start.o9.2oo2



2oo2o9o1.17o6

so i've been looking for these headphones for a while, ok, well i guess they're not 'headphones' but rather 'earbuds' or 'earphones'. i think i mentioned this in an earlier entry in any event what i've wanted are SONY MDR-EX70LP, $50 MSRP, last week i looked at TARGET and BEST BUY, but couldn't find them... yesterday i looked at CIRCUT CITY and a different TARGET, also to no avail... on my way home, next to a monstrously arrogant HAWTHORNE MALL, there was this small electronics specialty shop, TWEETER, fucking cool name if anything. Place reminds me a lot of AUDIO KING once i get in there, i find a lot of that down here, exact same niches dominated by look-alike chains, no word yet on whether the omni-chains are still as trashy down here, BEST BUY looks about the same-upscale from Fargo, but about the same as Minneapolis stores (and don't expect any WAL-MART comparisons, they're all white trash...), TARGET's outlay was backwards in the one i recently visited-normally you want to walk in on the left-hand-side of the store because one's natural inclination is to go right (right handed, reading left to right, etc.) but this store was backwards-wonder why they do that-identity?. Anyway this TWEETER place is able to grab a pair of these 'earbuds' from a separate store, $53.xx, ouch. i checked earlier online today and found them for $34.99 at BUY.COM, no tax, no shipping... hmmm... $35 or $55 for the same thing... that's a hard decision... so feeling bad i trek in there today to cancel and get a credit refund (they made me purchase them before they'd pick them up for me). The guy who sold the units to me yesterday says "Those look so cool i think i'm going to get me a pair..." Now, and keep in mind this is only my interpretation, wtf?-i'm already buying them i don't need any more sales pitches to pressure me into the purchase (which i had already made the day prior), and i'm not quite naive enough to not see the whole psychology of "walking away with a pleasurably reinforced experience" i don't need to be talked into my purchases by sales drones, as i already knew what i wanted before i even walked into their store and my purchase was driven by whether or not they had the product i was looking for, not by what shit they had gathering dust on their shelves... so this whole "take me for a fucking joe" approach made me feel a whole lot less bad about my decision to retract my purchase offer (which they graciously honored per their store policy). Looked awesome enough for him to want them,-he can have the ones i left at the store...

i've really been craving Tempura Soba all day today, there are a zillion Japanese Sushi and Noodle joints, should've stopped at one and had supper... oh well. Thinking that's all i need is to get used to eating Japanese restaurant food whimsically, as that's one thing i will 1oo% not have any access to when i have to move back north for the 3 months following my Chicago stint, probably the 6 weeks in South Africa, and most assuredly the 6 weeks i'll be staying in Bismark-i'm pretty sure the only Japanese things in Bismark will a limited selection of cars, electronics, and me. that'll be great, at least it'll affirm my belief that i probably won't be spending the rest of my life in North Dakota.

oh yes, and the money i saved on the 'earbuds' i spent instead on PI and Requiem For A Dream for Patti and Greg. Speaking of whom, are at some relatives for the time being, i was invited to pop by, but i opted to just come "home" instead.

still not sure why i can't get my camera and LOST to get along (still crashes LOST...), LOST won't take the drivers on the Canon disc, yet can't seem to install things correctly by itself either. SMEAT! suggested that i look for updated USB drivers on IBM's website (which i suspect may be part of the problem as LOST insists on installing 3 USB drivers and 3 USB root controllers for my 2 USB ports-unless there's another one somewhere that i don't know about, or if there's some sort of software configuration with splitting 1 port into 2 and then treating them separately or something-i really don't know dick about USB so hell if i know?-just seems that 2 ports should require no more than 2 drivers), which is a great idea, except i don't have any inet access with LOST yet, still waiting for AT&T to "check" whether or not this house is able to receive their broadband (cable) service. "What's your address?" - "2151 xxx xxx; xxx, IL xxxxx." - "are you sure, the computer starts with 216o." - "uh.... i'm standing in a house located at 2151, i'm pretty sure it exists, shall i check again?" - "well we'll send someone out to check and see if your address is able to receive broadband, should we check to see if you're eligible for cable television too?" - "what's the difference in what needs to be checked?" - "nothing, i think." - "sure, sounds great, have 'em check that too." - "alright we'll contact you in 5-7 days regarding your service, is there anything else i can do for you?" - "nope that should do it, thanks a lot." - "well thank you sir for contacting AT&T broadband providing the fastest and most reliable yada hooda dooda blah blah blah blah blah blah, have a nice day..." *hang-up* do they honestly need to always have those huge corporate bamboozlements at the end of every phone call?-perhaps see the above statement regarding my take on sales psychology. anyway hope nothing stands in the way of me and my "broadband"..."broadband," what a misnomer, i don't suppose they're ever going to call anything less than 128 down "narrowband" and everything between 128 and 1M "standardband" and stuff that's truly fast "broadband"... seems to me that the naming scheme hasn't quite done a very commendable job of keeping up with the technology it's trying to describe. Of course "broadband" is more of a marketdrone's sales hype than an actual quantifiable product, to the best of my knowledge anyway... i could check, GOOGLE.COM would know, not that i have access to Mr. google at the moment though... might end up having to buy a CompactFlash card reader instead :(

mobile phones, damned if you do, fucked if you don't:
so i'm still with SPRINT PCS, really wanted, and still want an AT&T phone but it won't work in Fargo-so wtf would i do for the 6 weeks i spend there after my time in Chicago-land is done? sooo... keeping the sprint phone as it'll work in both places, only problem is this: it doesn't work well... AT&T anecdotally has a lot fucking better service than does sprint, it's cheaper, and offers a lot more services (and minutes) for that cheaper price... ever since that time in Fergus a few weeks ago when Mandy tried calling a couple of times before coming over and got "network busy" messages instead of either yours truly or my VM (and subsequently did not come over), i've had the distinct feeling that i've been missing calls, not that i usually get very many calls or anything, but i just have a hunch that people are having a hard time getting through to me... The truism that there's 2 sides to every coin actually applies in this case!- the upside?- i retain the same plan i had before, at the same price, carried month-to-month, but with no obligation... i can quit any time, which i'm sure i'll do before spending my last 3 months of rotations (~$190 worth of service) in areas where my particular sprint plan will almost certainly not work (South Africa and Bismark)...

guess that's about all the "news" for now, went to Barnes & Noble today and purchased (at newsstand grrr...) the Economist's newest issue as all i got in the mail was the cover, with the guts probably in some PO trashcan somewhere in downtown Chicago or something. Wish they'd either: make the magazines robust enough to survive the Postal battlemech automaton papershredders/mailsorters or plastic-wrap them like CAR does (don't nudie mags do that too, or is that just at newsstand?), but that's ok, i purchased the subscription at the student-discounted rate in any event, so i have a few more mags to purchase at newsstand before my breakeven of a "normal" subscription purchase. the magazine's fucking awesome anyway so i guess it's not a big deal for $5 (then another $5 for the BN Breve').

oh yea, and i didn't get to the PO in time, yesterday, to mail that damn garage door opener... that's probably $40 out of the deposit...

2oo2o9o1.1813


2oo2o9o2.o753

man, i slept for about 12 hours yesterday... something about sleeping too much-when i do i always have really fucked up dreams, or in any event i remember them more, perhaps because too much sleep means more time dreaming but not falling in and out of deep sleep (where one would normal forget his/her dreams)... anyway dreamed a bunch of stuff, mostly at home in Fergus, i dreamed that Scheides' younger brother, Ian had motorized my mothers old 10-speed Raleigh and was doing tricks with it across the road on the farm. there were also a bunch of people over visiting for some reason and all these old people were ripping on me because i was keeping someone company on a swing set and it was loud or something... anyway makes about as much sense as most dreams i suppose...

so according to the Economist (last issue of August 'tale of two bellies') with the current demographic trends the US may have as many as 5oom+ people living here within the next 5o years... what this does is affirm my belief to invest solely in the US stock market (via mutual funds) as no other advanced global market will be able to match the US growth with the growing population to support it... sure everyone will have problems, including the US, but it's a lot safer to invest in an economy supported by a growing population... also this works out well for me being that i will be in the home-owning market in the next few years, as long as i buy in a decent city i'll be in good shape, was reading yesterday that downtown Chicago's pop is expected to expand from 85k to 125k in the next 2o years ... still trying to decide what the best amount to invest in a house would be, while the housing market certainly appreciates (if you buy your house in a decent place anyway) the market boasts an annual return of 1o% - the housing market certainly does not, so spending extra on a house, to a degree, is actually losing money, especially given the compound interest and the fact that homes are purchased early in life... but one can't rent forever this is money spent on the acquisition of no capital, which is worse... i have yet to find the happy medium. of course one doesn't actually spend the house money up front, but rather borrows, and pays per month, so the difference in cost is really only the difference between the cost of buying and the cost of renting, weighed against the value of the asset acquired and the amount of time it takes to acquire it, also weighed against the value of the difference after a compounded 1o% rate of return... the smartest thing to do i suppose would be to buy old homes, fix them up and then re-sell them thereby making money, while also living for free... too bad i don't know anything about fixing up homes. Just got done talking to Patti, apparently the neighbors are selling their house for $369,9oo, which they purchased less than 2 years ago for $259,ooo... this is more than a 1o% return...

as long as i'm pseudotalking about economics, S&P (more or less) recently downgraded VIVENDI's stock to "Junk" status, fucking right, Vivendi's on the short road to hell :) no more acquisition-driven growth for them it would seem *sinister laugh*, QWEST sold QWESTDEX for $7.1b to alleviate some of their ~$3ob of debt, they're still fucked anyway.... wonder when/if they're still planning on selling off their wireless division, i'll bet AT&T buys it... sometimes i think AT&T's just too big and powerful, apparently they just agreed to sell about a 27% stake in TWE along with a 1/5 share of some cable company owned by AOhell (AOL), it will also receive $3.6b for this as well as some of AOhell's new cable company, holy fuck-can you imagine such an empire? Wonder whose side of that bargain is a better deal?-i'd imagine AT&T's as they're survivors, AOL is just an upstart and if my predictions serve me correctly, will hurt TIME WARNER quite a bit as their growth-driven inflated value falls down more than it already has. i think the origional merger plan was for AOL to gain broadband access via TW's cable subsidiaries, have yet to see AOL gain anything in this market though. One of the pitfalls of tricking stupid people into buying your service, it's hard to get them to logically want to change to a different service, AOL'll have to trick them again to switching to the obviously superior cable service... wonder what they'll charge though, being that their dialup is already something like $2o/month i can't imagine it'll match competitor's cable prices and maintain the same profit margins... unless they're dishing out more for phone lines than they will be for cable networks (as they don't own local phone companies for their ISPs but will do so for their cable services).. speaking of AOL on a more personal level Patti and Greg are paying for AOL and an extra phone line to support it (i.e. paying for 2 evil empires, AOL and Ameritech (i remain convinced that all phone companies are evil)), believe me, by the time i'm gone this will change, they'll be paying more for better service with cable.data service from AT&T, that'll help bury the hatchet...in AOL's head, heh. maybe this gets back to the whole AT&T's too big argument, but they do seem to offer better services than do their competitors, i'd be investing in AT&T right now as i'll bet anything they'll be gaining a lot more market access since so many belly up telcoms will be on sale for basement bargain prices... if the FTC allows AT&T to buy in any event, sometimes i wonder about the whole BABY BELLs thing. the telcoms have, for the most part, crashed and hurt the American investing public horribly, and such a huge percentage of their budget is spent on advertising and other stuff... the whole competition idea for telcom service is fundamentally flawed as the barriers to entry are so great it's reasonably impossible for anyone to enter the ring and fight... if a lot of it were just either a regulated monopoly or government run prices could possibly be lower for the consumer... too bad in the long run the absence of competition, corporate lobbying or government pork would ultimately make the idea unworkable. i'm not generally much of a fan of government regulation against a free market but there are just so many wasteful aspects of capitalism...

ever think it's interesting that America doesn't have a 7-day workweek? i mean hell, we're fucking ruthless on all other business fronts... the only reason why businesses aren't open 7 days a week is because people have their own desks and this makes rotation/sharing of workstations impossible. imagine everyone who works having either 4 or 5 day weeks with 3 or 2 days off per week, respectively (either 4x1o, 5x8 or work a .8 @ 4x8). but different people have different days off (ie not just sat/sun), one could increase the efficiency of building space and the like by 2/7, parking ramps could be smaller, buildings could be smaller, rent could be less, many types of customer support/service could be offered every day of the week, etc etc. this thinking is probably flawed and narrow sighted, but i wouldn't be too surprised to see this as more and more physical business needs are replaced by digital needs (ie people can share terminals, but not really desks filled with office goodies and filing cabinets full of stuff). yesterday while at the mall i saw some advertising signs that looked like normal lighted stand-alone signs (about 2" thick x 24" wide x 48" high) but then the images vertically cycled to different advertisements i have no idea if these images were digital or analogue, i'd imagine the latter given the price of flatscreen technology (and the fact that i could see the different pictures physically cycle and i'd tend to think this isn't something ad-agencies would normally choose as being aesthetic vs. a fade-out/in or the all too familiar seizure-inducing instantaneous image-swapping seen on TV), but it seems to me that these would be awesome if used as cubicle-divider replacements. see this could also enhance terminal sharing if each person could either design his/her own image with pictures of the kids etc, and just switch to his/hers when he/she switches or arrives at his/her terminal. this is probably one of those things that would only go over well at some tech. co. in California, but who knows what the future might bring... when flatscreen tech. catches up with the means to produce it at a reasonable cost expect flatscreen everything: cubicles, artwork, windows, kitchen countertops, bathroom mirrors, et al. the sales possibilities are virtually limitless, interactive cooking instructions and recipes appearing at whim on the kitchen countertops, switching from marble to mica-flecked granite per whim, refrigerator doors that can show you where that Tupperware full of broccoli from last week resides, etc. etc. as i said before the possibilities are virtually limitless...it'll be especially cool if our fucking holograph technology ever goes anywhere, that was the biggest tech buzz about 1o years ago, wtf happened? it'll also be better when we can design image-producing devices that don't give people headaches too...

wish i could get my fucking camera to upload images to LOST... speaking of camera, i spent $99 in a 128m CF card a month ago, yesterday when i placed my order at BUY.COM there was a 256m one for $99, you can't fucking win!-i did my homework and everything, $99/128m was a good price, fucking bastards. i'll have to talk to darthmullet, he was thinking about getting a portable .mp3 player which may require a CF card for media storage, if that's the case maybe i'll offer to sell him my 128m for $50 (probably the going rate) and then just buy a 256m for the $1oo bucks, effectively buying another 128m for $5o, 2/3-ing my loss from a month ago while not ripping anyone off or anything... speaking of .mp3 players, turns out fucking FRAUNHOFER (sp?) is now demanding $o.75 per encoder, fucking bastards, just makes me think more that Ogg Vorbis (available @ Xiph.org , it's free, and better than .mp3, check it out!) is the way to go... too bad i already have so many damn .mp3s all over the place. signal15 apparently is a huge Ogg Vorbis fan purely because of the better musical quality (he's one of us audiophiles), but i've never thought it a big deal as computer speakers get so much fucking machine noise output anyway...

listening to NIN right now, it's been a while... been listening to more carefree stuff lately, a lot of DAFT PUNK, ORBITAL, DIDO, DAVID GREY, etc, etc. (even though the producer mentality is decidedly unserious as Orbital is a huge renewable energy proponent). Serious stuff is still where it's at, my playlist is 11h of NIN and SKINNY PUPPY at the moment :) . speaking of music, i still need scheides to send me some of his guitar riff stuff that he wanted me to write some test-lyrics for, he played it a bit at his lake cabin (PURDONLODGE.COM) a couple of months ago, and it was an awesome tune. hopefully have him record it as .wav, burn them then send a CD (along with some MANSON and TOOL that i'm missing here on LOST (yea, yea, i own all the CDs, just didn't lug them to Chicago-land)) then i can play with the tune, rearrange and shit via SOUNDFORGE, plug in some lyrics with my shaky and unharmonious voice, .mp3 it and send it back (by that time i hopefully will have an inet connection for LOST).. speaking of Soundforge, KIDNEY THIEVES use it solely for their musical rendering... kind of a cool tidbit...

so i just checked my e mail and shit upstairs (via AOL), man AOL is a fucking stupid service, got a popup signing in offering a free software service called "Cache & Cookie Washer" touting "increased HD space." wtf? also an offer for some additional account for a free 45 days then "only" $23.9o/month for "unlimited" usage, which accounts for not very much given the usual rule of 1m/hour download rate for dialup, 2m/hour @ 56k, so then 50m/day or 1.5g/month if one were to stay connected 24/7 for an entire month, for which one would require another phone line, which would cost an average of $35/month. hmmm... $25 + $35 = $6o, $6o is more than the price of a cable.data service, but then Patti uses the extra line to dial into work (which functions as its own ISP) and isn't sure if it's accessible via an outside ISP... all of these things are factors, but i remain convinced that there's a cheaper way which doesn't involve paying $25/month for a dialup connection... fucking AOL and their predatory practices... this is another reason why i'm convinced that AOL will flounder... even if they drop prices to match their competitors, their customers will inevitably and invariably realize that AOL has been ripping them off and will start jumping ship leaving them with a huge, but worthless, infrastructure to support in a world that no longer uses traditional modems for their data needs... generally speaking, people don't like being ripped off and usually become angry when they find that they've been overcharged. the fact that AOL is still the largest ISP in the country just goes to show that general internet knowledge is still very low, which makes me sad that people are being taken advantage of, but i suppose that's why it's called America On-Line.

what else is going on? well GW 'is our children learning' Bush is still intent on attacking IRAQ even though every other country in the world opposes it (except for Britain officially, although the majority of its citizens do). According to the administration the GULF WAR of 1991 never "officially" ended, and thus an attack on Iraq would be justified by the fact that we're still technically at war with them, loophole anyone? hypocrisy anyone? stupidity anyone? anyone remember someone named "OSAMA BIN LADEN?" According to a recent report he is "probably still alive." Yea, no shit-i could've "probably" told you that without the official report... weren't we supposed to be like, uh... apprehending him or something as the primary objective of the "war on terror?" speaking of which the only terror i've experienced since the "war on terror" began is that associated with the opaque despotic-like powers granted to the likes of the BUSH CABINET. "Enemy Combatants" and life sentences for "hackers," ("hackers" of course does not include the RECORDING INDUSTRY ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA (RIAA) which is still attempting to "hack" file-swapper's computers without any repercussions whatsoever) doesn't give me one of those warm & fuzzy feelings, maybe we need to rethink the nature of our foreign allies. Since we're talking about "foreign allies" and "despots" in the same sentence it's worth noting that Pakistani "president" Pervez Musharraf just made some unilateral constitutional amendments and granted himself another term in office (after banishing his 3 primary political opponents). How? - because he can, Why? - because he felt like it. How about Egypt - you know, the place the CIA brings people to torture because it's illegal here in the US, how about Saudi Arabia- you know the decidedly unfree place that sells us 1/4 of our oil, but whose people also decidedly hate America? how about it?-they are our "Allies," and last time i checked GW used the terms "allies" and "friends" interchangeably. unless of course he's talking about "every American being an ally in the war on terror" (by calling into the new "anti-terror" hotline to call in "suspicious people" who generally turn out to either: foreign people, or white people with foreign friends, in both cases hard-working and tax-paying legal residents (ie not "evil" and non-terrorists)) and then labeling 2 Americans "enemy combatants" and thereby denying them a fair trail because the government's faulty evidence has about as much a chance of getting a conviction in a civilian court as anyone voicing dissent in the Whitehouse has of keeping his/her job. Those Americans apparently were not allies nor friends, so this makes me think that i'm an Ally-yay! until the feds decide that they don't like something i'm doing, yet don't have any real case against me, and thereby label me as some wartime hodgepodge and deny me my "inalienable" rights, until the "war" (on terror) "believed to be self-evident." speaking of real Brazil gets a loan! $3ob from the IMF, which will probably prevent their population from spending their time sifting through Argentinean garbage. Even after one of the very stupidest member of the Bush Cabinet (i know it's hard to make these kinds of comparisons, but just try): Paul O'Neil had made the wisest-of-the-wise statement accusing Brazil of intent to funnel would-be aid to Swiss bank accounts (which of course he had about as much basis for saying as the US has evidence tying Iraq to AL-QUEDA). Speaking of al-Queda; apparently they have nerve-gas as a released to NEWSWEEK (magazine) videotape (VHS, betamax is officially dead as of recently) showed its terrible effect on man's best friend (aka 'dog' no coincidence on the backwards spelling of 'god' being that al-Queda is decidedly religious).

and what's going on in people's heads in relation to all of this? Nothing, our heads are empty, in 99.99% of us anyway... why do people stop learning? i shouldn't say "stop learning" i should really say "slow in learning". Living with 4-year old Kevin has really made me realize how much and how quickly the developing person takes in the world around him/her. yet how much does the average person learn after the age of, say, 18? the information curve is steep, always steep. we ride it when we're young, but then stop when we get older, do we choose this? are we unable to ride it throughout our lives? are we lazy? are we hapless? hopeless? do we lack bandwidth, ambition, insight, what? i oft wonder what forces keep us from attaining our ability...

i think that's about it for now...

2oo2o9o2.1239


2oo2o9o3.2346

ok, so life is really starting to get boring around here, maybe it's just the fact that i sat around for all 3 days of last weekend, or the fact that i don't know anyone to hang out with, or a mix of these, but i'm deadbeat... what i'm really in the mood for is some Crown on the rocks, or perhaps Jameson... probably not too much of that sitting around though... just spent the last hour of my time surfing /. and posting shit that no one's going to read via an AOL connection, ugh...

i think i need to be around more "computer people" along with a tendency to drink a lot more and be less married with 4-year old kids and stuff... where will i be in a few years? where will my friends be? what will people be doing?

SMEAT!, mess, scheides, and reddog are going to go to a TOOL concert in Minneapolis tomorrow night, fucking cool, if i were fewer than 8 hours away i'd have gone, damn the man... darthmullet was going to go too, but had made those plans this past summer, and since he's now probably broke, going back to school, working all the time, and the lifestyle to go along with it, has decided that he can't swing it, which sucks, but maybe t-dogg or someone will opt to go instead...

what i really need to spend my time doing is updating the site and getting shit ready for upload when i get connected to a real pipe, don't have much to add, nothing really, just the entries from last month's diary-which amount to nothing interesting, and a couple of poems... i think. i've been spending some time at a BN the past couple of days, it's been alright, haven't really been able to write much though, poetry just isn't flowing very well lately, maybe it's too much sleep, maybe it's the fact that it's still summer-time... although i did write quite a bit last summer, but then again i was sort of seeing dena8 at the time (if you could even call it that) so i was feeling something...

it's funny, although our lives have become so long, how much of them are actually spent doing what we want to be doing. true we choose our own paths, but regardless of the choice do we ultimately become a slave, save only to necessity? choose your commitments, and give yourself to the absolutism of commitments in our world. in the broader scope of things i suppose we are first and foremost slaves to ourselves, purely, in a sense of being owned by the nature of that which differentiates us from others, while at the same time also a slave to the whims which drive all humans. perhaps all creatures. hunger, thirst, shelter, sex, belonging, contentment, fulfillment, reward, etc. etc. which of these do you not, on some level, need? which of these do you have enough of? one's needs are never truly met, they are ongoing, insidious, ominous and all-powerful. are they to be deified? worship your own weakness, is this the nature of religion? is religion some sort of need?

2oo2o9o4.ooo6


2oo2o9o6.1835

you know sitting here listening to NIN always makes me marvel Reznor's ingenuity, to think of his music and the time period when so much of it was created and released just makes so apparent the originality and boldness required for such a feat. his music carries so much emotion, his voice is so utterly sincere, and the lyrics are beautifully written poetry, the man put Industrial music into the mainstream, single-handedly. no small feat. really makes me wonder how much amazing music abounds in the world that i've never heard before, nor probably ever will. i wish the industry was more oriented toward rewarding originality and musical daring than promoting bland and mindless music for the masses. every time i hear Skinny Puppy i think the same thing: simply amazing, but too far above the intellectual abilities of too many people...

in any event it's Friday, another week passes where nothing overly worthwhile transpires, going to a family barbeque tomorrow, that should be a good time. other than that AT&T hasn't called about broadband yet, calling them right now to see if they "checked" yet...uh... guess they haven't.. i'm really feeling the itch to be online, i just feel so cut off without such a ready pipe to information... i finally decided to call s4r today, at work. she apparently wasn't there and the person i talked to on the phone was just a bitch to me, don't know what her deal was specifically. mostly i guess i just want to know if there's some reason why she hasn't gotten a hold of me at all in over 2 months, if our situations were reversed i most certainly would have contacted her... but i suppose this is the root of my uncertainty about this issue.

2oo2o9o6.1846


2oo2o9o7.1317

so i was listening to the radio the other day and someone from NPR was interviewing 2 republican senators about the seemingly imminent war with Iraq. one of them, in passing, had made the comment: "war is terrible, no one wants war, with war everyone loses." it occurred to me that this truism is widely believed by the public and manipulated by those who do actually benefit from war, and thus this spot in my diary.

War, in war there are winners, otherwise there'd be no war, even humanity isn't stupid enough to pursue endeavors in which there is no potential gain for anyone. one of the aspects of conflict inherent in the human species, which varies widely from our mammalian counterparts is that the clan-leaders, traditionally the biggest and strongest in the animal kingdom, do not actually face any real danger in human conflict. the fact that all the commanding officers and rich fat bloated politicians send poor and middle-class working denizens away to be killed to fulfill their own agendas (which do not generally involve the persons they are supposed to be representing) with, usually, little if any personal dangers imposed to themselves in the process provides for an all-too tempting incentive to use war as an avenue of exploitation. of course people are placed at some political risks with voters and all that, but it's not quite the same as running around with machine guns while bearing gangrenous wounds. in contrast to political risks, war has historically made public leaders exceedingly popular, and during times of war are the only instances where American presidents have served for longer than 8 years (the mandated limit, well 10 years if you're a VP turned president for 2 of them). wars, while providing a huge tome of human suffering, have also provided countless instances of their benefit to those who have waged them. the US currently states that we must "Remove Saddam Hussein at all costs," how does this idea coincide with the "with war no one wins" ideology?-of course it doesn't-and so the real question is whether not the cost of war is less than the cost associated with Mr. Hussein remaining in power, which, personally, i don't feel has been explored with enough quantitative data to properly ascertain. with war theoretically the country (and allies) waging it are supposed to benefit (thus the reason for it in the first place), there are several instances where this has been the case, WWII probably being the most popular and politically correct example, especially in hindsight 5o years later since the axis of defeat comprise some of the strongest economies and technologically advanced populations on the planet: Japan and Germany having the world's 2nd and 3rd largest global economies, respectively. Italia, also considered an ally to Hitler during the war (although Benito Mussolini "switched" several times) has also remained handily within the top 10 economies worldwide (as well as perhaps one of the best places one could want to reside). Desert Storm/Shield/etc. was another case of a generally successful war, did people benefit?-certainly so, especially the Barbara Bush family who happened to own a zillion oil wells in Kuwait, but there really wasn't a whole lot that actually got accomplished in the Mid-east during the war (except the liberation of Kuwait, which the US government couldn't really give a flying fuck about...). of less tangible benefit is that the US military got to "test out" a bunch of their experimental weapons systems in the field, the US looked "good" in front of the world, Daddy Bush became more popular, etc. but most of the favorable Desert Storm rhetoric is from the fact that only a handful of US soldiers died in the fighting (less favorable is that most of them did so because other Americans killed them accidentally).

however there are several wars in which this was clearly not the case, Viet Nam comes to mind (though i don't know that it was a "war" as opposed to a "conflict"), and its gross unpopularity single-handedly abolished "the draft" (although this isn't to say it cannot be re-instated) and today the US has one of the only purely volunteer armies in the world. in addition Vietnam was a conflict in which we lost, mostly due to poor politics associated with the excursion. Since the conflict actually had little to do with the country, but rather the spread of communism via the Viet Kong in the northern part of the country, which was backed by the USSR, and the US didn't want to infuriate them too badly, so we spent our time bombing politically "popular" targets like bridges, instead of useful military targets like weapons factories, and depositories... but as was just stated the US lost this conflict with the historically amazing Saigon exodus in which thousands of our allies flew their puddle-jumpers into the sea in vain attempts to flee the country as the Viet Kong seized their city. the "WAR" ON DRUGS is another horrific failure. now the war on drugs isn't a war by definition nor tradition as it involves no sovereign nor easily identifiable enemy, but rather an idiom and the only thing Americans have to show for this multi-billion dollar "war" is huge prison systems to hold hundreds of thousands of mandatory-sentence drug offenders, and another huge number of violent offenders incompatible with an urbane society released from said institutions to make room for people who's boyfriends stored, unbeknownst to them, pot at their apartment, and who happened to live across the street from a school. we pay more money to support prisons, corrupt law enforcement, and other varyingly failing social institutions for little if any benefit in our daily lives (may would argue that our lives are worse since the "war"). it is doubtless in my mind that the "WAR" ON TERRORISM will only achieve the same end. Roughly 1 year ago in an e-mail to some idiot i used to get "fwd: fwd: FWD: RE: fwd: read this funny!" type e mails all the time promoting all manner of idiotic notions ranging from jesus saving people to finding humor poking fun out of people even simpler than those reading the e mails, apparently... anyway roughly 1 year ago, in response to one of these e mails (which was asserting the need for war in Afghanistan) i had predicted that our pursuit would ultimately fail in that: we would not eliminate terrorism, would not find Bin Laden, and that the US would abuse its role vs. terror. Today, sadly, all of these predictions have more or less come to pass, things could yet still change, but i'm not betting on it... but most wars come out somewhere in between the two poles, but very seldom is there a war in which everyone involved truly suffers.

on a totally different note: Sagan and Druyan asserted in their book "SHADOWS OF FORGOTTEN ANCESTORS" that it's probably evolutionarily advantageous for small children to have a strange tendency to be afraid of "monsters" and thus keep them close to their parents who, in the wild past, would've protected them from predators. Wonder if the matter has been explored? i had been wondering about this several years ago, along with the affinity in children for all manners of natural protection/hiding in their predilection for snow-forts (tunnels especially), tree-houses, building artificial caves and the sort out of blankets & furniture, and anything of the sort, which in the primitive past may have been a survival strategy. evolution loses so much meaning in an advanced society as there's really no mal-adaptive mediated genetic inability to pass one's genes on, save for reproductive deficiencies (which are being circumvented with varying medical success), and life-threatening abnormalities, like an inability to metabolize fructose (which is also, today, not an absolute barrier to survival, and thus pass one's deficiency on to his/her offspring). so in a society today where one's ability to think is his/her greatest asset, but provides no reproductive advantage the species will lose it's ability to trend/adapt greatly over time, which will inevitably lead certain small subsets of individuals to dominate the rest of the population with any genetic advantage their familial line may accrue. perhaps we're destined for inequality.

i've oft wondered as well about the evolution of the opposable thumb. not so much from a strict adaptation/evolutionary standpoint but rather the adoption by varying areas of the brain to compensate for changes in appendage structure. do this simple experiment: think about typing something with your feet, seemingly invariably i always imagine my great toe acting as my pointer finger, second toe acting as my middle, and pinky, pinky. the 2 remaining toes just sort of get forgotten about when thinking about typing an "S" (or an "E" if you're using a DVORAK outlay), i think of the ball of my foot as a thumb, for pushing the spacebar and the like... so my question is this. if our great toes were to somehow become opposable on our feet would the same part of our brain that now treats the heel as a thumb for the keyboard change to instead utilize the great toe, or would it just sort of atrophy and the current great-toe section still attain control of its precious appendage? maybe this experiment is flawed in that everyone won't think of typing with his/her feet the same way, but i'm still curious...

Barbeque today at Cynthia's, should be a good time, scheides called today from FF, Anna and himself are there for a wedding, my brother's (gonzometro) still apparently in the process of moving shit to Minneapolis, so he's in Fergus as well. talked to him the other day, he and his roomie Dizmo had fucked themselves into sharing some SPRINT PCS plan with only 35o minutes from o7oo to 21oo every month (between the two of them) and paying $3o a piece for it... fucking shitty, so myself and scheides talked them into both getting their own phones from AT&T for $4o they now each have their own with twice as many minutes, better service (AT&T vs. SPRINT service in Minneapolis aren't even on the same range of reliability), probably better features (text messaging and the like...), and the like. just like steering him away from wasting his time at NDSU, it's good to know i'm making a difference, heh.

from reading Grandpa's diary i've decided to write very little about work and working (i don't think that i currently do, but just a mental note), because it's not very interesting to read about, or reflect on later. writing about work is also very poorly reflective of what i'm thinking, or what's generally going on in my life...

i've been listening to music with my old earphones for the past couple of hours (SONY MDR E525) and my ears are really starting to hurt, the little thingies that are supposed to fit in the ear are a little to big for my "earholes." the pair i ordered won't be like this... can't wait until they come. the whore i am purchased "PI" and "REQUIEM FOR A DREAM" from BUY.COM earlier this week when i purchased my new earphones, the DVD's came today but the headphones didn't, UPS.COM's ETA is on the 11th. anyway i try not to buy any DVD's as i don't wanna give Jack's (Volenti) evil antics any more support, but it's too fucking hard to love art but hate the entity supplying it, and it's also terrible in and of itself to have to disapprove of buying something that is clearly worthy of being purchased because of the associated support for the MPAA. but i figured these titles were released from ARTISIAN, which is probably not quite as terrible tied to the MPAA as many of the other labels...

anyway, think that's about it for now.

2oo2o9o7.1513


2oo2o91o.1711

got my earphones today! holy shit it's nice to have something that can feed my ears decent sound. Upon preliminary testing these things easily pull down to 25Hz while still providing full and accurate bass, while still providing very decent highs, i would say the 16,ooo-18,ooo range is very impressive, although they are a bit harsh and not like my old soft-domed Boston's (BOSTON ACOUSTICS) that i used to have in my car... this is one of the advantages to having virtually all of the NIN tracks memorized note-for-note and beat-for-beat. i know all of many spots where a subtle note is surrounded by to bass hits that 99% of systems i've heard simply can't play correctly, as well as rigorous soft-note and sharp-note tweeter workouts. there's still quite a bit of background noise due to machine interference, and i am listening to mp3, although at 256kbps most of the mp3 artifacts are more or less covered up by cheap computer audio components... listening to Heresy (Blind remix) from halo 9 Closer To God reminds me so much of my old car stereo, i had 2 RF Audiophile 12's each with o.88 cubic ft. air tight-boxes powered by a RF Punch 1ooix, and Boston RC4.1 components in custom enclosures with spiders powered by a RF Punch 4oi, nothing like a MB Quart competition system or anything, but i used to sit in that car for hours and hours just enjoying the amazing sound, tip: any soundproofing you can do boosts sound quality enormously, even if it's just that rubber-foam shit you can fill up with side-panels with... anyway, i remember when playing this song (heresy (Blind)) at full-volume there's a part a little past 2 minutes in where one feels inclined to blink every time the base/treble hit plays, it's the weirdest feeling (but absolutely awesome), the point being that these earphones remind me of that feeling (although don't quite give it to me in and of themselves)... well worth the $35 i paid for them...

people who've never had a car-stereo can never know how invincible listening to Eraser (track 11 Downward Spiral) at full volume with the windows rolled down in your car on a hot summer day, something about the freedom of driving intermingled with the "sky's the limit" attitude in the sunshine while the music slowly builds with layer-upon layer like some sort of erotic fantasy, until finally it breaks toying with anger and a feeling of sad realization, before fading to the next track. or the feeling of pure anger when listening to Burn (from the Natural Born Killers Soundtrack), first reveling in it, then exploding like some kind of contained volatile gaseous element "burning" down the world around it... simply amazing, you know Oliver Stone had asked Trent Reznor to do the soundtrack for Natural Born Killers, when Trent looked at some of the initial out-takes and the storyline he was so moved that he (allegedly) went home and wrote "Burn." It is every bit Natural Born Killers, every bit Nine Inch Nails, every inch truly artistic, and utterly groundbreaking. Like all of his older work it oozes expression, depth, clarity and sincerity. If i were a chic i'd dig Reznor...

lots of old car-stereo memories all around, i can remember riding back from St. Cloud (to FF) in SMEAT!'s Citation (honestly, who the hell names the model of a car to mean the same thing as a law-breaking warning) one night after purchasing Marilyn Manson's "Smells Like Children." the stereo was so fucking loud that while driving 8o down the interstate one could roll down the window and stick your head part-way out and still couldn't tell the window was open by sound... this is another area of influence SMEAT!'s had a great impact in my life: he's as psycho about perfect sound as i am, actually probably more so. He was the guy to ask about anything audio when i was in high school. and generally he still is, although, like myself, i don't think he's been keeping up too much with stereo-stuff these days...

anyway, impressed with the earphones, write more later.

2oo2o91o.1746


2oo2o91o.2231

so i just got off the phone with Sarita (Fiancé to David, who is my late mother's cousin, and Greg's younger brother, Patti's brother-in-law, you get the picture...), it looks like we're going to all go out on Thursday night to some Asian improv. theatre, then to a bar to have a drink, i'm actually pretty excited. Been really fucking itching to go out and do something, even though, oddly enough, at the same time, i've been getting used to doing nothing. i've been so fucking lazy lately it's been pissing me off quite a bit. just sleeping and working, if that's what life is then i might as well just die right now because i have a lot of ambition to pursue endeavors which do not revolve around getting a paycheck every 2 weeks and sleeping my life away. don't really think much can be done about the work- unfortunately it's kind of an inevitable part of any quality life, but i need to get my ass up by at least the 6 hour of sleep mark... what a fucking waste of time anyway, sleep 6 hours a night, that's 42 hours/week.... that's a full time job, spent doing nothing. if one could somehow just not sleep, he could work a full time job and have as much time as someone who slept 6 hours/night (less than the average American) and didn't work. uh... but anyway i'm happy to be going out on Thursday (today is Tuesday).

i've come to the conclusion that, though i really don't want to, i need to read more fiction and non-educational books if i want to become a better short story writer... either that or at least practice every once and a while... the problem with this is though that fundamentally fiction works don't hold that much allure to me, i guess i've actually read quite a few fiction pieces in my lifetime but i don't really think any of them have benefited me in my thinking, knowledge, reasoning, nor writing style as well as the worst non-fiction book i've ever read... Although many books i've read were a sort of pseudo-science hybrid, i think these are the most damaging of all books to read, potentially. They fill your head up with garbage and unless you've the mind to refute the ideas as they come you'll start believing along the lines of the book's agenda. they can be interesting reads if you remember that it's not necessarily a good source of solid information, the Graham Hancock books i've read are a good example of the type of book i am typifying; FINGERPRINTS OF THE GODS, THE SIGN AND THE SEAL, some other book about the Sphinx (i can't remember its name exactly THE MESSAGE OF THE SPHINX perhaps?), et al. Argumentative books (much like essays) are good reads, but they're also out to prove a point (more so than just selling books like the pseudoscience people though), and worst of all lose much of their value as their field of argument evolves, while some of the ideas in many books may continue to be applicable far into the future, one of my favorite argumentative books is Greg Easterbrook's A MOMENT ON THE EARTH: THE COMING AGE OF ENVIRONMENTAL OPTIMISM, but written in 1996 (if i remember correctly) so already 6 years old, with much of the data compiled from the early 199os, so then a decade... why am i rambling about books right now?

well, i suppose tomorrow is o9.11.o2, wonder if anything terrorism-wise is going to transpire to "celebrate" the 1-year anniversary of the destruction of the world-trade center. you know this whole September 11 thing has really caused a mixed set of opinions to form about things. Seeing fucking American flags everywhere and "god bless America" stickers on everything really pisses me off to no end, there is something fundamentally dangerous about living somewhere that the majority fanatically believes and the rest pretend to believe anything at all, fanaticism is not good... it's not measured thought that has lead to the sudden appearance of flags everywhere, it's an impulsive and therefore sporadic attempt to "do something" but not spending the time to figure out what that "something" should be. with a little bit of media manipulation they could all be hanging the fucking Canadian, confederate, or Cuban flag from their SUV windows for all they'd know. now i'm not saying that everyone's reaction is impulsive and fickle, but patriotism isn't derived from one bad thing, no matter how terrible, happening to someone or some group of people upon your native soil, it is a generalized feeling of pride that should be slowly realized, weighed, and measured throughout one's lifetime. if we're that fast to all be "patriots" then, by nature, we're just as fast to renounce that "patriotism." (the lyrics to a PIG (Raymond Watts) song come to mind: "And though i stand for nothing, i will fall for anything") i have never had much in the way of positive feelings toward my country of citizenship in the first place, but much less-so after everyone else is feeling exceptionally giddy with "proud to be an American"-ism. nine-eleven (as it's apparently trendy to call it) has accomplished one thing, and one thing only: limit worldwide freedom and democracy. contrary to popular belief however, this has only been achieved by opening the door for the fucking US government (and others to a somewhat lesser degree) to do whatever the hell they please anywhere in the world and to whomever they want with no justification whatsoever outside of their "because we're fighting evil" rhetoric. America practices an unsustainable culture, our entire nation is suffering from ADD/ADHD, we literally can't concentrate on one thing for more than a few seconds without becoming consumingly distracted by something else, whether it's the popular MTV cultivated music of today, the rush to get the new Ford/GMC whatthefuck at 0% APR (can you imagine as a company taking a 3% compounded hit in buying power for 5 years out?- tells me 2 things: SUVs are way overpriced to begin with (it's no mistake that i saw an $8ooo below MSRP out of the factory Lincoln Blackwood (basically a $55,ooo 2wd Chevy pickup) the other day in the paper), which they have been shown to be by their excessive profit margins, and that the auto execs are in it for the short-haul-it's quarter numbers they're looking for not 1o years out-where any investor should be looking), our miniscule savings rate (i think last year the average person saved o.2% of his/her income), or the deficit spending now currently enjoyed by the Bush administration. Speaking of ADD-is there any coherence in their cabinet in the slightest?-from Powell, Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfelt all claiming totally different things regarding Iraq, foreign economic policy announcements while people in charge of economic policies abroad and without an active part to play in said policies, and the bizarre law-swapping antics of Bush and Ashcroft i tend to think not-speaking of ADD-lets raise tariffs on steel, then repeal 50% of them, can i get a side of hash browns with that farm subsidy? within the last year the projected $1ot budget surplus in the 1o-year projections (which don't mean dick anyway, unless you're trying to justify tax breaks to your rich friends) has shrunk to less than $2oob, this year a $15ob deficit. a downturn in the economy-sure, an unforeseen terrorist attack-sure, that's understandable, however in light of such numbers i, as a constituent, expect action to curtail the impact of this downturn to adversely affect the long and intermediate outlook for life in America to be positive, the short-term isn't important unless i'm either homeless or starving, but as a member of the American public i'm not seeing nearly enough effort from my elected officials (whom i didn't actually happen to elect, for the most part) to ensure this. it's not just the republicans i'm blaming, although they have tended to be the worst for the past 2o years of my life or so, everyone could do a better job in office. perhaps the biggest problem in America is the fact that our long-term future prospects look good, too good. if the country wielding 1/3 of the gross global economy is, by all current signs, destined for future fortune, what incentive is there to make the future better, at the expense of the short-term and thus political careers when it's probably going to be good by most standards anyway? what it comes down to is this: if America is concerned about freedom it should be maintaining it, if it's concerned about cyberwarfare it should be taking the necessary steps to prevent the problem-not running windows on government servers for example as opposed to scaring people into giving the government broader powers, if it's concerned about terrorism it should take steps to prevent it while remembering that the ultimate political objective of a terrorist is to change the way his target operates and lives-if the US government has altered the way Americans live (by taking away our freedoms, privacy, rights, or security from said government-in addition to any terrorism force) then the terrorist has fulfilled his/her political agenda, if America is supporting democracy and frowning upon dictatorships/oligarchies/hegemonies/despots/banana_republics/etc/etc then it should not be supporting the likes of Egypt, Pakistan, or many of our Asian neighbors, nor should the US engage in practices in said countries that are otherwise illegal in our own, etc. etc. to me it seems like common sense; intend to better the country for the average person residing here, say as you intend, and do as you say... talk and then walk... but this doesn't happen - what the hell's the problem here? As a voter i don't give a flying fuck about the short term agenda's of elected officials, i don't care how much time the bastards spend in office and i don't care about their excuses as to why they fail to produce, i don't care if there's consolidation in the airline industry, i don't care why our intelligence agencies are misdirected and work poorly, i care only about the viability and vitality of the country in which i live in and the quality of life for my fellow humans. As a citizen in a democratic republic i have come to expect that those in office will reflect these expectations, apparently i have set my standards too high... at least next time around i would like a literate president who is able to form complete sentences at least whilst reading off the pre-scripted thingy, but preferably by himself.

*/end rant/*
i had wanted to actually discuss how i felt about 2oo1o911, but apparently i'll have to do it in a more ordered manner at a later time, i just get pissed when i start thinking about what *my* government is up to these days...

2oo2o911.ooo7


2oo2o911.1914

well, another day down the shitter...

so heed e mailed me today... not sure if i've written about any of this yet, don't know that i have... anyway a bit over a month ago i log into the mordantforum.com and it turns out that heed had registered as the name "not tid242" and launched a tirade personally attacking me because she disagreed or was offended of what i had written a couple of months prior about her former relationship with scheides. SMEAT! accidentally erased the post when trying to move it from the "mordantforum.com" section to the "tid242.com" section and i haven't heard from her since (nor had she heard from me)... until today. basically she said that she was mad, but isn't mad enough to stop being my friend. now i've had a month to think about what she had written, which was blatantly hateful, and everything that her having said it means. it doesn't make any difference whether she regrets what she's said (which she said she doesn't), she already said it. i see what she said as a gross misinterpretation of my diary and what i had said, the fact that she misunderstood to such a great degree, along with the way in which she responded, really makes me question whether my relationship with her is healthy, and whether it can be in the future. we have kept in touch a long time and i have been historically happy to see or talk to her whenever has been the case, but i think i look for a lot more on many different levels in anyone i am interested in being involved with. mostly what her rant said to me was that she only poorly, if at all understands me, how i think, how i treat people, or who i am. i've always known this, but not being in total understanding of one another does not preclude getting along together, however having a problem with these differences does. what i gathered from her tid242-bashing session is that she has a problem with the parts of me she doesn't understand, a problem with the parts she thinks she understands, and a problem with the parts she does understand. therefore if i'm to care about what she thinks, as friends do, then i have a problem as well. the whole point of having a diary that anyone and everyone can read is so that my thoughts and life can become more transparent, my fucking life is spilled out in all manners upon these pages, and someone i've known for over a decade, who (apparently/presumably) reads all of these pages still gets that pissed off when making an observation (mostly introspective) after witnessing her tears, really tells me something about the nature of my relationship with her. *sigh* anyway i replied back to her e mail with a very neutral (yet logical, measured, and proper) position statement and said that i needed more time to think about how i feel about her. if she really wanted to end any friendship we had, she could have asked, i would have told her how to do it. if she really wanted to hurt me, i would've told her how to best do it, had she asked. now i'm not even sure if i'd be around to hear the question.

been meaning to get back to Mandy about "narrow cardiogenic syncope" which i think is supposed to be "neuro cardiogenic syncope" but i think she's just repeating what someone non-medical had asked her... maybe i'll call her or something tonight.

thinking about school again today, wonder what i could do with a MPH/MBA? that would be seriously fucking cool, would cost a fortune though. out of high school i actually wanted to be an epidemiologist, i also thought about archeology/Egyptology, but since i like things that one can't readily see better than people i had my heard set on epidemiology, now i'm on the road to being a pharmacist.... yawn...

guess i'm a bit brain-dead for the time being...

2oo2o911.2o26


2oo2o915.1822

So it's now Sunday, fucking hate Sundays, spent the weekend at my Grandmother's, where i am currently typing this, one of the cool things about laptops (really the only cool thing about a laptop), pretty slow past few days as one may naturally expect when 'hanging' with someone who's over 8o years old…

Thursday i went out with Sarita and David, was pretty cool. Sarita and i went to a live performance/play type thing in conjunction with supper in the downtown area. It was definitely worth going to, everything was pretty small time and all very personable and real. Sarita's cousin, Danny was one of the performers playing "Jagdish," which i'd always thought was a pretty cool name. Everyone in the performance was Asian, the cast looked to be: a Japanese girl, Chinese girl, Filipino girl (named "Usagi" wtf?), hapa guy, 2 Indian guys (actually one was half, although he didn't look it), 2 Japanese guys, and one other guy, i can't remember what he looked like… it was kind of funny, for supper there was a variety of Asian foods ranging from Pad Thai to some Indian foods i'd not seen before (which were very good), the Pad Thai was holy-fuck-bland, and some people thought it was hot… honestly i couldn't even tell if there was any pepper in it at all, so living way out in the middle of BFE where 2/3 of the population is unaware of the usefulness of peppers in the preparation of edibles, i've sufficiently poisoned my nerves with capsaicin to a degree unknown by my Pad Thai-eating patrons. Who'd have thought?

After supper Sarita and i met David at an Irish pub just a jot down the road. Was pretty cool, turns out David's been going there every Thursday for the past 5 or so years, and so we ended up getting all of our drinks for free as well as pool-table time at no cost, we must have drank at least a 75o mL of something between everything we put down, which was mostly David, Sarita and David's friends as all i had was a Crown and a Jameson on the rocks, and a Dead Nazi (Jag & Ice-hole 1:1 for all you google floaters). For whatever reason i've the haunting feeling that i've written all of this before, i think perhaps in an e-mail to scheides or something, if this is a dual-entry: sorry. Bars in the area are fucking cool, they're open until o2oo! David was saying that some of the establishments closer to the lakefront are open until o3oo or o4oo, which is even better. Also i've noticed that the prices on liquor, in general, is much cheaper down here. A 75o of Grey Goose can cost as little as $21.oo, never seen one in Fargo or Minneapolis for under $34. Based upon this alone i dub this a great place!-actually, who knows, but the overall air is much more liberal, which is nice, although there're still cops and shit everywhere. The area-wide publication, the CHICAGO TRIBUNE is very liberal, and critical of what's going on in the country (and world) right now, which is a much needed reprieve from the centre-right Fargo FORUM and the slightly left (or just plain centre?) Minneapolis STAR TRIBUNE. Also worthy of note is that the letters to the editor of the CHICAGO TRIBUNE are not written by total fucking idiots, which is generally the case in Fargo and Minneapolis, from what i've seen anyway...

they'd = they would
would've = would have
they'd've = they would have?

i'd = i would
would've = would have
i'd've = i would have?

one of those funny haplologies i suppose, i hear people say i'd've all the time. You know, ever find it funny how cumbersome language really is?-i'm no linguist by any means, but i've yet to hear of a language that isn't steeped in bullshit and of which its intent is for the transfer of information without the constraints of frivolous rules of phrasing and time-honored & honed mannerisms seemingly existing simply to complicate the manner in which a particular language is used... actually i think there was some language in Latin America that was supposedly taught to the native peoples there by Quetzualcoatl, and was almost a pure lingual algorithm used as a bridge for translating 2 other languages back and forth, of course i had just read this in passing, so perhaps this isn't entirely true... but if it was in Latin America it's probably been killed off by now anyway.

oh yes, so today we ate at a Chinese restaurant, not so much the greasy shitty American-Chinese food establishments. I had a bowl of noodle soup with vegetables and seafood in it, very good. If for nothing else, cities are awesome food-outlets. Helped my grandmother make MOCHI today, never really realized how easy it is to make; 1c sweet rice flour, o.75c sugar, 1c water for the dough and red-bean paste made with 2.25c sugar to 1 pound red-bean... i'll have to make mochi for my tomirachi when i move back north. On my way to becoming a master confection chef i'm sure...

you know whoever did the KILLING GAME remix for SKINNY PUPPY's REMIX DYSTEMPER disc really sucks major ass. Killing Game is one of the most profoundly amazing songs ever conceived, you'd think whoever remixed it would have a sure hit, like WORLOCK, now that song and remix are both just amazing... but apparently the Killing Game remixer just really, really sucks.

2oo2o915.1917


2oo2o915.2126

back at Patti and Greg's, only a 4o minute drive without traffic, took me a fucking hour and a half on Thursday night when driving to meet Sarita & David who happen to live but a few blocks from my grandmother in Morton Grove. Everyone here's sleeping. Life in the fast lane.

Neither Wolf Nor Dog.
Is actually the title of a book by Gary Paulsen, about his interview with a Native American man about his culture, his knowledge and an overall very good observation by Paulsen about the differences between the European-American culture and the culture that existed long before the plague-bearers arrived in the 15th century. Paulsen is actually a very good writer, i've never cared much about his fictional books, but then again i've never really cared for any fictional books, although i did like a Kurt Vonegut (sp?) book that dena8 lent to me about a year ago called BREAKFAST OF THE CHAMPIONS, it was a very interesting and origional style of writing, especially at the end where he writes himself as sort of an indifferent avatar into the story, or as a sort of a partial scribe, been meaning to read some more of his books... but anyway Paulsen writes good non-fictional pieces, such as the book he wrote about the IDITEROD (sp?) which is a huge dog-sledding event in the Arctic. But in any event NEITHER WOLF NOR DOG is an excellent piece about the vast differences between the popular American culture, and the one crushed beneath its flagrant and brawny clumsiness. i've been thinking for a long time about writing an essay about what it means to be bi-racial in America, and entitling it the same as Paulsen's book, such is the way of art, we build upon and are inspired by those who are perhaps greater than ourselves. But since i'm feeling like talking a bit about this right now i'm going to babble a bit...

so this last week i'd been thinking quite a bit about hypothetical relationships and weighing them against other hypothetical relationships, does race matter? i've always said that i wouldn't ever let race be an exclusion criteria for any sort of a relationship, and in the purest sense, i wouldn't. but when i think about spending a potentially very long amount of time with someone race does become important, if i start think about having kids, even more so. i am half-Japanese, 3/8 German and 1/8 Swedish, as it stands i am more Japanese than anything else (although entitled to buy German cars), i consider myself firstly Japanese, and secondly Caucasian, in truth i am Hapa (or Happa depending upon your spelling preference), and never truly Japanese by the eyes of many, but then i am not Caucasian either. So what am i, and where do i fit? This is perhaps something that throughout my lifetime i will never know. i am well aware that my intrapersonal awareness is much greater than a vast amount of other people, but i feel that i am forever doomed to never truly knowing my place in the greater categorization of the world's peoples. So then perhaps for me more so than those of a single ethnicity the race of potential partners for me has more meaning as it defines to a greater degree who i am than she might otherwise, for a "normal" person. i think that inside all of us, or those of us who might be thinking about finding a potential life-long mate is the idea that who we are with will is somehow reflective of ourselves. This idea, i think generally has much truth, the beautiful love the beautiful, the professional the professional, the religious the religious, the outdoorsmen the outdoorswomen,, and so on and so forth. Now, this isn't to say that things always turn out this way as "love overcomes all" they say, but generally people can become attached to other people without being 1oo% similar. But in this sense race is important, some people like members of other races for their own particular reason, whether it be because it makes them look more "cultural" or diverse or something, or because they harbor certain stereotypes about specific races, or whathaveyou, and oft for the same reasons people like members of their own race. Kellie oft reminds me that Asian guys are always stalking her and the like, because they'll "always play around with white girls, but they all want to end up with another Asian in the end..."-which she and i can both understand, as we can both understand their need, or at least perceived need, to be with someone of a similar racial and cultural persuasion as themselves. So hypothetically, if i were to have offspring with someone who is not Japanese, they would only be 1/4 Japanese, which means that any shadow of their Japanese heritage would probably die in their generation, they would not ask for gohan nor shoyu for supper, nor would they ask for hashi to eat it with. Any curiosity of their Japanese forefathers would probably fall short of anything further than just that, simple curiosity. While i could be "happy" to whatever degree that is, or what that actually means, but perhaps just by my own standards of relative reference, sharing progeny with members of any race, i think that there would always be a little part of me that would lament the loss of my half-culture, that, due to my choices, i let fade into the melting pot. Now conversely if i were to have children with someone Japanese, then my children would be 3/4 Japanese, or generally just "Japanese" for all normal purposes, and regardless of their upbringing, deep inside they would always know their people, and perhaps, always have an interest in their heritage, culture and tradition. (much in the same manner as i've always had a deep feeling of my cultural roots, but had little opportunity to explore them in my childhood). So then, in this respect race becomes important. Why? Because i make it important through the insecurity i harbor in relation to my own cultural identity-or divisive lack thereof. There is something that just feels right about talking with, and spending time with other people of a similar ethnicity to yourself, there's a feeling of connection absent from similar acquaintances, almost like the feeling of being good friends, but having never really talked to one another before. Perhaps this is the same sort of thing many homosexuals experience when they try to rationalize why they don't feel what they know they do inside, but cannot quantify nor ever hope to articulate to someone who does not share the same intrinsic needs and feelings as themselves. i'm just talking but probably don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. i know what i'm trying to say, while i'm sure many people can understand and relate, i'd believe the vast majority incapable of ever hoping to do so. Perhaps i'm trying to rationalize an insecurity of some type that has nothing to do with race, perhaps i'm trying to rationalize why i thought someone i saw several nights ago was very attractive, although i never actually talked to her, or perhaps i'm just trying to fill up lines in my diary. i'd like to write more sometime in a more logical, ordered and researched fashion. Perhaps until then if you should happen to read Paulsen's NEITHER WOLF NOR DOG, you might gain a better understanding for what i'm trying to transcribe.

in other news fucking AT&T still didn't call me back this week, they fucking told me 2 weeks ago that they'd check out this address for inet access a week from then. Pisses me off. Mostly i'm anxious because i need to get online and do some housekeeping for tid242.com, the diary is still using non-standards compliant JavaScript and so Konqueror and Mozilla users can't see any of my diary entries, as a quick fix i need to update diary.html to have HTML links to all the pages, and then when i get an actual connection i need to fix the fucking JS. i also need to upgrade versions and add all of my August stuff to the site, looks like the time i'll be able to do that i'll be putting all of the September material into the new release as well. Getting fucking drivers for my camera are on hold as well until i can get online, i'm still unable to transfer pictures from my camera to LOST, maybe i should just buy a fucking CF reader, either USB or PCMCIA.

well it turns out that no one was actually here when i thought everyone was sleeping, Patti, Greg and the kids all just came home, although the Jessica and Kevin were sleeping...

2oo2o915.2258


2oo2o916.2154

well a mostly worthless day passes. Sit on my ass all fucking day then i get home and what do i get done?-i've been reading and typing since i got home at 163o or so, and haven't done dick.. how does that work anyway?-think i just need to be more efficient. Shit, right now, thinking about the future, having a regular 8-4 job is about the most unappealing thing i can possibly think of, why couldn't my family have been inheritors of vast tracts of platinum mines or something?

the eternal question of whether to do what the fuck i want to do or work for someone else, historically i've never had much of a problem with working for someone else, but then again it's never been associated with the expectation of permanency, which is what i think makes jobs, and much of the time life, suck... feeling locked in. One of the many perils of "settling down" and all that jazz, you get stuck "settled."

been thinking lately about a movie script, although i'm always creative in the morning, so i need to wake up before work and write, but haven't been much able to get up early lately as the whole thought of going to work sort of sets a damper on the spirit of the day... maybe i should start running or something, that'd maybe help me to be more motivated about things, it'd be nice if some of the Mankeys were here for some company, oh well c'est la vie.

one of the things i've always wished i could do is to be able to read faster... i've always been a slow reader lending to various learning disabilities that have plagued me ever since, well i suppose, i started reading. Many people i know can read really fast, i can keep up if i just skim, but then i can't think about what i'm reading until later, at which time it's nearly impossible to re-compare my thoughts and memory with what i've read. i think the part of my brain that is required doesn't work properly.

i've got to call those fucking AT&T bitches back tomorrow, sure makes me *want* to buy my service from them... aren't they supposed to be enticing me or something? Or at the very least just fulfill their end of their verbal agreement of 2+ weeks ago...

2oo2o916.22o8


2oo2o918.2o24

can always tell when the seasons start to change by the general mood i'm in. Autumn has traditionally been a very trying time as school has historically always started about a month before my body synchs up to the unnaturalness of 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night and lots of living fast and furious... well not that anything in my life has ever been very fast nor furious, but you know what i mean... i can feel a sort of primal uneasiness as my clock flips day and night, so as i feel like getting up all hours of the early, early morning. Last night i got up at o2oo, stayed up until o5oo or so, slept for an hour and a half then woke up again. This summer's been different, i'm used to working lots during the summers, which certainly hasn't happened with the few half-hearted rotations i've had, which amounted to a measly 4o hours/week at the very most. i've always thought that i'd like to work less to do more of what i want to do, but then it seems i just end up sitting around a lot, certainly not a worth-while endeavor. This is what mostly happened all summer, hopefully things will shift toward productivity during the winter months...

oh yes, so i called AT&T today and it turns out i have to bring a copy of a bill (or other proof that the address exists) to a local AT&T office and then i can get hooked up, so i guess i've just got to find a local AT&T place... turns out that the fucking bloke i talked to 2 weeks ago that dispatched the person to "check" and see if the house i'm sitting in at the moment exists failed to mention that AT&T are all fucking backlogged with places they're supposed to be "checking" or repairing and no one there would be able to give me a straight answer as to whether or not this person would ever actually make it out here. Would've been a hell of a lot easier if the first guy could've just told me to take care of it myself... 2oo2o918.2o35


2oo2o92o.2226

so i swear that there's some kind of fruit sticker conspiracy. It seems to me that just a short time ago, within the past couple of years perhaps, the little stickers that came on fruit for ease of grocery store inventory, and fruit-brand recognition, have become progressively more and more difficult to get off the fruit when you're actually going to eat what you've purchased. i've found that the best way to get the stickers off now is just to cut them out, which doesn't seem quite right. The stickers on pears used to come right off if the pear wasn't ripe and pull the skin off if it was, now the stickers just tear all the skin off all the time, and leave bruise marks around where your fingers fumbled with the seemingly invincible adhesion. i just ate a nectarine and the sticker left a mark that looked disturbingly like a hicky where it had been adhered...

anyway, Friday today, have i ever written before that having weekends off consistently is fucking great?-i think only about a few hundred times have i already said this... Anyway, not too much planned, going to eat out at a Japanese place tomorrow with my grandmother and my Aunt's family, then on Sunday sometime i'm going to a Jazz pianist performance sometime, can't remember the duder's name, have to write it down when i finger it out...

My cousin (mother's cousin actually, Greg's sister) Cynthia called me today to see if i wanted to go to a museum with them next weekend, MUSEUM OF SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY, which is usually a pretty cool place, so that should be something to do next weekend...

so i talked to darthmullet last night and it seems nothing too much is happening up in Fargo-land, he's a lot like me in that he complains about it every time he gets a chance to. What a shitty place to live. But on the bright side he said that he's doing well in school (he hadn't done very well when he went before), so that's something that's nice to hear, i've always been concerned for his academic well-being. It's kind of funny, his calculus instructor (Teacher's Assistant (TA) not a prof.) is someone that graduated a few years before us from Fergus Falls named Maria her name has since changed as she got married and i can't remember what he said it changed to. Her younger brother, Brian used to be in my advanced algebra class when he was in 8th grade (and i was in 11th grade i think), i think it was... which means that he would have been taking AP calculus when he was a sophomore in high school, which is at least 2 years ahead of everyone else... guess math must run in the family, Brian was very smart and very nice, a rather good, yet exceedingly rare, combination.

i can't decide whether or not i like to write short stories or not, they're one of the more enjoyable things to go back to and read later, but they seem like such a pain the ass to write. The story seems like such a crafty and underhanded way of conveying an idea, albeit sometimes an interesting one. i'm used to either just saying how i feel in my diary, or writing a poem about it, but a story i've got to lead-in, set up an atmosphere, establish relationships, create characters, etc. etc. it's a lot of fucking work. Story-telling can be such a subversive method of saying something. If one looks at most (if not all???) cultures around the world, at one time story-telling was a huge part of the passing on of knowledge regarding history and culture, in many societies it still is. There is a lot hidden in these stories about history, information, knowledge etc. but there's also a huge amount of information conveyed between the lines. In modern story-telling most stories aren't very good without some kind of message they're conveying, or at least vice they're pandering to, although oftentimes this element doesn't readily present itself throughout the storyline, this bothers me. Not necessarily so much for adults and their callused ilk, but mostly stories promoting bullshit social norms on children; religion, stigma, and prejudice abound in modern story-telling. This is wrong, why would we indoctrinate our children into this mindset when it's apparent that much of this must be un-learned in order for the child to live in harmony with those around him/her? Personally i think it's mostly the fault of parents that are just too fucking stupid to realize what they're feeding their children, along with the fact that a lot of people would rather have their children live with the stereotypes they grew up with, than to admit that their deep-seated, and oft subconscious, misconceptions may be just that, misconceptions. Of course there are an ass-load of kiddie books around that achieve the opposite effect though too, so may be we are getting better.

i'm doing my laundry right now and it brought something to mind. A few weekends ago i forgot to bring any undergarments to my grandmother's place (for myself) and so i ended up buying some boxers at KOHL'S. Turns out that they're actually pretty nice, which surprises me, because i've usually associated Kohl's with selling tons of shitty shit to working-mom tightwads. Hell, go the store, you park amongst beater-cars and minivans, the clientele demographic consists solely of mothers with crying kids and elderly, and then none of the clothes are even decent enough to want, and then the price of shit is still way more than i ever pay at places like GAP or EDDIE BAUER, which seems a bit counter-intuitive to me. Don't get my wrong, i'm not a reborn Kohl's fan or anything, just thought i'd make the observation.

i took a 4 hour nap when i got home from work today, i left early at around 143o or so, so now i'm going to be up and about forever tonight, so i'm thinking about watching either PI or REQUIEM FOR A DREAM as i purchased these for Patti and Greg a while ago but i don't believe they've been used yet...also was thinking about CHASING AMY today during work, man there's something that just clicks really well with that movie for me, perhaps it's one of the best depictions i've ever seen about the deterioration of relationships because of our own individual bullshit insecurities and problems with silly shit that's really just a displaced conduit of emotion... i started a story i kind of like last night, the first part's done, it's about Vincent Falzone, so maybe i'll keep writing tonight as i had to stop last night because i needed fresh eyes for the continuation... or perhaps that was just my justification for quitting, yea, probably...

2oo2o92o.2324


2oo2o924.o445

well, well... let's see this past weekend i spent with my grandmother, mostly just eating i guess... went over there on Saturday at about noon or so. On Sunday we went to see a piano performance of Makoto Tekenada, who i've never heard of before, apparently he does Jazz improvisation type stuff, but it was pretty good.

Spent fucking all day sleeping, from after work until about o3oo or so, man i'm lazy sometimes, especially since i've come down here, haven't seemed to have been able to be productive by any measure, kind of a shitty feeling.

So according to our major media fast-food outlets the "WAR PLAN" is on the president's desk, you know, it still doesn't seem right that Bush is president, the two terms just don't seem like they belong in the same sentence... but anyway, war with IRAQ, big surprise there. The good news however is that apparently he's only planning on sending 1oo,ooo people instead of half a million. Also heard on NPR today that the Bush administration is setting up the groundwork to provide smallpox vaccination to everyone in the country, should a smallpox case "pop up"-which is one of the few smart things i think the administration has ever done... Of course this is in the event of an outbreak, but healthcare workers may be able to be vaccinated before, which i would certainly do, for whatever reason i've always thought smallpox vaccination would be a good idea, i was actually looking at getting one a few years ago as i felt at the time that a smallpox exposure was a sure-case scenario in the future sometime due to Russia's inability to hold on to theirs, as well as their weponization efforts in the past few decades, i also thought that as time went on vaccines would be harder to come by as no one was making them anymore, and in the event of an outbreak the existing vaccine stores would be used to vaccinate government officials, the military, and lastly physicians and nurses (probably not me)-i didn't feel at the time, that the US would ever take seriously, much less produce new vaccine for, the smallpox threat. It seemed to me at the time that smallpox would be much easier for America-hating groups to get their hands on, and do much more damage than a nuke. i had actually been aware of the rising extremist-type anti-US sentiment in the past half a decade or so (the time i was actually paying attention enough to notice, before this time puts me back into HS sometime, when i mostly didn't pay nearly as much attention to global issues) especially looking at the trend of attacks upon US assets, not only overseas, but also here on American soil, and an overall general increase in a feeling of anarchy. i witnessed WACO, OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING, people brewing anthrax in Nevada, and the like take place in the modestly recent past, not to mention attacks on not only American interests, but many Big and Liberalized interests around the world, from embassy bombings to the Sarin released in the Tokyo subways by Aum Shinrikyo... But anyway, nobody even knew what smallpox was and told me sometimes people get them when they travel abroad?-wtf?-but anyway i don't think they were available unless one worked at the CDC or *cough* USAMRIID.

So Junichiro Koizumi (the prime minister of Japan) visited North Korea last week, the first time in something like a century or some crazy shit (Japan occupied North Korea in the early 19oo's until after WWII so it's doubtful there were too many diplomatic meetings as two sovereign nations during that time). Apparently it was a really good meeting, Koizumi apologized for Japan's brutal occupation (which the N Koreans claim makes Japan owe them several billion dollars), and N Korea acknowledged and apologized for the abductions and deaths of many Japanese nationals by their secret-service-type operations... This all seems to be a part of an overall strategy of opening up for N Korea, they've had several successful meetings with S Korea in the past year or so, and have several more planned (which apparently doesn't mean anything in and of itself as the North has a habit of canceling spontaneously), which has done some to ease tensions between the nations. In addition they have also accepted, for a further 5 years or so (can't remember exactly) an International Atomic Energy Agency inspection of their plutonium-producing facilities (to ensure against destructive fission devices). Anyway N Korea needs to open up to the international community and play by the rules as it desperately needs IMF money for its languishing communist economy. It was actually pretty interesting, the other day on NPR i heard an interview with someone in S Korea who was from N Korea and was reunited with her family through one of the agreements between the two nations. She had said that things were very different and blah, blah, blah, but when asked about work she said that she liked N Korea much better. She said that if you were supposed to be done working at 4pm then you'd leave work at 4pm. People there didn't take work home with them, they didn't work overtime, they didn't work through lunches etc. She said that she couldn't believe how much people work in S Korea, and how much it degrades their quality of life, working too much and having such an output/profit based system which caused so much stress. There's a blow against the capitalists eh?- she said that generally life in S Korea is much better, but just that the amount of work required to survive was phenomenal there compared to their counterpart to the north...

i finished SHADOWS OF FORGOTTEN ANCESTORS last week or so and i started THE DEMON-HAUNTED WORLD: SCIENCE AS A CANDLE IN THE DARK, by Sagan and THE VOYAGE OF THE BEAGLE, by Darwin (obviously) sometime since i finished the Sagan/Druyan book... So far Demon-haunted world is alright, Sagan's always an interesting read, but this type of work is a lot more affirmational than it is genuinely insightful, but he does a great job of dredging up history and the reasons for what led up to the way things are, as opposed to just knowing how things are because i'm alive... and Beagle is slow and meticulous reading, it's so insightful to see how the general body of knowledge has changed so drastically in the past few hundred years, simply amazing, perhaps my dream of living forever will be realized within a short while after i die, heh. I've decided i need to learn how to speak Japanese, nevermind that my Parlo Italiano endeavor is moving along about as quickly as a quadriplegic on a Huffy after he's been hit be a Hummer... really i just need to spend about an hour or so a day learning, and i'd catch on pretty fucking quick, i'm not a total dummy-i just don't try...

i've decided, since the US patent laws are fucking stupid, that since HIV is a retrovirus i should just patent the entire HIV genome (as it's technically a gene after the integrase has done its thing) and then sue people who make anti-retroviral drugs for patent infringement. Might as well just patent any genes that might be useful in the future, such as the antibody making genes on plasma cells, genes that mediate the degradation of telomeres (they must exist), and the like... i mean it's the American way-get rich by impeding the greater good...

hmmm... in other news Gerhard Schröder (major American media say "Schroeder" instead of "Schröder," fucking annoys me) remains the German chancellor, and i think i saw somewhere that Lula da Silva is a sure-winner in Brazil as he's far ahead of his opponents in the polls. All i have to say is that both of these presidents (assuming da Silva wins) have a lot harder jobs in front of them then i'd ever want as both their countries are in dire straits economically, as Brazil needs to keep inflation high to decrease their debt burden otherwise they spiral into collapse and Germany is having, well, just a shitload of problems...

So i've a confession to make: i've been listening to a lot of techno lately, ever since i grabbed all of scheides' .mp3's i've been listening to rave music, and then there's a techno station i've been listening to here in Chicago-land, it's fucking addicting. It's a lot like INDUSTRIAL in many respects, musically a lot less complex and a lot less correct than, say, PIG, but sort of a long-lost relative. It's also intellectually very stupid as there's no depth to the music, but whereas CLASSICAL music is supposed to give you good brainwaves (biofeedback et al.) i think this techno stuff just kind of makes one feel giddy and good, like eating lots of refined sugars and soda pop or something (whereas industrial just leaves you feeling helpless, like you're single handedly supposed to fix the world's problems or something). It's just very light and easy to listen to, it's just not heavy and dark like INDUSTRIAL, and it doesn't occupy your mind after your done listening to it...

Apparently the Mankeys are planning on having a Halloween party on the Saturday before Halloween (it falls on a Thursday this year), which would then be Sat. the 26th... Suppose i then have to think of a costume, ugh.... i've now got to find something really exceptional as i felt that i did a very good job for their last party in my dress (one article of clothing party) and must live up to myself... i was thinking that perhaps i'd be a either a Ninja or a Sniper or something (as i've wanted an excuse to buy either a Ninja or Sniper getup for the past few years)... i used to be a Ninja for Halloween every year when i was very little, but i'm pretty sure the Ninja outfit i wore in 5th grade won't fit anymore, heh...

i think i'm losing weight... If my grandmother's scale is correct then i'm hovering around 14o (pounds, that's less than 64kg for all you metric people:) ), damnit. i sort of suspected it though as my knee's been feeling all floppy again (i had an ACL repair several years ago and the muscles on my leg do a lot to stabilize the joint), which i've taken to mean i'm losing muscle mass on that leg. And if i'm losing muscle on one of my legs i'm sure to be losing it elsewhere as well. i guess one thing i've kept in the habit in moving down here is that i really only eat perhaps 1 or 2 days a week (weekends), all of the other days i sort of just don't really eat much, or just whatever to get by, just not hungry most of the time, so if there isn't any really good looking/smelling/tasting food around i just mostly don't really eat much more than an odd sandwich or a quesedilla or whathaveyou. We went out for lunch today and i had a heavy French Dip, after eating that i really couldn't eat anything else today, and am still not really hungry-although i always try to eat something for breakfast regardless of how i feel about eating at the time. i suppose it also doesn't help that my weekend eating splurges have gone to low-calorie low-fat foods whereas before i'd eat either piles of greasy Thai food (if in Minneapolis) or piles of German-ancestry food like hamburgers and steaks and things, instead of fish & rice... i suppose having a job where i sit all day instead of walk around (a pharmacy or walking around a college campus) also detracts my ability to maintain the musculature of my legs, really i should be running or something every day..

damn, it's past 6 o' clock already?-better eat and shit...

2oo2o924.o631


2oo2o924.19o8

i just got done winning 16 FREECELL games in a row, my life is now complete...

In the news recently, QWEST bastards will restate another billion dollars in earnings, and WORLDCOM will restate another $2b, i like that word: "restate," almost makes one think they didn't do anything wrong doesn't it? i also like the fact that the CEO of QWEST raked in several hundred million dollars in salary/benefits during this time as well, almost makes one inclined to think that he should have to give them back and then split as dividends amongst the shareholders, in fact one might go so far as to say that everyone who received a bonus there or sold their stock before it crashed should do the same. Who's business is this?-mine, i guarantee i owned parts of both QWEST and WORLDCOM, i guarantee i lost money, and i guarantee i'm not getting any of it back...

In the WSJ today there was a blurb saying that: SPRINT stated that it's net phone users will decrease in the third quarter (vs. double digit growth that was expected) and as a result their stock got clobbered. The main reason behind all of this: signing up phone users who don't have any money, although not as bad an idea a it initially sounds, in any event SPRINT rolled the die and lost... Although to a lesser extent the rest of the nation's carriers are expected to follow suit, followed by downward pressure on prices throughout the industry and hopefully a price-war, in the most lucrative of today's telcom markets. Looks like i may be getting a good price on an AT&T plan after all, although i don't imagine i'll be needing one anytime before q2 of 2oo3... oh yes, and i do know of one user who will no longer be with sprint in q1 of 2oo3, fuckers...

So i was looking at epidemiology schools today at work between slashdot postings, actually i was mostly just scoping-out the U of M (Minneapolis/St_Paul campus) and their program. Turns out getting an MPH is only a 2 year endeavor! Need to take a fucking GRE to do it though, i'm getting sick of taking bullshit aptitude tests, also still thinking about getting an MBA as either a distance or a evening program, which means i would also need to take the GMAT, fucking might as well just take the LSAT while i'm at it, that way i'd just have all the tests done, being that i already took the PCAT and MCAT. i'm not sure what bothers me about taking these things, maybe it's the whole idea of being assumed to be a schmuck before your score proves you aren't one, probably moreso the idea of whoring myself out to some bullshit institution so they can look at my pencil-marks and say "well, he's not a complete idiot, except he did pay us $4oo". i didn't do as well as i would have liked to on my MCAT, so maybe that bothers me a bit too, i don't remember what my score was but it was generally around the 9oth percentile, i knew when i walked out of the place that didn't do well on it, usually you know when you've had a bad test-day... But on the PCAT i did much, much better, not that it ended up mattering at all, but on that note the MCAT really didn't either... One of my classmates actually just started med school at UND within the past month, with 9 months left to having a PharmD, hope it works out to her advantage. i think her main reason for deciding to go to med school was not wanting to be a pharmacist, which i don't blame her for, but i hope she wants to be a doctor...

Sarita called me earlier today, i could've gone to a CUBS (baseball) game today, but i sort of agreed to be here for supper, so i didn't. Wonder if i should have, fucking hate baseball, but still might have been worth going just for the hell of it, they had an extra ticket. In any event my date on Thursday with Sarita, David and some people from their work is a go, which should be cool... i should probably get a hold of Cynthia about this weekend yet as i haven't heard from her...

Imagine that; while i'm sitting here thinking that i was unable to get into the telephone registration system at NDSU today to get an academic transcript, due to NDSU sucking and being unable to offer reliable technology services (just look at their e mail front-end if you don't believe me...), so i try dialing in right now, and SPRINT's network is too busy.... apparently all the people who can't afford to pay SPRINT are still managing to somehow use all the network bandwidth, something's very wrong with this picture.

the world needs more nihilists.

2oo2o924.1947


2oo2o925.2o47

the mail list.serve. is the most abused service ever to be devised by humanity, everyone's stupid fucking announcements always need to be sent to a huge number of people, though only a tiny minority of which, might actually be interest in said announcements. It would be like trying to read a newspaper several hundred pages thick with only 4 pages actually consisting of real news while the bulk of the pile consists of adds and publicly announced LIONS CLUB meetings at the YMCA. Speaking of the Y, bunch of fucking conservative right-handed gay-bashers, should really be a BOY SCOUT only organization. It always disturbs me to no end how people can support institutions which are in the business of active discrimination... It is highly probable that there will be a day when Christians are in the minority, although i probably will not be alive when this happens, i wouldn't feel in the least bit bad for the organized religious Christian body (although i would certainly fight for Christian-rights, which seems really bizarre to think about), "What goes around, comes back stronger," as SKINNY PUPPY has said.

Ha!-i've decided to "be" a ninja for Halloween, just got done ordering my shit from AWMA.COM, i used to buy stuff through their catalogue service when i was really young, and've always liked them. Although judging by their webserver they appear to be Micro$oft supporters. In any event i decided against the 420J2 Surgical Stainless Steel sword and opted for a ten dollar wooden replica instead, seems to me vodka, ninja uniforms and swords wouldn't be the best of party combinations...

Upon some online research today it looks as though i may have missed the deadline to take the GRE in time to meet the cutoff for school enrollment for next year. Why the hell do i always think about this stuff about a month after i need to? Apparently there's a date that would fit my schedule perfectly, but i'd have to travel to China, Hong Kong, or Taiwan to take it, so i'm thinking that may be out of the picture, a $3000 GRE?-no thanks, bet i'd be the only person from Minnesota taking that test though eh?

So i should really be transcribing my grandfather's diary, goddamn i've just been so fucking lazy, i know i keep saying this, and i would probably be a lot better off getting off my ass then doing whatever it is i'm spending all my time doing, honestly?- i'm not sure where it goes. i'm supposed to be reading books and learning Italian...

Talked to scheides and tizmo today, haven't talked to either of them in quite a while. Apparently lightening struck near the Mankey Village last night and fried the DSL router, a bunch of NICs, and the mordant.com server's motherboard and processors. So as of right now mordant.com is hosted from a full T-1, although by the time you read this it will certainly be back on its measly bottleneck DSL, apparently with an Athlon 9oo, should be enough to run the .php and run httpd eh? Anyway neither of them had too much exciting to say, tizmo's back in school and scheides has been keeping pretty busy with business and all. Been meaning to call SMEAT!, but just haven't gotten around to it, should e mail mess and reddog as well, been meaning to. Think i need to go find that AT&T place and get myself broadband, although now it would only be a month of usage, almost not even worth the trouble, i'll be back in Fargo on darthmullet's cable.modem in no time....

As i had said before i'm going out with David and Sarita tomorrow night, looking forward to it, crown on the rocks is sounding really good at present.

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So last night was alright, Went to see Sarita's cousin's improvisational play-thingy, i was a bit disappointed, i must admit, by the repetition of the material. Perhaps this was due mostly to the lack of originality of suggestions by the crowd, all suggestions tend to be some sort of quasi-humorous sexually oriented jab at crude self-importance, or some sort of cleverness... Anyway it wasn't not worth going to, just could have been more worth it, IMHO anyway...

After dinner we went out to a different bar than last time (as Jerome, the bartender from the other place is off getting married somewhere in Colorado), which was alright, more of a greasy spoon than the somewhat authentic-feeling (not that i've been to Ireland to know) Irish pub, but alright nonetheless. i ended up spending the night at David & Sarita's (well 3 hours of the night anyway) on their couch. Kind of interesting, i was pseudo-bitten by their dog, first time i've ever been bitten by a canine. i guess he was an abused dog when he was younger and so isn't good with strangers. Sad, dogs are a lot like people in many respects....

Heard on el radio today that Philip Morris Co.'s stock declined by 1o% today following profit warnings for this year. Interesting as tobacco companies were the best performing stocks last year, David and i were just discussing this last night and he was telling me according to economic theory when you've got a downturn you want to invest in sin-investments as people take to smoking and drinking when life becomes harder. Much the same i suppose as the general inverse correlation between tobacco and alcohol use, and socioeconomic well-being... The chicken or the egg? i was contemplating today about the nature of inherited wealth. Not so much in the literal sense of inheriting capital from one's forefathers (or foremothers), but in the inheritance of lifestyle. Money does not buy happiness, nor love, nor a family; but it does provide for stability, extracurriculars, and it buys one time to spend with family. Museums on weekends, Thursday-night concerts, and safe & drug-free neighborhoods are afforded by money, and the absence of needing to work odd hours to make more money. All of these facets give the children of the semi-affluent an enormous advantage over their less fortunate counterparts. One of the biggest problems with the state of our social welfare system is it does little to remedy this disparity; most importantly welfare does not provide security (as it certainly should), and the funds are far too limited to allow families' lifestyles to greatly improve. Worse yet, it provides a disincentive to bettering one's life, as many recipient's earning power can never greatly exceed what welfare provides. Poverty is not about wealth (really when has it been), wealth is just a qualitative means of measuring the wanting lifestyles of the nation's (and alas, the world's) destitute, just as saying more college aid to poor people will greatly remedy the problem of poverty in this country, as the poor are generally so disadvantaged by the time they're 18 years old that tertiary education is within their mental capacity. And on a more personal note due to my anecdotal university experiences, if there is a large number of people in this country who are incapable of college i'm genuinely afraid, as most people in college fall far short of what could be considered intelligent.

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So this weekend's gone buy really damn quickly, a far cry from the monster super-man weekends i took part in this past summer when i get home late on Sunday night physically and mentally exhausted after a grueling weekend of 4 total hours of sleep and hard playing... this past weekend i did nothing... Ok, well "nothing" isn't really an appropriate adjective, i guess i've spent perhaps, shit, i dunno-maybe 15 hours or so transcribing my grandfather's voluminous diary. i don't' remember what i had decided on before (i guess i could just go back and read what i wrote...) but i've now pegged myself at transcribing one year of his diary per week, which meant that i wanted to be done with 1972 by tonight, but being that i'm only half-way through with 18k words i don't know that this will be an accomplishable goal, so maybe i set my aspirations too high...

Also been doing some short-story writing, kind of an excessive amount of work to say what i want as i've generally got to build a whole bunch of shit from scratch, thinking about setting my stories up to recycle characters, not necessarily main characters but peripheral and more or less enigmatic persona who will just float from story to story adding depth and a sort of familiar-world feeling to what i write about. At least the more generically traditional stories about people in a non-defined period of time. It's my goal to write roughly half of my stories as having a very non-traditional perspective and being more or less abstract and the narration from a perspective only vaguely attached to anything in the story. i find when writing about people it's too easy to make the characters how i would like them to be, as opposed to how it might actually have them to be for the purposes of story telling, expounding too much when really what i'm developing for the story's peoples aren't actually pertinent to the purposes of the writing or necessary for the overall storyline. Although if one writes from too much of a careless narrator it makes it hard to care what happens to the people in a story about people... hmmm maybe balance. Earlier this month i wrote a story about a tower in much the same style as the "glass and steel" one i'd written a long time ago, and i've just started two more that are now in the pipeline, both have a lot of time yet owed them before they can be even close to finished.

Listening to MANSON right now, ANTICHRIST SUPERSTAR, you know, i think there was a time in my life when this was the only CD i listened to for about an entire year. What an absolutely amazing piece of artwork, it's so deep, so complex, and just, well, amazing. The adventurousness of this album is simply astounding. The world was not ready for this CD when it came out, it scared everyone from the middle to the far-right not only because it was popular, but more importantly because it was intelligent; if there's anything the ultra-right bigots hate it's someone who's anti-right (which doesn't mean left) who does a good job of pointing out the fact that they are, indeed, bigots. It also doesn't help that Marilyn Manson's a hell of a lot smarter than anyone who's ever publicly debated him in the arena of society, philosophy, culture and morality. Used to watch a show every now and then called POLITICALLY CORRECT, with someone (a liberal) named BILL MAR (mahr, marr??). The show would mostly consist of 4 people being invited to sit in a circle and talk about issues, while Bill Mar acted as a moderator or conversation catalyst. The guests were usually celebrities and politicians, i saw a couple of episodes with Manson on there and conservative senators, celebrities, and various public figures would get utterly shamed by their inability to provide any reasonable arguments when debating with Manson...

Speaking of Manson, anarci still has my HARD ROAD OUT OF HELL Manson autobiography... still need to swap her back her poetry book for the Manson one, dunno what's been going on with her, i haven't talked to her since i walked with her for a bit at the Cancer Walk in Fergus Falls back in August... Tried calling her once and i e'd her but she never responded, sort of led me to believe that she didn't want to talk to me, which, i suppose, doesn't seem that far-fetched an idea as there are lot of people that don't really care to talk to me... but you'd think she'd at least want her book back.

so i had acquired a CD of piano music that i wanted to listen to, i learned, much to my chagrin, that i forgot to put a ripping proggie on LOST, so if i want to listen to the disc i've got to do it form the CDROM instead of just off the hard-drive. What a fucking pain in the ass, guess i'll just wait until i can rip/emulate it....

It's kind of funny, right now i feel a lot like i did last summer when i worked and went to Bennie's a few times a week, feel like i should be frequenting someplace a few times a week, don't really have the money to be doing this though, trying to retain my savings so i can spend over-budget in later months. But in any event i feel like i should be going somewhere and writing every night or so, not on LOST but in a notebook over a fat pint of something stout, i can feel the need to write, but at the house i just can't collect my thoughts into anything "writeable." Although i dread going back to Fargo, and know i'll absolutely hate it, in some respects i'm looking forward to it, i know, for whatever reason, writing-wise it will be a very productive 6 weeks, and perhaps the 6 weeks following in Fergus Falls will also be productive as well. i think if Melanie is still working at Bennies and it doesn't seem too creepy at the time, maybe i'll see if she wants to exchange e mail addresses. Is this a really trashy thing to do? i'm very undecided, on the one hand i'd never ask anyone for a phone number (well so far i haven't anyway), but on the other hand i feel like e mail is a fundamentally different medium than the telephone (and different from snail mail as someone can't show up at your e mail address and kill you) and it's much less... well, stereotyped perhaps? Well, less structured in any event. This is just purely something that crossed my mind a few days ago for reasons unbeknownst to me so it's probably about as important as all the other ten million bogus things i write in here...

Oh yes, invited Sarita (and David, but i don't know that he's going to go) to Minneapolis for the weekend-before-Halloween party, i think Sarita's going to come, cool. She was concerned about being the only "dark" person there, i told her it wasn't going to be a problem, hope it doesn't become one for any odd reason...

Does anyone else see something fundamentally flawed with a society who doesn't really think anything of glorified depictions of people dying but has a problem with words such as: FUCK and SHIT? In a much broader note it is a common parenting philosophy that one doesn't equalize bad behaviors (ie you tier them, running out in the street is worse than forgetting to wash your hands before eating), but then why is swearing usually either considered equal to or worse than physically hurting someone? It makes no sense to me, but i find it disturbing. i'm no advocate of swearing, and on the contrary i think it's, in many respects, a cheap and unenlightened means of self-expression, but then again i'm certainly no advocate of not swearing. They're only words and if this is how people choose to express themselves than so be it, especially since i am one of these people who choose this form of expression. But even in the arena of words it's more acceptable to say something along the lines of: "all fags should be burned" than it is to say "i don't give a fuck." Again there's something very backwards about all of this. If you're going to censor something wouldn't one naturally censor the statement that promotes the idea of murdering millions of innocent people out of hate than a statement promoting the idea of not caring about something?

You know i don't generally feel like i write a whole lot, or not nearly as much as i should be. But transcribing my grandfather's diary i've discovered that i'm writing a hell of a lot in my own diary, while i've transcribed for him18k words for half of 1972, i've already written over 2ok for this month alone in my diary. i think that this has been an exceptionally busy month for writing diary stuff, and August has substantially less written, i'm still a little bit dumbfounded by the sheer amount of shit i'm accruing...

i read an interesting quote of Sagan the other day, which i am now using as my slashdot.org sig: "With a few exceptions secrecy is deeply incompatible with democracy and with science." (Demon-Haunted World. 1995; p9o) which is a nice paraphrase of the current fight for freedom of information on the internet. It's quite the pity that Sagan is no longer with us...

You know Darwin was such an enlightened individual, and a very exceptional writer as his observations in his book (i think) point out. I'd like to leave you with a paragraph from one of his works:

It may be said there exists no limit to the blindness of interest and selfish habit. I may mention one very trifling anecdote, which at the time struck me more forcibly than any story of cruelty. I was crossing a ferry with a negro, who was uncommonly stupid. In endeavouring to make him understand, I talked loud, and made signs, in doing which I passed my hand near his face. He, I suppose, thought I was in a passion, and was going to strike him; for instantly, with a frightened look and half-shut eyes, he dropped his hands. I shall never forget my feelings of surprise, disgust, and shame, at seeing a great powerful man afraid even to ward off a blow, directed, as he thought, at his face. This man had been trained to a degradation lower than the slavery of the most helpless animal.
--Charles Darwin, The Voyage of the Beagle. 62nd printing, 1969; p34.

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