yet another day that i don't really get anything done... realistically i suppose i did get quite a bit done as i faxed some shit so as the laptop i own is now somewhere about 35,ooo feet above the US traveling away from Tennessee right now, i emailed about the use of their JavaScript for as i found out that the code i'm using excludes konquorer and mozilla users from reading this right now, so much for browser standards eh? i'm also getting a digital camera (Cannon S200) shipped to my Fergus house and it should arrive tomorrow, so i'm tempted to drive back there, drop some shit off, and get my camera on Wednesday, but we'll see what happens... for work i am back up on the north MeritCare campus now, which is a lot more interesting than MeritCare south, where, basically, nothing happens; so this is a good feeling...

this past weekend i spent in Minneapolis, it was a pretty decent time, mess and tizmo were both gone for various family/friend functions but everyone else was around and everything stayed pretty laid back. On Friday i didn't arrive until probably 22oo or so as i had to drop a bunch of shit off in Fergus Falls on the way, so i arrived and ate a grilled Apple Bratwurst with signal15 and SMEAT! (actually we each ate a brat), i'd never had an Apple-flavored anything-wurst, it was absolutely exceptional!-especially with spicy Thai condiments on it, oh man, i've got to have some more of those sometime, the fact that they're packed fresh at some meat shop in the area probably had a lot to do with that too... after my brat Andrea came over and SMEAT!, her and i went to O'Donovan's (7oo 1st Ave N Minneapolis) which is a pretty fucking sweet Irish pub right downtown near the Target Center and 1st Ave. (where we saw KMFDM and PIG a few weeks or so ago), we stayed there for perhaps an hour or so then went back to the village and got more or less pretty drunk, SMEAT! didn't get up in time for Army the next morning and Andrea and i didn't get up until after noon when subgenious, babs, scheides, Anna and Old Ben (scheides' cousin) made us get up for "breakfast," which we didn't eat until about 133o, but it was at Papa's (7181 42nd Ave. N. Minneapolis) so naturally it was absolutely exceptional food, man that place is fucking awesome.... anyway signal15 and Ann joined us as well so it was all good, too bad SMEAT! had Army all day... on Saturday SMEAT!, Mandy, Heed and i spent some time in uptown at Chang Mi Thai, and otherwise spent the night at the village reading magazines and sipping Crown on the Rocks and other equally yummy drinks. Everyone else went to signal15's to party it up, we sort of didn't because SMEAT! had to get up the next day at o6oo or so, and because we had the distinct impression that Heed didn't want to see scheides for various aforementioned reasons (see 2oo2o512.o2oo)... so the Mankeys were separated on Saturday, but everything turned out to be a pretty nice night... then on Sunday we met in dinkytown for lunch, hung out there for a while at the bookstore, drank coffee and the like, and called it a day, i left town at about 183o, and arrived back in Fargo at around 22oo after stopping in Fergus to get some documents to fax to to prove that i'm me...

anyway apart from my moreorless uneventful weekend i don't have too much to report, i'm eating supper with Kellie tomorrow night, she's cooking at her place, so that should be nice, i'm supplying wine and she's supplying the food... sort of the primal sex-for-food trade, except i'm trading wine, which is a whole lot better than sex for a lot of various unrelated reasons...

then maybe Wednesday i'll get my camera, and i'm supposed to get my laptop tomorrow (ThinkPad, i've always liked IBM with their Linux contributions, good hardware, computer science research, and basically fair market practices (comparatively anyway)).



ever had one of those days where nothing goes right? Well i don't know that i've ever had one of those, but some days shit just really pisses me off; my phone got turned off because i only owed 25 bucks last month, so i just figured i'd pay it later, apparently Sprint PCS thought otherwise and turned off my fucking phone, shit pisses me off, shutting down my shit for 25 dollars. Apparently sprint doesn't trust me over a matter of $25 when my account balance has had them owing me money most of the year, really just makes me feel like helping them stop worrying about it by canceling my service at the end of this month when my contract is done and buying service from a carrier with a signal that doesn't fucking die randomly and block calls due to their network being 'busy.' A mobile phone is like broadband: if you can't guarantee uptime, don't bother trying to sell it... so my laptop came today, which is good, i missed the UPS guy, which is bad... now these fucking UPS guys are never early in their deliveries, but naturally since i was home by 14oo today, they were. So now i need to figure out when i can pick the package up at the UPS place on 12th Ave. but it doesn't say when the package will be back at the distribution center on the slip, and since fucking Sprint killed my phone i can't call to ask them either. i finally stopped by the pet store to buy some feeders for Mr. Knifefish today, who's probably starving to death as he/she hasn't been fed in over 2 weeks... but naturally they were all out of feeders, suck... let's see, what else panned out poorly today?- i overslept, the gas pump kept shutting off when i was trying to refuel my vehicle, my paycheck isn't as big as i thought it was going to be as they forgot to increase my pay by 20% since i quit, i've come to the conclusion that we're going to go to war with Iraq, and i didn't win the powerball. I could have gotten dumped or something too, not that i have a girlfriend or anything to dump me, but i've been dumped while single before, but how would i know; my phone doesn't work...

my goal today is to find some hardware which allows me to attach my "new" Omega Speedmaster SS bracelet to my GP 8020 as the pieces don't quite match up correctly. I purchased the bracelet several months ago from a guy on ebay for a decent price (which is generally unheard of on ebay, but i was lucky i guess) but it's just been sitting on my desk since then because i can't seem to get the pins to line up, so i'm going to go to some hardware stores today and see if i can't find some tiny dual-O-rings or something to connect the offset holes of bracelet & case, i also need to go back to the bank today and write myself a check to transfer money from my Wells Fargo account to my primary Community First account as i'm quickly going broke... hope darthmullet pays me back soon, or at least he's saving the money he's not spending by me paying my full rent (instead of him paying me back a little bit monthly) as he'll fucking need it when he moves...

speaking of darthmullet i haven't seen him for over a week now, and i won't see him again until Saturday or so as he's on a family cabin-vacation for the week and was in Minneapolis all of last week, so naturally i haven't seen Beth either, which is just fine... i think right now i'm really experiencing the end-of-summer antsy-ness that i usually associate with being ready to go back to school, except this year, fuck that i'm not going back to any class, nor school, i'll just be working for free for another 9 months or so, hopefully it'll go fast... what i would really like to do would be to go back to school (a real school, not fucking NDSU) for something interesting like economics, business, or maybe even some global politics, even though i fucking hate politics, but that would be something... maybe if i could get someone to pick up the tab for admission that would be even better, the more i think about it the happier i am that i won't be taking any more medically-related classes, hopefully, ever again...

bewitched: i don't know what the hell's been up with her, tried calling a few times but no one seems to ever be home, wonder if she's been visiting Andre for the past couple of weeks or what exactly the deal is, maybe i should e mail her or something...

other than that not too much to report i suppose... i think all the Mankeys will be spending this next weekend at the lake, which should be an awesome time, it'll also give me a chance to try-out my new camera that was supposed to arrive in Fergus today, but looks like it won't be there until wed or Thursday ok, so i tell you; check this out:

Date Time Location Activity
Aug 6, 2002 2:31 P.M. FARGO (5650), ND, US DELIVERY CHANGE REQUEST

ok, now check this out:

Status: In Transit
Scheduled Delivery: Aug 6, 2002
Shipped to: FERGUS FALLS, MN, US
Shipped or Billed on: Aug 1, 2002
Tracking Number: blah, blah, blah
Service Type: EXTRA SHITTY
Weight: 3.00 Lbs
Date Time Location Activity
Aug 5, 2002 12:15 P.M. CACH, IL, US LOCATION SCAN
Aug 3, 2002  4:05 A.M. CACH, IL, US ARRIVAL SCAN

so is the only time these bastards get any shit done when someone pays out the extra bread to get it via airmail?-i think so...

anyway this will be my last weekend in the area and then it'll be Chicago for a few months, one of the major reasons i purchased a laptop...

i'm eating supper at Kellie's tonight, so perhaps i'll write more after that...but for now i've got to go find some potential watch parts...



damn, slept way too much last night, was going to get up at midnight and didn't get up until about o3oo, damn the man..

well, i got my laptop, fucking forgot that i brought all my damn software back to Fergus, double damn the man... anyway it's running win2k which really blows in my opinion, i'd really like to throw mandrake on there but then i'd be unable to run proggies like poser, 3DSM and the like, fucking windows monopoly shit, really pisses me off to no end... wonder if i'll have network access in Chicago.

so i'm still waiting to hear back from for the use of their JavaScript, kind of makes me wish i would've just used it and not asked. i hate how that works sometimes...

just got done talking to reddog, man his hours are as off beaten as mine are when it comes to sleeping and all that jazz. He's thinking about working overnights as a stockman at Target (the retail chain), which should be pretty decent. He was saying pay would be around $13, so it'd pull him out of debt more or less quickly, and it would get signal15 off his back about earning more money. It really sucks to not have any earning power, i wonder what reddog's going to end up doing, he's fucking gifted especially when it comes to artistic stuff, but not overly ambitious. He's going to start an art-driven website, so i think that should be totally fucking awesome, he and i were also talking about creating a collaborative-type site for showcasing art from whoever, which i also think could be really, really awesome. Anyway we'll see what happens, hopefully we can find enough motivation to actually do it...

later today i've got to go find some parts to get that bracelet attached to my fucking watch, been too lazy these past few days or so...

well, i really wanted to use a few hours this morning to write some diary stuff, and also start a short story, i wanted to write something dark and dismal about the future of humanity, but i didn't have time to damn the human race... maybe this afternoon, i have to get to work right now... in the OR today, should be alright.



life in Fergus, how slow. Originally i thought that there would be Minneapolis people in the area, well, Scheides and Anna are, but i haven't really hung out with them at all this weekend except for about an hour or so for coffee on Friday night, so they must be all busy doing important things and shit… i know scheides' brother, IAN is looking to get the rice-rocket back, as it is his car, and therefore scheides needs to get the mazda (mx-6, it's a piece of shit) running well enough to tote him around the cities until he is set up to buy a real car… apparently he's looking to acquire a 944, which would be pretty cool, like SMEAT!, scheides just will never look right driving anything that isn't German, and i'm not talking about DaimlerChrysler German either (at least the Chrysler wing anyway…).

so it's looking like i'm all set to move out of Fargo here in a whopping 4 days, i'm fucking psyched… although i need to get ahold of the people i'm living with as i still don't know where exactly it is that they live… hmmm… might be useful to know. But damn does it feel good to be moving away from Fargo, i guess i'll be back there for 6 weeks in November, but i won't be legally residing there, which is, naturally, a good thing…

phones & mobility:
so in talking to Anna the other night i learned that she has 33% (6oo v 45o) more 'anytime' minutes and about 20% (3k v 2.5k) night/weekend minutes for only 80% (40 v 50) of the price, and she gets better service to boot… something's fucking wrong with this picture… so this has affirmed my intent to dump fucking Sprint and purchase service through AT&T… apparently the chic that hooked up all the mankeys with the AT&T employee plans quit so i've got to see if signal15 can get his agent, which looks like he may be a putzer, to hook me up with an employee plan… i just tried calling him but apparently his old phone number is now Anne's (his GF), so i was going to e mail him but i couldn't get a connection to the server, so i called SMEAT! and it turns out the power went out at iexposure (their ISP) so all their connectivity got taken down for the time being… he's at work now trying to fix the shit, one of the perils of working as a sys.admin… and from my end, one of the perils of relying upon our wired society…

in any event, not too much else is going on around here, mostly just happy to be moving to a new place here in a little bit, and moving on with my shit, not so happy about being broke though, maybe i should start trying to sell my body or something…

so my sister's watching TV right now, there was just one of those cheesy ads, which seem to be shown all the time, in my limited viewing experience anyway, for one of those 2-CD mixed discs for like 30 bucks or whatever… apparently there's a rap "artist" called "Ja Rule" i tell you, sometimes i just don't understand that genre at all, nor do i understand people who seem to think they understand it… or perhaps i do understand the genre and that's why i don't like it whereas all the schmucks running out and buying millions of CDs for 15 bucks a pop to support the evil empire are the ones who aren't overly familiar with popular American cultural antics… alright, so the people who are the predominant buyers of gangsta rap and R&B-type are suburban white kids, makes sense right? The artists of these respective genres glorify uneducated and violent lifestyles in the name of a cultural identity promoted for the purposes of selling their albums to a different culture (white people, like uh… suburban kids) which they generally blame on oppressing the kin they are claiming to support. In the process of all of this they are furthering the alienation of normal black people in society by promoting a stereotype next to impossible to live up to while simultaneously preparing one's future in a stable, consistent, and constructive manner; and thereby disallowing them from furthering their place in society either individually or subculturally. Now i'm not saying that "white culture" is somehow right, in fact i very much disagree with most of the traditional ideologies of the "white culture," but what i am saying is that artists claiming to be standing up for his/her people aren't making it very easy for said people to live normal lives. This would be like me being a market analyst for walmart and then complaining that they're quashing the competition, or like me being on the board of directors for WorldCom and, oh… wait, nevermind… in addition since when did MTV turn into a channel which shows rap and R&B exclusively in between cheesy low-life teenie-bopper soap operas? Maybe this has been many years in the making, but i think it's fair to say that MTV and the media in general is really hurting our society right now… it's no coincidence that the fast moving (as in sales, not tempo) music on the top ten list is some of the artistically simplest sampling of a broad array of available music, and panders to the most banal of human compulsion, and lackluster emotion; perhaps an accurate reflection of the sad cultural demographic of our shallow mentality… the more i talk to different people the more i realize that this isn't so much a question of bandwidth as it is exposure. It seems only a select few (statistically speaking) are able to climb from the cesspool of our majority-ruling party (being mostly rule, vote, and live via complacence), even though the average person should still be well able to see through the fraudulent supersaturated mass media marketing of, well, everything really; but they either: choose not to, or don't know any better than to accept that which is fed to them. Personally i think it's a combination of the two… perhaps people are 'taught' to be dumb, in the general population the ability to question, or answer questions is not generally glorified, we'd rather have testosterone-driven thugs that are good at tackling one another than someone with a penchant for nanotechnology development, from a holistic standpoint this certainly cannot be a good indicator for future prospects… i wonder if this is used somewhere as some kind of a cultural indicator for anything… probably…

well Anna just called, so i should probably take a shower and shit…



so it is now o3oo on a Tuesday morning, i still haven't decided whether or not i feel like sleeping tonght, i suppose i should probably take a 2-hour nap or something before heading off to work at o63o today, we'll see... a couple of things have kept me up. firstly i suppose is ethyl-alcohol; Guinness, Grey Goose, and Crown, these types of things always seem to deplete both my need for sleep and my ability to indulge in REM or stage IV should i so desire to have it... secondly: perhaps just my intrinsic compulsive & sleep-deprived nature. Thirdly: probably because i've done something to horribly offend heed, now i'd say "i don't care," except if i'm writing about it and possibly losing sleep over the frivolously stupid matter. Actually, i don't care, maybe i'll "care" enough to write about it later



well i arrived in Illinois just a couple of hours ago... the drive was alright i suppose, i absolutely fucking hate driving through Wisconsin though as they're fucking highway patrol everywhere jerking people off, i don't think i've ever driven through the state without seeing several people pulled over... also the speed "limit" is 65 on the interstate in both Wis. and Il, which to me seems absurdly low...

i've just settled into my new home-for-3-months, it's very nice, and AFAIK, recently built. i'm staying with my late mother's cousin, his wife is my site-preceptor for my next 2 clerkship rotations for school, hopefully everything will work out well and everyone's lifestyles are compatible with everyone else's... it's kind of interesting how different everything is here, there are 2 young children and it's readily apparent that everything in the house is tailored to their needs, and more broadly everything in the lives of my hosts is centered around their children. i suppose this is the way life is, and has been since time incarnate, and is really the sole reason we're all here... provide the most favorable possible environment for our own personal succession... but it's just so blatantly apparent walking, from my life of selfishness, frolicking, materialism, and bachelorism; into a pair of lives with completely different priorities... probably more on this later, but i'm feeling very tired and brain-dead right now, the monotony of driving 80mph for 7 straight hours.... we need some autobahns around here.... and i need a car with 4oo+ hp.



so i've only been here for a day and already i'm feeling all family-oriented... today Patti; her two children, Jess; Kevin; and i; went out to buy shoes and supplies for their upcoming school season, man having kids would be a lot of work, dare i say: too much work? they're all at a barbeque right now, although Patti's husband, Greg is home already as he's allergic to cats, and the barbeque house is apparently cat-infested... it's kind of funny to think i'll be living here for 3 months, we still haven't talked about compensation for room & board, but i don't think i could, in good conscience pay for neither. anyway, tomorrow will be my first day of employment at Baxter, i'm still not exactly sure what it is i'll be doing there although it won't have anything to do with the individual dispensing of drugs, which should be a different atmosphere altogether, we'll see i suppose..

a word on children, reproduction, and the fate of purpose:
i think one of the most depressing things about children is that we're meant to have them... it's not just a matter of a misplaced social expectation like so many things that we feel we're meant to do, rather it's something that we're honestly meant to accomplish, it's in our genes, we're bred to breed. generally i'm not a strong believer in fate, or general purpose, and this is one of the major flaws i see with, say, religious ideology, i think too many people believe that they're at a certain place during a certain time doing some certain thing because there is some sort of predeterminant importance to them doing it, people involved in car accidents where 3 other people die yet they live feel that it's because they're "supposed" to be alive, that there's a need for them to fulfill, well, no: i don't believe anything of the sort... many people grossly underestimate the variability of life and the fact that regardless of the past there are always moments in life when life is pleasurable, or avenues for contentment, likewise there will always be moments of anguish, uncertainty and pain as well, but generally i think that the whole mentality of people being meant to do anything is bullshit. this is such a contradiction in general with the fact that we are sentient beings, some people think that some avatar has some kind of plan for everyone, but individuals need to choose to allow this pre-ordained fate to be fulfilled, yet according to this logic one could not choose to let some phantasm dictate his/her future and then choose later to disallow it, yet most people who believe in the divine purpose idea feel that people have enough freedom of choice to "walk away from god" should he/she decide to do so, so would this then be a part of the "plan?" likewise if individuals have enough autonomous discretion and power to abandon the "plan" altogether what would keep them from fudging the plan during microexecution, or even macroexecution for that matter? makes no sense to me; either we're leading our own lives, or we're not... the whole idea of living our own lives yet being in accordance with some sort of divine doctrine is as flawed as the fact that there exists no one who couldn't have lived a better life in some way (ie: 0% of people are perfect) yet a significantly greater percentage of people believe that they've lived their lives wholly by "god's plan" ... if they were living under the complete control of a flawless entity then shouldn't too their lives be without flaw? "to err is human" i thought... the flaw is further potentiated by the fact that nearly everyone who consider themselves religious also feel that they're living in accordance to the whims of whatever superstition they cater to, while believe that a much smaller percentage of "nearly everyone" is doing likewise. if there really were a "right" way to live i would be inclined to think that because of its divine favor, it would be readily, and unquestionably apparent. i, however, don't believe this to be the case...

but back to my origional point: while i don't believe in fate or anything of the sort i do think that on many levels we are fated to have children, not necessarily fated as some sort of imperitive directive, but more so that our lives are in many ways worthless without offspring, the only real lasting proof that you've ever existed is the lineage you leave... when Mozart, Hitler, and Jesus are long forgotten your descendants will still be pondering their purpose in their respective lives, a living proof that you've once existed-although no one will remember your name, your first date, nor of your means of demise, yet you will live on, perhaps for the life of humanity (in a broad sense anyway, i wouldn't think that an individual's descendents will be the very last people living at the time of human extinction, but you know what i mean), provided one thing: at least some of your descendents have children. while it is true that if at least some of your near relatives have children many of your genes will be passed on this does not mean that your genes will be... i think there's something like 6.4*10^7 different possible genetic endpoints for potential offspring between 2 parents... the chances of yourself and your sibling having exactly the same is pretty rare, dare i say unheard of outside of maternal twins and their ilk. furthermore it's not so much strictly a question of genetics, while genes are a huge determinant of who we are, environment plays, perhaps, an equal role in this determination... the mannerisms you pass to your offspring are perhaps as much of you living into the far reaches of the future as your genes will be... so are we "meant" to have children? George Lucas once said "ultimately we are redeemed through our offspring."-if this is the case then perhaps those who do not bear said offspring will be without redemption, their memory slipping into oblivion, a fate not all that far-fetched, especially for someone whom does not believe in any sort of heaven, nirvana, haedes, hell, Elysium, et al... although this mentality does not really allay the situational oppression associated with the feeling of an inevitable purpose to living, and alas, the purpose of life itself.



so i guess it's been a couple of days, not too much to report i don't suppose, mostly i've just been sleeping quite a bit and then working during the day, unlike spending my time at MeritCare i haven't been leaving before 14oo every day, which means i'm doing a lot more, but a lot less for myself...

i think i'm probably going to spend the upcoming weekend with my grandmother who lives about an hour southeast of here, i haven't talked to any of the Mankeys at the village, or really anyone else for that matter... Kellie's called a couple of times, but other than eating fried rice there doesn't seem to be much going on in Fargo either... i tried calling s4r tonight but her phone still seems to be disconnected, which sucks as i've been thinking i'd really like to get a hold of her....such is life i guess.

the thought of the moment:
introversion; are people fundamentally introverted? when we're very young we don't really give a shit about anyone else in the slightest, we turn 5 and start going to school, kindergarten et al.-are forced to get along with people and act extroverted... we acquire significant others, get married, have kids and fall off the face of the planet. i don't think it's so much a question of whether there is enough time in the day or whathaveyou, maybe less-so in the case of demanding children, but often when people in their late teens and early twenties become involved in long-term relationships their presence in their prior social circles seems to dwindle almost to the point of wondering whether these people actually want any part of their "old" lives and respective circle of peers... maybe this is all just used as an excuse to quit having to spend so much time/energy on other people... does the entire outlook on life change enough so that friends are no longer important enough to warrant any time priority? maybe this thought is going no where and is totally misplaced, maybe i just can't put my finger on the changing mind of an aging individual, or perhaps it's something else... hmmm...

i've decided i need to spend more time writing short stories, during the day i have tons of cool short-story ideas, but then by the time i could conveniently write anything i just can't think of dick... damn the man...

heed the hand that writes
you think this is about you
couldn't be more wrong



well i spent the weekend at my grandmother's in Morton Grove, IL, a suburb W/NW of Chicago, it was very nice. i'm actually still here in her living room typing this as she's at church. things are pretty slow moving around here, but i suppose that's natural, being that she's 84 years old. so i've found myself a project to undertake: i was telling my grandmother the other day that in the next month or two i would like to interview her about the history of our people in this country, i'm afraid that when she's no longer here the majority of the information regarding our family tree will be lost, perhaps forever... she said that that would be fine, then today she shows up with a diary of my late grandfather's outlining roughly 10 years of his life, she said that there is perhaps another book (~500 pages!) of his writing when he visited Japan, the diary encompasses 1979-1989, i hope there're more books filled with his life, i think that my family's history has a lot to say for itself, and sheds much light on what it means to be a Japanese American; my grandmother spent years of her life in an internment camp for American citizens of Japanese decent, and my grandfather decoded Japanese military transmissions for the US during WWII; they have maintained a rich knowledge of their heritage throughout their lives while assimilating well, and functioning proficiently in this country... anyway we'll see what happens with all of this, who knows if i'll even have permission to post any of this online anyway ....

yesterday we went shopping, we went to Target as i needed some bathroom supplies and Kohl's because i forgot to pack boxers with the rest of my clothes (i fucking hate it when i forget that)... we also went to best buy as i am currently looking for some headphones that don't suck, i'll have to look into the shit because i want to pay $30-$60 for them, i want the small ones that fit inside the ear, they must have a low THD, high efficiency, and a range of at least 20-20k. SMEAT! has a pair of SONY headphones just like this, and they sound absolutely fucking awesome (like better than most shelf-systems i've heard), but then all of the headphones at best buy had awesome specs but i know they can't possibly produce the sound that i'm looking for (especially not for $10), so i'm going to have to see... there were some KOSS earphones for $30 that looked ok, but i'm going to have to look into the matter before i buy, i was hoping i could just find a pair of SONY earphones for $50 bucks and not have to worry about doing the research... i also didn't buy them because i'm sure my grandmother would insist on buying them for me, and i would much rather she didn't... it kind of pisses me off how she always insists on buying shit for me-it makes me feel bad...but then again i've always been a pretty ungrateful receiver of gifts, so maybe this is a part of the problem. so we leave best buy with nothing, then in the parking lot we found an unopened Shreik DVD!-what luck, so i end up receiving something without paying for it anyway, and i'm sure inadvertently help support the evil empire (whomever purchased it will undoubtedly but another one giving Disney & best buy more money...), but at least i found a present for someone that i won't have to worry about finding/buying later :) We also went to an Asian market called Mitsuwa (formerly Youhan) a couple of suburbs west, i've been to Mitsuwa several times and the place is absolutely awesome! we ate lunch there and purchased some foodstuffs for later (Sushi, Sashimi, Skimono, raw materials etc.)... it's such an amazing feeling to be able to just trek down the road to an Asian market, one of the awesome things about living near a major metropolitan area. the food this weekend has been absolutely amazing, my grandma is such an unbelievable cook, i should probably spend some time with her cooking too to learn how it's done...

so the annual (Chicago?) triathlon is currently taking place, apparently since it rained so much last wed. the beaches on Lake Michigan are closed, so i'm not exactly sure what's happening with the swimming third of the event...

i have no idea what the property taxes are in this state but sales tax, at least in the Chicagoland area, are 8%-pretty high if you ask me... and would explain somewhat the reason that the state income tax is pretty low, apparently less than 1/2 of what the feds steal from people who work... i'd be interested in knowing the breakdown of the costs associated with living here...


2oo2o83o.19o1 well, i'm pretty sure i'll be spending the long weekend (labor day) here at Patti and Greg's house... not too much to report. i've just spent the past several hours trying to get my fucking camera to upload its pictures to LOST (LOST = the name of this box (laptop)), i dunno wtf the deal is, one of the main reasons i kept fucking windows on this box was so that i would be able to use it as a home for pics, but the USB stuff is all fuckidy and the OS crashes when the computer and camera are connected to each other, which seems like not a good thing...i figured since everything is built for windows it shouldn't be a problem, i could just basically plug and play... but instead i've spent the past 4 hours trying to figure out why the comp crashes when this device is on one of 2 USBs, honestly, why are there 2 anyway? Although a hell of a lot better than XP, win2k is a fucking cumbersome OS to use, it's a "user-based" OS, but then you have to kill everything that's running to change users, seems a bit counterintuitive to me. Sure one of the aspects of having a multi-user, multi-permission system is to individually configure for everyone using it, but this advantage more or less goes away when one can't just "su", change some shit, then exit the root terminal and be a "normal" user again... to be able to do all the shit you want to do you've got to make your account an "Administrator" account, giving you all the permissions of root all the time... isn't part of the purpose of multi-user systems the fact that no one has root access all the time? fucking windows man, win2k works well for distributed, more or less terminal-based operations (businesses) but UNIX does it better, a lot better, and if one should decide on a Linux/freewareBSDclone, a hell of a lot cheaper as well... i just don't "get it" sometimes... Anyway i had considered partaking the 4oo mile trip to Minneapolis this weekend to see the Mankeys, but i was just there 2 weeks ago, wish the 3-day weekend fell about a month later i'll probably be dying to go visit by that time...

i guess "stuff" has been happening up there, signal15 apparently got fired or something, although i haven't heard it from him yet (but i know he's still looking for an S4, heh), knowing him he'll probably have a new job with 50% better pay by the end of next week or so, the guy's just a fucking wizard, and (CVS marketwatch) will probably be fucked now as, per scheides, no one there knows wtf is going on with their production line of 60 t-1's. heh, i wouldn't know how to balance 2 of the fuckers without getting loops and outages and shit, let alone 60... also apparently tizmo's doing about as well as i am in the significant other department, although he's probably exerting as much effort and priority on the matter as i am; which, if you've been following at all is virtually none. Actually i've been thinking lately about s4r and the possible reasons why i haven't talked to her in 2 months now, basically what i've concluded is this: i know-her phone doesn't work (disconnected), she was out of town for 6 weeks, my phone number is the same; i don't know-the reason why she has not contacted me via phone yet or replied to my e mail simply asking how her 6 week stint in BFE, ND went. you know it's too damn hard trying to figure out what people are thinking and what their reasoning is. just when i start to assume that people are at least somewhat rational the fact that this is a total delusion is brought to light by something unbelievably, well, over the top. not that anything as such has happened with s4r (unless not returning calls for 2 months is a normal thing), but if she doesn't want correspondence i wish she'd just say/write that instead of me sitting around like a fucking joe 7oo miles away...

i've started spending some time transcribing my grandfather's diary, only 2 months done from the beginning of 1968... it's really interesting how similarly we think about quite a few things, here's an example of one of his entries:

Friday: Very cold today. Noon reading: 14, expected to get much lower. Past midnight of this date: extremely low temp. +3. Will be cold Saturday and into night before easing up Sunday.

Premonition? I don't like it, but out of my power to control. Never on matter of good tidings. Always ominous! After all preparation was concluded and ready to depart for work, just a thought flashed through my mind that so far things are running smoothly, no illness, or accidents to mar the tranquility of our daily pursuit. Just then my mind flashed Hiroko for no accountable reason other than that she too shares in this mood. I've had these flashes many times and gave no more thought to it. I elaborated on the good fortune of this tranquility by stretching my thinking to the origin of man's religion. Who does man give thinks to for his good fortune? Luck or chance dispensed at the proper time by - Allah - God - Supreme Force, etc. etc.? Since man has to conjecture in the absence of positive proof, this so called religion was born? This was the extent of my religion. I automatically thanked, and guess what, i was jilted! Hiroko hurt her left foreleg near the toe by slipping on a polished surface and limping all over the place. My religion sure nipped in the bud quickly? yeah! Seriously though premonition? Omen?

While on the subject of Religion:
what a fantastic farce. Waste of money and time. That is, organized religion! Social club of Sundays. Dispensing fairy-tales to gullible ignorant masses about the imaginary fantasies of heaven and hell. I just can't see how a reasoning thinking man of high intelligence and reasoning power can indulge others, followers or in good conscience.

Sure man, endowed with power to reason and think has to more than suspect the existence of all supreme designer of this universe. All functions governing everything temporal is designed and dispensed by so called God. So what is man? Does this God need to be put on the pedestal and venerated in magnificent edifices, sung to, praised to, sacrificed to? All the rules concocted by man in the name of God will have to be rigidly observed or you will be in his disfavor, be punished, or arose his wrath! Isn't this the theme of the organized religion practiced since the dawn of man? Organized religion blocked every damn progress. The history of man is same as progress made in spite of religion. Look how ridiculous Catholic, Jewish and all the other denominated religions are.

he was just over 50 years old when he wrote this, i find it humorous that this same argument has been turning in my head for the better half of my previous decade of life, apparently we don't learn from our forefathers. Perhaps our genes have more to play into the way we think and live than one would like to believe, while i find our thought processes and general outlook toward the world, those around us, and the fundamentals of life to be very similar i have never had a real conversation with my grandfather, and being that he passed away almost 4 years ago after spending about the same amount of time mentally dilapidated from the ravages of a hemorrhagic stroke (what my mother died of at 52, what fate lurks deep in the wrappings of my histones?-i shudder to wonder), i don't think i will ever get to have that conversation. remembering: myself, mother, brother and sister were actually staying with grandma and grandpa when he had his stroke, actually the last of several... it was the first time i had driven to Chicago, i hadn't had my license for more than a few months (16 years old), and in the midst of the tumultuous teen-age years, just figuring things out for myself... i had no idea that he probably already thought and believed so many things that was just starting to realize for myself at that time, and i certainly wasn't going to go spouting off non-conformist ideological truisms to unsuspecting family members, nor would he have planted those seeds in the offspring of his daughter... it's kind of depressing that all of the realizations one comes to in life are not pursuant to states of mind which can passed on to future generations, that all of our actions and that which we learn from these actions is, in whole, or at least in part, lost when we pass on... passing nothing of intellect or awareness to those yet bereft of that which only time, their own time, can possibly catalyze for them. there's something grossly inefficient with the cycle of life, and of death. perhaps this inefficiency will only become more apparent as those of our species outlive the wildest dreams of our ancestral counterparts accruing so much more knowledge than their primitive cultures and intellects could even imagine exists, yet only to be wasted in the end. maybe this all is a part of aging, or some "natural" cycle of maturation, or perhaps the biology of aging has never been overly concerned with the fruits of the mind, and is therefore incongruent....

it has also come to my attention that i'm not really sure what will happen with all of his diary entries after i have transcribed them all... it's not much of an immediate problem as there are thousands of pages spanning many decades and the fastest i could hope to copy them to bytes is perhaps a month a day (realistically probably half of that) so maybe 2 of his years per 1 month of my time, being that there's at least 30 or so years that's almost 2 years of my time. and that's "best case" (me plugging away a couple of hours a night perhaps), realistically this project could really be several years unless i were to recruit someone to help with the transcription, which somehow doesn't feel quite right at the moment... but anyway my origional train of thought on this blog-thread is this: i don't know where this project is going, these writings are not my life nor my ideas to do with as i please. ideally i'd like to post them online, but realistically, well i suppose ownership technically would be my grandmother's and i think the internet is a mysterious and dangerous, foreign thing to her, no doubt a place questionable at best as a home for her late husband's life and innermost thoughts. His surviving daughter (Jeannie) would probably feel the same way, anyway i get bad vibes from her in any event, the kind of feelings arising from two people that are more or less forced or expected to get along, but really have nothing in common and see nothing the same way. Her's is a house where it's illegal to lay on the couch in the living room, lest the facial/hair oils wear the couch out (and we're not talking about furniture imported from Italy either). it's a fucking couch, what the hell do you have it for if you can't take a nap on it if you should feel like it... on the same note the diary, what's the point in having a diary if it's never going to be read, if the lessons one learns in life are kept from review by fellow humans... well here we're talking about information waste again... but then again my argument is coming from an individual with a diary accessible to a billion people at the click of a button, who's spent thousands of hours writing poetry and expressing ideas, then creating the means to make it freely available to anyone and everyone in the world with no strings attached (other than that its not censured, plagiarized nor used to generate revenue), i suppose it shouldn't come as a surprise that this point of view may be contrasted by individuals who do not delve nor partake in such pursuits...

but anyway, back to genes: as i was saying i find the similarities between my grandfather and myself remarkable. here i stumble across old diaries of his at my grandmother's house last weekend, in a vacuum he had written, as i had started writing-feeling some sort of intrinsic need to write and to express, to document my worthless life for whatever may come. i read over his old entries contemplating the nature of life, the feeling of inadequacy with a limited life and a limitless range of interests to pursue, and the inability to rationalize the actions and lives of many of the people around him, all the while thinking to myself "these are my words written in this book," my mind in a different body, a different time, a different life. it makes me feel guilty that i did not ever really know him, perhaps guilty that he did not ever really know me for who i am today. it would be romantic to think that someday or somehow i could, but he was, just as i am, well aware that only what we leave behind lives on: our genes, our memory, and for the two of us.... what we've written. 2 generations later i have more in common with him than i did with my mother, yet i've never even had a conversation with him - i know only by reading my thoughts mirrored in his handwriting. so now as a physicist converses with the letters of Bohr and Kelvin, i converse with but a shadow of a mind. would anyone be proud of who i am today, what i think, how i live? my life is un-commendable; i have made very little, if anything, of the gifts circumstantially granted to me; my life has helped no one but myself, and that for which i live-i find it ever impossible to even believe in the romance embraced by the vast majority of those around me, something utterly simple and effortless, yet beyond my ability to give myself to. i don't think my mother could understand who i am and how i think if she were here to judge, i don't know that my father could understand my need to write and to express-though he could understand the parts of me that my mother could not, my brother and sister-it's too early to know; sometimes i look at them and can feel their need for something, what it is i don't know, maybe its my need i see as a displacement in my life or perhaps either my brother or sister will eventually learn the need to write as well; my friends?-we're a mixed bag of marbles, belonging in the same bag, but sharing only a percentage of markings perhaps, it's hard to judge with peers -would i be proud of many people if i could know their innermost secrets? somehow i think if my grandfather were here and could know everything about me he'd still be proud of me and my place in this world so far. but now of course i can never know....

well... i've nothing planned for tomorrow-except for mailing a garage-door-opener to darthmullet (i'm pretty sure i'm out of range to be opening our old apt. garage right now), we'll see what becomes of the day, i don't work well by daylight, i should have slept at 18oo and been waking up about now.... oh well... but where does the time go anyway (besides into the hole called "windows 9x/2k/Fme/XP"-time goes in, nothing that saves you time ever comes out)?-but i really didn't spend 5 hours writing this, there was pizza and some conversations and the like somewhere in there as well...



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