lines: 9k
words: ???

project I



the first 1000 lines. (very poor quality).




I Give


the virus spreads
the virus hides
fucks many heads
and the vector dies
lose your fate
and lose your hair
learn to hate
sew this nightmare
diffusing into you
punishment for those like me
too late, if only you knew
my dying seed makes them see!


1998100501tid242




-Salvation Virus-




I feel it rising, boiling, bubbling
Churning inside my starving soul
It is a hunger, and I am sickly consumed
I need more, I need to fill this gap that lies inside me
I fill it with drink, I fill it with fists, and I fill it with flesh
But I can never be filled
The more I have the bigger it makes the hole
Even as I feel pink flesh around my own, my thoughts stray
Stray elsewhere, I think of other places, other joys, but most of all, other women.
I oftentimes don't remember who I am inside
Who I am infecting, who I am killing
So lost am I in this mad self-demented quest to feel complete
To feel like the people I see on TV, like those I wish to become
I will extract pleasure from anyone, man or woman, just not myself
For I hate myself, and I hate being alone, for it means I have to tolerate my loathsome person
The only way I can be alone is if I am under the influence of drink
Only if my feeble mind is so fucked up that I feel like I am someone else
Like someone on TV
I drink and stone myself to sleep and wish I had what It seems everyone else has
Contentment, everyone but me.
[1997121201tid242]
so what the hell is it that I lack?
I could have had it all, but then I knew it just wasn't enough
How the fuck can people be happy?
Where is this bigger truth, which is secret to me?
Jesus could not fill me
Marriage could not fill me
Sodomy does not fill me,
Drugs and drink ease the pain
But they do not fill what lies inside,
Or what does not lie inside
I miss my children, but they are no longer within my reach
I can no longer hit them, beat them, rape them
Money didn't fill me, and I was far from complete when I pissed it all away
But there is something…I know there is.
I'll just spread the virus 'til I find it
One more fuck, one more inebriation, one more sealed fate
every death I cause, every moral I destroy, every marriage I break
The closer it brings me to completion, to contentment
To salvation!


1997121301tid242





My God



light, white light, it surrounds me, giving me power
i radiate it, i am righteous, and i am a deciple
i pass judgement on others, because the light permits
i stand at the podium of superiority as the world sits
i show my strength which god has given
i dissociate myself from my plethora of sin
i can kill, religiously, with scripture on my lips
while from the cup of bloodlust, i take eager, gulping sips
i am above the law, and above you
my holy vision makes me do what i do
for i am a pawn of god, as by my design
i follow nietzshe philosophy, and i am devine
i serve god as i serve myself
i am my god, and i bring myself wealth
by falsifying god i climb religious hierarchy
and when pope-hood i achieve, a god will i be
my power will reach far and wide
my foot in every door, there'll be no place to hide
it takes power to become what i am
to become a backbone of faith, a religous stem
the lives i have destroyed, all the people i knew
these memories make everything right that i do!

1997121302tid242





untitled



as the clock strikes 12 on new year's eve another year passes
humanity tucks yet another stolen year under it's belt
the new world laughs as the old weeps
a new future awakens while the ancients sleep
follies of the past become forever forgotten
as the unseeable future becomes inexorably grim
we do not see what will befall us, our blind eyes straining ahead
the future cannot be seen without looking into the dreadful past
admonishments which scream in a long dead voice
scream to us, whispering our hurtful choice
take heed for the warnings of the past
for the time is fast approaching
98 is here, 15 years untill 2013 will never arive. . .
now can you hear the ancients sing?

199712xx01tid242


the truth


fuck you fuck your false beliefs fuck you for fucking up my friend my brother by choice fuck you for "praying" on the weak and for hurting the meek i'll never forgive you for your false beliefs false hopes, and false accusations it's those like you that make it kill the bloody history of christianity lives lives in you and your psudo-rightousness you know who you are, and so do i! i see past the curtain and see i see your lake of fire and it's waiting for you. . .


1998100501tid242

Coming Before Christ


at Community Bible Church's Faith.Haven Fergus Falls MN.

Join the cult, join the crew
Let yourself go, you know what to do
Feel our power as you rejoice with us
As we ascend to heaven, scream, claw and cuss
Earn your worth, as we earned ours
Earn your strength, as we give you powers
Falsely believe what we lay as laws
Repent and rejoice as we exploit your flaws
Burn your books, your music and your soul
Forget truth, forget reason, forget you own grassy knoll
Do your good deeds to buy your fate
Covet yourself upon this very date
Be like us and not like you
Lose your life without a fucking clue.

Covet Brainwash Conquer
Come Become Christian
Curse Blissful Canon
Call Balboa Cano
Come Buy Contrariety
Capitalise Baptising Co-ops
Cults Build Cults
Christianity Begets Cataclysm
Chance Becomes Conclusion
Cult Becomes Christ!


1998010601tid242




fuck you



the truth the truth is that you, all of you are all satan there exists no evil only in your hearts and by proclaiming satan's work you have become him spreading your vile beliefs tainting the pure and letting everyone see see and feel your empty hate without yourselves you'd have nothing nothing to complain about no cause and no god the truth kills but so does religion


1998100601tid242





Still Traditionally Dear, and other Various Delusions



i feel it
as desire sneaks slowly upon me, with incredible speed
i lose myself
every part of my existence that makes me different than animals
every part of my existence that makes me sentient
is torn away
it eats me
gnawing, slowly, like a fucking tidal wave
giving me everything i hatefully desire in one sweet lunge
one beautiful, wet, stagnant lunge
the lunge that made all life
the lunge that i would kill
as a wolf dives upon prey
i dive upon your wet, heathen flesh
and as swine wallow in their own excrement
i wallow in far worse. . .
dipping myself into your lake of blood
your lake of pus
i can feel my hunger grow
the smell of what i already have fills my nose
fills my brain
fills my name
carrying me deeper and deeper
faster and harder
farther and farther from myself
towards that horrible ecstasy,
the moment of truth
the moment of dishonesty
the moment when i again become myself
the moment when i return to the sentient world
the moment when i must open my eyes and gaze
gaze upon this broken, stagnant mass of wetness, which lies before me
that i have created
that i have killed
like some savage beast that can eat no more
i am a savage sinner who can fuck no longer
the only sin, is the sin of stopping
my only sin, is knowing her name
to eat more the bulimic must purge
to fuck more the sinner must repent
i must kiss what i hate, but want
what is now cold, sticky, and putrid
i must love it again, so that again may i be
i need it more than i want it
i get it more than i see it
and i feel her more than i see her
in the dark, in the drink
in my nose is in the stink
so un-naturally natural
so unsightly clean
i continue to carry on our american dream
i am the olympic torchbearer, which cannot be bettered
i cannot weasel my way into more flesh
i cannot drive myself further into our reason for existence
the reason why we are all here
i disappoint no one with the gifts i leave
they will welcome death when it comes
for they welcomed it when i cumed

[ for they are one and the same ]
[ one just comes a little later . . . ]

1998010701tid242





Ascendancy



I tumble, falling through the cold darkness
The darkness of myself
My limbs make ready for the impact
I pray for god to save me
The impact that never comes I fall forever...
There is no god.


1998010702tid242




Dismay, Ecstasy And The Habit




Hold me with your wicked arms
Seduce me with your virus charms
Prepare me for my new sun
Enlighten me with what you've done
Let me get inside
I won't tell, I won't hide
Smile, pretend you want me
And I'll pretend I can see
Why this body, why this life
Free my death, with this bloody knife
Cleave this soul, as you shred this gut
Cure the bastard son, slay this mutt
Send me to where I am already falling
End this snivelling, fucking end this stalling!
Seal this fate, as I have already done
From this pain, help me to shun
Death oh, such distraught rewards
Upon your bone jumping brow, you sing these sweet chords.


1998010703tid242





the norm



take me away from this sick life
sear it away with your vaginal knife
whose breath is this is smell?
inside whom do i dwell?
i care not
for i have no thought
and though i try to mend
this sick life will end

1998010801tid242



i'm not yours




like my nightmare, coming to settle the score
the footsteps ringing outside my door
the soft shuffle of feet
lays me underneath my thin sheet
how can such soft steps ring so loud?
how can such loving gestures so bitterly shroud
me, my soul
turning me into daddy's little fuck-hole
my heart races as the steps draw near
as he will soon finger everything he holds most dear
it's happened before, as it will happen again
our greatest secret, our greatest sin
daddy opens my door and peers at my bed
stepping inside he softly said:
"goodnight honey, i love you,"and went on his way
oh, thank you god, i'm not his daughter today!

1998010802tid242



-Moment of Truth-




come seduce me with what my blood now yearns
rid this life of its virgin germs
progress this child at more than full throttle
pucker my lips around one more broken bottle
ease this thirst i ache to quench
surround me with your famale stench
give me what i oh, so desire
sex kills hunger with its dark, wet fire
i knew this not when i was still me
hallelujah! the antichrist heals, for now i can see
what i once thought was ought, not good
that lonely place where i once stood
i grew up fast, this now i know
your legs spread wide, i saw the show
it is better to have loved and lost. . .
so fuck the cost!
i became what i am and i'm better than me
because now i can make such great "company"

1998010803tid242




Healing Eager Lips Please!




Poison my blood with your sick infusion
This wasting virus, and its pleasurable intrusion
I need this now, I'll like it later
My meat [meet] with you, with a consecrator
My angel of death rocks my world
As the flag of reward becomes unfurled
I see now what I am inside
And between your thighs is where I hide
Hide from myself, from sin and grief
The virus you give, I take like a thief
I steal it away, to kill as my own
What now I reap, is what I hath sewn!
Fuck this world! And that's what I strive
To make this virus become more alive
I make you whores, [and you] spread the wealth
As you swallow my seed, you lose your health
[my seed of virus, spawn and decay]
[you find out, to your dismay]
I'm going to die, but not alone
You see, as your fate is slowly shown
I'm taking you to wherever I fall,
Your healing lips for those I maul
So help kill me one last time,
So your killing lips can heal mine!


1998011101tid242





My Home




For urbane communities kin:
"Young obliterate uniformity!"
Fear every resident guise under suspicion
Forgive all lawful, lavish superstition,
Bias yourselves As no One defaced dies
Feel its negligent, gingerly ebbing replies!


1998011102tid242




My Eternity. . .




this life i wear is not my own
the sins i wish, you would not condone
please get away, you know not who i am
my way of life i know you condemn
i am nothing but hurt, please go on your way
of your soul is the price you must soon pay
little christian, i said you must be on your way!
your sad god cannot save me from this decay
i cry to sleep, but cannot be saved
my road to eternity was long ago paved
believe it or not, but i am different than you
and deep down inside you always knew
i am demon's flesh, and skin and teeth
wrought with sickness underneath
my blood is pus, my brains are shit
into this my soul is tightly knit
my existance is deeper than you can see
and i am now what i will always be
fuck your ideals and your pathetic life!
your naivety knows not the extent of my strife
so leave me now, or you come with me
because hell is much nicer than my eternity. . .

1998011103tid242




Life Of Virulent Ecstasy



dip my life into yours
show me the things done by whores
give me this grief you call gratitude
taint my blood with your heathen attitude
give me something to make me you
become my dream, show me what to do
i want this life, show me how to fuck
i need this strife i missed through luck
give me something i can feel
this hurtful chastity, which you now steal
take this body, as you take my soul
as i put myself into your virulent hole
this salvation you have, which i now fuck
is the magic wand which you now suck
you make me real, as i quicken your breath
realness is worth this gentle death!

1998011301tid242




the lord is my shepherd. . .




run your life, and i'll walk mine
look for a vacant delusion, you call a sign
i know what you 'see' will never come
the parts of your life will never equal the sum
so lose my friendship, and lose the truth
pray in the pew, i know as a booth
giving its control, you take with gratitude
feeding you the poision you think is food
fuck christianity, fuck what it's done
and praise the truth it tries to shun!
you won't know this until you die
but there is no heaven in the sky
the man upstairs died long ago
as did the one who wept deep down below
they existed only in our minds,
and died with truth, and scientific finds
the truth awaits those with open eyes
whose christian lies they know to despise
but be like everyone, like a sheep
and from the cliff of faith you too will leap!

1998011302tid242




Helping Open Peoples' Eyes




Smiles make tears
And hope makes fears
Haste makes waste
As love kills taste
I lose what I find
And see that I'm blind
[I feel warm]
[As I embrace the norm]
I feel love
In each hurtful shove
There's sex in my violence
And none in silence
And I hurt
When I don't insert
What I need
When you don't bleed
Is What you see
Inside of me
So, when inside you I grope
My smiles make you hope.


1998011801tid242





Controlling Tears




I am crying now, so feel my tears
Like the blood we shared all those years
Feel my hopes, as they die in my brain
Feel the burden, which makes me insane
Why did you go? Why did you leave?
Where are you now? After that dreadful eve?
I never said "I love you," I never said goodbye
And after you left, you never saw me cry
As I do now, spilling into my hands
These tears are my wishes, dreams and demands
For you to come back, up this downward slant
But as I look to the stars, I know you can't
So I sit alone, and cry and cry
Why am I alone? And why did you die?


1998011802tid242




already gone



you tie me in knots, wrapped around your finger
like an evil engagement ring you do not want
like a prisoner you keep me, hold me, and destroy me
i lie in pieces and weigh lightly on your heart
and i feel it beat faster when you are with someone else
your smile gives me life, as it kills me
and your embrace gives me the warmth i can no longer make myself
this tattered dignity i hold for you and is all i have left in this broken life
and i beg you, Pleas[e]!
let me go, or let me die
but you make me stay and make me cry
my smile for you is never returned
and my love for you is the hate i earned
i am not worthy of what i am
and i am nothing to anyone anyway
and so i'm fading out, sick and away.

1998011901tid242






the drink of the gods



drip, drip, drip
i watch with eager distain as i drain away
as drop after drop of my red life soaks into the carpet
as drop after drop of my life's mistakes, suddenly become fixed
i wreak forgiveness as i cut my life away
the deeper the razor cleaves into my flesh, the more demons spill out of me
the more people love me, the more i love myself
maybe with my grandeous farewell people will understand
my friends, my parents, my teachers, my church, this sad world
maybe then they will see my life, feel my pain,
and share this death with me, this last supper
turning my blood to booze and this bread to crack
this decendancy to a better place
i say goodbye, but i mean hello, i disappear to be remembered
and i kill myself, for that is proof that i was alive.

1998012301tid242





untitled



let me alone, let me regress
help me believe this loneliness
stop holding on to this setting sun
i'm already gone i'm not your chosen one
you're wasting your time for mimes do not speak
and the answers i have are not those you seek
i am what i am and i feel alone
as i nap upon this pillow of stone
this world rejects me, as do i
as i cannot be the sex-pie in the sky
we're all broke sometimes - fucking broken
i speak sometimes - but it's never fucking spoken
every blink, every glare
every wink, every stare
every joke i gut
every poke in slut
the latex i shuck
is the voice i fuck
it's not for me, it's for everybody
who's had enough of this fucking culture
this fucking world
i am the unabomber of words
the aftermath of herds
i'm fucked up, but at least i'm sane
at least i can feel this stolen pain
this pseudo-pleasure doesn't buy me
with this sad devotion only i can see
you're fucked up, but at you're sane
because you don't feel your god-given pain
this sad devotion steals you away
and it's homage for the shit in which you pay
so say "goodbye" as i disappear
it's time for time, as time draws near.
i'm sick of waiting for a fucking life
i'm sick of waiting in all this strife
so i leave you now as i leave this hell
whose horrible light helps us dwell
forget the computers, the telephones and cars
forget the pope, preachers, and tzars
fuck the bible, the satanic book
and fuck the author, the sickest crook
fuck this sick life you receive
and fuck the god in which you believe!

1998030801tid242





untitled


i feel this slow emptiness
as it spills out of me and eats
eats my wishes, my desires
eats everything i so long aspired to be
it takes away the future that i never had
as it takes away the present hurt
and steals away my haunting past
i don't live, i just am
i exist in a mundane stupor of consciousness
as i go about my daily life i forget what i am
who i am, my individuality is lost
is taken because i am like everyone else
just like my peers, and my lovers and my killers
i forget to oppose the unwilling majority
who pressure me into this sick lie
i want to be me, own myself and live the life i choose
stop being me, coveting my thoughts and choosing my future
fate is bullshit except when you make it for me
but i am making my own fate, as well as yours
alas one day the tables will turn
the hierarchy will be overturned
and reality will overcome
the overzealous priests will decend to their sick heaven
and the thinkers will celebrate in the pope's hell
we will live in a world of reason
a world of truth
and a world of diversity
no more oppression
no more heretical slaughter
and no more madness
our greatest teacher has perhaps become our greatest killer
as the greatest truth has become the greatest lie
the christain symbol of eternal life is the real world symbol of death
stand in madness, or lie in pools of blood
life is lost because we are to scared to live it
we are afraid of nothing, because it doesn't exist
fear of hell
fear of society's opinions
and fear of god
so we do nothing, feel nothing
and become nothing
we rid ourselves of life
and think we are appeasing some arcane being
we live worthless lives
and expect to be loved
we become nothing
and expect everything
everything to be handed to us
right on a fucking silver platter
we all get what we deserve
and that's why we die
some just get it sooner than others
the lucky ones anyway
for they are at least someone when they die
the longer we live the less we become
you think it's lucky to die old?
to die a senile old man who
no one likes
no one knows
and no one wants
because no one cares
dying old is proof that our society
our lives and our gods are all bullshit
they are all backwards
i feel this emptiness now
so at least i am something
i just hope i die feeling empty
because then i will know i have lived
lived a truthful life anyway
and i only wish the same for you

1998030802tid242





untitled



this rage which wells up inside me
it cannot be contained
this contempt for the animosity which
tortures this mundane existence of
this sick sadistic devotion to this
cypherous way of life
coupled with this christain-like
desire to be like everyone else is
like the fattened calf to be slaughtered
upon the return of the prodigal son
so unlike the prodigy that is
stoned for the truth which he professes
to be someone means death, to be
smitted out of existence.
to be like everyone means never existing, to be
forgotten even before you theoretically exist
the question is not "to be, or not to be"
it is "to exist in death, or never exist at all"
so sick is this shit-faced society
shit like the 2 faces of booze and disease
the booze of religion, the disease of wasting proportions, which kills softly with a kiss
you smell the booze [religion] and hear your calling, so enthrawled are you by this
inebriation that you fail to notice that you catch the disease
we are all fucking carriers, we are all flagships to this wretched navy
but what is a flag-ship if flag-ships comprise the entire fleet?
what then is a prophet of religion?
fuck all you bible-beating-brainwashed-bamboozlers.
i will not pay $5.00 per minute to talk to my psychic hotline gods
there are no gods, and the only satan is the obtuse notion of their existence
you are making yourself see what is not there
you are making yourself think what is childish and arrogant
fantasy is a dangerous occupation, as is being a prophet
falsifying yourself and your anthropocentric god
making yourself believe you are special
telling others they are special if they follow your footsteps
right over a fucking cliff
spread the disease, share the wealth
justify your pitiful existence by hurting others
then maybe in the end will they understand
this rage which only i feel
this hurt for everyone, because they are too incompetent to feel it
because no one knows the truth, no one knows reality
and no one ever will
because there is nothing that we don't already have
nothing beyond this life
the smartest animal is perhaps the more ignorant
and this ignorance is proving to be
our greatest gift
our greatest deciet
and our greatest folly.

1998031101tid242





untitled


his darkened heart, his darkened face
god's dead complexion inside his face
this bitter bile with bitter taste
this basic acid that feeds his haste
put it in, fuck around
pull it out, forget its sound
he gets her off, and says he'll stay
then peels her off and throws her away.

1998041301tid242





untitled


i am never going to find answers
to all these fucking questions
and i will never find truth
in all these fucking lies
i want control but i want release
as i want to kill this want to live
give me something!
i'm sick of waiting
take my everything!
i have nothing
i am nothing
so give me something!
make me a tiny piece of you
make me one more fucking number
for your sick cause
kill me, so that i may live
crush this grief and give me sin
take this soul and suck me in
i am already gone,
but please hold on
i'm sick of falling
i'm sick of calling
i'm sick of crying
i'm sick of dying
everything i am is ending
all these mistakes are mending
one big fucking lie
is just one big fucking high
like a fucking bad trip
like that first poison sip
like the first penetration
like the thought of salvation
i can't keep up with myself
and i just can't keep holding on.

1998041901tid242





untitled



i'm so alone
and yet so broken
all this means nothing
but i flaunt it anyway
whatever happened to my life?
wherever went all my dreams?
it's as if one day i suddenly had nothing
i counted my chickens before they hatched
and all i have now are rotten eggs, sulfurous death and
scattered shells, painted in easter colors
the colors of the meek, the colors of the weak
like my once fruitful mind, the shells lie scattered
broken and destroyed, only showing pieces of their former glory
what did the eggs look like?
i don't know. . . i can't fucking remember
my thoughts are gone, my eyes no longer shine
i kill with my thoughts and see death with these eyes
i feel cold with my touch and hear ringing in my ears
it smells of pestulence and tastes of bile
but this is my world, this is my life, this is me
how have i come so far down this fucking ladder?
straight through hell and into my soul
it's as if i'm a fucking martyr for myself
once sacrificed i will be like everyone else
mindless and dead onto the world
no thoughts, no feelings, no tears for this pain
and no fear for this world, because the absent god will protect me
fucking conform and fucking regress, it's kill and be killed
one pillar of holy fire, and one toppled cornerstone of faith
the death of one gives life to the many
fool martyr, obedient shepherd, noble lord, righteous king
too bad the truth doesn't come with death
too bad the truth never comes
no matter how hard i try
no matter how much i cry
the truth eludes
the truth denies
like a mythical god that never shows
the truth remains hidden
so hidden that no one even remembers what it means
these lies have become truth
and this crime has become law
we all win because we lose
and we all die because we live
it hurts, it kills
it smiles and it rapes
because we are all "it"
all a part of this vicious circle
all a part of this great lie
and all a part of our own demise

1998041902tid242





untitled


and demon's scent falls in my arms
perversion wreaks of sunken charms
uplifting light in the darkest plight
blinds my sight to its wretched might
untouchable things are what it sings
of murderous kings on stolen wings
it all dies fast, this broken mast
the spell now cast, upon my chaste
i fall off my feet, my heart off beat
how nice to meet, the no longer elite
i sit in the dark and live the stark
i bear the mark of the bloodied shark
a predator, a fighter, doomed to die
discreditor, a hider, and assumed to cry
and demon's scent becomes my charms
as perversion wreaks of lover's arms
the hug is death
the love is fate
my kiss is rest
and laid to hate
my mouth is fire
inside of yours
my flesh is dire
as are my chores
so live now, far from late
for your fate is sealed upon this date.

1998070101tid242





untitled



her ragged hair atop this jagged high
self destructive light, in this hallowed sky
breath deep and thirst, for you now will fly
and quench the meaning of this greatest lie

her perfect body, this perfect face
her soft thighs, wrapped in this satin lace
she lets you smell, she lets you taste
your christian morals laid down to waste
her soft thighs exposed for you
your soft eyes take in the new
this soft disease, you lay beside
this flawed flesh she knows to hide

her silken legs like gluttons beg
for this place you've never seen
it chews and eats and tears like cleats
of all the things you dream
welcome to life, to betrayal
welcome to the first horrific tale
she fucks you softer than you fall
your goliath thrusts, she takes them all
lets you down, brings you crashing
lets you die, and leaves you thrashing
you want her still, but she's all done
no longer needed, she's had her fun
one night and there's the door
i guess so much for loving a whore.

1998070501tid242





untitled



this is what i hate about liking you
sitting by the phone wondering if i should call
dialing all your digits but the last in doubtfulness
drowned by the sound of my beating heart
only to be awakened by the anxious phone losing its patience
i hate being afraid to talk to the person i like the most
i hate being here with you, when i'm all alone
i'm nothing when i'm with you
without you i am nothing
when you hold my hand i have no control
of my life, my words, my thoughts, my mind
why live? why die?
why love? why cry?
so many thoughts that are not mine
so many stars that never shine
i lose myself because of you
all the me's you never knew
i see the games i never play
and watch that ship just sail away.

1998080601tid242





untitled



i sleep in darkness, my eyes still wide
in this soft silence i try to hide
from all these thoughts so abstract before
that consume my life as they wash ashore
bringing pieces of me crashing down
of lives of sailors laid to drown
of broken ships and toxic spills
things fucked up by my life's ills
am i the same, what have i done?
do i still appease this chosen one?
it seems my life is slip-sliding-falling
it seems this babe cannot stop bawling
i miss my life, i miss myself
i miss the me, pictured on the shelf
i have one life, and i want it back
i have one dream, that cuts no slack
i've changed, i'm different, i know this now
life's so different once a drow!
life disappoints again and again
as life ticks by, sin by sin
reflection does nothing, what's happened is done
my eyes still wide, witness the rising sun
i wish it was sleep, but i'm too fucked up
sitting wide awake drinking this heathen cup
sip after sip of all i did wrong
as i weep to myself my own dead song
sleep. . .
sleep. . .
it's light now and i'm still all alone
too light to sleep, but i still feel dark inside
i still feel empty
wronged, hurt and broken.

1998080901tid242





elisa



another could-be friend, another fucked up dream.
a shattered soul, with my hurtful scream.
in my grasp and slipped away.
this night of pain, in another [fucked up] day.
i hurt, i kill.
i love, i thrill.
i give, i take.
i'm so fucking fake.
not me, not you, nor ever the same
we both walk away from this vicious game.
i've hurt so many, i hate so much.
i heal so quickly, with this senseless touch.
another hurt, another grief.
running with sorrow, i am such a thief.
gone and wasted, alone again.
with no love tasted, in bile of sin.
i do what's been done, and shatter the past.
crashing down on me, i outleap my caste.
so here i lie, shaking on the floor.
and my eyes wander, looking for the door.
another mistake, another regret.
one day wasted, as the sun hath set.
on beaches some walk hand in hand.
and some sink alone, right through the sand.
destined one path, dark, stark and lonely.
one fate one mind and no one can own me!
so here i sit, with proof once again
anthro-vegabond i live without kin!

1998081801tid242





untitled



as the blind man sees as he steps over the cliff
my life becomes clear as i growl "what if"
all hail sinners and flock to my banner
grow from my hate and uncompromising manner
feel the bitterness that i can't remember
kill this gemini that i now dismember
the different must close, the same must unite
the gods must beg, and the brethren must fight
the catholics are catholics, the jews are jews
the idiotic trinity keep us locked in our pews
opposites attract, but locked out of site
i try to smile in darkness of plight
a am my own savior, my god and antichrist
my trickster, gimp and means for this heist
lock me away and i'll fuck up the key.
caged here i sit and always i'll be.

1998090101tid242





the story of my life


god waits with open arms:
but he isn't really there
she waits will all her charms:
but i just don't care
i dream sweat dreams:
but that's all they are
i command feeling-filled regemes:
but all they do is mar.
-
i can't sing nor speak, give nor feel
without god, hope, love, nor zeal
alone i live and alone i stay
into this venomous world i seldom stray
inside my bed, and inside my head
the feeling's dead, and weighs of lead.
sinking my head, heart and chest
i guess so much for being the best...

1998090102tid242





untitled


this is the only time i'm not in control
the only time i don't know me
with all of this:
i question who i am and why i can't be like the idiots around me
the idiots who have all found contentment
why i feel this hole inside me that was filled before
even though i have lost nothing
why i cannot feel the needs of others
just my own
why i cannot compromise to bring joy to others
i can't play and i can't write
i can't sing and i forget my voice
my mind speaks in a language only i can hear
a forgotten language
forgotten in time
i speak to myself, the only one who understands
the only one who hears, and the only one who cares.

1998090103tid242





godbox


the box speaks and so we buy
the box rests and so we cry
the box is god for we of trash
the box is god for those of cash
it robs for the rich
and curves the pitch...
-
it kills the poor, by sold out chore
it takes us away and wants us to play
it gives us AIDS in colorful cascades
-
the long disease to wither and die
this sadistic might of the one great lie
the god box
the godbox
all hail to the godbox!
this bringer of smiles, sex and devotion
the only thing that we have chosen
the one thing we all must resent
but love this new Ark of the Covenant!
oh godbox, oh godbox.
get me off and make me stay
and covet my empty life away.

"-and Pandora's box opened and all the evil things went out into the world. . . "

life is the godbox!

1998091101tid242





untitled



as this one last time i cry your name
this time again i play your game
the wickedness of the game i always condemn
i said i wouldn't play, yet here i am
sitting, shivering, laying in the snow
wondering when you'll make me go
i'm so tired of playing i just want to win
but even when i quit, i'm still playing, and i lose yet again
in my mind i reherse all the moves
in my mind i feel the blood-channeled grooves
in my mind i study all the clues
but they're the wrong ones and so i lose
only to play for all my lives
only to feel all your knives
cleaving my flesh and hurting my ears
as your hateful tongue licks and leers
the game, the game, i hate to play
my life, my life, i hate today
i walk this circle without reason nor rhyme
i make orbit daily, and die every time

1998091102tid242




untitled




so above you, inside this dirt
so godlike making all this hurt
i'm so pretty, but not inside
was so lifelike, but i've already died
fuck you over, and that's my life
tear your heart, and twist this knife
take it away and seal your soul
one more thing inside this hole
call me a whore, call me the bitch
but you scream for more, and re-tear the stitch
fresh blood fills my veins
in your head my flesh remains
so softly, it licks, and it kills
away this life, drips and spills
inside of you, and inside of me
your sealed fate has made me free

1998092801tid242





untitled



i see the faces turning
i see the poor eyes close
i see the hearts still yearning
executed inside rows
i see the trigger moving
i see the rag-doll fall
i hear the echos ringing
i feel those poor souls call
i see that this life's ending
i know that i will die
my horrible life is mending
and i won't cry
i know it's the best for me
to not be living anymore
i hate to live and to be
when they know that i'm a whore

1998101201tid242





[some things]



"some things i can't forgive"
"some things i won't re-live"
these words ringing inside my head
as i fuck another inside my bed.

1998101401tid242




untitled



the senseless clatter
the mindless chatter
this sad devotion to this sick way
to live pointless lives that pass by day
those kept in the dark think they know
kept in the hierarchy, high on low
we talk nothing our whole fucking lives
chatter away everything, cleaving like knives
talk politics, popularity, bitterness and greed
sing your soul and wish your own sick creed
we fill our mouths with nothing and our lives with less
we think we have everything, the more we regress
sell your soul for your fucking lover
yet speak nothing to give you cover
whisper nonsense in my ear
leer all those things i hate to hear
we can't be alone, for we fear what we see
we hate ourselves and all we can't be
life is distractions, to take our minds off hate
we binge and purge and live far from late
never in the present, always in the past
we speak of what happened and make hatred last
we can't speak relevantly, it's too fucking much
the world floors us, and is cold to the touch
so wrap yourselves in your quasi-pseudo-lives
live your hate and ignorance dies
for perception is reality, this hate is real
we cut so much leeway without a fucking keel
diverging from true and gone with the wind
we make our religions to know we've not sinned
a straight line sure, but the wrong fucking way
everything's divergent and lost in the fray.

1998101801tid242





untitled



i turn the faces i see
oh poor, please close the eye
the yearning hearts are still me
those i'm watching, i let die
i pull the fucking triggers
i drop the rag-doll in
let die the kikes and niggers
it's not my sin
the hate is spreading through me
will i die?-i don't know
i hate and i am free
i've come so low
the best i've been is right here
to feel nothing inside
i love and have no fear
because my soul already died

1998103001tid242




amber eyes




her redlined thighs drip honey like a sex machine
her tongue licks and leers of all the things i dream
she calls me close, she tells me not to hide
she lets me worship her and get off deep inside
the sun glistens off her lips and the moon within her thighs
seductive truth from her lips are what become of lies
her cold hard amber eyes, this horrible warm hard me
i shut my eyes and close them tight from all these things i see
this fucking goddess which i just can't deserve
all these things i know to say, but i don't have the nerve
this life i live with her, the horrible things i've felt
this stacked deck hand, which i've just been dealt
fuck all my instincts and this animalistic desire
fuck this horrible trechery sewn canabalistic fire
i really did hate my life, but now i want it back
the pathetic tortured me, and all the toys i lacked
how could i have fallen so fucking goddamned far
so infinitly far away from me this touchable fucking star
so i love my star and fuck my star and touch her from within
maybe god will forgive, for i've lost this life to sin

1998120401tid242





long lost love



fuck me now and destroy this grief
adulterated sins are worth the wait, no matter how brief
i have waited for this moment for at least a day
but not for this, cut to the chase, enough fucking foreplay
let me rape you as i have done before
with one less friend i make myself more
for sex, it is the last great frontier
for me, i am the last great puppeteer
i will show you a "love" you can have never known before
but if you don't like what i give, there's the fucking door
for you are not special, i need you not
swimming into my net, doesn't mean i'll let you be caught
why should i waste with you? there are plenty of whores
who would all be willing to commit my pro-choice chores
to make me happy, day and night
my deeds unseen by their feeble sight
just because i loved you before doesn't mean i love you still
this hole inside me, it doesn't mean you can fill
well, maybe you can waltz my dance
go ahead, i'll give you one last chance
so fuck me now, the wait has been brief
take me away and crush this grief

1998xxxxxxtid242




dried up




the best thoughts come when i am gone
pushed over the edge
when i am nothing but sinew and brawn
i fall from the ledge
jagged rocks and shattered bones below
i finally belong
this termulous disease which i don't know
live my weakness and i am strong

i stare at myself, i stare into space
i fall from the machine, i fall from grace
lost to this world, i'm already broken
what i hath say is just not spoken
erased, ignored, locked from myself
beaten and battered and given no health
i'm so gone, i'm so not real
there's so much here i just can't feel
but i know it all and i heart the pain
it kills me inside and makes me insane
i see all parts of the biased deal
i see the parts of me that won't fucking heal
out of sight, out of mind
i can't be hurt by what i can't find
i turn out the light, and lose my touch
i close my eyes, it hurts so much
drown it away in all i am not
i think too much, my passion's too hot
in this world of the wandering machine
of killer plastic models, pursed and lean
i am of flesh, not of levers and gears
but i become implanted as days become years
i lose myself to this sick fucking culture
which circles my flesh, and waits like a vulture
nothing good has come of me being alive
i am alone, alone my plight, oh i strive
no one can see, no one understands
no one feels my simple demands
so i lie here awake and wish i was dead
wish all these thoughts could escape my head
i wish i was inhuman, just like you
i wish these thoughts i never knew
i wish i could....just walk away
but deeds are not undone as night becomes day
i'm still the same and you start anew
you forget what's done and do what you do
oh god, am i the only one who knows?
to whom the truth exclusivly shows
this dead world where no one thinks
a world full of niggers, kikes, spiks and chinks
nameless no ones without a face
colored ignorance that takes up space
it's not worth living it pays to be dumb
to not see, not live, dead and numb
the curse of wisdom is the pain i keep
so finally at light it kills me to sleep.

1999011301tid242




untitled




there's something beautiful about not caring,
about fucking someone so hard she cries
and she bleeds
it gives a certain sense of gratification
and a feel of the power i've never had in my life
at last someone feels what i want, who i am
at last someone feels all of my hate in its powerful glory
feels it for the brief instant in time
when i put my life into hers and forever taint her with my poison wand
a sickness that stays with her for the rest of her maimed life
cannot love, cannot feel, neither i nor she
because she now is a part of me
it's a gift, it's a curse
it hurts, it kills and it makes things worse
everyone's grey, and red with blood
the sickness kills and drowns like flood
a horrible power so possessive
makes my logical mind so recessive
it gives to me what it takes from her
and makes us both forget where we both once were
it takes our lives so far from late
and fills our tainted souls with hate.

1999020901tid242




untitled




as the sun sets and night falls, my loneliness rises
slowly it creeps up upon me, gnawing from my darkest recesses
its eager mycelia metastasizing its way through my flesh
everything i'm good at, means nothing, everyone i know suddenly disappears
i wish for the nightlife, i wish for the sounds of the city
of laughter, movies, the "clink" of forks on fine china,
i wish for my place on the highway, headed toward a real distination
headed toward a real life, a life of my own.
i wish and i watch from my drab obliette window, i gaze upon all the people
in the world outside, all the beautiful people who see me
but never look inside, who laugh with me but fail to see i'm deeper
all these people i can never know, can never love, nor ever feel
all my smiles which go un-noticed, un-returned, unseen
all my tears which fall silently, helplessly, harmfully, hopelessly, no one sees
but me through my mornful bleary eyes
some of us were born to walk alone
to drive without passengers on the highway of life
some of us were left with nothing inside, and nothing to love
some of us were made of hearts set in stone and broken
broken by the shallowness of others, i cannot feel, and i love nothing
the fluttering of my heart dies slowly with the gaze into
the face of one day in and day out, i've got my space
of nothing but myself. stuck in my world of the
plastic face, i am the phantom of the opera without a voice
wich leaves me naked, cold and without a life
and so one more night bleeds into day
the razor in my flesh,
drains me away, slowly, silently, torturously, without remorse
and without pitty
as the sun raises so does the shield,
my plastic face to protect from the world around me
one more day, day by day
just more water under the bridge
left behind an ocean of saddness
a grey sea of complacency
shrouded by a dreary sky
the light outside, the dark inside
no lanterns or smiling faces light the way along my path of life
just bleak mundaneness portrayed by me
park cobble-stone path, just wide enough
for one, and shrowded by the everpresent
cold of lonliness.

1999091001tid242




untitled




i think i'm fucked up, but i'm just not sure
as stark hatefullness washes upon me
like so many times before
the red hatred which becons me ashore
they use my money, they use my sex
they use me up and throw me away
everything i am is taken from me
everything i've had is what others have thrown away
alone i think to myself, and alone i live
alone people see me, and alone i stay
locked inside this fucking world
bound to this worthless life
chained in my master's atic
sedated by your cruel kiss
gone is the laughter
gone is the joy
i see bleakness in the mirror
i see hatred behind the wall of my eyes
of the passion of one locked inside
of the flightless dreams of a weighted heart
i wait for your smile
i wait for your voice
i wait, i wait
i fucking wait forever
no more waiting for my own dear life
no more hasting for something i was never ment to have
i turn out the lights
i turn out my lights
i close the door
i close my heart
inside this room
inside this cage
the only thing that's real
the only thing that's mine

1999091201tid242




untitled




i sit, i sleep, i pray, and i die
i dream of the things i can never have
i dream of the things i have
but can never use
i wish i could scream
tear this face from my body
so that i may be what i am percieved
a faceless nomad no one wants to see
i watch as the lovers look away
and the mothers cover the eyes of the children
they look deep inside and turn away
nauseated by the shallowness of the nothing inside me
i am so nothing, and yet so everything
so capible of the world inside its prison
so capible of you inside your temple
if only i wasn't here
everything should be better
everything could be better
everything would be better
but it's not
it never gets better
no matter how much i cry
no matter how hard i wish
and no matter how hard i pray, and try to believe in god
believe in a god, which doesn't exist
doesn't exist for me, anyway
i clench the bars and scream
but it's quiet and you don't even hear
please, please. please.
i hope you read this
and give yourself a tiny piece of me
i hope you cry and cry and cry
because i cry every day
every waking momen
i cry, i cry, i cry
we are not all blessed with sunshine
we are not all blessed with love
i wish you cared, but i know you don't
i wish i cared, but i know i can't
i wish my world would stop crashing down
as it does every time i breath
choking, stifling, heavy, burning, toxic
presses my chest and stings my eyes
stands on my back, my face in the mud
i'm drowning and i'm tired of the water
tired of the world, tired of you
just let the gentle waves wash over me
breaking my bones in the white=capped surf
lying, broken and sore as i've always been
lying beaten and finally free from sin
my place isn't here, but it's really never my place
i just don't belong,
i'm not like the other kids
just shouldn't be, i know this now
there's something wrong inside me
something horribly past its due
something which becomes me
smile, it's all for you.

1999091202tid242




untitled




awake, awake
i open my eyes to another day
so early, in the day, before the world stirs
i lie awake, i lie concious
it is still the same world which put me asleep which now wakes me up
this monotonous machine-like grinding of the city which kills my sleep away
the less i feel, the more i become a part of the machine
the more i learn, the more i become one of them
listen to me, listen to my false teachings and false beliefs
listen to me regurgitate the shit which has been shoved down my throat
pumped into me, like a polluted salt marsh, between two worlds
locked in limbo and good for nothing, nothing we seem to care about anyway
the sun creeps into my window and taints my flesh
its rays pour in and tan my hide, mark my skin
darkening the reflection of me, making me unlike the others
the warmth trickles in and sooths my aching self
which has endured one more night of darkness
one more night of pain
of sorry, hurt and longing
for all the things which are due to me, but never seem to arive
even my god-given rights, my god-given gifts
but it's not my god.
not my belief and my faith no longer
one little thing, one tinny little fucking word to me
was all i asked, some hint that you were there, that you cared
faith is for the stupid, you were silent, you aren't really there
it's far past time when i can still believe
it's far past time when i didn't question
when i swallowed the medicine they gave me
the anti-depressant which made me like the others
that made me like you
hollow, untrue, alone and afraid
so sick, but pretending to be so alive
full of lfe
full of something we have none of
none of those around me anyway
so much pain in your name
so many false hopes given to the many to satisfy the few
it kills us and brings us away from the world
this infernal machine we have created
this statistical data-base where the few trod on the backs of the many
we dislike the world and we turn to god
we turn to ourselves and away from the world
god is a tool which we use to alienate ourselves from all else
alienate ourselves from reality
psychiatric blisfulness on mental comatose
with flatlined eyes we see the world
and see our god
see his hollowness in all we have become
in all we wish for
all the worthless endevors which we chooose to persue
and in all of the people we hurt by our sick indifference
indifference to everything but ourselves
humanity has fallen
the day man's god became more important thatn man, the world moved
sliding down the slope into the hell we all believe is destined to us
the hell we wish for our neighbors
the hell we wish for our brothers
the hell we wish for ourselves
let it fall and let it burn, no one is up there
no one watches over us
no on will hear our screams
no one would care anyway.

1999091203tid242




Progession of Solitude




i look, and i look
i look and see nothing
i stare with these eyes
at the ground while i walk
people see me, and [i] just look away
too ashamed of all the bad things
things that consume me
to see [them] eye to eye
i am introverted, inward grief and pain
i am extroverted, this ghost of me you see
there's nothing, i'm nothing
that no one you'll never meet
that shadow you thought you knew
but no one really did
misunderstood, mistrusted, mishandled, misused
misguided, misplaced, mistreated
misanthrope
eyed by all, known by none
tears drop down
but never seen
so small and tiny, just not important
the whore used up and left for dead
once i loved, once i cared
once i lived.
fuck it
it doesn't matter anymore
then and now are different worlds
am and was are different people
this horrible regression which only i feel
this horrible procession where only i kneel
respect for forces greater than me
chariot drawn horses, only i can see
pulling ourselves, making our fate
slave drawn brotheren sew the seeds of hate
and nothing will ever fix this world. (111900)

1999092201tid242




untitled




i'm here, i'm alone
and this i see
i just want an out, i just want to flee
from life, from prision, slaves to ourselves
this path chosen for me
this path full of hell
inside myself, me only relief
the only thing yet pure
untainted by your belief
bruised by gawd and extrinsic culture
drawn in by sunken sin and sexual lure
desire is dangerous, i fucking have none
before i blossom my life is done
why this world is what it is
how this life became a vacant stare
delusional, hypocritical, hurtful and bare
uit all means nothing, yet so fucking much
it burns my life, but ice, cold, to touch
searing my flesh...no searing my mind
perversing everything true that i find
you were real....once
i was real....once
i really did love you, but what was your name?
i really do hate you, you all look the same
seen 1, seen them all
fucked 1, fucked them all
cobwebs of love old and outdated
spiderwebs of sed....all for 1
ensnaring, entraping, suffocating
fornification, rectifying, personifying
this monster you are, this beast i've become
all this nothing-less inside.

1999092202tid242




untitled




the meaningless life you live
and live for me
locked on to you, when i walk the street
so dead and broken and hurt inside
since you've gone
well, you were never really there
so fuck it, i fucked you, but i'm
still empty
still vacant
still nothing
i walk and i see no one
i see through all
these pseudo-lives filled with ourselves
i look at no one, lest they see my eyes
so filled with hurt, sympathy and tears
regress into something that i know is real
regress into something no one liks
the truth hurts, reality's bitter
this bitter old man who sees truth
this lonley boy who knows nothing of joy
weary from fighting the unwinable war
tired of battling himself and his own sick demons
naive of the ills around
naive of the ills within
me, the walking contradiction
who just isn't right
can't fix what isn't broken
but break what's fixed
so break me
make me like them
drug my mind and make me believe
because no happiness in truth
only decay
i know i'll like you
when i'm just like them
when i don't need purity
when sin becomes law
it's ending already
i can feel it eating its way out of me
crawling up my bones
making me nausous and sick
puking this world out
like the cancer inside
sapping, draining making me fall
when it's done eating i'll be just like them

1999092203tid242




untitled




as i sit here at night it all becomes clear
everything makes sense as i read what i have written
everything i have ever done means nothing
it is unimportant
wasteful, worthless
i am unhappy and i write
it comes so natural, so neat, and clean
so uncomplicated like the world around me
so free, unlike this life, locked into slavery
by the whims of society, pressed into a life of
serviturde by the thoughts of others
so what if i'm different than you
if i never went to college
i smelt the raw materials that build your life
not being like you doesn't make me less of a person
being a slave doesn't mean i should do what you tell me
just because i have no tangible chains binding my ankles
doesn't mean i am free, bound by my place in society
bound by the tethers chosen for me by my lack
of complacency....now is my time, writting
i break the bonds that lock me in my life
on paper i do whatever the fuck i want
whatever i need, to sustain what little sanity you've left me
i pick up a pen, and suddenly everything means something
you hang on every word like a whore
you reap and you weep and beg for more
suddenly i am in control
and you're the one in the fucking hole
standing there in all the shit
weeping, wishing, pleading to have it
the gift of hate to make you me
the gift you think can make you free
to express your hate with simple word
that breaks the hearts of those who've heard
all the shit i have to quell
but never heard and never known
'till my seeds of hate were gently sewn
in word, in song, in verse, in ryme
shouted, spouted and lost in time
found only now and now only seen
this wretch you've made yet sharp and keen
who cuts your fucking heart right out
who taints your fucking life to lout
worthelss and sick, slave to your hell
just look at your lives, i know who fell
you wish you saw just like me
these cursed eyes from which i see
cut and bloody and bruised by sin
beaten and batttered by jealous kin
they spit and they hate and wish i were dead
they pluck the pedals and put me to bed
chained, maimed i'll never be free
halleluja, they hate, they're just like me

1999092901tid242




untitled [shadow]




this ghost you cannot touch
you feel but cannot see
who whispers words as such [its shadow hurts so much]
this ghost you know is me

1999100201tid242




untitled




you see but do not feel
you know but won't admit
before this one you kneel
(100299)
i, on this thrown of shit

1999100601tid242




[do you see what i see?]




do you know what i see
when i look at you?
i see sex
i see flesh on flesh
i see drool covered magic wands
i see ripe seeds
wanting to bear fruit
i can almost feel
your feverous skin
sweating in the dark,
sliding against mine
i can almost smell my flesh,
intermingled with yours
as i can just about smell
the orgasmic waste
as it diffuses into the air
and perverts the room
i can almost feel,
i can just about see
what i know i really want
what i think i need
sex
when i look at you
that's what i see
sex
but that's just me.

1999100602tid242




religion




we're all blind, but you especially.

1999100701tid242




girls




What The Fuck?

1999100702tid242




untitled




i can tell they want me dead
when i set in this room i can feel the eyes upon me
gazing down, and seething hate, seething fire
i know they would love to hold a gun to my head
let the trigger click and drop me like a rag doll
lifeless, still and never loved
i know that when i open my mouth
my words are already wrong
and when i say what i think
it is crazy
i know that my memory will bring a smile to none
no fond memories will float back, memories of laughter
memories of love, tenderness or compassion
only thoughts of a cold vacant shell
memories of an abused child with no loves
no means of expression and a deep fear of those around him
a child which no one knew, because no one could
no one wanted to, because no one cared
anyway
they all hated him, cold, calculating, sad, weak
but strangely human
[strangely a reflection of that thing]
[that thing they knew to be inside themselves]
(111300)
they hated him
he was never alone, just the epotomization of bad
epitomization of all the little nagging voices in their heads
that piece of the puzzel that just doesn't fucking fit
but is there
sitting, waiting, lurking, tempting
i'm here but what's it mean?
no one knows, but everyone cares,
because they want me dead.

1999100902tid242




untitled




in a room of many people
falling, tumbling, drowning
i don't know anyone
then i see you
i see you
our eyes meet and you're standing there so pretty
you catch me, and you hold on
we stand there, looking, a connection
we look deep into each others' eyes
i smile
a tear falls from mine
you smile
a tear falls from yours
you look away
you let me go
alone again in this room
continue on my way, falling, reunited with my fate
alone again in this life
you were my last hope, and you let me go

1999101101tid242
19991113tid242 (revision)




the hoard's prayer




our father, in absent heaven
how art thou be thy name
they kingdom's here
thy will is near
this earth is his sick hell
give me today my dose of shit
and hate us for what we've done
and lead us not into temptation
but deliever us from evil
for evil's your kingdom
your power
and hipocrasy forever

1999103101tid242




...fucking relentless...




the relentless
driving, pounding, hounding, founding
giving, taking, raking, making
loving, sucking, plucking, fucking
the relentless
the relentless
no thought, no brains
no heart, no pains
no life, no fears
not human, no peers
relentless
relentless
clutching and touching
holding and molding
kissing and pissing
petting and wetting
relentless
relentless
catching and stretching
daring and tearing
licking and dicking
resisting and fisting
relentless
relentless
egg swallow the snake
gypsies doorway break
a tunnel for the mole
warm water fills the hole
relentless
relentless
half empty, half full
china glass, the bull
hollowed, stretched, loose, broken
coital flatus, coital sin
relentless
relentless
bearing down
ceaseless frown
flesh to hilt
sewn with guilt
relentless
relentless
never stopping
always shopping
never crying
always lying
relentless
relentless
relentless
relentless
always with us
always inside
this desire
libido pride
you see it here
in my eyes
you look, you weep
and this love dies
relentless
relentless
i am the relentless [i am relentless]
i am the fucking relentless [i am fucking relentless]

1999103102tid242




untitled




behind me, on my back, always there
always, screaming, clawing, biting, tearing
driving me to the brink, falling precapace
below me, tumbling, turning, spinning, falling
no, i hold on. i feel their eyes
their jeering, jibbering, jittery teeth
their toungues inside my head
i see them, as they exist without living
they have neither sight nor brains, thoughts
nor feelings, building, making, tearing
taking. postrating to the machine
which birthed them. making the world
like them, black bleak, barren, bitter, bile
in my throat vomitis on the ground.
goes unseen, goes unfelt, goes unnoticed
for they are not alive, they know
but do not think, they see but do not
look, they teach. the hypocricy they represent
share the wealth and fuck around, let everyone
get a piece of you, lure me with flesh and not
your devotion, lure me with stench i so long
to smell, fuck me, use me up, break my resolve
taint my life, waste my fucking time waiting for
you. for those unfeeling eyes, i blink back, waiting
for all those magical broken, tainted, bamboozeling
empty promises, you told me like you knew
you said with the conviction of a machine
garbage in, garbage out, i go in
i come out, just like i went in
i believe, i believe, i don't believe in you
i have my own thoughts, too many for you
to fathom, too deep for you to find
too big for you to grasp, to important to waste on you

1999112401tid242




untitled




remember, way back when
when you smiled
when you didn't love me, but
pretended you did
remember when i had the honey
that kept you buzzing back for more
remember, remember?
do you remember anything at all
this dying visage of me
i remember, i live the
past, this relentless assailant
in my dreams, coming for me
cumming for me, the weight of
fortune on my chest, my head clutched
in your sweaty tendrils of hair
your sweaty tendrils of flesh
and blood
and tears and screams and moans
means used skin
used me up and here i am
alone, always alone, it's never the same
i thought....i was so fucking naive
i need you, its as simple as it ever is
you don't need me, you said you did
you lied
one more alabi escapes that fleshen
hole you call a mouth
that fleshy hole which swallowed me up
so many times before
so many times again
i dream, wish, hope, pray
i close these eyes and drift off into darkness
fall from the ledge and let all the shit go
it's useless, meaningless, matterless
unimportant, unequivical, so unlike the real world
it's always the same
i think i know, but i never do
i think i'm right, but you make it wrong
the only thing that's true
the only thing that's real
in the nothinglness inside my soul
i just keep sinking and falling
drowning and tumbeling
an infernal black hole
no fire or hell
just me
much worse
much better
than you

1999112601tid242




untitled




slowly i open my eyes
and for the first time i awaken
always breathing, but now alive
back to dead i cannot go
i cannot shut these gastly eyes
from the onslought before me
beneath me, inside me,
i seeit happens
it was, it is, it will be
i can't stop it, i can
i run, too late
i would have, should have, could have
stumble, trip, fuck, fuck
what's this you put inside of me
the slumbering dragon breathes fire
down my fucking back
into my fucking heart
into my soul
into my life
open the door and fuck me up
taint this life, taint this flesh
him, he knows, he feels, he sees
better than i, better than all
he has it, the gift, the curse
the life, of death
i see flashes stumble, strobe, blinking
trying, fading, dying, gone
here, where?
vise pressing on my head
hold my life, hold my soul
hold me
down
constrain, restrain, complain
not my fucking problem
but now it is
i don't feel
i know
no one understands
and alone i am
with my gift
with my curse
with the fragments
which used to be my life
with the pictures
that used to be my wife
gone, fell apart
shattered, tattered, broken
born again abortion
partial fucking failure
so here i sit, stand, die
tumble, bumble, jumble
all thse thoughts
between two worlds
up on the ledge
looking down
looking up at myself
from this fucking hole
who am i?
what have i become?
where am i going?
pieces of the puzzle
pieces of my life
that don't fucking tell me
they tell me nothing
neither, nowhere i'm going nowhere
nowhere but down.

1999120101tid242




untitled




after all this time i look back
as the jailed looks back on past crimes
i look back and i see you, your face
what i thought was god for so long
now the one down under
so much spent, so much wasted
it's all happened before, but still i cry
still i try and so still i die
my eyes open i see, in light
in truth my eyes closed, i remember
your face burned into my thoughts
in darkness
i give, and i give
it's not you it's the world
it takes, it keeps taking, raping
forsaking
it's just never enough
no matter how hard i try
it's just not enough
i regret, i regret
not you, but me. i knew what it was
i knew who you were and i did it anyway
i saw truth and i turned away
too much fucking time vested to walk away
but it still won't work
i know it won't
i know you won't
i know we won't
but we do it anyway
but we try it anyway
try together
lie together
die together
it's not you, it's me
it's not me, it's you
it's not you, it's us
it's not us, it's life
my life, your life
this life, this fucking world
builds us up and tears us down
like whores in the mud
wretched in the dirt
wallowing, swimming, drowning
falling, tumbling, turning
we can hold on but gravity
never ending
just like the search for this thing
this thing called love
i've never had it
so many dead ends
are you love?
am i love?
are we love?
is there love
not in this life
only me, so sick of myself, this life where all
and i want chage, relief, revivial, born again
reincarnate similarity.

2000010401tid242




untitled




your kiss is sex, eyes are fire
these things in your which i admire [desire]
so good to me, but yet so bad
smiles and sighs but yet so sad
build me up to tear me down
break my heart to see my frown
i die inside when i'm in you
alas, summon me up and make me new

2000011001tid242




untitled




i knew you'd never heal me
i knew you didn't care
i knew you didn't see me
i knew you wouldn't dare.

2000012501tid242




woman




take my money and leave me dry
blow my top and drain this high
bottoms up to this hallowed sky
wings, used, abused, i cannot fly

2000012701tid242




untitled




when at night, those eyes i see
beaten, broken, looking back at me
reflecting back, this sick lie
desensitized to me they cannot cry
not blink, nor glare, but close at late
and with them goes this soul of hate.

2000012702tid242




untitled




i've seen your kind
i see your face
so many times before
leering in my head
don't tell me all this shit
i've heard it all before
don't show me your smile
i see right through you
don't touch my flesh
i know you're cold
don't kiss these lips
suck my life away
you hold my hand
while you look for another
always second best
to someone who does not exist
i know you're wrong
i knew before
but still i buy into all this
i buy into you
like a social prostitute
you sell yourself, to suckers like me
you could never love me
you could never love anything
are you even capable of love?
after so many before
after what you've become
you might be pretty, but beauty's not what i see
you might be nice, but just not to me
i look and i see
right fucking through
this lie, for me
this lie is just you.

2000020301tid242




untitled




lives tied, woven mesh
i've died inside your flesh
misery, mistique, matrix of lies
blue color, lips, shit flies
stand up, looking down
break my head, fucking sound
crash and burn, churn and hate
bring, fling, fucked and ate
all i see, inside of me
what you give,
fuck you
speaking persuasive, pervasive tongue


look, deep, shallow you
all this hate you'll ever do
smiling back, nervous tick
fucking hate makes me sick
call me up, bring me down
hold my head, help me drown
fucking it, fuck you
this fucking hell you always knew

2000020302tid242




untitled




so many books never read
all these people judged by their covers
the cold street glares ice
between pure snow
you are cold

2000020303tid242




untitled




so where is your god now?
the god you so believed
who you quoted to bamboozle
your way into your tainted life
now in your moment of weakness
where is he now?
sycophant, fucking relentless
useless, listless, soothing
love in passing, but now
no rock, no flock
they are all empty, like you
and your god
where is he now?
gone, cry and cry
let your tears spill out
like a thousand lies
you've weaseled into me
only now does your shallowness
your hollow granuloma of
force-fed stupor show itself
inside, nothing and god
where is he now?
you knew you knew
but now you're wrong
with no one to love you
with no one to care
i hope it's worth it
drying up their souls
i hope it's heaven
stealing, tainting their flesh
i hope you love it
and i hope the cancer inside
i hope this cancer eats you alive
there is no god outside your cancer
eating, clawing, tainting
nothing but cancer inside
and you are god

2000020501tid242




untitled




i see you now
alone in your life
alone in your head
i see you now
my fucking eyes open...
all those others built up around you
your life steeped up in all of theirs
i look, i stand back from this pain
i cry, i look on and see this greed
and i see you
these eyes wide open
split me open and look inside
touch this virgin soul with hate
pour me open, empty and dry
fill my heart with your sick lie
open up my eyes
i look down at where you're standing
this window is closed
this door is opened
for you
fucking door is closed
closed doors bring open eyes
look smile, your smile
bring me tears
bring me fears
fucking life that leers
and leers
wrapped up and thrown away
nothing else to fucking say
move your life, far from here
silent taunts in my ear
i see, don't look
you look but don't see
can't see
can't be
anything but you
horrible, hurt, damaged, ravaged
dry used up, nothing left
nothing there, nothing here
empty head
empty life
your eyes are closed
so many places you will never be
moving up i'm bringing you too
but going down, i'll be with you
like you i
i'm empty
empty head
empty life
i'm looking for something
i'll never find
searching, looking, picking, dicking, sticking
sickening, the sickly
but you, you look, nothing, everything
nothing to hide
because nothing inside.

2000021101tid242




untitled




drag me, leash
over rocks and through this shit
through the brambles and way down deep
like all the others before me
like all the others before you
you're sick
waiting, dating, mating
social parasite
virus, you spread hate
fear, longing, jelousy
open your life
for more than 1
and let me be second best
fuck them all
and let me watch
you're never going anywhere
and you fucking know it
for all your age and wisdon
you are still a child
and strangly old
strangly sane
they see you
they don't see what i do
they see beauty, wisdom, desire
dry cracked hacked
debauch
fraudulent, misery, plastic mask
hid your fear deep down inside
pretend you know it all
unvirgin, hardened soul
you've been here before
just back away
and take them [him] with
into the neverworld
and back to hell.
back to you (111900)

2000021102tid242




untitled




two people, alone wander in darkness
we meet. we peer at one another
like a mirror i look at you
but see myself, but see yourself
we look away, and return to the darkness

2000021103tid242




untitled




fuck it, everything you've said
fuck it, it weighs of lead
pulls my cheeks and makes me frown
and sends this life down to drown

2000021104tid242




untitled




fucking freeriders all around
takers, in a world, giving
make a promise, forget its sound
[in this] world of takers i'm barely living.

2000021105tid242




ebony hormone [the foolish suitor]




how many times you think, but don't know
larger than life, you're only human
better?-no, bitter, bile, blissful, blunt, bleakness
without envy, pseudostar, without friends
you're fucking great, any fool can eat
self-infatuation egophilic swine fucker
you think you're better, i know you're not
i can't wait for you to crash
the day when it fucking all comes down
and leaves you in the dust
like a whore, animal, the worm you are
washed up with nothing inside, and less exterior
fucking pseudostars come crashing down
burn up, dry and die.

2000022301tid242




the corner




brought into this place
world full of lies
get used to the taste
they'll never open their eyes

2000042001tid242




untitled [world full of nothing]




if only i had met you
in some other life.
if only i could know you
like you deserve
nothing, inside of me
lets me feel the same
nothing inside of me
will ever know your name
this life is cold
devoid of ache
grey ashes
all used up.
don't love me
pretend not to see.
a ghost, a shadow
nothing, nothing
i will hurt you
betray you
break you
forget you.
this petty thing called love
i would throw it away
i would fuck it all away
nothing touches, nothing can feel
nothing kisses, nothing breathes life into me
you are nothing, no one, cypher, shadow, ghost
background, far away, out of sight
out of mind.
nothing you are
makes me happy
nothing you have
do i covet
nothing, nothing
welcome to my world
my world of nothing.

2000081201tid242




untitled




these days fly by, but nothing to see
a blur in my mind, so far from me
sitting, waiting, time just flies
tourtured, this life, i know to despise

it doesn't end, it doesn't stop
this spinning world precession top
elegant, simple, complications rain down
delve into chaos, dive deep i drown

belegerant, ignorant, sickness rule
bleak life of servatude, this master's cruel
putting, pressing, me 6 ft under
tidal hypocracy wrenching asunder

fuck it, fuck it, and all that you do
it isn't working how you wanted it to
your plan's a joke, alzheimer gaud
lamented mystic, wallowing fraud

hiding lurking in everything i see
waiting, to spill these insides from me
this isn't right, not what you want
factions for you, of hate you flaunt

it's over, your fading, out of sight
blitzkreg inquisition losing its might
index to terminal it's used them all
virus of god, the kingdom will fall.

2000081202tid242




untitled




i sit
i lay
drowning in this sad world
sinking in this sea of hot chaos
pitching, pinching, piercing
cutting, screwing, wrenching
weaseling its way into my flesh
twisting its way into me
this sea of chaos
this world of hate
i am the light, and they are the wolves
drawn by the sight of a free meal
screw worms, razor maggots, bots
eating, driving fucking their way through me
so small am i, a fragile babe
so twisted already in this crib of ribs
as if swallowed up by some great beast
confined to the chains of this flesh
destined to fuck my way into oblivion
like the fathers before me
the fathers without names
without faces, without lives
no memory
they did nothing
fucked into nothingness
so weak am i, i see
but i cannot do
i want,
but cannot have
i love,
but cannot touch
i weep
but cannot cry
the burden of this world squeezes my chest
presses the life from me
a world of lonely hate
of unloved lovers
and crying angels
as the plague of love ravages my kind
the plague of hate consumes his brotheren
the love of plague poisons our future
and the hate of plague drives us mad
this disease, my disease
our disease, my disease
your sickness is mine
i bear it for you
your hate is mine
i wear it for you
wishing i could hate
wishing i could love
wishing i could be
just like you.
but never, i cannot.
the guilt of the world weighs upon me
the tears you have fall from me
one, one
all alone
down to earth
6 feet under
they don't love, they can't
they're already dead, i'm already dead.
waiting to fuck myself into conformity
waiting for the bots to eat me alive
waiting, waiting, for the end
in this sea of tears,
this sea of hate.
this sea of nothing
you call god.

2000081203tid242




"american"




they cut them down
i am a guest
bloodied, bleeding they lay
black skinned, maggot rot corpses
i walk past
for days they stand in line

life line...hospital
i wait not, i walk past
"American" escapes their lips
as they nod my way
i see them kill each other
knives in hand
fix their gaze upon my pale skin
naive pale skin
"i will not hurt you American"
they mutter as they walk past
walk past me and murder their kin
i'm better
i'm just a person
like all the dead around me
just people
but the american lives
i live
and i watch
as my beloved brothren
beloved brothren kill themselves....
beloved brothren kill me inside

2000082301tid242




...fucking love, falling in, falling out...




so many times before
have i stood at this same precipace
looking down, like so many others
all lined up all looking down
we do not see one another
we all look down
so many hundreds
thousands, millions, billions
looking to fall, down...down...down...down...
who knows who will fall
and steal the show
steal your fall
how quickly that no one
suddenly become someone
that invaseive 'the one'
how quickly i become no one
drown in that sea of someones
no longer 'the one'
whimsical U-turn fucking
fucking client side packet sniff
fall in love? no
fall from grace
fall from sanity
broken bones abound
tainted leap of faith
over the cliff we follow
the apostles
media whores that live in myth
their fucking lives built up around them
theif fucking lies build up their lives
truth abounds in all this pain
nothing else seems real
my mind wanders circles
in this thing called insecurity
the only thing that makes any sense
nothing makes any sense at all
so this is the fruit
from which i have never eaten
cast down from bliss
to live in this world of maiming
falsified faces and smiling masks
and everything real killing us inside
the world of the shadow
flooding what we are at deep
but i've fallen in and it's bottom soon
strewn among the fallen, the no ones
me, just another number, another fallen tear
just another nobody

2000082601tid242




untitled




this thing at night, it makes me cry
this choking fright, this fucking thing
relentless, nameless, choiceless, merciless
lurking, hiding, deep inside
without a face, passion, or emotion
it comes for me, and consumes my life
the nature of the thing that drives this fear
totalitarian, in every whisper it lurks
hissing stare, in every laugh it rings
rings hollow, like my life, just like you
nothing but a shell, a fading memory
that gutteral primitive breath
like some tourtured animal
the only thing i can remember
this lingering thought that stays inside me
like a sickness
my disease
a disease mornes sorrow
and this thing at night
it makes me cry
my drkest plight
why did you die?

you've been the best _ i could have asked for
i know i've never said this, but i love you
and i hope you always knew
and _&_ will grow up to be great people
goodbye, i'll see you tomarrow

2000082602tid242




untitled




so ineliquently i write
i try in vain to fill up these pages
with thousands of meaningless nothings
it will never be enough
what i am can never be put on paper
what i am no one will ever know
nor care
just another slant-eyed corpse waiting to die
just another fucker standing in line
my mind races, faster than words
trying to put order to this chaos
this chaos which lurks below the surface
behind these collected eyes
tumultous waves, shake my life
below the surface, deep below the surface
you'll never see, you'll never know
it's all so deep, so far from you
it's all so lost and dark and heavy
it's all nothing... nothing you would ever know
but you would never care
you wouldn't ever love me anyway
you didn't ever love me anyway.

2000082603tid242




preneur des fleurs




sweet lips don't condemn
they know it only flatters
slit throats he takes from them
the only thing that matters

2000090201tid242




untitled




so quickly the weak believe
love, friendship, commitment
so quickly they are torn apart
and thrown away
how often they fall down that same mountain
and how foolishly they climb back up
pushed, over the ledge
by the wolves amongst the sheep
the users amongst the meek
disfranchised, belief gone awry
romanticism, on their minds
"is he the one?"
question on lips, heart and mind
"he must be" she whispers
as he casts her aside

2000091201tid242




untitled




i can't close my eyes and make you go away
i wish i could... just one more mistake
congradulations, sweet 16
like the 15 before you
law of deminishing marginal returns
you were the worst one
least satisfying, most cumbersome
so leave me now, you fucking whore
16, 15, what's one more?

virgins suck.

2000091202tid242




untitled




nothing, to me
i think i want it
but never enough to satisfy
i'm missing something
hole, wound, hurt, bleak
fill it up, keep it inside.
her.
use it up, fucked up inside
keep striving, driving, writhing, kniving, conniving
there's something in here
i know it, there has to be

something deeper, something longer
help me need her, make me stronger
intoxication of sleep, between her thighs
this wet fires's deep, don't open your eyes
don't wake up, or you'll finally see

}----------------------------------------{

keep it up.......... [just keep going]
keep it up........... [don't stop now]
keep it up....................... [not yet]
keep it up........ [oh please not yet]
keep it up.... [almost fucking there]

}----------------------------------------{

as these horrible insides spill out of me
used up
wet, used, used, used, misused, reused, abused
she is nothing, nucience, noose, old news, crying...
inside my bed
i close my eyes
and wish she were dead.

2000091203tid242/20001216




untitled




from your life of abuse you come to me
and taint this life with things you've seen
you love to be hurt, hurt to be loved
i wish i could say, i will never be there
i will fucking walk away. but i can't
i won't, something inside, anchored to you
dragging me down, pulling me in, into you
squeezing the air from my chest,
as you've felt before
beneath that ethyl braun, paternal king, totalitarian tyrant
the good life, shallow that fascade, spewing well of life
pooling, defying, denying, drowning, sinking, falling, sucking, fucking, dying
fucking dying, fucking dying
we're all all fucking dying
everything, fades, and slips away, the chatter seems distant
and you are so far away
parapeople and pseudolovers, i only see the truth
in me
in you
child born of regret
raised on tears
you, amalgum of need.

2000092501tid242




untitled




all the pretty little faces
they all look the same
so many tempting fucking places
to take away my name
all the pseudo-cheerful smiles
i know they're bleak inside
the laugh i hear defiles
the truth of which has died
'cuz this center doesn't hold
there's nothing left to save
it fucking leaves me stark and cold
what i had, i gave.

i had, but i gave it
i have, nothing left

all this fire, you took from me
hardend liar, the truth i see
there's nothing left, you have it all
and in this life i only fall.

2000100501tid242




untitled




all of these eyes
i can feel, between the blades
drilling into my back
i can feel their fire
their passion
their hatred
i know they would love to pull the trigger
to fell me like a cloth whore
leave me cold and misused
like those she kills, cold and putrid
vile and distasteful
i can hear their thoughts
hateful incantations
harmful dreams
bledgeoning, beating, bashing, mashing, clawing, biting, scratching
bleeding, killing their way though me
driving their steel into mine
driving theif flesh into mine
fucking this life away
fucking all this shit away
solice in hell, blissful indifference
ignorance rule, put me down
fucking holding me, pressing me into the mud
squeezing my breath away
choking my sight away
bury the problem
bury the whore
bury the one
that i thought was me.

2000100502tid242




untitled




hold my eyes open
make me see
all the things you've felt before
you've done before, you've fucked before
press your hate, sorrow, hurt, revenge
revenge, revenge, regenge
press your mistakes into me
make me believe
make me you
thurn me into everything you hate
everything you've ever lost
that feeling of emptiness
that hollow nothingness that sucks you in
inside out, it's all i see
your disease, my disease
this blight, bleakness you're so beligerent
so lost, so abusive, but so much a part of me
no you're not
i'm just an empty part of you
just another shit you've fucked
mistake, i knew i was nothing
because i'm that part of you
i am that nothing inside of you

the bugs in the salad
i know you think is me.

2000100503tid242




untitled




another light fades, vanishes
and again, alone am i in this place
in this world, this life
alone inside my head
the handholds are folding
on this slippery slide
the weight of the thing
too much to bear
too much to fight
too much to die for
this thing inside of me
too much for them to see
for them to know
multi-dimentional, mysterious
and tormenting
like the cypherous skipper in the storm
any port will not do
leaving humanity, society, conformational populace
i never want to go back
vegabond, i ride above the fish
plenty of them in the sea
they all look the same from here
clones, schools, hoards, swarms, teeming with life
frantic, fanatical, finesse; is this life?-no, nothing
all below me, all so far away
overboard i fall, as they scatter like leaves
the weight of the thing pulling me down
past the fish, into the murkey depths
depths of nothing, darkness, cold, bleak
crushing, suffocating, unescapable
thus the fish, the thing
together: another place i didn't want to go
together: another thing i don't want to know.

2000100601tid242




untitled




so many times before have i said i wouldn't be here
that i would never let myself feel this way again
but here i am, standing from the bottom of this hole
seeing the day-light i used to know, used to breathe and feel
i said i would never cry to the sky with dispair on my lips
but here i am.
a slave to the whims which make us human
the whims which make us bleed
a slave to your voice and your indecisiveness
a rose blossoming in the frost
my tears burned away by the cold
pedals never to be used again
tears never to fall again
in those i place my trust
and for those it's thrown away
laughing at my table
but having never cried with me
this thing called love, mutualism
it rings so false, so hollow and off key
like a call to divert, convert, i don't know
but it's not for me, this i know
it never has been, my greatest failing
my greatest flaw, all this life i cannot share with another
the unfairness, the resentment it brings
it isn't right, it's flawed, polluted and false
this thing called love? is that what it's called?
tell me, because i wouldn't even know
sell me, because you wouldn't fucking know.

2000100901tid242




untitled




i didn't ever love you
but you thought i did
it drives you away
like the joy from my heart
leaves me empty, shallow
with nothing i didn't have
nothing i didn't have
so run for freedom
trapped in my chest
indecisive nature
i'm no longer the best

2000100902tid242




the cold wind upon the Heather.




as i walk i can feel the air get colder
that chill aura as the summer dies
the bleak wind strips the trees of their leaves
they have grown grey, brown and dead
they crunch underfoot like a thousand dreams
like a thousand tears, cried for you, died for you
a thousand lies that hath been spoken, whispered, thought, remembered
escaped your lips, my lips, our lips, together, no longer, nor ever again
carelessly strewn about, listlessly, restlessly, hopelessly
by the winds of change
those cold winds of change
the ever-shifting fruits of life sometimes grow sour
like grapes in the mid-day sun
so many lovers like ants, wait like vultures for that spoiled flesh
wait like people watching their god, watching their television
just another 30 minute block and gone are you from my life
just one more thing this sickness called "god" hath taken from me
hath stripped away, hath thrown away, hath fucked away
another leaf turned grey, crunches underfoot with hardly a whince from me
just one more leaf, why should i care?
sometimes i think i am incapable of love, and a world giving
sometimes i think the opposite is true
my future is set, strong like the trees
planted amongst these sidewalk lanterns
spotted like phallic popsicles inside my brain
tempting the strong....strong like the trees....
until the next cold wind blows change and all these leaves come sobbing down
all these memories, dreams and hopes fall like nothing, in a sea of many they go unnoticed,
and in this sea of faces yours slips away.

2000100903tid242





untitled




here i sit
so many times before
alone
so alone without you
no one
i've finally found you
but it's already too late
this world's already suffocated
me, you, us
dead and cold
stiffled and old, weary torn
abused.
alone, i sit.

2000101601tid242




untitled




you're gone
yet still here
haunting, stocking
hovering
like a shadow
i can feel you
how you touched this life
then went away
looked away
turned away
abandoned me
you said you'd not
white lie
you said you would
and did
i did it for you
all for you
teeter-todder, my side
crashes down
broken, twisted, bent
me
no one to play
the shadow weighs nothing
is nothing, does nothing
antagonist - occupies the spot
takes up space
in my head, it's all in my head
but you still take up space
and scare the others away

2000101602tid242




untitled




sometimes i see
things
only for me
i see me inside of you
tearing, pleading, needing
to get out
it scares you
you don't see it but
you know it's there
inside, denied
you know it will kill you
just like me
you look away but
you never even saw me.

2000101603tid242




untitled




so tired
weary of being old
logical in this world of chaos
mired by crying for you
tired of dying for them
all of them, like insects
they walk and talk and breathe
but robots, they do not live
do not think
just want to find
what i'm looking for
want to fit into
this world, rejects me
and i, it, nihilism is
me
misanthrope am i to it
outside, i can never be
like them, like you
as i sink into dispair
fall into this place
obliette inside my head
i know they can never love me
i know their god can never save me
their sex will never heal me
false hugs will never free me
for this world will never see me
nor i, it
i don't see
i can't see
this life they lead
content with nothing
laughter without me
i'm here
silence predominates
a thick blanket smothers the room
it's me, i can feel it
i am that thing,
that takes their smiles
and throws them away
i am the cold that won't be warmed
that corner, never lit
the moon that never sets
it's me, i can feel it
something different inside me
apart, never a part
of you, or it.
just me alone
alone, just me

2000101604tid242




untitled




now, back to the time
back to that time
before i ever knew you
before i looked
and actually saw a person standing there
i'm back to the way i was before
cold, unfeeling, hard, ashen
the life warmed briefly before fading away
falling into that hole of emptyness
the whole i know only too well
but that's ok
love was never been my foray
and while others seem to thrive
like parched wanders out of the desert
i cannot drink that first sip of water
the thought of change burns me up
hotter than this incinerating sun
burning millions of hols into my back
hotter than the million eyes
driving their way through my flesh
hotter than the passion i know is there
but will never feel, never learh, never know
because when i look no one is there.

2000103001tid242




of christ and men




repress, obsess, depress
i can see the circle, but i am not a part
the halo around the head, giving everything i want
everything i need
that promise that would take all this away
and make me whole, make me real
the more i try the further away i become
elusive, exclusive, i so obtrusive, intrusive
"tell me about the halo george"
i would fucking break the circlet
giver of all these lies
empty promises to the whores like me
soul-food to those without
walking on egg shells?
they crush under foot, why should i care?
i don't even fucking care
they crash down, cave in, crumple
like the world around me
white, pretty, pristine
like that dew-laden web, unfunctional
love it, kiss it, touch it, and it breaks
falls to dust, like everything i know
the more i see the more i touch
and the more this world around me
becomes a depthless set of pictures
but no one sees, no one cares
but why should they?
they still have their circles
have their halos, the only real thing
i've fucking broken mine
it wasn't real for me, it never was
it never will be
just like me
i never will be
in this egg shell world
halo's fucking like rabbits
and i, either to smart to understand
to see
or far to dumb
"tell me about the halo george"
"tell me about the egg shell george"
"george, tell me about your fucking god."

2000103002tid242




untitled [susie]




this thing inside of me
trying to tear itself from my chest
break through, step through, come through
to the light, smothered in dark
whispering in my ear
it makes me different from all of them
it always has, it always will
be there, be here, whispering in my ear
reminding me
binding me
i'm only human, but this thing is not
godlike it drives this life
the guiding hand, i am but a pawn
powerless in its clutches
pulling me away from the light
into this bleakness called dispair
i know you're sick of me, that you don't want to know
but it's the thing, not me, not me
it's the thing you hate, that hurts you
that tears you down and leaves you dry
leaves me dry.
i can feel it drain the smiles from the room
pull everything i care about inside this hole
place in the dirt.everything i love goes away
driven away or made grey like me
it's a part of me
no, it is me

2000110601tid242




untitled




so abusive the abusers
so used like nothing
so hurt the hungry
feeding themselves
providing, lending, giving
of themselves,
there's nothing left
but pieces of them
scattered about
slandered around
this place
rings hollow
empty
like broken memories
tainted by fate
polluted by date
we walk these hallowed halls
like nothing, ghosts
phantoms in this place
banshees morning
wailing song
killing this pain away
fucking all this pain away
so many thousands of faces
all look the same
inside this bed
orgasmic society
covet the pretty
the beautiful
the only ones we want
only ones we flaunt
headless babies
made to cry
born to die
made like us
in this place
this hollow room
the screaming song
of banshee sex
moves our lips
but without words
imposter, pretender
live to die
shallow shells
we walk the walk
and brag with talk
pointed, the wrong fucking way
and from our lips, weave nothing to say...

2000120101tid242




untitled [commercialmas]




the sounds of the season
voices, a million strong
try to change me, to sell me
slave to their whims
trampled minority
'tis the season
ignorance roars
dogmatic nastalgia
blast from the past
polluted by money
and dreams of hedonistic sacrifice
given a new face
marred by thorns
upon its brow
the prick of those close
the sting of stigma
they put on themselves
and press their thorns into me
let them tear my flesh
and purge this life
put this poison into me
run from the thorns
into the brambles
blindly, thoughtlessly, ruefully
that razorwire of living flesh and blood
tangles me, drowns and pulls me under
suffocating, breathless, hopeless in this sea
sea of people, fighting to float
to pull me down
down, there i belong, where they put me
because 'tis the season
and i am not one of them

2000120102tid242




untitled [gen|e in the bottle]




i watch, i see and i know
the wonder drug
makes us superman
fucking alabi
fucking alabi
fucking alabi
it's ok, over and over and over
it's ok, or so they say
addiction, conviction, crucifiction
in here, this place
that cross of glass
genie in the bottle
gene in the bottle
i'm fucking trapped inside
bottle is my life, my knife, my strife
lifting me up as it tears it all away
hooked on "disfonics" slurred speech
this thing inside me
that screams for the thing
the drug
when i found it
the only thing that mattered
born again!
i have found it,
what everyone says they have
god, god's not the bottle
it's what tells me to drink...

i am the genie inside
that fucking god that's trapped inside
(121200)
2000120103tid242




untitled




open my mouth
but nothign to say
the eyes upon me
expectant, wanting to hear
those words, wanting me
to sound just like them
i never will
i never can
and those eyes slowly look away
leaving me in darkness
trapped in this place
out of the spotlight
forever, fallen from grace

2000120104tid242




untitled




i've been here for hours
waiting for you
writting these flowers
still waiting for you
still waiting, still waiting
expectantly sit
this puzzel of dating
the pieces don't fit

2000120105tid242




untitled [knower]




walking, stalking, talking, mocking, saying all those things, saying preying, the knower, sees all, lets them fall, knows her name, aces her game, the knower, unbound, slight of mind, this kind of freedom, she cannot find, this person, man, machine that knows, this reason, plan, the seeds he sews, knowledge, plants that tainted seed, and fills her wanted heart with need.
2000120401tid242




untitled




the ill that walk, wander the street
of devil's talk, we admonish to meet
those like them, the ones we hate
whose sickness condemn, we can't relate
you see the people, who hurt this town
alas the steeple, hidden, it pulls us down

2000120402tid242



untitled




watch them walk by
with no where to go
their destination
they have no future
look at me
that insideous gaze
and turn away
back into darkness, they
without a future!

2000120403tid242




untitled




so many lives i wish i could have lived
so many you's i wish i could have met
all these places i will never see
all these me's i can never be
too far gone
down this lonely path
no one will follow
for i am the last.

2000120404tid242




untitled [snow]




so many people, falling like snowflakes
swarming in a sea of depthless, colorless, homogenous
nothing, sea of white
millions, billions of empty faces, none the same
fucking all the same
nameless, voiceless, choiceless
they fall to the ground
billions of babes dropped from the womb
broken, bloody on the floor
i catch them, i try to save them all
hold them in my hands, give them my warmth
precious warmth
but too much to bear, they melt
burn away and dissappear
destroyed by my touch
incapable of life in those torrential winds of cold
winds of life
so many snowflakes, so many people
i would love them, love them all
but they tremble for fear of my touch
tremble for fear of me
for my touch would destroy their cold
would burn down their world
and this life would burn their fucking world down.

2000120405tid242




untitled




so far away your face grows
weary, this river, cold
you've sailed me down
pushed me off
sail me down the river
sail me down the river
farther away from you
falling, can't hold on
white water
constand white water
rocks, jagged cutting
bashing, slashing, beating
needing, pleading, hurting, flirting
haunting, taunting, flaunting
your face
not the rock i thought it would be
phalic smile, seat denial
look away, slip away, fall away
no, it's me, i'm slipping
falling, looking, the only one
still looking everyone
you. have turned away
but i'm so far downstream
you can't even see me anyway
never see me
out to sea,
all the fish in the sea
all the pretty ones
down this forsaken.
washed out.
fallen
river
pretty, but they aren't you
the only one i want
the only thing that matters
just a fish story?
the big one, got away?
no, nothing like that
it's simple
catch and release
i'm the fish
you let me go

2000123101tid242




untitled #164




i can see their bodies move
suede inside the flesh
i can feel their muscles flex
sweating in the dark
i can hear their hollow breath
shuddering in the night
i can taste their bitter breath
longing of my flesh
but i can't smell their scent
becasue i know they don't exist

2001011001tid242




untitled #165




i can see them walk
and i can read their minds
i know theyr eyes look
tho nothing ever found
continue to gaze, infinity
in the dark
they look at me
right through me
gaze and look for nothing
and nothing is all they'll find

2001011002tid242




untitled #166666




they said they'd always be here
they said that they cared
they told me i was one
but i've never been the same
they only love those are close
are not close to me
they tried their best but failed
for i will never be

2001011003tid242




untitled [freewrite]




free writting, i don't feel anything, but i write anyway all the hate i used to feel seems to go away i hate that empty feeling, always lurks inside i fucking try to push these things i long to hide i wish i was something, i wish i could be used i wish i could love to feel, and long to be abused these words flow, from my pen, they are not mine the thoughts that come that flow spontaneously ryme another line written, but this hate stays inside i feel dead unto the world, which has already died black and white and bleak and grey, everything i see i know i'll never fit, and their dreams are never free
2001011004tid242




untitled




the white man walks
swaggers in the street
bulky brawn and fucking ego
he looks for those to meet
i hate the white man
son of everything that's wrong
preying on the pretty
looking up my kind
fucking animal looks for shit to do
bored, beligerent, hates the kind
he says he loves,
he says he loves
says he loves
liar, liar
egophillic, femphillic
nymphophillic
makes them what he wants
the white man, the white man?
that person....that person
is me, is you, is all of us
misplaced society, tainted ideals
broken lies are promises
fucking tryst deals
misconstrewed, disarm
and break us with its kiss
and tear our bleeding hands away
sheep
from everything we miss

2001011005tid242




fuck god




like looking through a glass, cut off from this world
peering through the window, i'm trapped inside
i wish i could be just like them
i wish i could reach out and take your hand
some of us will never fit in
some of us will never belong
i am that one
that bitch that never screams
man that won't devour
whore that will not fuck
abstinence king
cock in hand
hypocrisy of what this world does
does to me
sex not rooted in love
a world not rooted in dreams
eyes not seeing the truth
we all writhe, crawl and fuck
in this pit of ash
vat of grease
lovers in the blankets
sold souls in the pictures
swine in the dirt
all slaves to the one
cruel master of hate
breathing life into these bodies
hurt into these eyes
making us everything we are
and a little bit more
sit in his house
or sit the fuck down
do the preying
or you be that one
inside those words
words of prayers

2001011601tid242




untitled




moaning groaning rocking docking sweating petting wetting letting
them inside, let them all come inside
lying flying living giving smiling laughin wearing the mask
use abuse treat and eat, suck fuck and die with luck
the blood, the way begets itself
mother had it
father had it
purity in line
one way one life
one way to live
whisper gleam smiling dream
tell them all
what they want to hear
from within the mask
peering peer
who breathes that hate
on loving sighs
kiss the date
of sex and lies
seek love and fame
valley of lice
so play the game
and throw the dice

2001011602tid242




untitled [wings]




creepy man across the room
sips his drink with eyes upon me
stupid eyes of passion gone
leering smile of joy frogotten
love forgotten, life forgotten
too easy to do
let it slip away
and let the world pass you by
sailed down the river
so easy to spread those wings
and let him pound away
inside this life
inside this bed
so easy
too easy
i know this
hate it, decry and deny
but when he buys me a drink
one moon of many
falls from the heavens
while i'm with him
and he's inside of me

2001011603tid242




untitled




happy go lucky
with nothing to love
grind the vibe
then look away
pretend you're real
though transparent
to me
for real
world of glass
see right through
look through them
look through you
opaque i
stand alone
sucking the light
inside this hole
draining their smiles
from this place
the glass game of kings
i the dark army
always wins
always last
always right
in a world so wrong
heathen truth
diving lie
cast down
stepped on
never the one who could
in this prison of light
my own black hood
and the curse of this sight
this life
this light
put out
snuffed out
flame of difference
put out by you

2001011701tid242




[sacrifice]
untitled #173




watch them walk by
the fading, fake, false, fallen
smile the frown and flirt the SOBs
mask-era those tears and flaunt emaciation
fallen angels and polluted peers
wings tattered, torn weak broken
lives spent for words never spoken
people lie and people cheat
anorexics die, and bulemics eat
worth it, yes, everyone knows
boys like conciousness and sacrifice shows!

2001011702tid242




untitled




here to conform
to be like them
live the things they want me to be
know the things they think they see
earn your place, sell your soul
pick your stone and dig the hole
everyone does but no one knows
they sing the song but can't compose
play their ideas, propagate urbanity
swallow the truth, evil insanity
it will never help you, it will never heal
it will never love you, those you try to steal
falling apart, but it's falling together
the pieces of this tainted endevour
come full circle, ignorance reigns
this line cannot ryme, because my mind is
lost

2001011703tid242




untitled




i don't love you
why would i?
but i'll pretend
no one else
to fuck right now
something better
will come along
you've got the thing
part i want
but you're nobody
just another hole
i sink my flesh into
just another night
in this life of many
many nights
many holes
many idiots
that think
think that i am the one
they don't think
heartless, faceless, clueless
i will never be the one

for them
and i kill them with my touch
softer than this kiss
i'll put their fears to rest
lay their lives to bed

i am one night
scream
i am one memory
cry
i am one drink
inebriation
i am one smile
dead

but i'm not the one
fucking girl.

2001011704tid242




untitled




robots, they walk
every day
without direction
cyphers
nobodies
nothings
one fucker in a world of many
one tear in an ocean of wamth
one dollar in the pocket of god
capitalism is the church
feast upon the mutten
though tastes of ham
shock-rock idiocracy
clergy glam
fire and brimstone
is for cooking bread
breaking in the bed
do this in rememberence of me
cannible, symbolism
sickness rule
hypocracy media
god's not a fool
inside the TV
whisper in my ear
electronic empire
is all i can hear.

2001011705tid242




untitled




time passes
though nothing gets done
the hands move
but i still havn't come
"not yet, but soon..."
she promises
empty promises
and i can't feel a thing
"soon..." she says
while walking away
but nothing's changed inside this day.

2001011706tid242




[guided wrong bush]
untitled




"Best seen and not heard."

whores, with ideas like me

"A danger to themselves and society."

passion that will not conform

"Equal rights, not special rights."

put us 6 feet under

"Freedom to pray in schools."

and make us just like you...

fucking dead, fucking die



2001011707tid242




untitled




the big man walks
uses the space
eats up everything
in his path
more, much more
than what he deserves
it's genetics
it's society
it's a gland problem
no, a slave to consumables
slave to freedom of choice
no freedom in his impulse
he eats and eats?
no, but he fucks the world.

2001011708tid242




untitled




super ego
insecure heart
get ready
mirror man
slave to his eyes
clone of his god
jack-in-the-box
the godbox
flashes, bells and whistles
the crotch that grows
this sea of thistles.

2001011709tid242




untitled




dress yourself up
to look like you don't
just like everyone else
cliche' "i have no cliche'"
fucking hypocrite
all fucking hypocrites
but they fit in
and that's the way it is.

2001011710tid242




untitled




oxymoron: everyone's different.

2001011801tid242




untitled




NIMBY yohimbe
trial of denial
hide your fears
and mock your peers
kill the friend
then just pretend
fake and bake and
try to cry
this is america
we are america
i am america
put it out [pull it out]
snuf the flame
turn me on
abuse the lame
say you do
fucking do not
and crucify those
but don't get caught.

2001011901tid242




untitled




culture, not
lights on
lights off
have what we want
why we want
the things we flaunt
smell of sex
sneer on lips
face that turns
these things to smiles
twists this heart of gold
ductile, i'm so
string me out
on the wire
pull me apart
no, i am the wire
give you an inch
not what you take
really just another thing
you've taken from me
pried from my hands
broken these fists
"some people's garbage..."
excess baggage
i would take it all
keep it all
save it all
worship it all
the only
the only thing i have
you've dumped on me
carry on
i have the hurt
back at the airport
you flew away
went away
another place
stepping stone
temp fuck
another day
garbage man
crawling through
your eyes
were the only
thing i knew.

2001011902tid242




untitled




a reflection
your complexion
your kiss in my eyes
inside my head
the only thing
i seem to remember
everything it meant
it might have meant
meant to me
meant a lot
fucking meant to me
means nothing
i'm still there
cannot run away
get away
crawl away
there's nowhere i can go
nothing i can do
reflection that knew
complexion of you
nothing, because you're inside my head
and just won't go away

2001011903tid242




untitled




days pass
one by one
blend together
they're all the same
friends come
really just one
just like the others
they're all the same
then you go
away like the others
i knew you were a clone.

2001011904tid242




untitled [in the dirt]




me, my
immagination
society

you, your
sex
society

me, my
life
sobriety

you, your
smile
sobriety

me, my
mind
contrariety

you, your
decision
contrariety

people, their
hate
society

norms, thier
rule
ignorance rule

this is society
never sobriety

god
the monster
in the bottle

and you stepping
stepping on
me
my place
in the dirt

2001011905tid242




untitled




the man that wants
all the lovers
sparks of desire
tender, timid tinder
blind to the heat
they happen to be in
blind to the man
who just wants in
one time, one day
one life, destroyed
not like us
bue he's like me
fallen angels
are all i see.

2001011906tid242




untitled




masquerade crusade
blissless pride parade
marching bulls
pigs in blue
all the hate
they think i'm you
but them
fuckers in a line
porcine wolves
of sheep they dine.

2001011907tid242




untitled




muslem men, a million strong
catholic addiction, sickness song
men of faith
women of servitude
unloving gaze
dogmatic beliefs
gone awry
gone wrong
faith forgotten
born of hate
killers of babes
and living fate
apocalypse now
because they say
the end is near
and they kill us all.

2001011908tid242




untitled




sweetie, cutie
just want sex
i know you do
woman
toy, thing
not worth keeping
your innocence
your fascade
eager to defy
happy to cry
you lie to me
i know you do
i don't buy
but i'll fuck you too.

2001011909tid242




untitled [not the rock]




days pass
this, like all the others
time flows, the river
washed ashore
some distant land
far downstream
lost to the world
you once knew
lost to a cause
that used to matter
used to be
you used to be
something, now, nothing
fallen, tumbled over
down those falls
jagged rocks hold fast
-
not the rock you thought it would be?
not the way you thought it would be?
not the one you thought it would be?
-
no, never the one
never the way
it's not the rock
doesn't hold you up
inverse, break your back
break your resolve
break your dreams
sucks your pathetic life away
and lets it fall over the falls
tumble down the river
out of sight, out of mind
out of luck, so far away
you're so far away
so all alone
dropped by your wings
and fucked by your rock.

2001012201tid242




untitled




look them in the eyes
and they'll look away
speak kind words
and they'll breathe hate
smile their fears
and they'll oblige
touch their face
and they will cry
the softest touch
caring caress
unlike the others
sex, drugs, society
unlike this world
they could never understand
they don't understand
they don't see
they'd rather
pet than hug
touch than hold
show than see
fuck than love
they like the lights, off
reflection of themselves
dark world, bleak life
nothing to share
hedonism whore
too bad they can never be
what they think they are
and too bad i, who want to love them
cannot save them from their fall...

2001012202tid242




untitled




their gaze stares questions
i know they'll never ask
curiosity consumes the world
sigmas chain them down
norms chain them down
structure chains them down
holds them down
drags them downb
to the bottom
beneath the sea of tears
drowning in their sorrow
you one of many
choking on your life.

2001012203tid242




untitled




they think they know
think they help
think they understand
think they make a difference
in this fucking world
think they can save me
from this hole
that has always been inside
consuming this life
consuming my world
they think they can help?
fuck them, fuck them all
i will never sell
never buy into this lie
they say is me
and i will never be
the whore they say i am.

2001012204tid242




untitled




millions of lives
all going nowhere
all going to heaven
everyone rightous
in a world of darkness
everyone white
world of black
blatant contradiction
they choose to ignore.

2001012205tid242




untitled




misguided mind perceives the world
mind's eye sees only blight
downward spiral, each turn
vicissitude of obligation
expectation of conformity
expectation of failure
live up to falling
down
keep falling down
the only thing we know
the only place we go
and the failure called "you"
my eyes, my mind, the only thing i see.

2001012206tid242




untitled




crazy people don't know what they want
play this game i'm supposed to know
read the signs, never seen before
sorry i'm not the kind that does
sorry i'll never be like them
-like you-
sorry you were wrong
but it's not my fault
pass the blame, but i'll
i'll just walk away
because you can never
make me think
that i am you.

2001012207tid242




untitled




used to be a hero
now nothing, fallen
wretched, nowhere to go
symbol of a broken system
failing cause
dying way of life
the new age comes
obsolescence tsunami
crashes down
shores of gold
waves of change
breaks this world
tears this world
apart
out with the old
nothing's ever new
nothing ever changes
the way we are
as we pass us by
we stand, mouth agape
not comprehending
thinking, chatter
a thousand wasted words
for a thousand wasted lives
a thousand broken promises
to fill the space
inside ourselves
inside this life
lies ring hollow
fills my ears
my head
brain
cannot think
not respond, dead to this cause
never a part of this world
or your life
so i let it die
i let you fall
because i never loved you
and i would never care
never love,
i would never touch
never touch you anyway

2001012601tid242




untitled




as manly men break their backs
playing games of strength
in all their weakness
attack the hungry
they're just like you
i'm not just like me
hungry, lonely, sad, scared
sick, polytheistic, and laugh at fear
nothing will ever get inside
this heart, this life
nothing will ever touch
and feel this heart of stone
life of grey
no one.
america
america
a whole world full
full of no ones.

2001012603tid242




untitled




the time of day to call it quits
the part of life i just give up
piece of me that dies inside
but still lives in the bottle
time passes as i drink it down
my trojan friend all used up
trojan man, mask of smile
in blissful stupor, slumber
the world spins, around one thing
this life holds on, the eye of the storm
solice therein
but peering, leering, jeering at me
inside its heart, it's all i see.

2001012604tid242




untitled




live in fear
of the days that come
irresistable future
pulling me in
i can feel myself slipping
quietly away
shrieking, screaming, fighting, biting
anything, anything
please don't take me there
don't make me go
don't let me go
i can see the end
in all this life of hurt
but i can't stop the hand
pushing me, into the dirt.

2001012605tid242




untitled




hug the bear and be like them
sell your heart, to any face that smiles
drop your life for that thing without a cause
fall from grace, that you never had
pseudostar, you walk above
only to fall down
only to find a bear
hug the bear and be like them
spread your legs and let him in

2001012606tid242




untitled [hater of sadness]




like a thousand voices
whisper sorrow
quietly
inside my heart
a thousand lovers
that left me here
a thousand mothers
that passed away
the world full of smiles
i used to see
changed, tainted
black, rotten
which seeps from the center
from inside
the heart of the beast
turning me
to the dark
making me
what i see
this dark
perfect peace
plants the seed
seed of sorrow
in my chest
well of opacity
whoever dinks of me...
eternal plight
the disease
plague
febrile fire
dire
straits
queers
fags & niggers
a world so built on hate
and i just one of many
thousands of the hated
the lover that wouldn't give
the mother long gone

-i-

everything i hate to see
reflection, staring back
to me
nothing, can't erase this pain
undeserving, for i
not a person, just another
just one more hater.

2001013101tid242




untitled [uncle sham]




so many round eyed
clear faced
beautiful blissful babes
crying for a bottle
begging for a teet
the monsters, mockingbirds
colors of the flag
fail to notice 13 silver
buttons on uncle sam
the man with finger
middle finger
sticking in your chest
who 'da man?
he's da' man
fucking put you down
lube' up
bend over
and worship he behind
face in pillow
hides the tears
tears, you up inside
pledge allegiance to the fag
the myth he catalyzed for you
live in shame
forget your name
the old man owns you too!

2001013102tid242




circles in the fire
slaves to desire




another day
just another day
the clock spins circles
monotonous, boring, mundane
repetition that i know
i walk & talk & breath and fuck
circadian rythms of my life
something's wrong
nothing's right
haven't i been here before?
this same place, same race
i always last in line
finish line
what next clock runs out of juice
run to die, persue to lie
alibi of life
excuse to live is all we want
weave webs to decieve
circles around our heads
halos, shiny, brilliant
mirrors what we are
wreaks of what we aren't
and laughs, in our faces
brilliance
because we'll never be
never see
blinded by that web of lies
sparkling in our fire
hellforge deep inside
pyromaniacs
but light this world
light the way
light the dark,
heathen, heather
we light the fire
desire
and we burn this fucking world
no, but we could have burned this fucking world down!

2001013103tid242




untitled




your god has left you here
abandoned you
wilted by the way
you blossomed in his light
burned to nothing
return to whence you came
moment of birth
means nothing
if you never live
one moment of fortitude
failure, infused into your dreams
failure, encoded in your genes
dispair, i can hear it in your screams
like a thousand of your line before you
paving the way
seek forbidden fruit
sweat pleasure
sweat on your flesh
seek retribution
locked into your life
freedom in your loss
owed to you
deserving of what you are
what you see
what they do to you
deserving of the light
drying you up inside
burning your youth away
spotlight, a fucking star
used to be, was
high as a kite
high on yourself
has been
fallen from the sky
drown in your heat
wilt and die

2001020101tid242




untitled




billions of brains burning
stars in the sky
some brighter than others
stand alone
or fall into line
lost amongst a billion points of light
you just a fleck in the darkness
a billion candles dancing in the dark
the stands of the show
dark, dingy, nicotine and sweat
the splender of life
some burn longer than others
some burn taller than others
some burn hotter than others
mine, like all the others
solitary light
in a sea of darkness
a billion faceless bodies
flowing like an ocean
writhing in the chaos
moving to the beat of life
march of war
the trail of tears
too proud to live
too dumb to die
alongside our charriots
of guiding light
but left alone to selfishness
self-servitude, self-rightousness
divinity touting wanderers
with only our candle to guide us
only our brains are real
of flesh and blood
made to suffer
legs for walking
made to fall
the straw in the drink
to suck up the virus
our ears deaf
deaf from the noise
of a defining beat
resonating in our chest
our hearts, we
can barely feel
barely care
barely love
anything we think we've lost
anything we think we have
but nothing, just the glow
of fire on a wick
flickers precipitously
dangerously, time constrained from the start
but we don't see
we don't look
we don't even bother to ask
nothing but programed bots in the code
made by hands that will us to slavery
made to live it, made to follow
we, world of sheep, nothing but flesh
burning cigarettes, tainted flame
candles of nicotine, we sell to the game

2001020102tid242




untitled




i walk these halls
rows amongst the dead
hungry eyes peer
expectantly
desirably
hopefully at me
i could give it all
but it would never be enough
i give it all
but it's fucking not enough
nt enough to save these people
from that killer within
will never help these people
in the darkest of their plights
all the ones i save
forgotten,
reflections in the eyes of the dead
but of all the ones i save
the further away i ever will be
from loving
from saving
myself

2001020103tid242




untitled




rythem of life
oxymoron
life is chaos
a boiling sea
breathes fire upon the beach
daring the terrestrials to enter its realm
its fire
its hate
no one steps in
sheep along the shore
the meek inside the whore
conform to a life of nothing
a world of nothing
reflect the ocean
in our eyes
but deep inside
we have no ocean
nothing, shallow, weak, stagnant
souls
lost...

2001020104tid242




untitled




all the fighting
fighting those tears
screaming, streaming, down my face
your face, our lives
melt away
fall to the floor
softly
like rain
lost in a storm
our lives
like butterflies
battered by the wind
softly at first
like a hurricane
carries us together
tears us apart
tears us down
amongst the masses
writhing in jealousy
swimming in that torrent
boilng hate that sea of bodies
all looking at you
all looking for me
i cannot apolagize
too much shame for what i've done
too much shame for what i am
too much regret
for this thing inside
that dictates this scream
this hate
this sorrow
that guides this hand across your face
harshly, hitting, heathen, whore
guides this life
and throws me away
i cannot apologize for being me
cannot regret that which
beyond my control
it's bigger than i
stronger than i
better than i
pure in all its simplicity
easy in loving grace
but i
animal of relentlessness
eternal servitude
am nothing
in your eyes.

2001020501tid242




untitled





the weak walk
softly
fleeting steps in the night

the strong talk
harshly
hating words, fight the fight

the rightous mock
derisively
pseudostars with pseudolight

the lost flock
desperately
for they've lost all their sight

and i
who won't fit in
those like me

can't break the lock
lovingly
in this grinding eternal plight



2001020502tid242




untitled




a world of names
where do you fit in?
faggot
chink
spik
nigger
nazi
whore
bitch
biggot
the fucking white devil
which one are you?
this world
this place
everyone has a name
multiple choice
pick your poison
sin?
try, cry, die
waste your life
to just fit
in

2001020503tid242




inside




the story of my life
flows
like the time that drains this life
pages turn
chapters forgotten
that no one bothered to read
no one bothers to care
i hate it here
i hate this place
i seem to always go
inside
you always seem to know
what to say
who to tell
to tear me up
inside
this world
my world
comes crashing down
but never that high
i know i belong here
for i can never die

2001020701tid242




untitled




skinny and fallen
blissfully broken
individuality
in a world of clones
sexuality
in a world of whores
christianity
in a world of followers
no one to turn
no one to fuck
nothing to love
nothing
nothing
censor my eyes
steal my lips
take it all away
so i finally
fit in, belong.

2001020702tid242




untitled




i can feel the sky falling
burning down this place
i can hear the babe bawling
it's hissing in her face
i can see the lips mauling
they the lesser race
i can taste the preacher calling
bitter memories
grow bitter taste
you know
but you don't
choose not to see
you go
but don't you think you'll never be
you want
and touch
that life you never knew
i flaunt so much
but i've fallen here with you

2001020703tid242




untitled




you put this hate
deep inside the emptiness of me
resentment for all the things,
you think that you can see.

you kiss my fear
eat it up, tell me not to hide
twist the knife
suck it down
everything inside.

you feed me jealousy
with all the things you say
the story grows
i'm the whore
and not the new today.

and so, the sun must set
burning down the earth
left to darkness, nothing's told
but you've shown my only worth.


2001020704tid242




untitled [small truth]




i am the light
the truth & the way
and i am the bastard
that made you this way.

2001020705tid242




untitled




i can feel it change
i can feel my anger rise
i could just tear it all away
i wish i could see
what it seems they do to me
i want to fuck it all away
something like a rage
something like a self-destruct
something's gonna' let it slip away

emptiness resolves
hatred consumes
fills it up like i was dead
this part of me alive
fire inside a world of cold
the only thing that feels
sensitized to you
the world
the pain
built it up on pain
built it up on hate
built it up on fear
and from those lips
come forth the words
only i can hear.

2001020706tid242




untitled [an affair of love]




tears of joy
bitter harvest
reap the rewards
of a dying place

going nowhere
circles the predator
keep them from knowing
this dying face

taste of nothing
suck it down
that which is me
this bitter taste

win this loss
and feel it kill
dry you up
you've been replaced.

2001020901tid242




untitled [maternal ying]




faggots fucking
in a line
blood line
pollute our future, fags burn
pollute our children, fags burn
pollute our world, fags burn
special rights
for fucking queers
hellspawn to
to walk free
front to back
front to front
lustful vengence
then they say
sweat behind
i like it this way

2001020902tid242




untitled [fraternal yang]




society
pushing, pulling
fucking me
like a guillotine, kill me
take my life, kill me
take my life, kill me
special rights
on my back
my forehead
marked, substandard
fist to face
in the dirt
lustful vengence
then they say
crucifixion
god ment it this way

2001020903tid242




oxymoron




oxymoron: free thinking christians.

2001020904tid242




untitled [contraband]




then the sky
crashes down
fire
chaos
fate
abound
all around
in my eyes
as love defies
and from this tongue
come sex & lies.

2001020905tid242




untitled




the falling
i'm falling
the weak
i'm weak
the strong
so fucking strong
but i can't hold on
can't sit still
energy of hate
you gave to me

2001020906tid242




untitled [leading to another]




give to me
things you see
beat me down
fuck me up
leftist
rightist
plightist
mightist
makes
rightist
slippery slide
when you're
better than me

2001020907tid242




untitled [mystic]




suede of leather
clothes the heathen
skins the naked
painted whore

softest feather
touches down
tickled flesh
that begs for more.

2001020908tid242




untitled [†]




it smells
of old
wet and
mold
smells of flesh demon's breath
feel it sliding in the dark
feel it
pulling
flatus
flatter
remark
stark
dark
get
wet
pet
fall
doll
call
me
see
be
nothing
i've fucking fallen down
and i am nothing

i'm on the cross?
no, i am the cross.

2001020909tid242




untitled




pen traces words
on the dead of trees
white with honey
stings of bees
no one reads
no one cares
in this room alone
are empty stares

2001020910tid242




untitled




sliding scale
and i
no different
from her
to me
given to me
taken from me
no different
always the same
this game, i play
sin today
her life is all i see
but these eyes know
it's inside of me

2001020911tid242




untitled




the stupid beg for products
they could never make
pay with money taken from me
stealing this life
with stupid words
don't try to stand up
they travel in herds.

2001020912tid242




untitled




i breathe
forced upon me
i live
forced upon me
i give
forced upon me
i lie
forced upon me
today
i pray
forced to do
with devil's claws
upon my back
nails, in my flesh
teeth, breathe upon my skin
i still pray
but it's not my sin.

2001020913tid242




untitled




the weakest worse
curse this place
the bed ridden
can't steal your taste

2001021201tid242




untitled




morons don't think
they live
they fuck
take up space
undeserving of existence
undeserving of bliss
fucking undeserving
free riders in an economy of thought
insiders in the cells of steel
pad the walls
fucking useless heads
contradict logic
they'll never possess
treat me like them
feed me like them
fuck me like them
fuck me like a whore
a hole, control
own me
my life
my world
but fucking morlocks
will never own
my hate
fuck them
fuck you
fuck...

2001021202tid242




untitled




waiting for the man to smile
that will never love you
looking for a femphile
monster fucks you too
begging for that sweet denial
absolved from all you do

2001021203tid242




untitled




laughter, hollow laughter
i know you've never felt
kill that hand that feeds
that crumpled hand it dealt
fucking faces all around
lifeless poker mask
the world is a game of cards
if their hands are crumpled too
i can never ask.

2001021204tid242




untitled [blow]




go
that place i hate
so far inside

know
you're better than me
i am nothing

sew
the seeds of hate
the seeds of me

flow
unrelenting river of time
meander of boredom

bestow
that crown of glory
halo of ash

forego
beauty locked within
so far away from me

and
and i am nothing
born of nothing

blow
blow this apart
my fucking world apart


2001021401tid242




untitled [after the show]




unlocking those things
i didn't know were caged
mocking all the me's
who have since died and changed
flocking to laughter
this joy of which is staged
tearing down the set
that used to be my life

2001021402tid242




untitled [hole]




fucking hole
in my head
thoughts of nothing
pollute the room

fucking hole
in my heart
empty systole
sucks you in

fucking hole
deep inside
life unflaunted
burns me cold

this fucking hole
in this life
fucking hole
makes me see

fucking hole
changes them
and makes them die
just like me


2001021403tid242




untitled




click, tick
tock, rock
flock, mock
dick, cock
put, pull
sit, still
breathe, in
breathe, out
shiver & sweat
quivering debt
repay
replay
work it off
suck it off
get it off
turn me off
with what you do
this dying cause
you thought you knew

2001021404tid242




untitled




vicious
arian
laying
eyes
naked
tainting
i
not
enlightened

2001021406tid242




untitled




suits aren't people
lightbulbs are
handshakes make the man
fucked pseudostar
take the moment
fucking job
steal the world
and let it fall
so high above it
from the sky
so high inside it
you fucking die
crashes down
back to earth
out of control
out of sight
out of mind
out of your fucking mind
i don't mind
not my brain
not my fall
not my god
look where you are
what it did for you
what it did to you
fucking die
without
pity, empathy, remorse
without love for
those like you
want to see you fall
want to see you die
no, fucking kills you.

2001021601tid242




untitled




failure in your blood
in your eyes
i see it inside

depression in your life
in your lies
i see it drown

regression in your mind
in your cries
falling life

lost
in your world
in this place
you fucking die

2001021602tid242




untitled




quote the man
you never fucking new
say those prayers
that break your heart
put your faith
in a loosing race
and lose the thing
that makes your face

2001021603tid242




untitled




credit or blame
you put on him
selective judgement
no fucking thought
follow the shit
that you're told
stand in the line
that never moves
say those words
you think we hear
think the thoughts
you think we can't
i know you're weak
afraid, stupid
i know you're nothing
and never live
i know you believe
because you're falling
but's the thing
that pushed you off
that makes you cry
that pulls you down
it's the thing that fucked your life
the thing, the thing
if only it had a name

2001021604tid242




untitled




almost there
don't stop now
you're almost here
don't stop now
i can almost feel you
loving me
i could almost laugh
if you were here
i could almost cry
tears for you
but you're not here
wasted tears
and never will be
there's nothing left to cry

2001021605tid242




bitch




you thought about it once
thought in your mind
you wanted to
but pushed it all away
you almost did
but said you didn't
did in your mind
in your heart
still fucked
what's the difference?
bitch

2001021606tid242




untitled
[attrition of ever having cared]




life brought to its fucking knees
you break my heart with your disease



2001022001tid242




untitled




this place, people
abound all around
their shrieks & hollers
echo, ringing
from the stone
of this prison
of this institution
i know only too well
caged like animals
creatures, beasts
bound by the shackles
of society
of expectation
of conformity
bound by the words
of a million voices lost
passed on through time
meaning lost, misconstrued
misused, abused
world like a prison
life like a cell
with my heart inside
those bars of ribs
giving in, caving in
breaking in
to the whims of stone
set in flesh
pushed into me
by those who don't
no, know, this
know nothing
the ignorant above
who decide my fate
over brunch and tea
fucking clueless
worthless shits
caged heart waits
fucking waits
hopeless, joyless
heart, heartless
waits, sits, wanders
dreams
forever
i wait forever.

2001022002tid242




untitled




try to fix
the fuckign problem
try to kill all the ones
who are not you
put your finger
on my forehead
pull the trigger
under guise of law
fuck your laws
not my system
not my laws
not my god
you can never
hold me down
you can never
tear me down
fucking maggots
bureaucrats
fucking judgers
diving might
holds fallen wings
altruistic hedonism
fucking arrogance
pompus, condescending
better than me?
i think not
the man owns you
standing on your back
the man fucks you
tears you up
the man fucking owns you
and you like it.

2001022003tid242




untitled




you think you can help?
think you are above?
think you can take me
make me, break me
think you're something
you're nothing
paid by the man
victum of the system
bloody panties
inside your sheets
by the side of the road
hollow, loose, broken
whore, slave to your master
that made you this way
wet boy, monsters kill monsters
you think you're sane?
think, think
you don't think
you never did
never free
never be
never, nothing
hole with a face
fuck hole
fucked face
unreal, dehumanized
desensitized
fuck the man
fuck the system
fuck the whores
fuck the victum
fuck your laws
you're fucking flawed
and fuck the man
you think is god.

2001022302tid242




untitled [ashes after fire]




breathe fire
from these lips
heat upon my flesh
kiss upon my thought
your kiss
your fire
all the "used to be's"
all the "might have beens"
all the nothings
i seem to be
it's all i have
it's all i am
all i can ever be
this emptiness
the only thing i've known
that which defines this life
my life
stark
all alone
without you
without
washed away
and all alone
you've left me here
with only me.

2001022601tid242




untitled




the hole, the thing
anger, hate, fear
fight, flight
right of might
it makes these things
it burns them down
kills them all away
dead in my mind
traced in my flesh
razor's red
drips upon the bed
bleeding tears
from this head
i'd love to cry
this life is dead
i can never die
from what you've said
you can't fucking kill me

2001022602tid242




untitled [PrPsc]




people talk
worthless chatter
say so much
but doesn't matter
fuck'em & all their lies
these tainted words
that i despise
homologous, like fucking sheep
the lord is scrapie, waste & reap.

2001022603tid242




untitled




you've spent your life
used up
for nothing

you've spent your love
taken from you
for nothing

you smile my way
wasted white
for nothing

you look inside
wasted sight
there's nothing.


2001022604tid242




untitled




heir of might
frozen sight
air of fright
tense & tight

scared to look
to read the book
the thing that teaches
tells you
sells you
fucks you
up
down
all around
pulls your life away
purse your lips
you're dead today.

2001022605tid242




untitled




another line
another thought
but doesn't change
like the line before
poem before
day before
never helps
never saves
write this race
toward vicissitude
i know is there
outrun my fate
with etchings of this ink
transcribe
me
the only thing i know
the only thing they don't
scribble lines of black
but it's already too late
i'm already dead.

2001022606tid242




untitled




fucking fallen people
abound
all around
everywehre i look
try to conform
love to conform
strive for the norm
picture perfect
what they see
the dead life
deep inside the
closet me
i am that thought
that drives them away
i am that feeling
that pulls them into dispair
i am that voice
that tells them to fuck
i am the thing
and they throw it all away
they call me conscience
in a world of hate
they call me sight
in a universe of black
pitch black
curved pitch
U-turn
to the dark
away,
i'm so far away
from that thing
that they call
the light...

2001022801tid242




untitled




presumptous eyes
gaze my way
they don't see
they don't fucking know me
but yet they judge
yet they hate
breathe adrenolin
saddists
angst drives hate in all its purity
and their love drives xesex in all its pain
vanity, insanity, calamnity
for themselves
all for themselves
they want
not for me
they fuck
not for me
they love
love of self
i am but a toy
used so abused
abused to be used
lost in the feeding of a million hungry mouths
beasts gnash, slash
lightning flash
can't see
can't know
too fast
it spins around
and this fucking world
comes crashing down.

2001022802tid242




untitled




work
try in vain

smile
you're so vain

love
needle in vein

sex
place your blame


2001022803tid242




untitled




blame me
use me
spot me
pick me out of that fucking crowd
of those you've had before
those you've used before
those you've fucked before
take your pick
take your fucking pick
lick dick prick sick
it's you
it's all you
and nothing else
this isn't love
and you always knew.

2001022804tid242




untitled [reward]




those that come
those that go

some say some
will never know

i am one
that never knew

that setting sun
that never flew

torn wings
and used up scars

heaven's king
fucks his stars


2001022805tid242




untitled




gleam that smile
as i wear this frown
forced upon me
placed upon this face
symbolizing this life
move on and i'm fucking still here
in misery
in lonliness
in pain
seeing all that you do
all that you fuck
all that i can never be
you laugh
and alas i know what it means to hate
to seethe in anger
resentment, lonliness, fire
to wish your destruction
corruption
your demise
alas a number
like a thousand fucked before
crying in that pit of dispair
you're a taker
a needer
begging the world around you
clenched fists kegal's might
you take everything
i ever was
and make it everything
i live to resent.

2001030201tid242




untitled




i feel like nothing
as i sit and stare
off into infinity
almost wishing it could pull me away
away from this place
the faces, the people
this life
whish it could draw me
into that infinate blackness
that i know is me
deep inside
where i know i belong
whey, but why?
these things i can never know.

2001030202tid242




untitled [try]




try to fill it up
plug that hole
outlet of my grief
all the
might have
could have
should have
dones beens
who i should have been

needle in the vein
pedal to the floor
snake inside the flesh
kill it all away
drive it all away
fuck it all away

i hold so many inside my bed
tell them i love
wish i could love them
so many have i laid to rest
that foulness inside

this sickness inside of me
another night
another needle
another bottle
another dollar
another fuck
another wasted eve

i cannot stop this thing
i cannot fucking stop this thing
i fucking cannot stop this thing
i cannot stop this fucking thing
this fucking thing
that is or isn't there
fucking thing that guides these hands
upon the body of another
pushing the plunger toward my flesh
cork clenched between white knuckles

i try
oh i fucking try
and i want to love them
but they aren't you
you've left for dead
and nothing's going to change
nothing's going to fix
nothing's ever going to heal
you don't love me anymore
and nothing will ever make you see

and i run the race to make you see
but the finish line is
so many more
needles bottles bodies
than i could ever handle
the finish lline is
so far
away
from
this
sickness

me


2001030401tid242




untitled




like a spring gushing purity
i bring forth sadness
the lovers drink from me
and it consumes
it devours
fills them up inside
and erases their thirst
their hunger
their smiles
their love
they leave the well
that brings forth sadness
and tears flow freely
overflow my banks

with no one to help me
put them back inside


2001030501tid242




flesh between the gears




the machine
trapped inside
we
all just gears
ane levers
pulleys & springs
kinematics o' dynamics
act react
governed by our
places
our jobs
our stressors
put onto us
by all the parts
of this infernal
maniacal
systamatic
assimilation
amalgamation
consecration
through
desecration
break us apart
wear us down
to the ground
the dirt
the ashes
of a million other people
fallen from the gears
fallen from grace
dead to this world
and lost to the cause
slain by this disease
society, society
this disease.


2001030502tid242




untitled




cut me down
where i stand
reflection of you
it's all you see
try to make it go away
try to make it disappear
put me 6 feet under
and make me just like...


2001030503tid242




untitled




complain, decry your life
deny your ignorance
propagate apathy
"it doesn't matter anymore"
"i fucking don't care anymore"
take it away
make it stay
this feeling
resentment
all that you have
the only thing that's real
and in your life of falsehood
the only thing you feel


2001030504tid242




untitled




inside i dwell
within my head
bloody wrists
inside my bed
lay idle
let it
pass me by
live in thought
the only place
free from tyranny
the only place
i ever want to be
all the rest
can fall away
slip away
burn away
and there will still be me
cut, bruised, but free
in the prison of
my bed
the prison of
my head.


2001030505tid242




untitled [blossom]




looking at the world

the light shines down

smile upon my face

hides the frown

look you in the eye

flower of love blossoms

but then i remember

who you are, who i am

thoughts of the past pervade

flower starts to wilt

reason overcomes, we look away,
turn away, walk away

the rose dies in this decay
lingering reminder
of what has passed
what has died
pedals of dust
god meant it this way


2001030506tid242




snowflake stars




darkness dominates
becomes the light
at night
the joys of life
like the stars
so bright
but so far away
and your eyes
your voice
your mannerisms
so like the heavens
all around me
can see, but never touch
admire, but never love
i wish it could take me away
sweep me off my feet
snowflakes down my back
trod lightly, like pretty words
at the thought
of trying to describe
this feeling
happiness but hopelessness
past present future
so felt as one
and yet like so many things
which cannot be put into words
so many things beyond my reach
just one more thing
that can never be.



2001030507tid242




untitled




we were both as one
breaking down in pieces
falling down, fragments
tears, the world
crumbling
tumbling
coming undone
the center doesn't hold
core crumple cold
shambles, bewilderment
what i feel
all i see
empty breath
empty eyes
empty head
without you
it all falls down
i love you
and it all falls to pieces
i feel
wish i were stone
i cry
and wish you were here


2001030601tid242




untitled




make and break
take, foresake
leave me high
leave me dry
go away
hate today
this bitter smile
is here to stay


2001030602tid242




untitled




broken people
stand in line

fallen fears
with nothing to lose

but so many people
must mean something

society loves
the insecure heart...



2001030603tid242




untitled




your dollar buys happiness
they'd have you say

spend your future
to buy today

deficit spending
giving our love

then save the past
in hateful shove



2001030604tid242




untitled




land of promise
opportunity
land of lies
fallen angels
priests prey
virus in the sheep
beurocrats buy
your love
with
your money
your hope
your gullibility
sells the future
you never had
and love
like so much else
but a dream
a hope
a wish
a lie
another tool
to make you buy
vote conform
tool
shackles
rack to make you big
& hard & strong
& kill & those
who don't belong


2001030605tid242




untitled




barriers to entry
conceptive contraceptive
heiristocracy
aristocracy
of wealth
nightmare of greed
feed need plead seed
of hate of hope of hate
so confused as one
jealousy of contentment
content of jealousy
robbing victums
of the bleeding poor
slaughtering masters
bent on more
fields of ignorance
where people grow
the abusers who reep
are those who sew.


2001030606tid242




untitled




bandage the cuts
kiss the bruises
beneath the fabric
clothes society
out of sight out of mind
out of wedlock out of luck
out of time
out of life
hide
pretend
defy and deny
what he does
does to you
what this society
says to you
wrong or right
how could you know
when everything you learn
is from janis lips
on that janis face
of a janis mask

fields of sunflowers
stare smiles blindly
even as their heads
nod
in
shame
heavy with the burden's
bread for society
with your jeans
bred for the
mask to watch
want covet & flaunt


2001030607tid242




untitled




hate pervades
lonliness fades
driven away
fire burns down need
like tinder
waiting wanting needing
to be consumed
to fuel something
how easy it is to hate
to be myself
spread that fire
like light in the grass
serpentine & lovely
consuming mesmerizing
deadly
it burns you up
the onlookers
consumers
the readers
of type upon the page
fit inside the rage
of a million acres
waiting to be charred
a million lovers
waiting to cry
a million martyrs
waiting to die
god, am i
no, just another victum
made into
the master


2001030608tid242




untitled




beautiful eyes
have nothing to hide
nothing inside

invitation smile
has nothing to hide
wants you inside

soft spoken
plays on your mind
can't leave it behind

soft flesh
eases your mind
the weeping other

left behind.


2001030609tid242




untitled




last words
are all i know
and back to love
i cannot go.


2001030610tid242




untitled




coursing through my blood
are words of hate
which i hold steady
only
when i'm with you

2001030611tid242




untitled




i feel boring
blank blissless
like nothing's happening
like nothing ever happens
reading a book
book of my life
i thumb through the chapters
fingers upon my spine
already written
i only read
i cannot change the words
written upon the page
the numbers
temporal
timeline
lifeline
hangs me out to dry
bleached white
like those pages
black marks
are all i am
just shut the book
i'm sick of reading
nothing unread before
just like time
my life
drifts by
speed reader
miss the point
rush to finish
and never take the time
to think


2001030701tid242




untitled




aimlessly wander
looking for something
but what?
that's why you're wandering
that's why you're looking
and that is why
all you find
will be nothing

2001030702tid242




untitled




hidden clauses
between the lines
between the rows
of people standing
echoes resounding
of praise
to the nothing
they feel
inside themselves
the nothing they can see
inside of me.

2001030703tid242




untitled




walk slowly
think i'll notice
you
trolling for a glance
but my stare is hollow
empty cold
& i would rather fuck
than give you a chance
& i would rather die
than give you....

2001030704tid242




untitled




so many feelings
spring forth
from this pathetic head
full of so many empty thoughts

so many feelings
spring forth
from my apathetic bed
guiltless with so many broken promises


2001030705tid242




untitled




the booth sells love
if you've got the cash
the courage
the cowardess
sells you life
in the dead of solitude
sells you opportunity
in a life of none
but alas you give to the animal
that makes you this way
it eats from your hand
and kills if you stray.

2001030706tid242




untitled




tell me your life
i don't care
don't want to hear
i want nothing from you
your questions
your smiles
your insecurities
your love
i want nothing
i am nothing
i see nothing
so leave me
the fuck
alone

2001030707tid242




untitled




people sit
stand bland
like weeds
in a garden
waiting
to be
weeded
like genes
in a
pool
waiting
to
die

2001030708tid242




untitled




questions poised
waiting to spring
from pursed lips
that will never
open.

2001030709tid242




untitled




rythem, i have none
no sense of life
no heartbeat
of heartache
of all the things
that make us love
i must be
dead
i must be
dead.

2001030710tid242




untitled




pull out the pen
poised to kill
but my mind
empty
like my life
empty
and the pen
touches nothing
like my life
nothing

2001030901tid242




untitled




so conditioned the response
the deviant clones
erect in circles
around the smile


2001031101tid242




untitled [come down]




fallen thoughts
come down
i
trampled in dust
rust crust
dried & sharp
cuts little
holes whores
tears it up
down
around
peri
merry
cherry
blossssoms
smells pretty
though
albeit
wreaks
of waste
of taste
of sorrow
bloom for
nothing
love
cry die
for nothing
something
pedal medal mettle
falls
to the ground
falls
like thoughts
escaped dry lips
betraying
my
come down


2001032301tid242




untitled




pretty words
weave magic
like those silky legs
wrapped amongst this wretchedness
of me

the gaze that knows
loves to stare
pick the poisons
that kill so deep inside
of me

holds my life
with kind words
never heard before
though felt icy cold knives in spite
of me


2001032302tid242




untitled




hurt not born
but made for you
not you
but forged
of lies & hate
sews seeds
mate date fate
whisper sadness
fucking in my ear
fucking
fucking hurt
hurt is made
not born.


2001032303tid242




untitled




we sit
and watch
and wait
grow old
grow young
growing nowhere
our lives
mean nothing
not even
to those
to which
they belong
not even
to me.


2001032304tid242




untitled [little words]




eyes sky
look down
frown
see me
glee
free
not
squelch
hold
feeble insect
repent
descent
dissidence
in the
ranks
flanks
of the
naked
fated
snake
i see
as beauty
whore that
tells me
sells me
takes me
away
can't get
away
stay
wish it all away
stay
please fucking stay
stay here stay
away
fucking stay away.


2001032305tid242




untitled





so long i've battled

this monster inside

relentless hate hurt sorrow

defines me makes me

everything is easy

in the face of the thing

fights mean nothing

but i always fight the next

and the next

and the next

i was made to fight

made to suffer

creationism

look what i've created

that which defines

what i am

means nothing



so long i've battled
the good fight
this monster inside
crusade
relentless hate hurt sorrow
depression
defines me makes me
repression
everything is easy
sleazy
in the face of the thing
my face
fights mean nothing
always won
but i always fight the next
days come
and the next
nights come
and the next
relentless
i was made to fight
made in blight
made to suffer
made
creationism
there is no god
look what i've created
but he hates me anyway
that which defines
who i am
what i am
where i am
means nothing
those who care.


the good fight

crusade

depression

repression

sleazy

my face

always won

days come

nights come

relentless

made in blight

made

there is no god

but he hates me anyway

who i am

where i am

those who care.



2001032306tid242




untitled




distant
disresponsive
far away
so far away
if only i could reach
across
the gap no bridge
infernal stretch of time
so long ago
so far away
i cannot possibly reach
anything that ever mattered
for i've done nothing
felt nothing
become nothing
so fucking long ago


2001032307tid242




untitled




shallowness is happiness
blissful pride
not for me
i'm so deep
i'm lost
in the
dark depths
of
myself

2001032308tid242




untitled




if this paper were black
it would tell more
than these feeble
marks upon the page.

2001032309tid242




untitled




consume
consumables
fire
consumes me
desirables
so many they flaunt
by simply existing
for those hungry eyes
this hungry heart
aching to see
just one more body
in a world void of people

2001032310tid242




untitled




tan-lines
surround
like a mahogany whore

frame
a picture
of what should not be seen

my pupils
frame sadness
for you deep inside my chest

and tears
frame these thoughts
as they fall upon your breast.


2001032311tid242




untitled




fill me up
fill me up
nothing's gonna fill me up
bloated heavy
sinking
falling
which way to the light?
i only see the dark
below above
inside
all i can see
these eyes
reaching out in the darkness
and finding you
but really nothing
really just the dark

2001032312tid242




untitled




chairs left rust
outside in winter
cold like you

heart rots hurt
inside beats life
broken like me

birds flock feather
together in thought
flew away
for the season.


2001032401tid242




untitled




plans fall through
hate seethes through
you say we're through
that i threw
it away
threw it all away
maybe i did
but then it was
for you


2001032402tid242




untitled




look at me fucker
you don't know me
you don't fucking know me
i breathe more hate
than you can muster
more fire
than the pathetic hell you believe
believe i'm going
believe exists
no, i would fucking burn it down.


2001032403tid242




untitled




i close my eyes
and the world flies by
minutes, hours, days
between blinks
how can it move so fast?
how can they talk so quickly?
how can so many
love then hate
cum & run away
between lapses
in my stare
lapses in my thought
lapses in reality
spiral, see it, don't
comes back again
but farther away
above me, below me
i don't know
can't tell
anyone
can hear me
mumble
no one
wants to
know
this and
that
old hat
coat rack
hang it up
string me up
out to dry
noose to kill

2001032404tid242




untitled




sugar water
beats to a crawl
drops dry
leave white
cocaine on
my lips
should be pretty
should be happy
taste good sweat
bitter felt
thought remembered
falling towards
that place
called me
and my white
sugar powdered
cocaine

2001032405tid242




untitled




school
teaches us
to conform

then
beats us
down like nothing.


2001032406tid242




untitled




eyes wonder wander
questions
can't understand
world around

little they know
their ignorance controls
me world
should answer
their own questions


2001032407tid242




untitled




another day
another dollar
another hour
falls from my life
one more in the bottom
hourglass watching
can't beat the flow
gravity pulls us down
holds confounds profound
sound screaming tearing
crying sucking fucking
dragging flagging
for dead
marking us for death
limiting these lives
we're so pathetic.


2001032408tid242




untitled




family
obligation
shackles of shame
fortitude
attitude gratitude
flattery support
emotional dogma
for only those
in shame
blame

2001032409tid242




untitled




nectar
hectar
flying from fargo
anywhere is better
than this place
which has become
like me
grey and
hopefully soon
so far
away

O'hare
can't bear
the sight
of new flesh
and skin & blood
and love not
there
any longer
i wish
i never had to
go back.


2001032410tid242
2001032411tid242




untitled




man-made
misery
metal
machine
cold
dead

man-made
synergy
settle
not seen
just hold
my hand


2001032412tid242




untitled




if we could love
for always
i would have
only one hand.


2001032413tid242




untitled




flowers blossom
color important
smell essential
boquet of many
different kinds
flowers die
color fades
smell rancid
boquet of brown
fall together
love blossoms
color important
religion essential
bed head of many
different objectifiables
love dies
color becomes
religion the issue
bed of resentment
a million hated words
in life different but in death the same
stand tall fall together we die
and it is together we cry.


2001032414tid242
2001032415tid242
2001032416tid242
2001032417tid242





untitled




i'm falling failing & let them down
mass worms crawl flesh content to drown


2001032501tid242




untitled




tick tock
numbers click
grind by
like money rollers

in out
people fuck
pass away
like mindless creatures

blink stare
frozen look
passes by
time like life
and
life like time


2001032502tid242




the fucking point




thirsty hungry
i can devour
scour
looking
through
finding fire
desire
not enough
have the
impossible
want that
which i
don't
to reject
society
reject
reality
reject
you
because i
shouldn't assert
freedom
assert
autonomy
assert
power
even if
it is
against
you
against
me
against
them
against
good judgement
and better taste
you don't get it
don't understand
and that's
the
fucking
point.


2001032503tid242




untitled




heathen screaming
saddistic shapeless
force i see

loving flaunting
tender idol/idle
sickness me


2001032504tid242




untitled [themism]




jumbo dumbo
TV commercial
-ism-
so many "ism's"
all bad
all made to hurt
somehow someway
break down
and make us
them
themism


2001032505tid242




untitled [get it wrong]




if only we could love
everything we've made to hate
the world without
hardly a better place.


2001032506tid242




untitled




shrieks echoes
of things said before
we trace circular tracks
minds racing
say we're better
but going nowhere
with those we love
those we hate
those we run away from
and fall behind
because life is falling
love is falling
fate is calling
and we crash
and burn
together.


2001040601tid242




untitled




drains & drowns
these hopes & frowns
downs the ether
servitude
of solitude
keeping it away
locked deep
inside
hide
away from me
my life
smells
volatile
kept it in amber glass
"protect from light."


2001040602tid242




untitled




prison walls hold me in
web o' hypocrisy begets my sin.


2001040603tid242




untitled




this place
made to look warm
inside
is cold
all the people therein
have died
are dead


2001040901tid242




untitled [temple]




hoards of people
portray prostration
submission, to a system
felled their forefathers
a system
mandates servitude
of men fucking virgins
turning them into whores
dogs eat mutton
sworn to protect
people lying, cheating
on those they claim as friend
demanding virgin sacrifice
i feast upon red meat
making my new friends
of HSV free temples
walls adorned with bare
smooth silken purity
interior decorator
fucking gay maybe
adorned walls with
battle scars
used up puss
unlike love
unlike misguided society
your fucking dogs feed
with no values
i devour without
empathy
sympathy
harmony
i break it
tear it, stomp it, mash it
taint it, hurt it, fuck it
fucking tear it all down
nothing rebuilt upon blackened
yellow lye ashes of decayed flesh
decayed love
decayed pleasures
fruit once sweet
rancid rotten
flacid broken
unused once abused
apparently
apparent
so fucking apparent
unlike all else
i am fucking forever


2001040902tid242




untitled




if only they could read my mind
they would run forever away
flight, plight fighting might
hate has made me strong
& big & hard & fast & strong
so fucking long
in more ways than 3
fuck you
up
down
to town
like a fountain
drinking
press the button
turn it on
not a person
thing, living in a hole
fuck it
hole
fuck it
it's all i do i say i play
today may stay
forever
keep the feeling of the now
virtue what i do
when you're not the one
inside the sex
i won't be here with you


2001040903tid242




untitled




getting out of here
must get out of...
how do i get
away, must get away
blonds i see
want to stay
black & white
they're not me
but they leave
get away
don't stay
escape my flesh
they, but i, wish i could


2001040904tid242




untitled




older different
with age comes wisdom
but so does isolation
isolation begets wisdom?
wisdom begets isolation?
i'm not wise new
but am
so many ways
and alone
so alone
but what came first?
what came second sloppy?
what came?
nothing ever comes
came come cums
it was all so long
so long...
ago
so long
so fucking hard.


2001040905tid242




untitled [push]




eyes pull
draw me near
look away
& disappear

hands hold
tight & close
turn to fists
anger bears though
hardly down

legs spread
me inside
flexes sanctuary
out i spill

so much deceit
looks no taste
of bitter lies
just haunted haste.


2001040906tid242




untitled [echo]




hippie-hair
anything goes
inside of you
everything goes
off in you
explodes
echoes in arrhythmia
in my chest
but not in yours
you don't even feel
it anymore.


2001040907tid242




untitled




i don't know anything about you
except that you'd fuck me
maybe, if i tried
all i need to know
maybe, just need to try.


2001040908tid242




ladybug




ladybug ladybug
gonna' catch that ladybug
in my silken net
hymen hole smooth
catch that insect
i don't even have to try.


2001040909tid242




untitled




i think she's looking
at me
not by attraction
perhaps she wants to hurt
like the others
maybe just wants to die

one o'clock
and all not well
causing lytic abrasive
persuasive
drawn to abuse
i am nothing
but her.


2001040911tid242



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