ok, it's been a long time, a really long time, i'm not so sure how it's been 3 weeks since i've last written. i haven't been up to much, well pretty much nothing at all just neglecting a lot of stuff. I guess on some respects it could be said that i've been neglecting life these past few weeks: piles of dirty clothes beg to be washed, people call because the haven't heard from me, i haven't left Fargo, etc. Maybe this all is like being what i perceive 95% of people to be like, dead for all intensive purposes. i don't have anything profound or enlightening to say right now, as i don't feel like anything in my life has happened of any significance in the past 3 weeks (sorry to whomever i did stuff with in the past 3 weeks). FYI i am going to S. Africa next year, in February, actually, along with dena8 and another of our classmates, actually my entire schedule for next year is all done, and was done for v., so maybe i'll post this sometime. I came to the realization during my withdrawn apathy that project II (in the dark) is dead, so i think for v. i will close out this project and start III, perhaps there's been a shift in my emotional perspective, i don't know, but i've felt for the past several months that the content/style of project II was no longer fitting what i've been feeling inside.

the thought for the day:
so i'm sure you've gathered for quite a while that i'm Atheist, i mean i've never come out and said it, but i've inferred it a zillion times, and if you haven't picked up on my allusions then you're a complete fucking moron. Within this past week around NDSU i've noticed shit-loads of people (somewhat literally) wearing bright orange shirts with the words 'I Agree With Jon' on the front; i'm thinking to myself: 'who the fuck is jon?' on Tuesday myself and one of my classmates stopped a scrawny & miskept-looking girl with an arm in a sling with the words 'I Agree With Jon' tattooed to an ugly orange shirt covering a probably a disgustingly pale wirey body with lots of gross hair.
'Do you agree with jon?' we asked,
'yes i do,' she replied, in an annoyingly nasal voice.
'So then....what is it exactly you agree with?'
'it's a long story, do you really want to know?'
"yea, we wanna' know what the hell this jon-guy's all about"
'well jon believes that god created the earth in 7 days, and....'
'OK! That's all we wanted to know' and we turned our back to her and walked away.
upon further (limited) research this jon fellow is apparently some sort of Christian literalist who faithfully believes a bunch of illogical ideas put forth in a book re-interpreted a zillion times over. But the actually alarming thing about this whole 'i agree with jon' thing isn't that people believe stupid fucking things, people always do that, but that many of these people are otherwise intelligent individuals that i know. A couple of my classmates were garbing themselves in this apparel, i mean one of them thinks Ford Explorers are great vehicles, so i figured there may be something intrinsically wrong with him, but the other is a nice, smart, and down-to-earth guy who you'd otherwise expect to not believe in such rubbish. Being that i'm a dick i had Will register '' if i/we decide i/we like it it'll be pulled over by the mordant collective. ANYWAY, the point to all of this is, it's gotten me thinking about religion again, GRRRRRRR. Nothing has historically been a greater burden or toxin to my mind, religion.

i was raised in a small Minnesota town within a church (not literally, but you know what i mean), although i always said i believed in god there was always something unsettling about the entire idea, maybe not the idea itself, but moreso the way this idea manifested itself in culture and the fallible ways in which individuals and institutions tried to justify the logic of this idea. When i was very young i was content with simplistic answers, and i engaged in the self delusion of thinking things happened the way they did because my avatar designed them that way: 'hey, i found a dollar!! Wow!!-thanks god!' 'man i skinned my knee, must have been because i didn't pray enough yesterday, i'm sorry god' etc. etc. but as i started to mature and grow, both in years and in intellect the idea of god did not. By holding onto this idea i felt i was forced to hold onto simplicity, absolutism, and in essence, childhood. In me this conflict bred intolerance and resentment for everyone around me, i can remember feeling that few people truly believed in god, i mean sure, everyone says they do, but the ways in which people lived did not suggest at that time that it could be according to god's will. (i still have plenty of intolerance, although less-so hatred, than i used to today, but that will be explained later) i still feel pretty strongly on this point, however, and i've found that living a good life is not exclusive to any particular group of people, regardless of their belief system. In retrospect much of what i believed i did so out of fear, habit, and trust in adults, many of which i'm sure i've passed intellectually, philosophically, and theologically many years ago. when i turned 16, like all real people in this small-town i got a job, i worked as a bus-boy at a 24/7 restaurant working mostly late-nights and weekends. Up until this time i had gone to church on Sundays more-or-less regularly but after i started working i was bussing tables until 0200-0300 or working from 0700-0400 on Sunday morning, so i started to miss church, and it became a habit to not go. i did this for probably about a year or so not really thinking much about religion. This was the only period in my life thus far where i feel i have been truly free from religion, simply because i didn't think about it at all (apart from my life-long 'people don't live what they preach' assertion), during this time i also got to know SMEAT! who has always been animatedly atheist as long as i've known him, and throughout my relationship with him i came to the conclusion that it was absolutely ok to not be Christian, that people are free to believe whatever they want, and that justifying what you believe is the most important part of your belief. Now this last part was probably the most important realization i came to, it's something i've always believed but had never really come to the conclusion that i'd believed it until this time. It was at this time when i started to assess things religiously for myself and i came up with several key issues i'd always been dissatisfied with:

  • heaven & hell: most people on earth were going to hell (most people on earth are not Christians), besides the fact that the system of saving people was obviously failing horribly, the idea of 'forever' is clearly fallible (time is not linear, and not infinite), and that many of the people going to hell believed much more strongly and dedicatedly to their beliefs than most of the christian people going to heaven; a clearly huge flaw in even the simplest of logic was evident by the fact that most people going to heaven would go there without someone they cared about because he/she went to hell. So if heaven is blissful the person would either have to not know the person went to hell (aka be lied to) or stop caring (which doesn't make sense in a religion promoting love)-either way it seemed heaven would be a worse place to reside than earth...
  • justifications for believing the christian teachings by leaders of the faith didn't ever seem to make logical sense, and many religious 'rules' especially rules of Catholicism, perhaps the most pure flavor of the christian faiths, did not support obvious social benefit, a good example of this is the catholic church's stance on birth control. Furthermore on a more micro level religious teachers could never seem to acknowledge the fallibility of their own justifications, how often it was said to me that life is rare, but there's life on earth-so therefore there has to be a god, or that god is forever so that's the only way that cause-effect can extend forever as well, etc, etc. And lastly religion does very little good in the real world, but is at the center of many, many bads-so why would a divine doctrine be in place which ultimately hurts many people for the good of the few?-in this regard it's no wonder religion coincides so well with capitalism. And on this point alone i would boycott religion even if i did believe, one more soul going to hell would be a small price to pay for the statement it would project.
  • generally the ideas governing the idea of god, and the idea itself don't make a whole lot of sense logically, nor scientifically.

now these are just 3 very broad and distinct points (fallible in and of themselves, but i don't feel like writing a book, and i'm talking about my personal beliefs, not writing an argumentative essay), but despite the fact that there were hundreds of individual problems i had with the christian belief system the major reason i did not like Christianity was simply that it did not 'sit well' with me, it was not congruent with who i was, or ultimately what i felt was important. The only reason i could think of to be christian was that i had always identified myself as one, and that this is what i was told or assumed to be by everyone i had ever met, which, naturally is a poor reason to base one's life on something. So somewhere around my 17 th year of life i formally became an atheist.

Being atheist does not mean an absence of belief or of faith, i believe in science and have faith that knowledge will ultimately unlock the door religion had originally strove to open, i have faith in a handful of people, i believe it's important to grow and become continually more aware and analytical of one's surroundings. i believe that religion is a fundamental choice everyone must make within our current system of religious majority, i do not think that an institution can ever successfully tell me what to believe, nor should anyone feel this way, if one does not think he/she is a waste of life.

On belief:
If people cannot justify what the believe they have no right to believe it. i do not believe that people have a right to believe whatever they want, this may sound intolerant, but i must be honest. If i am unable to justify an idea why would i promote it? The way the thought process works is generally very hypothesis-driven: we observe something, try to decide why it happened, then perform tests to ascertain whether the reason we have ascertained makes sense. Now this all seems very straightforward and derived of common sense, yet there are tons of people all over the place who have a firm belief in something but cannot reasonably justify. 'i believe what i believe because i've always believed it' is not a valid justification as to why you believe something, only an explanation of why you claim to believe it. it therefore follows that individuals who cannot justify their beliefs have no right promoting their belief to anyone, especially not anyone who can justify their own belief.

It annoys me to no end that people who do not believe in god must justify why they do not. Atheism is a null hypothesis, a default, if someone can prove there's a god then i'll believe. One cannot prove the absence of something defined as 'something beyond your perception' any more easily than one could mathematically prove x where x = 'x cannot be solved.' If one were to view god statistically (the way in which society views all things) we would accept either the existence of a god, or the lack thereof if we could be 95% confident one way or the other, yet for some reason for the 'god debate' this general rule does not hold true, can one ever by 100% confident of anything without the ability to gather all the facts? Can i prove that no Snickers bar has ever been luminescent? I'm 95% certain that none have by sheer common sense, but can i be 100% sure, no. if i went around telling people that some Snickers bars glowed in the dark because they cannot prove to me that none ever have i'd be a dumb-ass. Yet when people walk around telling others jesus died for their sins and then was resurrected a few days later, the majority of society does not consider them dumb-asses (although i certainly do)... what's the catch? Why the exception for religion, because it's important? - generally the way things work, especially with important things, if we're pretty sure of something we tentatively believe what the evidence leans toward while further investigating and gathering additional data. Religion is very important to very many people, and yet it operates opposite this methodology.

Believing something because you want to and because you've weighed the evidence and believe what the evidence shows you are clearly different. Religious belief should not be a conviction of convenience, but rather an acceptance of evidence. Any idiot can believe something simply because he/she wants to, it is another thing entirely to believe something because after the evidence has been weighed one accepts what it suggests. Religious debate today is no different than it was a hundred years ago, or a thousand: people still steadfastly believe whatever notion they happen to, then find loose evidence to either support their notion, or in the case of 'christian science' use pseudoscience in a ruthless bamboozlement of recruitment.

The bible is not 'the word of god,' it is a book, written by many different people.

i would really like to write more, but i've got to get going to do school-stuff, GRRRRR, and then work : )



yesterday morning after writing for the light i went to school to meet with 3 other members of a group working on a business project, i really didn't want to meet but everyone insisted that we 'have to get stuff done,' except i've already done 80% of what we already have done, so naturally we met and thought we were going to make a powerpoint presentation, and like all group projects 3 people fucked around and pseudo-helped while one person actually sat down to work on the task at hand, people taking 15 minutes to figure out how the fuck to send an attachment via e mail, or want me to explain what FTP is...

1) people should already be well fucking versed in sending attachments to themselves, people should already know what the fuck the differences between ftp, http, telnet, ssh, unix, dos, tcp/ip, ipx, etc. etc. and at least know how to use utilities like ftp, ping, ssh, etc, etc. we're a fucking technological generation and yet 95% of people using computers haven't the slightest idea what computers may be used for, i don't know anything about computers and i'm easily in the top 5% of the population for computer knowledge, it's hugely fucking sad.

2) there is other time to figure out things you should already know apart from designated group time for which i have forgone prior plans to make, and then have my time fucking wasted by people sitting around either telling me stupid shit, asking me questions i've already answered multiple times, and just being unproductive in general.

i hate functioning as a group leader for stupid shit, i'll lead a mordant council discussion anytime, but i absolutely hate fucking being a group leader for anything i don't feel like doing, i don't trust people to get shit done, and i don't like telling people what to do. But if someone forces me to be a leader they'd better show some effort and get done what they say they're going to get done, it annoys me to no end to work on something and spend half my time dragging other people along, this 4-person project would take me less fucking time to do alone than it would with 3 people 'helping.'

most of this is probably my fault, i assume too much: mostly i just assume people have more bandwidth & can multithread their clockcycles better, another 3 terms most people probably don't even know what they refer to. But what the fuck? These are people who are supposed to be 'smart' according to the measures of society, and yet they remain unable to logically process information, analyze data, or provide reasonable opinions about things. Sure some of them can memorize facts, but what good is that if one cannot make connections between related topics, let alone fields of study? How can we even live in a society where these shortcomings are even considered for acceptability? There's something wrong with the world, and i don't think it's me. Which leads me to the thought for the moment.

what is depression?
there are definitely clinically-sound cases of depression however it is arguable that society does not define 'depression' congruently with modern medicine... so on this note i base my argument on the fact that most 'depressed' people are not actually clinically depressed.

i have a problem with society's current mentality of 'treating' people who are generally unhappy with the natural lows in the sine waves of life, maybe cosine waves, are things at a highpoint when you're born?-anyway, is it not a normal human response to certain stimuli sadness? i also have a problem with people being called depressed because they are frustrated by the conflicting views between themselves and greater society.

The first point seems obvious to me, everyone experiences happy moments and unhappy moments, it's inate of living in general, life is not always happy, so why project an idea that it is or should be the case for most people? And fundamentally how is this any different than drinking one's way through periods of sadness, or getting some amphetamine pep to tide us over?-just because anti-depressant drugs work better does not mean that the reasons for using them should remain any more acceptable. This is very synonymous with methylphenidate (Ritalin) over-use in children, they're fucking children for fuck's sake, fucking kids have energy, that's just the way it is, if you can't handle it then don't have kids, but stay the hell away from doping them... i mean sure there are certainly a plethora of cases with a sound medical need for methylphenidate, it's given out like CII candy... but what the fuck? Commercialism has a lot to do with these follies, i mean the drug companies heavily advertise drugs to consumers (direct to consumer (DTC) marketing), and in fact spend huge amounts of their promotional budget on DTC ads so that people request shit they are not qualified to assess their need for. Look at all the Paxil (paroxitine) ads all over the place for social anxiety; do you become anxious or nervous when meeting new people?-there's something wrong with you, you need Paxil, fucking shit, for 80 bucks a month maybe you could buy some brains instead, there's nothing wrong with feeling anxious about meeting people, 99% of the time it's normal.

the second point is a little bit more difficult to justify.
imagine that tomorrow all food in the world will disappear, save but one, Bacon. Also imagine that for some reason people can live physically healthy lives with no nutritional deficiencies eating solely bacon, and drinking bacon-juice/grease (probably not very true). You, because you're special or something, can remember that there was once food in the world that not only wasn't bacon, but also that didn't have any bacon in it, Murphy's Stout, Salmon, Swiss cheese, Italian table wine, Halibut, steamed green beans, fresh honey-oat bread, sashimi, and English tea (among others), but everyone else in the world, because they're not special or something, can remember only bacon. That's ok though because everyone in the world eats only bacon (even the Moslems), that's just the way it is, and no one gets sick of it, or thinks there's anything wrong with it. You however, feel that when you go out to eat there should be more than one thing on the menu, and when you go to a grocery store there should also be more than just one thing to buy. After a couple of weeks (holy fuck, a couple of hours perhaps???) things really start to get to you-"why the fuck do we always eat bacon?" you start asking people "huh?" is their only reply. "there's greater possibility in what we can eat than just bacon!" you exclaim, "-uh... whatever..." is all you hear back. "I'm sick and tired of eating goddamn fucking bacon all the time." you finally explode "dude, can't you just be happy with what you've got, i mean hell, you're lucky to have bacon..." is the unified response. So finally you decide to start taking sertraline (Zoloft), but because you can't have any orgasms you later switch to mirtazapine (Remeron) and live out the rest of your days contently eating bacon (and having orgasms).

what's wrong with this picture? Hope it's worth 1000 words.

i'm not feeling like writing any more...



so the day's almost over and i just got up! arising at about 1330 from a pool of over-slept drool soaking into my flannel sheets (yes i am one of the few people i know who likes flannel sheets) i made my way to the shower, then 'cooked' some oatmeal, made some tea and am now sitting here. So i purchased a lottery ticket last Thursday night when Kellie and i went to 'Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone' @ the $1.00 theatre (or stupid 'theater' American spelling), anyway it's a winner, i know it is: my numbers are, now i'll just check the powerball website;, hmmm, they don't seem to match up exactly, but i did get the powerball number (8) correct, that means i won $1.00, so i paid for the movie in any event, or wait, Kellie paid for that, ok, so then i paid for my lottery ticket. This ticket would be known in gas-station circles as a 'replay,' hey, wait a minute, upon further inspection of the webpage i guess i won $3.00, triple the amount i had previously thought, wow i'm rich! So really, was my effort in buying a lotto tick worth a 2 dollar net profit? Arguable really, if i now make around $10/hour then i should have spent less than 1/5 of 1 hour (about 12 minutes) on acquiring the lotto ticket then i feel i broke even, and since i stopped to get gas anyway, i think it took about an extra 3 minutes to acquire the tick, and check the numbers today, which puts me at $40/hour, or slightly less than i'll be making in a year from now anyway.. hmmm...

it took me 5 minutes to write this. :(

so this past weekend was really slow at work, i spent all of Saturday playing a star-wars trivia game online, and all of Sunday reading theological essays on atheism. i find that religion is just so amazingly utterly flawed that it's nothing short of divine providence that people believe in gods et al. at all... maybe this is the 'proof' people should use to justify their beliefs: "well it's just so insanely ludicrous that it would be totally unbelievable...if there wasn't a god..." sounds about on-track with most of the god-exists justifications i hear, "because the bible says so," is my personal favorite. Anyway i've been thinking about writing some religion essays for's sister site: .... maybe later in the week or something. Religion, religion, religion... pisses me off to no end.

so like every other week for the history of darthmullet's employment he went to Minneapolis today to beat on windows and things with big manly tools, while i languish in Fargo, wallowing in piles of neglected laundry. Although we actually hung out this past weekend, which is generally not the norm... well i guess it has been for the past few weekends because i've been lazy and feeling poor, and therefore not going to Minneapolis, it really fucking drags on me, trying to conserve money, and it makes life really suck. i've just figured out that tracking expenses and trying to be fiscally conservative keeps me from eating fruits & salad, drinking orange juice, going out, etc. etc. instead it forces me to be a recluse playing Diablo and eating shitty food, which subsequently makes me feel very little like exercising, writing, or being in the least bit socially interactive. Anyway maybe this entry is all about money, which i claim to not care about, but only when i have it, if i lost my brains i'd start caring a lot more.

so in other news SMEAT!'s back from Chicago now (back=Minneapolis) and i guess Scheides is going to go for the gusto on his computer consulting business, which is seriously fucking cool. other than that subgenious got his navy-thing and therefore gets a bunch of money and benefits while going to school, which is also seriously fucking cool. Mess is moving into the mankey village in a couple of weeks, reddog is still more-or-less unemployed, and uh... sorry if i missed anyone.

tizmo's being a home-owner with a clogged sink:

I put a full bottle of full strenght draino down there and that didn't even help. I let that sit overnight and it was still clogged this morning.. so I went to Fleet Farm to get a snake. Hooked that sucker up to the drill and let 'er have it. Unfortunately, that didn't help either. So I had to open the flushout at the basement floor below the sink and HOLY SHIT WAS THAT A MESS!! I loosen the plug and I see small bubble, so I know that I have found where the clog is.. then out comes this ball that looks like dirt and smells like shit.. it was about the size of a grown mans fist!! then guess what comes after that?? you got it.. and explosion of all the shit that was above it.. draino, mixed with a couple of gallons of water.. and then some shit from the pipes.. all came blasting out at me.. I was totally covered in that shit!!! Well atleast the drain works now.. but it's been kinda smelly here the last day or so!!



so i woke up relatively early today, about 0600 i suppose, don't know how it's already almost 0800 being that i haven't gotten anything at all done (which was why i got up in the first place), so i suppose by killing some time in the light i'll get a lot more school-shit done than i would if i were to just start right now, oh well, whatever.

so the semester is winding down, finally it feels like it, in all actuality it's been 'winding down' for quite some time, but this week's really the first week where everyone's started to sit back and say 'hey, we only have a few days left...' Seems like it just started, and it all went by so fast, and blah, blah, blah... hopefully the rest of my life won't be like this past year: going fast, yet still sucks... i guess generally this would be a good time of year to assess goals and where i am, etc, etc. but i don't really know that i had any goals set for this time of year, so apparently i've 'met' all of them...way to go me!

anyway, i was doing some reading this past weekend at work as it was absolutely ass-fucking-slow at the hospital, and it turns out a pivotal point in one of my previous entries this month (yea, all 2 of them...) was not entirely correct, not that i claim most of what i write is, but this i actually find interesting, so without further ado.

the thought of the moment: Proving a Negative.
i had said earlier that one cannot disprove something which by definition is beyond our perception, which is very similar in theory to the idea that one cannot prove that something does not exist if the breadth of the statement exceeds the realm of our perception, or that one cannot prove that something does not exist at all. Take this statement for example: "Intelligent beings comprised entirely of energy called Skahgnoids exist." Now disprove this statement. This assertion is obviously without a logical basis, while it is possible that it is true there are no data to support that it is. However within our current perception of the universe we can accurately say "there are no intelligent beings comprised entirely of energy called Skahgnoids in the universe." For all intensive purposes this statement best represents the universe in which we live. And even if we could scour the entire universe for such creatures one could always make the argument that we cannot detect these creatures, or that they reside within a different universe, or dimensions hidden from us. Inexistence could never be proven due to the breadth of the argument combined with the lack of defined perimeters by which these 'Skahgnoids' would be known, this is very similar to the theism hypotheses, it is not the idea which is hard to disprove, but rather the breadth of the idea, but unlike the Skahgnoids there are certain perimeters which must be fulfilled in most of the pro-theism (namely pro-Jehovah/god/allah/Yahweh/whatever_it's_called_nowadays) arguments. Especially if such nonsense as put forth by books like the Holy Bible are hypothetically tested. A good example of one such requirement to be fulfilled for the existence of such a god is the inexistence of all other gods, therefore if an individual could prove the existence of a 'competing' god, then by definition the existence of the first god would be disproved. Likewise if facets of the bible are scrutinized and found to be inconsistent, and this writing is believed to be the direct word of a god, who is defined as being infallible, then likewise the theory of the existence of this god is thereby disproven. One, of course, can always modify the theory so that known facts, or logical arguments do not apply to the theory, which is why religion changes so much over the course of time, but after a while one must stop an muse: how many times must a theory be changed to fit our observable world before the theory of an unchanging and eternal being has changed so drastically that it's really no longer the same theory we started with?

upon another train of thought entirely, but arriving at the same end is the idea of disproof-by principle. Some statements are contradictory by their very definition, a square circle is perhaps the best example i've heard of. No matter what the breadth of a statement asserting the existence of square circles, this statement will always be false. One could always make arguments about perspectives and square corners existing in a dimension along the viewer's eyeline, and thus appearing circular, or a shape being a square in 4 dimensions, while a circle in 3, but the fact will remain that the object cannot be both simultaneously. Likewise ideas which are contradictory in nature are also easily disproven, a being of unlimited power in a universe with a finite amount of energy (and therefore power), 'unlimited power' is a disprovable notion, just as is 'forever.' infinite wisdom is a great contradictory idea as well, information is dependent upon an observable environment, if one's environment is not infinite, then information cannot be unlimited in quantity, and therefore wisdom, derived from analysis of information also cannot be infinite, even though many avatars are claimed to be 'infinitely wise.'

there exists an inherent flaw in the acceptance of one idea without any grounds for support while rejecting other ideas with equally shoddy support, if i do not believe (rightly) that grasshoppers can speak German, but am unwavering in my belief that crickets can, while having no evidence to support either, what does this say about my methodology of thinking? What reason do people even have to select one religion over the other, let alone believing in religious doctrine at all. It should make no difference as to how strongly i believe that crickets can speak German, nor how many idiots i can convince likewise, my idea will remain unfounded, as well as unfruitful. No matter how much faith i have that one day i may learn to speak German from a cricket my faith will be blind, and stupid. i have no problem with faith, i do, however have a problem with blind faith, which unfortunately have become synonymous in the minds of many people. i have faith in things which deserve my faith by virtue of their loyalty, or honesty, faith in my own ability, or faith in my friends, are good examples. That which i have faith in have proven themselves to be worthy of faith, and even then i always account for the possibility that this faith is misplaced. This deviates hugely from the blind-faith seen with organized religion, which leads only to self-delusion, fear, and ignorance. The argument that an end justifies a mean is as flawed as most of the means making this assertion. The idea that Christianity (for instance) makes individuals into better people is not only inherently false in that it does little for greater social benefit, but because the methodology to do so is not innate of christian teachings in general. If i steal your cigarettes so you don't smoke, does that make it right that i stole your smokes?-if i trick you into donating money to starving people in India, does this make it ok that i tricked you? So if i indoctrinate a belief upon yourself and your children to make you more 'urbane' in an unrelenting manner, does this make it ok? If i forced every christian in the world to renounce their belief in any sort of deity whatsoever under punishment of death, but people led more productive and honest lives, would this be right? If myself and a bunch of other conquistadors traveled to latin america and made everyone catholic, would it be ethical that 98% of latin Americans in the year 2002 are roman catholic? Religion is a predatory practice employed by the insecurities of the masses to justify themselves, it's long been used as a tool of intolerance, a breeder of hatred, and one of the greatest social divides of all time.

it wasn't my intent to try to 'disprove' god in this writing, but when one thinks about it religion is the only topic where this argument is even worth having. It's one of the few beliefs people hold that remains totally unfounded, and generally unjustified. i suppose it therefore follows that no logical justification will make any sense in an argument against an illogical belief anyway... oh well, i try...

by the way i was reading some stuff of, nothing has been directly quoted/taken from these pages however, except the 'square circle' analogy.



so today i just got back from an AA meeting which we had to go to for class. It was alright, i was thinking of 'Fight Club' the entire time i was there, which makes me think the movie did a pretty good job of emulating the overall feel of an AA session. If i were an alcoholic however AA would not, nor could it be my salvation. Why? 'god.' God this, and god that, and finishing with the lord's prayer, if i were to go to one of those meetings looking for help i'd go home and fucking drink myself to death, their clause about impartiality and taking stands on no issues is total bullshit when their 12 steps and meeting idiosyncrasies are rooted in theism, only laments my belief that religion taints, sickens and destroys all things, the fact that we were required to attend a session for school, in my opinion, clearly violates the separation of church and state. Many people would say i'm whining, but if i required people in a class to attend an event which called upon them to renounce their belief in god (similar to the AA group reciting the lord's prayer) i don't imagine the responses would be much different, other than which perspective society would support. Fucking religion.

the one interesting thing about the meeting however was the idea of giving up alcohol... seemed so strange to look upon where my stance on such a proposition lies today, and how it's changed in the past couple of years. 2 years ago i had never even drank, nor had any desire to, one year ago i drank occasionally, but wasn't a huge fan of alcohol, today it's something i would never choose to give up. the idea of eating steak without Cabernet, halibut without Sauvignon Blanc, or a burger without Murphey's Stout, just seems, well, stark. Already so much of who i define myself as, and what i am, is vested in alcohol, what i eat, what i like, and a piece of culture and knowledge i hold, albeit small, but me, nonetheless. i realized today that to give up alcohol would be similar to giving up driving, or reading about physical theory, or wearing clothes sold at expensive department stores, ie: giving up. but blah, blah, blah... who cares...

so a couple of updates i suppose:

i am going to South Africa next February, guess i kind of left you hanging on the verdict of that (not that you probably care anyway). darthmullet's still out of town all the time, but this summer we're planning on fishing every fucking weekend... oh yea.

not of much importance, but on my mind lately, and since people always fucking ask me about it:

  • JR's never called me, i'd say 'call me' but she probably doesn't even know who she is on here anyway, and doesn't even know i have a website to boot....
  • i think i scared choirgirl31 off by sending her a NASCAR valentine and a KMFDM CD...
  • dena8 e'd me a few days ago, i replied, but it's her turn to respond again.
  • anarci hasn't responded to my last e mail.
  • Mandy informed me that she no longer wishes to be referred to 'darthmullet's exGF' but rather as Mandy, i told her to get me a fucking autobio for the familiar faces section, she has not replied
  • reddog is still unemployed.
  • heed e'd me a while ago, i have yet to respond.
  • called andrea last night, not holding my breath on a call-back.
  • i am an atheist
  • life at the mankey village is apparently, well, life.. i haven't been there in over a month at least... :(
  • there are only 6 days of class left and 3 days of finals, i'm buying Stoli stock during finals week, personally pushing up their sales, and selling the following week...
  • the dark project II is dead, project III will be born soon, and possibly a project IV will run along-side it, we'll see, i really haven't written shit lately, and certainly nothing better than shit...
  • my grandma called me last week and made me feel all bad for not calling her and shit, fucking A- i fucking hate that....
  • bewitched should not marry tom....

ok, that last bullet deserves more than 5 words, actually the logic of this argument deserves only one word IMHO (ie. 'NO'), but i suppose i'll write some shit to justify an idea i already know to the future me so i can remember what i thought today, even though i won't need any help remembering it later anyway...
so bewitched and Andre are engaged (yes Tom's about as exciting as his name implies) without a wedding date set, which is fine, on a certain level anyway, potential problems: tom=catholic, bewitched=agnostic? Or loosely christian at the very least, tom=conservative (wtf do you expect from a fucking catholic), bewitched=pretty liberal, Andre thinks he's the first person bewitched ever kissed, they met in college - i laugh at this thought, there are very few virgins by the time people are 21, let alone people who've never kissed another person, Andre does not believe in birth-control and thinks it's totally ok and normal to have more than 10 children, if you agree with this mentality you're a fucking idiot, bewitched is not a fucking idiot, does this list go on?-yes indeed it does. Tom's enrolled in med school at Mayo, he's book-smart and a hard worker, he could be my MD, but too bad he's so real-world na´ve. Maybe it's just me but if i met someone and i had different religious, political, philosophical, theological, and otherwise important conflicting viewpoints i don't care how well i got along with her, marriage would be out of the question, period. It's one thing for someone to be a conservative with reservations about whether conservative leaders are always right, but it's totally another to try to get along with some catholic dogmatic-addict that believes that some idiot in Rome who lives inside a church surrounded by other old guys has a better grasp of her life on this side of the Atlantic than she does... simply a no-go... if bewitched wasn't Tom's first girlfriend maybe he'd realize that conservative catholic women are a dime-a-dozen in this part of the country (and by far the catholic church is the largest in the world), and if bewitched wasn't obsessed with being a doctor's wife (really what's the obsession other than that your husband isn't ever home and if he is his beeper's going off 24/7?) she'd hang out with people she actually agrees with... not that there's that many in Fargo i suppose... of course this is all my opinion, as bastardly as it may be, but i suppose for the record i should say: no, i am not jealous, nor do i want to 'go out with' bewitched. Just my wholly biased and limited take on a situation i don't necessarily care much for...

there is a painting by Brute called 'the prophet' that has been on sale for the past several years for $4500, i've wanted it for a loooong time... i was looking through their database today and didn't see it! fucking shit! - i was planning on buying that next year, when i had some money, and a paycheck, and a sign-on bonus, and and and... bastards, hope they didn't sell the fucker, goddamn if they did, life sucks...

question for the moment: are predators looking for sex, or is sex looking for predators? Don't ask me, i'm neither.

quote for the moment: best cure for depression?-stop hanging out with idiots.

it's funny i was looking through the mordant/ weblog, and the wackiest fucking search strings were bringing up hits to this site, so maybe this is a subject of future development, a 'where do people come from' section. People hopped in on my 1-line skinny puppy lyrics and the like... so in tradition of bringing more 'industrialists' to my side of the wire:

"hear me out. you walk in my heels,
and then you're free to argue.
cuz' you see, this body is my ticket out
of needle park, junkie talk, and sucka juice.
you're living on some kind of high.
if you don't want it, other people will."
-Prick, Other People.

awesome fucking CD, check out the MP3's (don't give the RIAA-Fucks any money).



so i just arrived back at the apartment from our management presentation earlier this evening... what a fucking nightmare to get done, the presentation itself went fine, but the fucking moron i was complaining about earlier (Dori) didn't even fucking start this shit until this afternoon, now i should clarify that i have nothing against procrastination, nor do i abstain from this practice myself, but i do have a problem with someone procrastinating when he/she has no fucking clue what's going on and therefore does a shitty job which could have been avoided by either not being an idiot, or simply starting earlier. As things were the three remaining members of our group would have been much better off just giving the dumb-ass the boot and doing her part amongst ourselves, but she's buddy-buddy with the course instructor since she went to some fucking tech school (where our instructor is the president of a section of the school) before deciding that being a pharmacy technician isn't the best of jobs... but man, what a fucking horrible space-cadet, scatter-brained, fucking wigged out group member. Fuck if i ever want to see her again for the rest of my hopefully long years.... i don't want to be a dick, but i just have no other feeling directed toward her...

idiots fucking suck....

in other news i'm not sure where darthmullet is tonight, i'd assume at beth's, it's amazing: he's not working in Minneapolis this week, which is almost a first, especially since he's supposed to work in town... i was kind of in the mood for a phat burger or something, but i'm settling instead for something around the apartment, i'm in that slightly self-destructive, fuck-the-world mood right now (which is why ground red meat and thick bier sounds so fucking good) so i'm staying home lest i be an asshole publicly. There seems no escape from the feeling of distain, or inner unease, it really just makes me wish i was a rock-star or something screaming an angry Manson song like 1996 into a mic stained with my own blood would be fucking god-like right now...

i think this will be the last entry for this month, i know i've not written much, but it's been a dead month, everything's felt dead, even time as it drifted by seemed only to carry decay and dilapidation...whatever though, there's 12 months in a year, some of them have got to suck anyway.

i guess the only thing that's really dominating my mind right now is the thought of school being over, a little more than a week left is all, and this is very good... i'm fucking sick of, well, just school i guess.

a million billion things to do, and twice that of which i should be doing, yet no ambition to do any of them...



so signal15's in Hawaii right now, fucking sweet, and he found me some _ROUND_ chopsticks! Although he thinks he was bitten by a brown recluse in the process, ouch...

tests & shit this week, TPN, hematology, Renal case, neuropsych case, presentation yesterday...blah blah blah. i'd really just love to sit around here and update the site for v0.0.0.4 but i guess i'll get school out of the way first, aka: wait a week. But right now i'm thinking v0.0.0.4 should be pretty cool, mess has given me a monograph for familiar faces, the dark's project II has been killed in my mind, officially it will be dead for v0.0.0.4, project III & project IV will become officially born IV will be an ancillary Haiku project and III will become the main center of my writing-i'm striving for a more hopeful and streamlined content style, my main goal with project III will be to come away from the schizophrenic, and crazily twisted style which became the basis for project II while maintaining a quality much more refined and enlightened than that of project I (the majority of which is be bane of all my writing IMHO). We'll see it will still be 99% prose with very little technically 'correct' poetry, but fuck correct, if i was after correctness i'd just plagerize someone else... maybe some day i'll have a 'project correct' or something, but right now i'm interested primarily in the expression of emotion, or accurately describing feelings, which should not require any sort of format since feelings are so dynamic.

so it's been a shitty month i realize, but i'm really hoping for another manic episode here shortly so that i may be productive in respect to this website and all of the mordant empire, being active both in writing and in activity, and i would like to get some movie-script stuff written before my next trip to the mankey village. Since i've gotten up this morning i've felt pretty good so perhaps i've crossed the river and am scaling the aspiring heights of the valley-wall... or whatever, we'll see.

ok so this is really fucking interesting, i'm pasting a piece of the weblog recording search-strings (from search engines) which brought people to, here are the top 20:

Top 20 of 49 Total Search Strings
# Hits Search String
1 1 2.04% adderal as a drug
2 1 2.04% airplains from japan in world war 1
3 1 2.04% an argumentative essay between studying abroad and studying in
4 1 2.04% atom bomb victums
5 1 2.04% beauty slept and angels wept for her immortal soul in this repr
6 1 2.04% black m5
7 1 2.04% bosom teens push up xxx
8 1 2.04% bracelet slave stainless locking
9 1 2.04% chords rip
10 1 2.04% class action suits for stroke victums
11 1 2.04% conglomerant power in the media
12 1 2.04% controlling tears
13 1 2.04% dune and emotion
14 1 2.04% falling out of love
15 1 2.04% find out stuff about other people
16 1 2.04% forced fucked
17 1 2.04% ford excersion
18 1 2.04% fuckin depressed life in engineering
19 1 2.04% fucking catholic church
20 1 2.04% gastov minneapolis german

pretty neat if you ask me, some of them are just funny, like people fucking looking for porn and shit, but google's content-searching is fucking sweet shit, which is generally the reason there aren't any meta tags in any of my pages... anyway you'll notice from the table i pasted into here that everything's still very small-time with as the top 20 referring strings are all tied for first place with 1 hit, hehe... but this is very good: the mankey server is way fucking bottlenecked for upload as qwest fucking sucks when it comes to DSL service in Minneapolis, albeit better than Fargo because i only know like 1 person in the entire city that actually qualifies for it... fucking qwest, i'm glad they're not getting any of our money anymore, only a sprint subsidiary, not that i'm a huge sprint fan either though...

speaking of cell phones GSM genII supposedly will be implemented in the states at the end of this summer, coincidently at the same time my phone contract is up for renewal, so we'll see what becomes of that, my phone doesn't have text messaging which i would really like to have, and actually i think sprint charges like per message or something, which i think is really asinine, so maybe i'll get a phone from someone else, perhaps in Chicago or something since this is where i'll be at the time, or maybe i'll just get the at&t customer plan in Minneapolis that everyone at the village has (since signal15's fucking awesome and can hook people up with it, no he doesn't work for fucking at&t), we'll see...

for whatever reason it feels like a Friday or a Saturday, dunno why, the weather's been horribly dreary with that oppressing heavy air under an oppressive bed of clouds, but today it's actually sunny, and although there's still the bite of winter in the air, pretty warm nonetheless... should be a Saturday for fucking around at garage sales and stoning heretics to death before retiring back for salad and books...

i think i mentioned before that i will no longer be scheduled at work after the weekend following this next one (so like may 13 or something?) i'm greatly looking forward to this, i believe my last day of work is Minnesota fishing opener day, so perhaps the week after we'll do a bunch of Bass-killing, should be very cool...

well fuck, the necessity of the unnecessary calls, i'd better get to school, by the way thanks DEVRA for doing our entire shitty case for neuropsych, if you ever read this and mention it to me i'll buy you and your hubbie a beer, or 3 :)

"When i'm god everyone dies." -Marilyn Manson



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