumb bastard. Sure it's great that we have a leader whom illiterate people can relate, but at the expense of 100 intelligence quotient points?-i'm not so sure i see the bargain. The sooner he's out of the Whitehouse and at Mayo getting his thyroid removed the better, fucking Ashcroft can go along for the ride, maybe he can bludgeon some minorities to death with a wooden-bound bible on the way. All the fucking baby-boomers and retirees that voted bush with an assumption of moral integrity are going to moral integrity themselves right out of a social security check, a prescription drug medicare benefit, and ultimately retirement, if they were so fucking moral they wouldn't accept Uncle Sam's handouts anyway because the country can't fucking afford to give them much longer. At least they'll be *safe* from shady turban-wearing men prowling the parking lots at night armed to the teeth with half a gallon of pulp-free orange juice, a pound of brown sugar, 3 Fuji apples, and a loaf of sourdough bread. Such fanatics and evil-doers should all be shipped back to Islam (you know, like that city with all the elephants) and pounded with an 8 warhead tritium misallocation via taxpayers' stupidity. Reganomics (Regan Economics) have dictated that, as the result of all this stupidity, something will eventually reach me and make my life shittier. My trickledown?-a lagging postal service. I remembered i ordered an CD from cdnow.com about a week after 911, i finally called them 3 weeks later and asked 'where the fuck is my OhGr CD?' 'it may take some time to get there.' '3 weeks!-it's been 20 days already.' 'if it doesn't come in 7 more days give us a call back and we'll send out a new one.' Fuck man, it's a CD, how long does it take to shoot some gamma rays through it? the funny thing is this: 1 st and 2 nd day airmail still arrived in 1 and 2 days, respectively. Go figure. I guess i'll ship everything 2day air from now on, it's worth the extra 7 bucks to get my boots a month sooner, and you know Fargo's a terrorist hotspot. A lot of important agencies up here i'm surprised Ashcroft hasn't flown up here to remind us to be on 'the highest state of alert' just as those two secret service guys flew up here a year ago and jerked off some writer for the school newspaper because he said 'gore and bush should both just die because he's sick of hearing about the tainted Florida election process.' With any luck a couple of Agent Smiths with their mullitude chopped off will fly up here on taxpayer money and pistol-whip my sarcastic-ass for realizing the 1 st amendment actually pertains to me. You'd think they would require something like, oh, say, an advanced college degree to be in the secret service, but nothing of the sort, it'd be a mighty small pool to pick from were that the case as generally bigoted, ignorant egophiles are usually what they're looking for, sure there are some of these in academia, but generally they would rather out-smart a rival rather than read his/her e mail and harass his/her spouse.

damn the fucking man.

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