i suppose i'll write a bit before i go to work, i'm picking up a shift for someone this morning, then again this pm, so including class i'm working from 0500 to 2100-2200, which is cool because it'll pay for 1 boot.

nothing's much happened the past day or so, mostly just wishing the light at the end of the academic tunnel could consume me now. But it's only another 14 months, which should all fly by, it's pretty funny that i've been in school for 5 years; on the one hand high school graduation and fucking around egging cars and shit before we turned 18 is just weeks in the past; while on the other hand high school was forever ago and i feel distanced and ultimately unlike the tid242 of the high school years, in fact: tid242 was not a pseudonymn in use by me then, high school seems like a million miles away (as the crow flies)...

the first time.
there are a lot of firsts in life: first time having sex, first paycheck, first real paycheck, first time being drunk, first time killing someone, first time i ate a dieffenbachia plant and found i didn't like calcium oxalate in my mouth very much, etc. while a lot of these firsts have yet to pass (first real paycheck, first time having sex, first dumb-cane incident) one of my most memorable firsts was the first time i drank. About a year ago in an Ethics class we had an alcoholic talk to us about his life and his alcohol abuse and actually a bunch of stuff about depression and the like (depression is a totally different subject i'd like to write about, but not right now). One of the things he said was true not only for he, but for every alcoholic he'd ever talked to, was that from the first sip of liquor they all knew they were an alcoholic. Like a key alcohol opened a door which could never be locked again. Time from that point onward was then divided into 2 parts: before the drink, and after the drink. I'm not an alcoholic, i think i very easily could be a heavy abuser, but a little to my surprise my first drink did not bring me feelings of purpose and clarity of what i would be doing for the rest of my life (ie becoming 'hepatotoxic-man'). One thing that our speaker said though that does apply to this first experience was that every drink after the first he was chasing the feeling he had felt from that first time, even years later he was still drinking to reproduce what experience. Talk about the law of diminishing marginal returns… but oft when i think of drinking i think of my first.

one of my closest friends, UAIOE got married on Jul 15, 2000 to anne, of which i've written/mentioned before. For UAIOE's bachelor party jesse, reddog, darth_mullet, fantabulous_fun, scheides, and myself (and of course UAIOE, SMEAT! was in Germany), all went to Minneapolis for a night on the town. Basically we all went intending to drop a couple of hundred bucks on the night and have an awesome time, to this day i would spend ten times that amount to re-live that night, but know it is far beyond my reach no matter the cost. The 7 of us first went to William's in uptown and everyone had quite a bit to drink (i believe scheides and reddog did not as they were driving), fantabulous_fun and i were both feather-weights as neither had either never drank before or drank very little, i think i had a few sips of different peoples' beer and 1 shot and was more or less really buzzed. It's funny, i know of very few people who actually liked the taste of beer the first time they've had it, i'm not sure if this is because most peoples' first experience is with cheap rice-tainted American beer, or if beer actually tastes bad, but i've always loved the taste, even when i was very little and tried some of my mother/father's i remember liking it (which actually probably was cheap American beer), my first *real* experience however was with real beer (that night i believe i drank Newcastle, Harp, and bier amongst others) and i've always loved the taste. Today i drink almost exclusively Guinness and Stout, especially in Fargo, but when i drink in Minneapolis i still drink a variety of cool stuff… ANYWAY from William's in uptown we walked across the street to a restaurant called 'Chia Lutia's' (sp?), which happened to be a really cool place, signal15 showed up, but presently i can't remember what the fuck happened to him after we left... The uptown streets on this Friday night were absolutely packed with tons of fucking people, and the neat thing about uptown after about 2200 is that everyone's either drunk or high, so when you go there there're herds of extremely happy people perusing the streets in an unnatural, yet awesome merriment. The 8 of us pretty much just hung out at this place for a while, some of us drank a little more, some of us ate, and before leaving some of us (ie. UAIOE) got a drink called an 'Undertow' which was cool not only because it's the name of a way kick-ass CD/song but also because it totally fucked him up and he can't remember anything after the electric-blue concoction 'hit him' about a half-hour later. What a cool drink to get fucked up by! From Chia Lutia's we drove to a place called 'Sex World' (guess what they sell/promote there), reddog, jesse, darth_mullet, and fantabulous_fun in reddog's father's van, and scheides, UAIOE and myself in scheides' car, and like i said, i can't remember what the fuck happened to signal15. I remember riding shotgun hopelessly tainted by the kiss of alcohol feeling a sense of contentment and oneness with a whole lot more than i've ever felt before, but most of all with my friends, family by choice. Scheides and i knew we were mutually wishing the badge on the back of his car said '911 turbo S' instead of 'MX-6' and that we both wanted more than anything for just some consolation that indeed one day our cars would bear such words, and hopefully we could be worthy of them. UAIOE was sitting directly behind me in an amazingly drunken state and was talking about his feelings of being torn between marriage and his friends, and that he loved us all more than anything else in the world (except Anne apparently, i'm kidding he didn't 'give us up' to be with her in the slightest…) and that he was sorry that my mother had died less than a month before, and verbally labored onward pressing into my mushy head that he thought she was such a wonderful person, he missed her already, and that he felt bad for me not only because of my loss at her death, but also because of my strength and the isolation this strength has seemed to have brought me. I remembered absorbing those words, and for the first time since i can remember, without analyzing them for any crevices holding unspoken thoughts, without the expectation to see a Janis Face, and without a thought of expectation of me to reply in any particular manner. i don't try to strip down words and sentences into the thoughts behind them, i just do and i can't really help myself. But UAIOE's words i took at face-value. And i cried. Sitting in scheides' piece-of-shit mazda as the town streamed by illuminated by the summer street lamps, an infinite expanse of feelings of grief, sorrow, love, happiness devotion, and belonging overcame me, and i cried. It was one of the most memorable moments i've ever experienced, even more memorable than my mother's death, sitting in that ICU room with my father, siblings, aunt and grandmother weighing the hand fate had dealt, more memorable than graduation, prom, my first kiss/sexual_experience, or anything else i can remember. I learned then that though i was not an alcoholic, alcohol was a magical and powerful thing.

so ever since that night when i drink i am vaguely aware of chasing that experience, yet knowing more than vaguely that i can never relive it…"sea world?-we're going to sea world?" UAIOE asked as the 7 of us plodded down the empty sidewalks of Minneapolis at 0200 approaching 'Sex World.' The rest of the night was uneventful we marveled at the sex toys and purchased UAIOE a sucker that looked like a pair of breasts, allowed UAIOE to throw up in the bathroom several times, and left (no we didn't do anything anyone would disapprove of). And finally spent the night in some hotel somewhere, and trekked back to Fergus Falls the next day for the wedding. Maybe there is a god because UAIOE was not hung-over…

i've unfortunately got to get to work, but hopefully i'll be in the mood to transcribe the wedding tonight/tomorrow.

save your first drink like you're saving your virginity, if you've already spent either/both then you know why i say this, yet cannot reclaim your loss in this life…

damn the man.



so i worked today from 0700 to 1900 or so, and successfully paid for 1 boot! Working was alright though, yesterday all the computers were all fucked up and everything was a mess. This hospital uses 3 totally separate systems which are all generally built to interfere with one another so that potential clients are technologically pressured into purchasing all their components from the same company, a very micro$oft tactic… so anyway following the flow of technological innovation our facility gets fucked by the politics of companies we're paying to improve our patient care. Pretty fucking stupid if you ask me, get this the whole facility runs on Compaq terminals to an NT server. So on top of all the shit software we buy for horrendous amounts of money from IDX and Cerner we're building on top of fucking windows, no wonder our shit is fucked up. the people that work for these companies are even more inept than their products, if that's possible. Why the fuck would windows ever be employed for institutional use? Fucking stupid fucking stupid, all the Linux forks, all of the BSD forks, and all of the other UNIX clones and they choose a fucking DOS kernel?-weak, fucking weak.

right now darthmullet and beth are watching a production written by Jim Henson whom died in 1988 of MDR pneumonia (S. pneumonae?). i was talking to pbs the other night and he was asking if i thought Henson was one of the first AIDS patients and died of PCP, i said i didn't know and thought he died of a Streptococcal sp., is there something that i don't know, was Henson gay? A death in 88 means a probable contraction of the early 80's, it wasn't until 82 that HIV was even isolated at the Pasteur Institute by Montagnier, so we're talking ground zero… apparently the Muppets won the day and the movie's over, now they are watching some show called 'Everyone Loves Raymond,' which i've never heard of before but supposedly should have. I'll write more tomorrow as i can't concentrate with TV laugh-tracks buzzing in the background, the atmosphere here isn't the greatest right now either as i think darthmullet and beth haven't left the apartment today, or at least it feels that way.



there's something inherently annoying about TV, i, personally and simply cannot stand it. Whether this perturbation stems from the actual programming itself or from what television has come to represent culturally i cannot say. Even PBS (Public Broadcasting System, government/membership supported is informative in nature and commercial-free) oft times fills the airwaves with worthless low-budget shit which seems like it's just passing the time until the in-between-shows-commercial sponsor can appear and dominate its 30 seconds of fame. But honestly television seems such an intractable part of so many lives that fundamentally, if we're not disturbed by this then we're already too far gone. Are we really so lonely?-so bored?-so hungry for something to feed our minds? TV seems a horrible addiction (and additionally Scientific American recently ran a story on the addictive nature of TV) where countless serfs spend day-in and day-out in an unhealthy haze staring blankly at the father of ADD/ADHD. Culturally many Americans have been raised on TV, from the cradle to the grave we pass our useless and worthless lives away in front of the glow of the 'boob-tube.' i, in part, was also raised on TV, yet i, perhaps unlike most, wish i had never seen one, wish they did not exist. When i was very young i remember the era of Saturday cartoons and the evening repertoire of damned shows lowering themselves to new levels each week in a vain attempt to draw out their inevitable deaths. During the summer between my 4 th and 5 th grade school-years we moved to a new house which was only 5 miles away from the nearest civilization instead of 8, from this time until perhaps my Jr. or Sr. year of high school, i lived without any form of television whatsoever. At the time i did not realize my good fortune at the hands of this happenstance, but i think today i have been greatly advantaged by this facet of my former life. Building Lego empires and catching dragonflies are much better activities for the young mind than TV can ever provide. As what we've learned carries on into the future those who *did* while young and learning become leaders and proactive individuals, whereas the passive absorbers of opinion, humor, and idea find that in the end they have not opinions, humor nor ideas of their own to share with others. As with all things used and abused in excess the television breeds conformity, passivity, and shunning of seemingly cypherous individualism. Like a religious mandate to waste ones life on something which in the end, is realized to be utterly useless, the television comes to possess the thoughts, shallow minds, and actions of those unfortunate enough to have become indoctrinated into the TV culture. Like many things touched by commercialism, greed and the monetary ruler of this culture, the need of deep-pocketed commercial TV sponsors has stripped any hint of altruism, individualistic artistic expression, varied opinion, or real controversiality from every pre-packaged 20/10 minute block of Hamburger Helper spamming the innermost sanctuaries of millions of should-be individuals, our homes. That which is fed to us in the end is as tasteless, voiceless, and choiceless as all of the prefabricated microwave-able dinners one could ever dream of clogging his/her coronary arteries with. Each 'program' designed specifically to leave its audience in a receptive mood for each commercial break, lest the ignorant be rendered unable to dial those 1-800-numbers for $50 cans of do-it-all diaper deodorizing covalent ACHR antagonizing rodentacide, while plunging the viewer into sad, anxious, or perturbed emotional states the split-second commercials make way back to 'programs.' The more time one spends watching the TV the 'better' he/she becomes able to swing his/her moods to the whimsical flip-flopping nature of their brainfood, after a lifetime of viewership and generations raised on neglected living-room floors looking only to a rectangular window to the impossible for inspiration and/or peer expectation, it's no wonder our lives have become kindled to a whimsical, disordered, and fastpacedspinyourheadoffgoingnowhereinahugefuckinghurry state. So homogenized has our Hamburger Helper helping become that controversial programming is believed to be whether a girl's nipple was showing during a sex scene on primetime, or whether the word 'damn' should be able to be aired on a children's show, for fear of 'tainting' the public. Yet no one looks at the fundamental problem of why the fuck people are even watching these shows in the first place. If there's a scene with two people having intercourse what's wrong with the audience seeing a nipple?-i mean two people are fucking for christ'sake and people are worried about nipples. It's amazing, if i'm watching two people having sex i think it would be in order for me to also see an uncovered nipple or two, if people are worried about seeing uncovered flesh then they probably shouldn't be watching two people going at it, you'd think it'd be a clear case of simply not watching it, but in this country, like all else, simply abstaining one's self isn't good enough-we need to deprive everyone of something we individually do not agree with. And whether children should be exposed to words like 'damn,' violent cartoons and otherwise shitty programming via TV?-how about the question of whether children should be exposed to TV at all. i'm sorry but should i ever decide to have children and i saw a TV at a potential day-care i'd pack my bags (with my kid[s] inside) throw 'em in the trunk, and find another sitter. The more i think about it the less and less i even want a TV for watching movies. There are millions of other things to do than sit in a vegetative state while some actor drones on about his/her make-believe world, each a thousand times more constructive than prostrating to the godbox. Taken as a whole the TV acts as a means of social control and provider of false purpose and/or contentment in America today, cooing the desire to think and be individual away while allowing people to rationalize their purposeless and trite existence. "God is in the TV" states Marilyn Manson ("don't like the drugs," Mechanical Animals), and i agree wholeheartedly that the man slips through every pixel into the thought behind unwary eyes.

so darthmullet just got up, apparently he doesn't have to work today, but is going to Minneapolis tomorrow to smash some windows and things in the morning, which is pretty cool, uh… i guess. It snowed some last night, which is good because it can't really snow when it's too fucking cold, so being that there's fresh snow on the ground generally means that it's warmed up to at least 10 (F) above, which, naturally is a good thing. The warmer it is the fewer alcoholic indigents there are hanging around in the hospital claiming to have consumed a bottle of methanol to keep themselves from freezing to death in the cold of Fargo's mispriority.

not so sure exactly what the plan for today is, it's still only like 08-something and i don't have any class until 1830, perhaps i'll clean or something, maybe. So the plan for this week: struggle, resentingly (is that a word?) through my shitty classes then pack my shit and get the fuck out of here for 4 or so days. I think i'm probably going to head to Minneapolis for at least 3 of the days, perhaps all of them, depending upon how my welcome and wallet hold up. not sure what the Minneapolis plan is but there's always quite a bit to do there, i think Kellie's going to be there over her 'spring break' too, and it would be cool to hang out with her for a little bit. I guess i'm up for a weekend of 1300 waffles, litres of stoli and a Thai supper by night.

thank the nonexistent fucking powers that be, i just talked to my sister on the phone and learned that my brother isn't going to come to NDSU, but rather followed my advice and is probably going to go to the U of M (Univ. of Minnesota Minneapolis/St. Paul) instead. Now i'll feel really bad if he hates it there or something, but i know he won't, and the opportunities in that area will provide him with the best possible future. It's good to know i'm making a difference in the world, since NDSU is a 3 rd rate institution squabbling for scraps from the big institutions by fucking over its student base and its future, i hate it, and therefore by talking my brother into not going there i just cost NDSU $50,000, i mean maybe not that much directly, but you figure student costs, governmental monies allocated in regard to student population, the lost money pumped into the Fargo economy, which in turn feeds college growth etc. yes, i just cost NDSU $50,000. In addition to this i will refuse to give any alumni money (which they undoubtedly expect), and also my brother, who will probably be successful will also not be giving any money to NDSU i could have in all effect taken away a potentially huge sum of money. Also Fargo is out of some money too, who knows they might actually have to scale back their totalitarian police force that has a penchant for beating minorities and jerking around Fargo's most young and promising. Fuck this place, i'm doing everything in my power to give it exactly what it deserves, ie. Nothing.

I've decided i really need to start a company which writes hospital software that actually fucking works, probably expand and do installs on entire facilities using a FreeBSD OS and actually do shit right, i'm sick of shitty software that costs a fortune, it's unreasonable and counterproductive for the good of the many.

so i've been writing on and off for the past few hours, so i should probably stop and just write when i actually have something worth saying.



so really the only thing i've ever wanted was, and still is, to enjoy life. But like so many abstract abstractions the ability to fully enjoy one's blessings seems to forever remain just out of reach. Ignorance cannot really be bliss because one must be ignorant, while bliss seems such an incomprehensible term for all but those delving inside the blanket of blindness. One expands his/her horizons only to find they've left behind the contentment once found in simple things, and simple words. The quest for 'new' and 'different' becomes an obsession and life simply becomes a journey, albeit always falling short of a destination whose existence continues to elude us. Those who live in moderation find themselves wrought with a wanderlust they've forced their lives to deny, while those who wander oft doom themselves to an existence without a home. The cheated virgin in the end is no different from the cheated whore, both doomed to fulfill whatever prophecy they've instilled upon themselves. And what then becomes the point of living?-of somehow being granted a gift so precious no one can afford to waste it on any single endeavor, each fork in the road of life branches away from a thousand others, and thus we find ourselves trodding along one path just long enough to leap to another, we're a race of foolish mortals that want it all, yet all receive nothing. If we could be godlike we would still be unable to grant ourselves any respite from ourselves, and in this life, devoid of the divine we shall have not even this opportunity to provide ourselves, or our brethren anything resembling contentment. And yet the fact remains: the only thing i've ever wanted was, and still is, to enjoy life. All facets of this existence become a standard by which to measure the future, and the future becomes a blank and barren field strewn with the littered misplaced expectations and benchmarks we desired in a time when these things all mattered more. We find that the kiss we've worked so hard to receive is no different than the bitter memory of yesteryear's lover, and all things we've worked so hard to acquire have somehow lost their luster in the time spent to claim them. I work now so i need not work later, yet later i will work wishing i'd enjoyed the past, and in the distant future awaits a slavery to boredom and circular thought and a million things i should have resolved when i was young and had the ambition to slay demons, yet realized not that these demons would follow my sentience like a disease unto the bitter end. If we realize we're damned can anything fix our broken lives?

i'm not sure if i've mentioned this in the past few days or what but it's spring break next week and i'm taking off to Minneapolis this weekend, hopefully i won't have to be back to work until Friday, which would be way, way cool. i'm not exactly sure what facet of this whole situation would be so great, but the thought of not doing anything for a week is just a really great fucking feeling. I'm not sure what the plan of action in Minneapolis-land is right now, i'd imagine just shooting the shit on the weekend then back to work/school during the week for the non-spring-break-blessed members of the mankeyvillage (the new term for 'the house'), in which case i could eat lots of Thai food by myself and whore myself out to idle hands in a big city. I've asked JR if she would like to come. Apparently JR and a friend of hers were going to trek about 1800 miles south-west of here to visit one of their mutual friends, but this friend has (also apparently) become heavily involved with drugs, and lowness, and the horrible emotional roller-coaster which accompanies this sort of lifestyle. Now this is something i would fucking absolutely love to do. Seriously how awesome would it to be a total dope fiend for about 5 days, but then again i would also want to be able to be 'normal' again, which is kind of an antithesis of 'dope fiend.' So this is just one more than i will never experience, but would really heavily impact my life….but ANYWAY JR and her friend sort of decided they didn't want to spend a week afraid that some shady individual might somehow fuck with them, so now they're not doing anything (including not working). i had invited JR to Minneapolis a long time ago and she expressed interest but never went with me. I suspect that this time will be the same… it would be really cool should she decide differently. I talked to AMANDA last night, this is a long damn story but she's darthmullet's exGF of like 4 years, whom he dumped about 20 hours before he started seeing beth, but anyway AMANDA was way fucking stoked to get together with Andrea, myself and possibly Heed on Saturday, which would be totally, totally cool. apparently Kellie's going to be in the area as well so it looks like a strange collection of flowers may all be blossoming in the same garden come Saturday night. I'm sorry for all the screwy names & shit being whimsically spouted off here, everything will hopefully be better when i have a section with an autobiography of all the people i mention in the light, i'm trying but it's slow going, apparently everyone's as lazy as i am when it comes to shit… but anyway this weekend should be way cool if even half the shit pans out right now. I find a lot of the time with life there's a balance of what one plans and what one can actually do, personally i try to plan about 120% of my capability, since tons of shit always falls through i usually end up running about 60% of my potential which is optimal (on vacation). It's a lot like the airlines, when they book 100 people for a flight that only holds 93, sure it sucks when they have to pay 7 joes a huge sum of money to take a different plane, but ultimately they come out way ahead (and also figure out who's mailbox they can spam with promos that'll actually end up getting used). I guess i'm pretty fucking stoked and right now everything this week is just wasting time until Friday when i can commute at a high velocity to places of greater marvel than measly Fargo. There's also been much talk on of laying down some groundwork for the empire and getting some people started on contributions, as a lot of people are fucking pumped but no one really knows wtf is going on or what they might do to contribute, so all this is in good order to put in good order. Additionally through the various fucked-up topic shifting of our BBS we've also happened upon the idea of movie-making so i'm gonna' let all the mankeys in on a movie idea i've been incubating for about a year or so now. It's nice surrounding myself with eclectics and individualists, there's just too much potential and fulfillment available in our 'family' to ever hang out with dumbies…

other than all of this i suppose i should mention that i've interviewed today to participate in a 6-week stint in South Africa as a part of my formal education process. Whether all of this pans out or now, we'll see, but if all of a sudden i have a lot of the light entries from South Africa 02.03 then that'll probably answer this question. There were 4 of us who applied for 2 positions, which means 50% of us will get weeded, 2 people you've never heard of before applied, and two people you've heard of (including me). Maybe more details later, but all of this could potentially be an historical marker later on (6 weeks in Africa would be one of my most amazing experiences to date).

i think there's a lot of change going on inside of me right now. All i can feel right now is a huge push to somehow gain independence. It's almost an instinctual need to be done with school, move wherever, start a business, see lots of operas, stay up all night writing all kinds of stories and things, etc. etc. perhaps it's just a bit of a manic episode or something, but i think it's something much more fundamental than that. For the longest time in my life i've thought that i'm depressed, and i probably am a little bit. While for even longer i've had the overpowering suspicion that i am not very much like very many other people. There has always been a question therefore, in my mind as to whether i've always felt i'm different because i'm depressed or whether i'm depressed because i'm dissimilar. I think right now i am finally realizing it's the latter, which for me has enormous personal implications. I was looking over a depression survey today and all the questions were just so utterly simple, shallow, and devoid of any real meaning "do you feel sad? -yes i'm always sad, -sometimes i'm sad, -no i'm never sad" it became so apparent to me just how deep-seated the roots of my unhappiness lie, and likewise the unhappiness of many, many people i know. We're not depressed because of intractable melancholy, but we're dismayed that people believe in things so shallowly, GW is our 'leader,' the fact that it's the TV that raises our children, and that people still judge others on the basis of their skin-color. We live in a rather sad world, and in accepting this, a true heart must also bear the burden of that sadness. The term known as 'depression' then comes to represent this struggle we hold against all the bad things we've come to know in this world, and a 'cure' becomes synonomous with giving in to society's disease. No fucking multiple-choice questionnaire can ever reach the bottom of this well, nor can any half-assed reason pull forth the drowning soul lost deep within its depths. There are many kinds of clarity, reason, understanding and intelligence, it takes a certain mix for an individual to be compassionately impacted by the weight of the world, the mix that makes us 'depressed.'



there's something dreadfully woeful about the unappreciated blessings in my life. I am 23 years old, do not have a 'real' job, attend school, work part time at a temporary more-or-less minimum wage job, have no familial inheritance, and am one of three children of a single parent whose occupation requires no formal education. In spite of this i live in the top 10% of world income levels, when i complete college i will easily occupy the niche reserved for the top 1%, and yet i am a 'poor college student.' I look around our apartment at our enormous TV, our vaulted ceilings, a fish tank holding more gallons of water than dollars some people make in a year, our 18 bottles of wine, at this computer i use to write this, and old college texts on which i've spent thousands of dollars and i think about many things. I think about the fact that this apartment costs 3 times the per capita income of many of earth's denizens…per month. Darthmullet and i shell out $600 for this place 12 times a year, and think nothing of it. This would take an individual in the world's more impoverished making $200/year (a very common income level) an entire lifetime of work to pay for one year of our rent, and rent in Fargo is cheap!-this apartment in Minneapolis would cost 2 to 3 times what we pay, an amount even more hopelessly unattainable for individuals who cannot even begin to fathom these numbers, let alone the dollars they represent. I continually check the time through sapphire glass worth more than many people's entire wardrobes, even within this country, as i sip my imported tea, and i wonder what the day may bring. I woke up today to the sound of my alarm clock in my 30 square-foot water-bed, grabbed one selection of thousands of permentations of what i might wear today and took a hot shower after doing some brief push-ups and sit-ups, the most physical activity i'll partake in today excluding the bed-time push-ups and sit-ups i'll do tonight. I sit here listening to mp3s of music i do not purchase, not because i could not afford a CD which would cost what our $200PCI person would make in a month, but because i disagree in principle with the entity selling it. i guess one becomes a man of principle only if he can afford it, those squabbling for the scraps of fat fucking Americans like me cannot afford the luxury of principle, nor are many afforded the opportunity to ever improve their lives. They say America is the land of opportunity, and for the most part it's true, but what is opportunity? Even without a universal means of definition, by most peoples' standards the majority of the population here choose not to take advantage of their fortune, but rather live at the bottom of the social food chain, unbeknownst to them, still at the top of the global hierarchy. Uh… anyway i'm not sure where i was going with all of this, i seemed to have spent a lot of this past hour eating and listening to music, and now feel very unmotivated to continue this line of thought...

i've been spending a lot of time lately editing my .html file collection so as to fix a lot of stuff, as well as add some legal stuff to, i'm not a huge legal fan, in fact i think the law generally doesn't do a very good job of protecting people, but rather catering to huge conglomerates, but my limited legal tags are designed to protect myself, and my affiliates from these very entities. And unfortunately i feel it's necessary.

i don't have a whole lot to report right now i guess, mostly just trying to bust some ass to get version out of the shop and onto the highway; by the end of next week is my absolute goal, but the end of this week is my shoot-for goal. By the time anyone reads this sentence it'll be done anyway (hopefully), but i'm not writing this for the temporal exactness for the readers.



i originally was home-free for the week in regard to, well everything i guess, nothing to do for school and my last day of work was Wednesday - until next Wednesday, well 'was.' I got a call this morning, and now i am working tonight… but that's ok, i figure it'll be another $40 take-home, which is 2 rounds of drinks, 2-3 meals, 2L of Stoli, or approximately 6,743 individually wrapped packets of cheap American Ramen. Plus the extra 4 or 5 hours will put me over the 60-hour pay-period mark, which is not only a nice goal to shoot for but also might make a difference on the amount of PTO (paid time off) i accrue, but maybe not , 64 hours would be a 0.8 FTE, so perhaps 60 falls just short of that.

anyway nothing really exciting has happened in the past 24 hours or so, just went to class, fell asleep, came back here for about an hour, then went to work, and ended up staying up past 0400 working on the website. I'm really not sure why it takes so damn long to do .html stuff, i mean probably 5 hours i spent on a couple of measly pages, i often wonder if i were a contract-out person if i would take as long. Most of the time is sitting around wondering if what i'm doing is really leading me in the direction i want to go. Last night i did the entire section and made some of the pages a little bit more lynx friendly. I think i like the final product of last night, the line is very eye-soft and impartial, which is exactly what i was striving for. Originally the entire section was going to be red (yea the bright-ass hex "#ff0000") but after playing with this a bit i just didn't like the way it jumped out, and hurt my eyes. If anyone remembers from the initial launch, and even the index.html place-holder before the official release, the line separating the light and the dark was a thin red line, that has now been replaced by a soothing grey "#a9a9a9" hex.

so andrea called me last night at about 2110 when i was at work, my phone lately hasn't been picking up callers' numbers ,which is kind of pissing me off, i mean what's the point of having caller-ID if you can't see who the hell is calling, but whatever i guess… anyway i think she had been drinking because her voice sounded all seductive and way smooth and soothing, at least my voicemail and i thought so, maybe we just think what we want to…but being that i called her back about 2 hours later and no one was home (she lives with 5 other people) they'd probably gotten an early start at about 2000, then took off to some crazy party or another, in which case my assumptions may actually be true…

i was supposed to call bewitched earlier this week and go out or something, but i guess i never really got around to it, and i guess i really didn't ever go out either. Monday i did, along with spending a shitload of money on different things, and then i paid some bills on Tuesday, so all in all i've probably put down over 400 bucks in the past 3 days, of which i'm going to get about 250 back, which well-exceeds my $10/day spending goal, especially after this weekend is over. Oh well, just money, it won't matter in about a year, and really, who gives a shit anyway, it's not worth anything by itself, and everything's just an opportunity cost anyway. I would like to be putting more away though, but with my next year of rotations and being unable to work i am really wondering how wise it would be to invest-down my bank account to $1000 like i had originally planned on doing…

of course JR was not around to answer her phone last night when i called, so my prediction about her not going to Minneapolis will be correct within a 95%CI, or roughly 2 SD, depending upon which kind of math you like.

anyway i'm feeling sort of boring, and i don't have enough time to really get into writing about anything at all interesting, so i guess i'll jot some more down tomorrow.



so while i thought i was being all productive yesterday morning (besides the fact that i barely got up before 1100) it turns out i missed a presentation i was supposed to go to, fucking shit, it's the second one of those fuckers i've missed this year… it's no big deal, but still it would be less of a moral blow if i didn't forget this type of thing.

so i didn't leave the hospital today until about 0045 or so, pbs purchased pizza and i just couldn't resist the offer for free food, so naturally i gorged myself and now feel all fat and bloated, so i more than paid for whatever liquor i feel like buying tomorrow, darthmullet and i were talking about permanently having an open bottle of Chianti around for breakfast, lunch and dinner, which would be way-cool, so maybe i'll get started on this idea at happy harry's (the cool liquor store in town) tomorrow.

i talked to Andrea for a little bit just now, it turns out i was incorrect in my previous entry: she was just really fucking tired and hadn't a drop to drink, so apparently her voice is just always that seductive, or perhaps receptive ears were listening, but either way, really, who cares? We're going to hang out, along with Mandy (darthmullet's exGF) on Saturday, with probably about 1000 other inebriated shit-heads, and we also talked about hanging on Monday or Tuesday as well (although probably without Mandy or the 1000 hang-overs). darthmullet just walked in the door and expressed interest in Minneapolis this weekend if he can get out of working for the bovine-butchering man (Timberlodge Steakhouse) on Saturday, in any event it seems to me much of the reason for his desire to trek down there is the fact that beth is going to be in the area as a part of some singing trip she's taking, along with a bunch of left-minded daydreamers who intend on being poor their entire lives; and darthmullet wants to share this poverty by following them around, he just went to their concert in Fergus Falls, apparently they're awesome enough to see a couple of times…he'll be like some of those Mansonites who follow Marilyn Manson all over the country going to every single one of his shows, unlike darthmullet however, the Mansonites probably have parents that are footing all the bills… in other news still no word from JR, which laments my earlier assumption that she would not go, but rather run down the clock and then refuse…i don't have the impression that she doesn't ever want to do anything with me, just that she never gets around to it, of course my impressions could certainly deceive me…

i'm really feeling creatively burned right now as i've been pushing the envelope to beat a Friday deadline for V, right now it looks like it's going to happen, and i can dedicate my time later this week to writing some material for the sister sights of which have been greatly neglected since their inception.

hopefully i'll pump out some cool shit this weekend, along with some un-mundane-ified daily entries for the light, i've been fixing, editing, and meticulously creating for the past week or so, i'm about ready to tear some shit up.

down with the man, as soon as i'm done sleeping.



well i'm sitting at SMEAT!'s terminal right now, everyone (reddog, SMEAT!, mess, tizmo, subgenious, and scheides) are downstairs watching a movie, i think 'lock, stock and two smoking barrels.' it seems to me i've seen this movie before in Fargo with darthmullet, but i fell asleep that night, anyway i didn't really feel like being vegetative right now, sure i come to Minneapolis to kill brain cells, but not via watching excess movies. i think i'll watch '12 monkeys' either later tonight or tomorrow though.

Friday, Mar 07
i took off from Fargo at about 1730, it was my goal to leave by1600, so i missed that by a lot, but i was productive, so it's somewhat justified, i released v. and got a bunch of my plans for next year squared away, so it's all good. we were having a state-wide 'shitty-weather-warning' on Friday while i drove down, it was alright, but really slippery, blowing, with shitty visibility in a lot of spots. i got to tizmo's at about 2130, so it took about 4h instead of the normal 3-3.5, traffic was pretty slow for the past hour and a half or so, so that had a lot to do with it, otherwise i averaged 80-85 the entire rest of the way, when all of the over worried drivers were probably not even pushing 60... so Friday night it rained in Minneapolis, can you believe it-fucking thunderstorms in the first week of March! absolutely crazy, thunder and lightning and everything... reddog, tizmo, SMEAT! and i ate at Whitey's downtown at about 2330 or so, that was pretty cool, then we hung out back at the house for a while, i took reddog home (he's still car-less as a result of slow and lazy fucking insurance bastards), and SMEAT! and i probably hit the hay at about 0430 or so. that night we had a mordant meeting with scheides, reddog, SMEAT!, tizmo, eventually subgenious, and myself, we got some groundwork laid for as well as some general ideas for the empire... everyone's pretty stoked to do shit, but it's hard for us to find time, everyone's pretty damn busy most of the time...

Sat. March 09
we were originally going to go to an auto show here in town but signal15 said they really suck (if you can believe it, maybe there weren't enough Asian women there for him or something), anyway the day got off to a pretty late start, i think i didn't really wake up until 1100 or so, and we didn't all have breakfast and get done showering and shit until probably 1400, mess and i didn't leave to pick up reddog until 1700 or so, and, well, we just didn't end up going... Amanda, Heed, and Andrea were supposed to hang out with us, but Amanda ended up being misinformed about driving conditions, and stayed in FF, Heed didn't want to hang out if Amanda wasn't here as there's some 'bad blood' between herself and scheides as they were seeing each other for a bit, but then aren't anymore (and she had to work in the a.m.)...and Andrea didn't get off from work until very late and found she had to work early in the a.m. ... so it ended up being just the usual suspects eating baked penne, and drinking large amounts of Chianti and Sauvignon Blanc. it was a pretty decent night, we all became pretty 'happy,' SMEAT! became so 'happy' he was borderline unhappy (sick), and we all just ended up fucking around listening to industrial music all night... sometimes i think i live for these drug-induced, yet real moments...

today, Sun. Mar. 10:
Kellie called me today at 1100 or so, and i showered and drove to St. Paul to eat lunch at a Korean place with her, her brother, and sister in law. it was pretty cool, and we had some coffee afterwards, her brother and his wife are way-fun and cool to hang out with. we ended up eating Korean at the restaurant she and i ate at the last time we were both down here...i believe when her brother and his wife had their wedding reception.

diving back from the caribou coffee place the fucking Mazda got all fuckidy and now doesn't work quite right, not sure what the problem is but i suspect the fuel pump, or something gas-delivery, air-flow, or ignition sparks. it runs, just not very well, so now my Monday project is dropping more money on the fucking thing to get something fixed that shouldn't have broken in the first place.... you know: cars shouldn't fucking break, some of them don't, like if i drove a Toyota, Nissan, or a Porsche, these cars: shit just doesn't fucking break unless it's a result of user-error. and, well, fucking Mazda.

'bout it for now, would like some Thai food though...wish my car worked right..



a week passes, with scarcely a word from me, not because i don't love you, but because i write for myself, and i don't love me. It's not that i'm biased or anything, i just don't really love anyone, not right now in any event, the whole idea of love just seems rather foreign and i just feel very incapable of feeling it... Anyway i think i wrote a brief bit on, uh… like last Sunday or something. So now i'm back in Fargo from my 6-day excursion to Minneapolis, it's funny how i've felt this need to get back to my apartment for the past few days or so, but it's been scarcely an hour or so since i've been here and i'm already feeling that nagging sense of boredom, i work at 1800 today, so that should occupy me some. . . darthmullet just took off for South Dakota to see beth for the weekend, as she went home to see her parents, i think i saw him for about an half-an-hour or so before he left, the last time i'd seen him was last Thursday or Friday, i can't remember which, and due to work/class etc, i won't see him again until next Thursday or Friday. Pretty fucked up sometimes having a roomie that i never see, but it's all good. i've been meaning to clean my bathroom and vacuum the rest of the apartment for the last couple of weeks or so, i realized that i should mop today too being that the bottoms of my feet pick up little crumbs and things when i walk across the kitchen floor… mopping sucks, but so does a dirty apartment. So the skinny?-last week's been a total blur and ended up costing around 700 bucks, how?-who the hell knows, between getting the fucking Mazda fixed at a take-you-up-the-ass Mazda dealership and spotting poor people money for restaurant food, buying gas for my eco-killer automobile, and buying food/drink for the house & the guys, and, well money does a lot more outside the wallet than it does sitting amongst old receipts and loser lotto ticks.

i am proud to say however, that i drank absolutely no hard liquor my entire stay in Minneapolis, excluding one 2X samvca (sp?) on, uh… must have been Saturday night with SMEAT!, gotta' follow tradition ya' know. . . mostly it was wine & beer: Chianti, Sauvignon Blanc, more Chianti, Guinness, New Castle, and some lighter lager for making half-and-half/black-and-tans. Though i am not so proud to say that i ate Thai only two times, in 6 days. . . i need some help in this area i'm thinking-i need to increase the Thai_meal to day ratio.

anyway here's last weeks fucking skinny:
after i'd written some on Sunday signal15, SMEAT!, scheides, reddog, tizmo, myself and uh… for the life of me, i can't remember who the 7th person was… uh… sorry whoever you are. . . maybe it was subgenious, uh… fucking how unusual for me to forget. Whoever you were you didn't say enough funny things nor did you pick up my tab or pay me money to hang out with you, if you would have fulfilled one of these criteria you would be remembered. . . . oh yes, it was subgenious, because he left a shitty tip, and tizmo and i were talking about how unusual this was considering subgenious used to work at Perkins with me a looong time ago... fucking ANYWAY at about 2300 or so we all decided to trek down there some food, tizmo and scheides drove since the Mazda was confined to sitting on the street in an intrinsically dilapidated state of looking stupid-but drivable, yet being generally undrivable because it was too dumb to figure out how much O2 the unenthusiastic engine was getting, fucking Mazdas, at least scheides' ready-to die MX-6, and tizmo's 200k beretta were still running, not strong, but running. Whitey's consisted, for me, of a 2-minute-perfect pint (Guinness) and some baked Penne, since i'd only eaten a pound or so of the stuff the night before, signal15 had gotten me all hard about Guinness a few minutes before because he was telling me that the Guinness people were thinking about changing the recipe so it would take less than 2 minutes to pour the perfect pint - apparently whatever brainiacs in some office somewhere feel that people don't order Guinness because they can't seem to wait 2 minutes for their protein-rich-headed pint of cool, and slightly-creamy ecstasy. i guess the prevailing thought is that a typical scenario goes something like this:

An average American joe walks into a bar, "hey sexy," he creepily says to the poverty-stricken, art-major-college-student, semi-attractive server, as only an American can really execute with the correct enunciation, amount of eye-wander and finger-jittering, "what've ya' got on tap?"

"Well, we've got Budlight, Coorslight, another cheap & rice-diluted American piece of shit beer, Hevaweisen, Guinness, and New Castle." Replies the Suzie-Server with practiced automatism.

"Hmmm... well Guinness sounds really good, but last time i ordered it it took 2 minutes to get, i've got a lot of drinking to do before the bar closes in 3.5 hours, and i just don't have that kind of time-gimme' a bush-beer!"

"you mean a 'buschlight?'"

"oh, yea-that!-whatever, can i get 2 pints right away, so i don't have to wait for the second one?" (aka: i don't think you're a very good waitress, but you're pretty hot and i'd like to put my dick inside you).

"sure, i guess, if that's what you want." (aka: you're a sick piece of shit and i turn down more dumb-asses like you than the number of cheap-trash beers i serve a night).

and thus Harp loses out on selling a pint of their product to someone who would have *obviously* purchased their product had it not been for the horrendous 2-minute wait...

now i don't know about you, if you even like Guinness, but this is like walking into an auto-rental place and saying "what've you got for cars?" being answered by "well we've got a bunch of Fords, Chevy's, and Dodge's, or if you want to wait 15 minutes the (Audi) S4 will be back from the car-wash" and then driving away in a Taurus. If i want a pint of Guinness i fucking want a pint of Guinness, i don't care if i have to wait for 10 minutes, i'm gonna get a damn pint.. "oh you have to *open* the bottle of wine?-well i'll just have a diet coke then"-it doesn't fucking work like that... but anyway, we ate a bunch of food, had a pint, and called it a night, as everyone had to work/school and shit the next day (except myself, scheides, & reddog that is...).

Monday, 20020311:
Most of Monday consisted of bringing the damn Mazda to a place in Brooklyn Center to get it fixed, other than that i mostly hung out with Scheides' semi-unemployed ass, and playing a FPS (first-person-shooter for all you non-Quake-aholics) called 'Serious Sam,' which mostly consists, like all FPS's of me pretending i'm a guy with a bunch of big guns who runs around and kills various creatures/robots on his way to a glorious demise of becoming blown-apart body chunks and bloody graffiti upon OpenGL-rendered Egyptian hieroglyphs. Other than that scheides, SMEAT!, and i briefly foraged for some cheap desk-parts for scheides, but returned empty-handed.

In the p.m. Mandy (darthmullet's 4-year exGF), Andrea, Heed, and the house-people (mess, scheides, SMEAT!, reddog, subgenious, and later tizmo) all hung out and SMEAT! cooked some Thai something-or other (which was awesome), i had forgotten how SMEAT! and Mandy don't get along so well, and also that Heed and scheides don't talk much because they were sort-of seeing each other, but are not anymore, and, well the night was alright, except for the 2 hours spent trying to unplug the kitchen drain after enormous amounts of cabbage-derived-fibrous wastes were crammed through the garbage disposal. After tizmo took the drain apart and otherwise spent a long time 'plunging' the sink (you know, like with a toilet plunger) we ascertained that the clog was in a basement pipe by feeling it for heat... 64 ounces of HCL drain-unclogger seemed to do the trick though, damn that shit's amazing, less than 10 minutes after we'd poured the acidic concoction of hurt-your-eyes fuming volatile hydrogen activity down the pipework the clog was 'cleared,' and all the sewer-residing microbial fauna in the neighborhood's cell membranes destroyed by excess free radicals...all in a good day's work!- all in all it was alright though, and Andrea went home with my shirt, which i want back (never give a woman anything you want back), it's not like she's stealing it or anything, but human beings are so fucking forgetful 99% of the time... i love that shirt, i hope it's in a good home *sniff* (i know i said i don't love anything, but this shirt man.... well... we've been through a lot together, that shirt and i...).

Tuesday, 20020312.
Another 'Serious Sam' day, scheides SMEAT! and i went out for lunch at Bangkok Thai, after which SMEAT! and i set up some bank-account stuff for his pay-tid242-back-plan, and scheides and i went to a liquor store about a block away from Internet_Exposure (SMEAT!'s work) called 'Syrdiks' (sp?), holy fuck did they have a lot of wine, not only did they have a zillion bottles of imported exotica, but there also happened to be a month-long wine sale and everything was around 20-60% off, way cool... i purchased 4 bottles, 3 Italian, 1 Portuguese; i had no idea WTF i was buying, but they were all cheap, so what the hell...give 'em a try... we picked up my the fucking Mazda, and i spent the next few hours being 'Serious' (aka: playing 'Serious Sam.'). Andrea called at perhaps around 1900 or so, and the two of us went out and ate Indian food at 'India Palace' in Roseville. I've never eaten Indian before, it was pretty good, people have always told me that Indian food is spicy, i ordered a spicy dish, the 'hottest' they could make it, it was fucking bland... so i'm thinking whoever told me that was either smoking crack, or was weak... of course the restaurant could have been either of the aforementioned as well, but Andrea said it was bland, and she's not renowned for her 'hot tolerance,' but also didn't say it was unusual, so i'll have to try more Indian before i can ascertain who's really the one sucking back on the foggy glass tube-O-Dopamine.

Andrea, scheides, SMEAT!, and i watched '12 Monkeys' downstairs, SMEAT! took off at around 0100 or so to take down a router and do some network maintenance at inet exposure, and the 3 remaining bodies finished the movie, and then somehow watched like 2 hours of 'the making of 12 Monkeys' which was included in the DVD, we thought it would only be like 1/2 an hour, so we kept watching, thinking it would be over really soon... crazy. Andrea spent the night, and i got to sleep with her (no sex), i thought that was very nice, it's been a while...

Wednesday, 20020313.
Since the Mazda actually worked by Wednesday i brought Andrea home at around 1100 (and forgetting her left-over Indian food in the fridge), and spent the next several hours being 'Serious'-i tell ya' i had almost attained the coveted 'addict' level usually reserved for Q3 (Quake III), and D2 (Diablo II) die-hards, but alas, scheides and i drove to Brooklyn Center to pick up reddog's carless ass, being that his Cougar was still debilitated by insurance bastard-bureaucracy (and the 16-year-old hit & run fan who's car liked to kiss the Cougar's parked-in-a-driveway rump at excessive speeds). We had some coffee variants at a small shop somewhere near tizmo/scheides/SMEAT!/subgenious's house before returning there where i continued to be 'Serious,' while scheides did some DB stuff for his semiemployer, and reddog spent his time winning GT3 (Gran Tourismo 3, PS2 game) races and jazzing himself up on that feeling of not being carless... later that night scheides, SMEAT!, reddog, and i met 3 other guys at inet exposure late at night to drink Newcastle while playing Q3 variants, which was very close to being 'Serious' earlier that day, and well-earlier that week, except when i killed another entity someone a few feet away would say "shit, i got fucking killed!-bastards!" videogames are always much more gratifying when you're 'killing' an actual player and not just an AI bot.

Thursday, 20020314.
i woke up at around 1100 or so, as i'd been doing for the entire week and found that it was snowing like crazy outside, Minneapolis was getting about 2 inches per hour, and by the time the storm was done several parts of the cities got 2 feet.. anyway i drove back to Fergus Falls leaving at around 1400, traffic was slow and there were lots of accidents and people in the ditch all along the 200 mile stretch connecting the two cities, the trip took 4 hours (usually it takes less than 3); the roads were glare ice in many places and the wind was gusting probably over 30mph, oft times i drove for miles on end with the wheels counter-steering the wind pushing the van sideways with uncanny ease upon the glare ice... as much as i hate the fucking Mazda, 4WD is sure nice sometimes, even if it does weigh over 2 tons... so i arrived in my Fergus home at almost exactly 1800, i ate some spaghetti, then took off for the Fargo-area. Kellie had invited me to spend the night at her parent's place, as she is house-sitting this weekend to keep their dog, 'Norm' company. So i drove way east of Moorhead to almost-Hawley and watched too much TV while eating ice-cream and banana bread, successfully spreading my vacation out for another day...

Today, Friday, 20020315.
i left Kellie's at around noon or so today, and arrived back at our apt at about 1300, maybe it was after noon that i left... uh... whatever. So here i sit at the end of a rather long 'daily' entry waiting for the tannins in my coffee/tea mug to solublize into some water in the hopes that i can be lazy and not use soap, and also eyeing an opened 1.5L Chianti sitting on the counter. Maybe after work i'll kick back, do some reading, and have a glass or two... i had left a message on JR's machine on the way to Kellie's saying we should do something this weekend, but if history serves as any guide: she will fail to return the call, in which case, i just might get the floor mopped/vacuumed, and my bathroom cleaned after all...

i need to win the lotto...



luckily i had to work early today so i was kind of forced into actually waking up, as i recall i've not slept less than 9 or 10 hours every night for the past week or so, good?-no, the truth is that i hate sleep, it's a waste of fucking time, and it's hard to feel good or 'right' with more than 6 or 7 hours, yet impossible to get less than 9 unless i've got some real ambition (ie work, school, etc.). too bad ambition is so hard to find...

anyway today i could have been on my way to Montana to ski with scheides, he'd invited me to go for a week my only cost: lift tics at 1/2 price.. why didn't i go?-you know it makes less and less sense that i didn't the more i think about it... i guess because on a certain level i probably feel really bad about not doing anything last week (except spend money), also there's always that nagging, in the back-of-my-head, excuse of missing school, which, really-who gives a fuck anyway? i'm on my last-year-of-class-powerslide where i don't do shit, and let my prior 200-whatever credits carry my GPA and lazy ass through the diploma line, it's not like 5 days of actually getting up early and studying wouldn't get over a month's worth of shit done... oh well... too late now, i've got to work and make some mullah pretty soon here before i start clinical rotations and will be unable to work anyway, so maybe it's for the best. i'm not really shopping for another torn ACL either...

Ha!-the plan for today?

  • Work: 0700-1600
  • possibly clean the apartment... uh... sometime
  • late-night supper: i'm thinking baked Penne, Banfi Chianti, garlic bread...
  • read 'Time,' 'Scientific American,' and some of 'the Two Towers.'
  • possibly do some short story writing...

speaking of writing, i've not written for the dark for quite a while, and on a certain level i've been really missing my darker half. For a long time i've known that on a very deep and fundamental innate facet i need to write, somehow i need to put vanishing ideas into permanency no matter their content. Whether i'm writing almost nothing for the dark because i'm spending so much of my time in the light, or whether i've been writing so much for the light because the forlorned tendrils of dispair have loosened their grasp of the brain that feeds their dark and distant passion, i cannot know. Writing is a lot like running or lifting weights, while many people spend their hours maintaining physical health my passion has always been one of mental upkeep, and like exercise one feels absolutely fucking shitty when he/she is unable to write for an extended period of time... i'm not sure why this is, it's not enkephalins, or beta-endorphins or anything of the sort, maybe the reward pathway is activated by writing, maybe it's a conditioned behavior, who knows... but i've oft thought that i must be in a state of being a little writing-deprived to write well for the dark, but then again there are many periods of time when i've written just tons of pieces in but a few days, i think i need to read up on some psychology or something so i can understand myself better...

anyway i would like to do some reading while sipping my tea before work, i'll probably write more tonight after i don't clean the apartment.



naturally i didn't end up cleaning yesterday, instead i cooked supper, drank too much Chianti, and subsequently did nothing until about 2230 when i drifted off to sleep on the couch. I awoke somewhat panic-stricken at a little after 0000, took out my contacts and slept for another 5 hours. How productive... so as i figured JR never returned my call, and i therefore ate alone. I called bewitched to see if she wanted to come over, but she was busy celebrating her sister's birthday, i don't really know anyone else in Fargo. Sometimes i think this lack of Fargo-friends is a semi-intentional decision on my part, as to give me no reason to ever want to stay here, and avoid any sort of moving-away-conflict later down the road, or sometimes i think it's just because i'm introverted and don't really care for meeting anyone, but really-who cares?-the point being that i don't have a lot of people i can cook for. I suppose i could have called Kellie, but she was still at her parents, i believe, and she doesn't like Italian food, so she might not have enjoyed it much. I wish i knew more female people to just hang out with, there's something inherently softer about the air of women than there ever is with males. It's not that i don't like hanging out with guys or anything (the vast majority of my friends are male) but sometimes i'm just more in the mood for that atmosphere of hanging out with a non-male. It's not romance, or lust, or anything of the sort, things are just different with a female around (especially if it's a high-strung, stressed out female, then it's a bad sort of 'different')...

anyway i'd say i'll write more after work, but employment really strangles any desire to do anything other than be a slave to the man, from my head... so like yesterday, perhaps tonight will be fruitless...



2 CDs will be released tomorrow that i want: GK (Gravity Kills), Superstarved; and KMFDM, ATTAK. Whether i actually purchase them soon though, i am still debating. I went to a couple of days ago and they were trying to charge over $18.00 for GK (pre-release sale), honestly, who the fuck charges almost 20 dollars for a single CD?-it's not about the money, $20 is a small amount to spend on something that pleases me as much as music, but it's about principle, who the hell is getting that money?-it's not like Matt & Doug are getting a few extra bucks from me, more like's pockets will deepen so they can afford more NT boxes to mailspam me, and the RIAA gets a few extra dollars to spend a couple million on suing people like my brother for having 'illegal' .mp3s because he sure as hell doesn't have $20 to spend on every CD he likes. The fucking record people are so damn stupid, if they'd charge $10.00 per CD (a perfectly feasible price) they'd ultimately make money. Consider this: if i'm a 14-year old kid what kind of music does my young and impressionable mind like?-EVERYTHING!-kids love anything and everything they listen to, sure people will always hate shitty music like country and soul-less, depthless mullet-rock, but generally people at a younger age are a lot more willing to just buy anything they think they might like. How do i know this?-i was 14 not too many years ago, and i know lots of people who still act like they're a decade younger than their bodies portray. Aside from the anecdotal evidence however, is the fact that much of the highest moving music sales today is geared toward the young-adolescent; Britney Spears, N'sync, et al, if you're reading this in a couple of years you're probably laughing, yea their music sucks, yes they suck, but they're (sometimes the artists, but most of the time RIAA scoundrels) the ones laughing all the way to the bank, i can still remember people like MC Hammer, New Kids On The Block, and all their various genre counterparts being absolutely enormous during my younger years, the record industry made an absolute killing from the pre-tennie market. How many 23 year old misanthropes do you think are running out and buying the new N'sync album?-i can't think of any either... For me, personally the $20 isn't that big a deal to me, the number of CDs i'll purchase is not limited by my pocketbook specifically, but by the number of CDs that i actually like, balanced by the fact that i hate the recording industry and i don't want to give them any money. But if i was living on a $20/week allowance and i want CDs i probably will only be able to afford 1 or 2 a month (especially if they're all $18.00), and thus my collection remains small and narrow in genre/style, i never expand my musical tastes, and when i'm a 23 year old corp.-aphobe and still spending money on bands i am loyal to with my expanded income, the number of CDs purchased will remain forever influenced by their expense during my younger, brand-loyalty building days. If i didn't own any Gravity Kills, NIN, Manson, KMFDM, SP, U2, etc, etc. CDs do you think i would be buying any now?-fuck no, a large reason for me liking this music is because it's what i grew up with and it is with this genre that i can identify, what would entice me to buy more CDs?-probably nothing, and therefore as a consumer standpoint my piece of the profits pie is fucked and hopeless. The company can do nothing to gain profits from me other than raise the prices, which simply forces me to purchase more used CDs instead of new ones, and causes the younger generation to shy further away from a future of CD buying. i purchase based upon talent, and there just are not enough talented artists currently being exploited by the industry to support their lawyers and coffers from the likes of customers like me. The bottom line: $20.00 for Gravity Kills, i buy a copy, my brother burns it and gives a burned copy to all his friends; $10 for GK, i buy a copy, he buys a copy, and many of his friends do too. Fucking stupid conglomerant media bastards...

so here's my rant on the RIAA: why are .mp3s popular? Because free audio actually empowers the consumer, and it eliminates the need to buy a CD from a 1-hit wonder band. If i'm at a party i can plug in a laptop jukebox and create a 500-song play-list and leave out all the crappy SW Darkest Days songs, while including the ones i/we really enjoy. Try to do this with CDs and actually have music that flows, every 5 minutes a shitty song's either being interrupted to be skipped to the next one, or 60 second lags in music altogether become commonplace as people are continually changing the playing CDs from a plethora of disorganized cases. Sure if i own 100 CDs i can rip/emulate them all into .mp3 format and legally put them on a laptop or a in-house fileserver, but then if all i listen to are the .mp3s what incentive is there for me to ever actually buy the CD in the first place? Yea, yea, people need money, commercialism, incentive to make music, blah, blah, blah... how much money does an artist make from the sale of a CD he/she doesn't own any rights to? Sure if he/she continues to actually own my music they'll acquire profits from the sale of a CD, but do record labels just skim a little off the top?-no, they want the whole damn thing, so when i buy a CD what am i supporting?-the band?-maybe a little, but i'm mostly just encouraging a bunch of corporate elitist-rapists to exploit more people that care a whole lot about their music than getting paid. And legal?-who gives a fuck?-what the hell does legal have to do with anything?- oral sex is illegal in many states, do people practice oral sex? Driving 60mph down an empty county road with a 55mph speed limit is illegal, J-walking is illegal, in many cities it is illegal to drive down the same street more than once in a 2-hour period (yes Fargo is one of these cities), in Fargo it's also illegal to yell in the streets of a residential neighborhood, etc. etc. Legality is not synonymous with ethicality no matter how much corporate law-buyers make them out to be verbally interchangeable. Consumers do not exist solely for the existence of large corporate conglomerates, the relationship should, by its very nature, be mutualistic, or at the very least, commensalistic, but never as parasitic as the record industry has become. Such an industry serves no greater social purpose, and impedes the flow of artistic expression, consumer freedom and free thought. Why does the RIAA wage a war against .mp3?-because without their current model of distributive monopoly their organization has nothing it can offer to consumers to support its multi-billion dollar annual industry. Why will .mp3 ultimately win?-information is power, expression and ultimately freedom; we don't want to be told what music's good by asshole lawyers and boardroom executives; we don't want to pay $20 for a CD we think might be good without any way to minimize our losses if it sucks ('fuck you, you already gave us your money' will be the ultimate response of 'the man' if you try to bring any CD back to a store because it sucks); people don't exist to support organizations which limit their choices-and the industry knows it, this is why .mp3 will win, and the multi-billion dollar monopoly will ultimately re-invent itself, or ultimately fall. There are 300M Davids in this country, and but 1 Goliath.

today: hang out, go to class at 1830, and otherwise do nothing... i wish this school-year could just be over...

i wrote an piece for the dark yesterday, the first time in a long while, sometimes i long for depression and hopelessness, and sorrow. It's funny: all of the wishing and wanting to just be 'normal' my entire life yet deep down inside i can never be like everyone else as i perceive them. i don't know that i can ever be intrinsically satisfied with my life, or sustainably happy. The blessings seem to come and go flying circles around a weary core of burning uncertainty and desire, yet seemingly outside the reach of anyone who has ever touched this life. The core i keep hidden, sheltered, and stifled, not to protect me, but to protect those i love. Like a spinning singularity it could tear their worlds into a fiery accretion disc being slowly devoured by the strange depthless hole lurking behind my eyes. The words i write and the life i live can do little justice to the force lurking, hidden, and everything pales in comparison to the purity of the feeling, and realization that it is this smoldering nothingness which drives all that i do, the light, the dark, everything just offspring of the force, and the hole, and the inexplicable feeling of not that lives so deep inside. Sometimes i forget it's there and feel freed from the chains of my own standards, in the company of others, or under the influence of drink, sometimes i wrestle for a seeming eternity with the feelings it draws up inside, and sometimes it becomes me, and drives all that i do. Some people can draw up this thing with the ease of their breath while some have never seen the hole that would so eagerly devour, so many avenues to express my darkest secret, between lines of logic or love it screams to all that would hear its wail, and is missed by those whom have never felt its touch. It is might and mystery and magic, it gives everything and so easily could take it all away, and thus i, i write this because it lurks inside. i share my ideas at its whim, i dream of all the greater things it seems to offer, yet my salvation is my sacrifice, and although i am freer than most men, i am forever a slave unto myself, unto the core.



so my boots came today, they're way, way sweet and far better built than either of my prior two pair; the construction is heavier with a more thorough attention to precision, their thicker with more layers of various patented materials (instead of just leather), and they just feel better balanced on my feet, even though they're new and haven't conformed to the peculiarities of tid242 just yet...

Of course after buying them though i have some reservations, i mean the things seem simply amazing, i can't tell if i'm trudging through snow or walking down the hallway-my feet always feel the same, their design for ruggedness is evidenced by the comfort they exude in all walks of life. I could be an artic commando and leave them on for weeks, or hunt pigmy midgets in the greater Congo, trudging through rivers of water and driver-ants with scarcely a heel ache or a toe blister... taken as a whole though, i'm just not sure that i need this sort of protection for working in a hospital or going to school, everyone else i know has sweat-ship Nike's and seems to do fine. It seems much akin to those idiots that used to go 'fishing' by tossing sticks of trinitrotoluene into the water and plucking the killed fish from the floating surface, or those idiots that get 3 quarter ton trucks to take their kids shopping at the mall, or someone like my brother trying to become 'educated' at a place like NDSU... when one stands back and thinks about it; he/she thinks: is this really logical or necessary?- but like wearing an RGM skeletonized chronograph, or driving a GT2 to the parent's place, one also happens upon the 'logical?-who fucking cares about logical?' mentality. i want it all: arctic commando-capible boots double declutching my turbo flat-6 while my RGM-clad wrist connects the white knuckle-clenched leather-bound steering wheel to my brain that's in the process of thinking i'm late for supper with my dad. And my mom too since i'm wishing i suppose...

a cure for the common cold:
the magnetic north pole is shifting at an unbelievable rate, not quite as unbelievable as a pole-reversal where everything on the planet becomes mutated, fried, and primitive tribal superstitions overwhelm the senses of idiotic masses who sacrifice the mental health of their children to appease something that could just save them from 'the end...' oh wait, that last thing is already happening and has been for the past couple of thousand of years... but anyway according to some CNN story today the magnetic north pole will no longer be in northern Canada by as soon as 2004, and will reside in Siberia by 2050, pretty fucking crazy eh? What exactly does this mean?- Fargo will still be too cold to ever be comfortable. So there are many definitions of the common cold, whether it be from a rather large number of different viruses which may invade the URT of individuals thus increasing the expression of ICAM1 and all its brethren thereby increasing mucus production and inflammation, and ultimately keeping beautiful women from wanting to have anything to do with me, actually i don't really get colds, but have year-round allergies which achieve the same end... the common cold may also be defined as all of the 'warm-mid-west' sentiments anyone of obvious non-scandinavian persuasian will encounter simply by existing in a part of the country full of mid-westerners, ignorant glances by people who still believe that people of color don't exist outside stupid TV sidekicks, and jesus is a person who knows each and every dumb-ass personally and forgives them for beating up their wives and having too many children, yes the common feeling of icy eyes clawing up your back, the common cold. Or since i am in North Dakota where it's cold like 99% of the year and way too fucking hot the remaining days it's very common to be cold. i've decided that the best cure for this is exercise... seriously, whenever you feel cold do sit-ups and push-ups until you are physically unable to do them anymore, you will find when you're done that you're no longer feeling chilly. People can also elect to not shave their heads, it's very drafty with no hair. I'm not a huge fan of many pork products.

what did the previous paragraph have to do with anything?-absolutely nothing.

interesting thought:
what's more healthy: having sex, masturbating, or watching TV? Now for argument's sake we'll assume that having sex does not involve having unprotected sex or sex with more than one individual in any given month-long time span. Physically i think it's quite obvious that masturbating is the safest of these 3 practices. Sex is generally far less than 100% safe, STDs, freak accidents, etc. TV is not inherently unsafe except that people watch waaay too much, it's kind of a no-brainer that dyslipidemia, diabetes, and obesity are not very physically safe conditions to have. If i had to rate the three in order of increasing danger i would say: Masturbation, Sex, TV. Economically safe: well masturbating generally doesn't cost very much ( nothing), sex can lead people to spend their money on stupid shit for other people, the degree of this depends upon the situation-but generally there's a more-or-less mutual return for any investment made, and hey!-at least there's some social interaction going on in any event, and Sex is in and of itself, rather cheap (assuming you don't get pregnant). TV, so you pay $50 a month for cable, spent $300 on the TV, and then watch commercials that tell you to buy stuff... intuitively TV is not cheap. So again, Masturbation, Sex, TV. Opportunity cost: how long does it take to masturbate?-less time than sex, and probably shorter than that hour-long 'when good animals go bad' special you wanted to watch on the Fox network. And so on and so forth, yet rank the social acceptability of these three practices.

do i know what i'm talking about?-no.



so darthmullet and i have been pondering the idea of 'getting the internet at our apt' (don't you love it when people say "we have the internet in our house"-really, holy shit!?-that's a lot of server farms...anyway)-we've been toying with the fact that we pay $20/month for a metered phone-line that neither of us use other than to give to businesses we don't want calling us (movie rental places, govn't agencies, NDSU people, etc) when we both want inet access and to just ditching our Qwest line, thus fucking the bastards out of a free $20/month... we'd get an SDSL but they've not offered this service in any of the 3 different places i've lived in Fargo for over the past 3 years, yes it's "available" but i could never acquire this service, kind of defeats the whole idea of something being "available." "Oh, you can't get that yet, but we'll call you when you can."-when will that be? "I'm not sure, they don't tell us, but the computer says that your area is under expansion."-so like w/i the next 3 months, 5 years, decade, century, what? "i would expect within the next 5-10 years."-great because i'm going to be living in a fucking Fargo apt. for the rest of my life, why don't you call yourself instead and remind the sheep on the other end to get a real job?-so anyway specs! 400/128, cannot run any services (ftp, http, etc.), $44/month ISP/bandwidth, $5/month to rent hardware, plus they provide a bunch of stupid shit to help them sell the service: 7 e mail addresses for example, yea because i want to be instead of using,,,, or any of the plethora of domain names owned by myself and my entourage of masked bandits. They do give a free 20MB of webspace though, which is cool because we could use it for an image/high_bandwidth_item server source since there's only 256up at the server-house... so 'broadband' (if you consider 400/128 broad, i might have 5 years ago...) for $50/month, sounds reasonable...

so the apartment's really fucking cold right now, it's hard to type with cold fingers, some people say that it's cold when it's below 72F or room temp (76F, ever thought it odd that 'room temp' is actually a quantifiable standard, so if it's 76 degrees it's 'room temp,' if it's 75 it is not...) darthmullet and i generally like it cooler than this, like 70 perhaps... it's been pretty cold lately and i've left my window partly open, i think it must be almost 60 in here, it's a bit drafty on my shaved & hairless head...

speaking of shaving heads:
for the record i should say that having a shaved head is one of the best feelings ever, it just feels so neat and clean, like i just stepped out of the shower every minute of the day, or that feeling of finally shaving off a scraggly old beard, or probably like shaving your legs (maybe i should try that sometime to know what it's like, one of my legs was shaved once to have surgery, but it was wintertime so couldn't flash 'em around quite as i'd wanted to...). and if you're someone like me whose fucking hot all the time it's an easy way to not be sweating in short sleeves in a room where everyone else is wearing sweaters and turtle-necks. Does anyone else think 'turtlenecks' should be called 'foreskin necks?' especially with those butch haircuts army guys have that makes their blond hair look like a coronal ridge...

so i've wanted to be multilingual for quite some time but i've never really had the time to learn a different language in the past few years, i was thinking this morning about the fact that i have way too much time on my hands these days and that i should spend my time learning Italian or something, instead of playing D2 for multiple hours until 0400. languages i would like to learn (in relative order of personal importance) Japanese (so that i may one day see the homeland), Italian, German, French, Portuguese, Spanish (not Mexican Spanish but rather Spanish Spanish(that's kind of funny, 'Spanish' is really an adjective yet it's proper to use it as a noun too)), although i may elect to learn Italian first. Anything Italian is just inherently magical, mystical, and beautiful-there's something just, well, Italian about Chianti, Ferrari, Penne, Mozzarella et al. i was also thinking earlier today that i needed to marry someone from either Japan or Italy, not that i ever really plan on being married...

da, so bewitched, darthmullet and i are perhaps going to go out tonight... should be cool, unless i get ditched...

fucking shit, darthmullet just called, i got ditched, why are things only ironically funny when i'm getting fucked over?

it must be below 60 in here, i'm gonna' have to shut the window



haha! So darthmullet did not ditch us yesterday, but rather rolled into town at about 2100, we (we=bewitched, darthmullet, and myself) trekked out to Bennies at about 2200 or so and waited to sit down for probably about 10-15 minutes as it's 'mug night' on Thursdays when millions of budlight-loving mullets filled with greed and a strange need of shitty beer all migrate to Bennies in their enormous trucks with even more enormous gallon-sized-plastic trashy gas station mugs designed to hold 2L bottles of one's favorite carbonated beverage (Mountain Dew is a mullet male favorite, while diet-caffiene-free-extra-food-coloring-sacrin-supersaturated-toxic Dew is a mullet male's mate favorite) on long rock-climbing trips to gravel pits and Chevy vs. Ford truck engine revving showdowns. Anyway yesterday was Thursday... and the weekly mullitude infiltrate of bennigans was no less than every other week. Fucking mullets... but anyway we got there at probably 2215 or so, and by 2330 darthmullet remembered he had to go to beth's soon so our night got cut sort of short, but no big deal i'd had 25 oz of Guinness so my limbic abuse centers were satisfied. Bewitched and i stayed up until 0200 eating ice cream and watching some supposedly live opera in New York, which we weren't so sure was live being that it was 0300 in NY at the time and there was a glitch in the tape of whatever machine was playing the 'live' show. i wasn't aware that when things were broadcast live they come from a magnetic tape...

but anyway yesterday night turned out pretty decent.

Superstarved and ATTAK arrived today, i think i'm going to write a review for both of them to be posted on, these will be my very first reviews of anything (and probably the very first reviews overall for this site), we need to get our shit kicked-off in regard to .html for all of mordant's subsidiaries, the best way to do this is to write, write, write! Fucking crazy, so i've been spending all of my writing time on this website and there's just a shitload of material to create for all the websites, so it's also my goal to write a personal profile-type-thing for by the end of this weekend, this is going to be our screw-off fuck-around site filled with just whacked-ass shit, tid242 will have a house in the village, but i'm thinking of having someone else live there, an entity which i can use to be entirely non-serious, and tid242's presence being mostly in a community church as the religious village leader.. we'll see what happens in any event. But i want the name 'tid242' to invoke a sense of seriousness and uncompromisability (is that a word?). Anyway with contributors like SMEAT!, scheides, reddog, et. al one really cannot possibly go wrong, i have such an amazing group of friends i am just continually amazed at our continued continuity, understanding, acceptance, and genuine concern for each other, and i so oft feel totally blessed and thankful that i am a part of this family. And fucking mankeyvillage is going to rock hardcore.

i don't work this entire weekend, so hopefully i can get off my lazy ass tomorrow perhaps and pump out voluminous amounts of quality word salad...

i've noticed for whatever reason i've written a shitload for the light this month, i'm not exactly sure why but, i'm going to cut loose for tonight and write some other stuff, i also wrote about 5 or 6 pieces for the dark this week too, so at least there's some balance... i'll write more later, for now i'm switching to my Chianti-drinking short story mode...

i still want to learn Italian, i learned yesterday that Concordia (a fucking private fucking Christian college in Moorhead) offers Italian classes during the school-year, i would have actually taken them if i'd known this when registering...




my weekend of not working, not traveling has so far been uneventful, yesterday the only going-out experience i had was dinner at a place downtown called 'Café Aladdin' with Kellie, now this place was pretty cool, they serve there some sort of Middle Eastern food although i was unable to catch the exact country of origin. It was kind of strange because while the food was all authentic tasting and very very good, everything was served on Styrofoam plates and eaten with plastic forks, it would actually have 'tasted' much better had it been on china and silver... but anyway the setup there is pretty interesting as well, it's a fairly bare and cold ex-bakery-looking place with cheap break-room chairs (picture a break room at a place like McDonalds or something) and a bunch of olives, and goat cheeses soaking in liquids in the display case. there was only one person working there and looked over menus and ordered at the till, i ordered a spinach and feta cheese pie since it sounded good and it had a little picture of a heart by it in the menu (heart is universally used to denote a 'CV-healthy' meal), it turned out to be one of the greasiest meals i've eaten in a long time (excluding those enormous bowls of ice cream the other day) as the 'pie' denoted a flaky pastry-type thing that was absolutely wonderful. Kellie ordered some sort of ground red meat over rice, i couldn't ascertain whether it was lamb or beef as it was heavily spiced with something zingy (as in NaCl zing not capsaicin zing). Anyway it was pretty cool and probably the highlight of my exciting day.

darthmullet purchased a waffle iron yesterday at Target, so on the way home beside checking my e mail i picked up some waffle mix (yea we're instant whores) and some milk, so today it's waffles for breakfast.... mmmmm.... last night at about midnight darthmullet came home and we halved a bottle of wine each, expect a review for ftm, signal15's private stock (unknown vintage)... fucking good merlot.

anyway i wanted to write some about the quantification of america as it's been on my mind for the past 12 hours or so, but perhaps later today...



it wasn't horribly long ago that i just finished a 2-hour supper of ribeye, couscous, steamed beans, and Chianti with darthmullet and Beth. This was the first time i'd eaten grilled food in quite some time, otherwise today was spent predominantly sitting around, although i did go out briefly to barnes and noble to spend my non-existent dollar, i ended up purchasing a copy of the Economist, CAR, and 3 books on how to speak Italian. As i said a couple of days ago: i've decided to learn Italian-my language butchering skills aren't doing enough damage in my native tongue, so i feel the need to corrupt the most beautiful languages i can think of in a tour de force of ignorant cultural disrespect. Italiano is ground zero! But seriously i've always wanted to be multilingual, so i guess i'm finally starting on a long road to insanity. Generally i would like to be fluent in many languages for the sake of creating works in a very broad and holistic manner, understanding more of the world and culture around me, as well as also decreasing any sort of base of readers who can actually somewhat follow the multitude of ideas intwined in my writings (i'm talking about the dark) by a factor of 10, hell: i'll shoot for 1000. what better way to stumble through a sentence and muse on hundreds of tangents than to be unable to figure out in which context foreign words are used. The idea just seems very romantic to me, and always has...

Anyway, i just got done writing my first review for on the bottle of merlot signal15 gave me a long time ago, i had originally wanted to write about Americans being slaves to quanta, but now i'm just feeling really drained (especially being that it's 0300). i have a test on Wednesday, and another on Thursday, so i'm really not certain how much time i'll be spending this week on the light... we'll see i guess. i've also been thinking this week about any potential updates to along with the posting of this month's entries, i would really like to bring project II in the dark up to speed, but that's really a lot of transcription. This week is Easter break, which seems funny because i didn't think government-supported institutions could assert religious affiliation, but being that apparently the separation of church and state isn't important we do not have school on either Friday or Monday. Perhaps Thursday night then will be my day of typing up a zillion poems. Like i said: we'll see.



so i'm not really sure why i thought i was so damn busy this week when i wrote last night, my first test isn't until Wednesday, tomorrow i'm apparently meeting with a school group to interview someone at 0900, then working on into the night, etc. etc. but what it amounts to is really only like 2 or 3 days when i'll be occupied for most of the day...

today we learn of which rotations we have for school next year aka. Where we will be working for free, i'm guessing i'll be in Fargo for roughly 6 months and away/abroad for the remaining half year, i'm pretty excited to know, but i don't think there will be much in the way of surprises (hopefully).

the thought of the moment: life is inappropriately quantified:
how much, how many, for how long? How often do you ask yourself these questions in a typical day? (no pun intended) As the commercialistic jungle encroaches upon our lives with writhing vines and luring plentitude we start to become a part of the jungle and live wildly, though we feel we're taming the beast the tables are turned full circle and we find ourselves under the yolk of ownership. Walk into any bookstore anywhere, what are they selling? Are they selling pieces of paper with writing on them?-no, they're selling ideas, the end products of peoples' lives, they're selling people. How does one put a price on an idea?-on someone's life? Too much of life is spent in the quest for numbers, money most of all. Living in the jungle the distinction between a need and a desire become grossly blurred and tangled upon itself creating pockets of needs which become desires and desires, needs. The intrinsically unquantifiable is sold by greedy overlords and taskmasters in a video porn shop, TV terminal, or People magazine near you. By achieving the very lifestyles we pursue we find that our lives become only more quantifiable: pay-scale, percentage yield, benefits, insurance, miles to work, number of children, kwh, days in a weekend, etc. etc. These are the very things which are smiled upon in our culture, we love quantity, this is so utterly apparent by the enormous gas hogs we drive, generous mansions, and ignorant collections of expensive, yet worthless things. Go to any public place and ask someone what their shirt, the book s/he's reading, or the latte s/he's drinking is worth, what will s/he tell you? "You like it?-thanks, they were on sale for $15 at the Gap," their book is a collection of paper purchased at a book-chain, and her/his appreciation of his/her latte correlates with the tip left with the grindersteamerpresserbrewermixercashier at the register. If you press more deeply and say: "no, not in dollars, what's it WORTH to you?" s/he'll fidget nervously with a frightened look in his/her eyes and stammer: "i d.don't know what you're asking, you want to buy my shirt?" Very few people's eyes will spring to life as he/she says: "you know, it's funny you should ask, to sit here drinking my mocha breve next to the window with the sun and the squirrels outside, in my favorite shirt while reading a damn good book...these are the days i just wish it could be right now forever, it's worth everything and it's worth nothing, but it sure as hell puts a smile on my face." To receive a response of such would be a real treat, i'd want to sit down and talk to this person for a while, if he/she was interested, and perhaps share something personal. But really, how often does this opportunity arise? What is a close friend worth? What are the words "i love you" valued at when said by someone you care deeply for?-would you betray these moments, sell them for a thousand dollars? A million? Would you consider it? It's said quite frequently that people are cheap, and really we are, not because we're inherently worthless, but because we do not place value upon ourselves and consider something fundamentally unquantifiable as being essentially without worth, what is a day of your life worth to you? 10 hours on a paycheck? The intellectual consumption of a good book, the completion of that model car that's been sitting half-finished on your workbench for the past 2 months? How much money would you pay to say you've read Tolstoy?-is it more than what you'd make working for the several days it would take to devour 'War and Peace?' A good night's sleep next to someone you care about and fresh-from-the-farm eggs over home-made bread in the morning, is that worth not working for a day? Our largest social folly is the attempt to find a concrete value for everything in a dynamic and highly individualized life, we have a nagging feeling that our lives are more than the sum of our paychecks, yet lack any measure or expression for asserting this to the people around us, and have difficulty trying to determine where we individually fit on our peers' scale of worth, deserving of love, undeserving of bliss, underpaid, overpaid, etc. etc. While the fulfillment of social needs is universally renowned as being a 'good' thing to do, society looks down upon people doing just that due only to the fact that they don't make a lot of money. Does anyone look down on Bill Gates? i kind of doubt it, he's someone we look up to simply because he's worth billions of dollars, is he some sort of god?-if i crack a joke and he laughs does that make me more of a person than if the server at Red Lobster laughed at my joke? Despite the fact that Mr. Gates acquired his money from fucking people out of theirs since the get-go, and by girdling a market dry and shaking any decency from its potentially fruitful limbs so as to become a supreme monopolist, doesn't seem to sway our faith in Gates being a person to look up to and strive to become. i'll give you 5, 100, 6500, well 6500 what?-dollars, happy days of life, home-cooked meals, coffee stoli white Russians, which of these could you honestly offer me, which of these could you honestly offer yourself? And what's realizing this worth?



another end of the month, another day of rent, another unit inspection at work today, another 2 issues of TIME, the Economist, one more issue of CAR, 4 new episodes of most TV shows, 20 re-runs, 2 paychecks for 20 days of working in just another insignificant yet highly quantisized span of time. life's a drag 99% of the time.

Tuesday and Wednesday, 26 & 27, respectively:
Nothing but school and work, TPN test on the 27 th, blah, blah, blah...

Thursday 28:
Fanfun trekked up here even though darthmullet wasn't getting back until late that night (i think he got back at around 0100 or so). It was nice to see him again, we purchased some locally-baked bread (Asiago+sundried_tom & an apple streusel loaf) from a breadshop on south university, and we baked some penne and drank a bottle of Chianti while spending the entire night talking politics and complaining about GW bush. In other news fanfun and Katie are getting married!-pretty soon too, this summer in a small-town church just outside of Fergus Falls where fanfun currently lives and Katie just accepted a job. So that's pretty interesting to hear, but pretty obvious if she's taking a job in Fergus Falls and presently lives in the Minneapolis/st_paul area...

Friday 29:
Pretty much a time-killer day, darthmullet, fanfun, UAIOE, Anne and i ate waffles in the morning, then UAIOE, Anne and fanfun all took off at about 1100 or so to fulfill Easter familial obligations. darthmullet and i spent most of the day lounging around and just being lazy; we read some books and drank some caffeine at Barnes & Noble, picked up some feeders for the KnifeFish (who has yet to be named), and thinking about supper. Earlier in the day we got our cablemodem installed, talk about a totally pain-free experience!-a guy shows up, he runs some wires, we plug&play, the browser takes us directly to a sign-up page, we call an 800 number, get verified, and we are online, all in about 30 minutes. While i hate the cable industry due to their cheap brain mush-i-fier TV, they are a lot more responsive to our needs, as consumers, than Qwest has ever been. Speaking of Qwest: they can pay off their $1b debt without any contributions from us; Friday was also the day we disconnected our phone. My exit interview was nice too:

  • "do you have a mobile phone?" -"yes"
  • "is it from Qwest or one of our competitors?" -"one of your competitors, your service isn't offered here, and i've heard it's poor."
  • "Do you have internet access?" -"not through you guys, we'd been trying to acquire a DSL for the past 3 years in 3 different locations, and finally gave up and got a cablemodem."
  • "is there any particular reason you're canceling your service?" -"well, it's too expensive for us to justify having it, and we don't like Qwest."
  • "is there any specific instance that caused you to dislike Qwest?" -"no, we just don't really like you guys, you're too expensive, unresponsive to our needs, and don't offer the services we consider important."
  • etc. etc. etc.

so that's no more free money from us to pay for a line we use only to get telemarketing calls. Qwest is just a shitty phone company, since they've acquired US west, our previous area provider, the fees and rates have increased dramatically while service as a whole has declined under their corporate girth...

Anyway, Friday night was spent writing a wine review comparing 2 different vintages of KJ (because we suspect the company is moving down the field instead of up it), that'll probably eventually be posted on actually nevermind, i just had will register, so they'll probably eventually end up there. That night we ate Halibut, white rice with nori & shoyu, and green beans. It was a pretty decent supper, darthmullet was a lot more into playing Diablo with UAIOE than eating, so i think i was a lot more enthused about the meal than he was... oh well...

this weekend it's just working and being bored, reddog's sleeping on our couch right now being that he's visiting his old stomping ground for the week's end.

i'm not so sure about when this is all going to be posted as of right now, i've got a couple of tests next week and may end up in Minneapolis for the weekend, if i'm here in fucking Fargo i'll be able to do some .html and post v. within a week, if not... well, we'll see.

gotta run, see you next week.



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