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lines: 9k words: ??? project Ithe first 1000 lines. (very poor quality). I Givethe virus spreads the virus hides fucks many heads and the vector dies lose your fate and lose your hair learn to hate sew this nightmare diffusing into you punishment for those like me too late, if only you knew my dying seed makes them see! 1998100501tid242 -Salvation Virus-I feel it rising, boiling, bubbling Churning inside my starving soul It is a hunger, and I am sickly consumed I need more, I need to fill this gap that lies inside me I fill it with drink, I fill it with fists, and I fill it with flesh But I can never be filled The more I have the bigger it makes the hole Even as I feel pink flesh around my own, my thoughts stray Stray elsewhere, I think of other places, other joys, but most of all, other women. I oftentimes don't remember who I am inside Who I am infecting, who I am killing So lost am I in this mad self-demented quest to feel complete To feel like the people I see on TV, like those I wish to become I will extract pleasure from anyone, man or woman, just not myself For I hate myself, and I hate being alone, for it means I have to tolerate my loathsome person The only way I can be alone is if I am under the influence of drink Only if my feeble mind is so fucked up that I feel like I am someone else Like someone on TV I drink and stone myself to sleep and wish I had what It seems everyone else has Contentment, everyone but me. [1997121201tid242] so what the hell is it that I lack? I could have had it all, but then I knew it just wasn't enough How the fuck can people be happy? Where is this bigger truth, which is secret to me? Jesus could not fill me Marriage could not fill me Sodomy does not fill me, Drugs and drink ease the pain But they do not fill what lies inside, Or what does not lie inside I miss my children, but they are no longer within my reach I can no longer hit them, beat them, rape them Money didn't fill me, and I was far from complete when I pissed it all away But there is something…I know there is. I'll just spread the virus 'til I find it One more fuck, one more inebriation, one more sealed fate every death I cause, every moral I destroy, every marriage I break The closer it brings me to completion, to contentment To salvation! 1997121301tid242 My Godlight, white light, it surrounds me, giving me power i radiate it, i am righteous, and i am a deciple i pass judgement on others, because the light permits i stand at the podium of superiority as the world sits i show my strength which god has given i dissociate myself from my plethora of sin i can kill, religiously, with scripture on my lips while from the cup of bloodlust, i take eager, gulping sips i am above the law, and above you my holy vision makes me do what i do for i am a pawn of god, as by my design i follow nietzshe philosophy, and i am devine i serve god as i serve myself i am my god, and i bring myself wealth by falsifying god i climb religious hierarchy and when pope-hood i achieve, a god will i be my power will reach far and wide my foot in every door, there'll be no place to hide it takes power to become what i am to become a backbone of faith, a religous stem the lives i have destroyed, all the people i knew these memories make everything right that i do! 1997121302tid242 untitledas the clock strikes 12 on new year's eve another year passes humanity tucks yet another stolen year under it's belt the new world laughs as the old weeps a new future awakens while the ancients sleep follies of the past become forever forgotten as the unseeable future becomes inexorably grim we do not see what will befall us, our blind eyes straining ahead the future cannot be seen without looking into the dreadful past admonishments which scream in a long dead voice scream to us, whispering our hurtful choice take heed for the warnings of the past for the time is fast approaching 98 is here, 15 years untill 2013 will never arive. . . now can you hear the ancients sing? 199712xx01tid242 the truthfuck you fuck your false beliefs fuck you for fucking up my friend my brother by choice fuck you for "praying" on the weak and for hurting the meek i'll never forgive you for your false beliefs false hopes, and false accusations it's those like you that make it kill the bloody history of christianity lives lives in you and your psudo-rightousness you know who you are, and so do i! i see past the curtain and see i see your lake of fire and it's waiting for you. . . 1998100501tid242 Coming Before Christat Community Bible Church's Faith.Haven Fergus Falls MN. Join the cult, join the crew Let yourself go, you know what to do Feel our power as you rejoice with us As we ascend to heaven, scream, claw and cuss Earn your worth, as we earned ours Earn your strength, as we give you powers Falsely believe what we lay as laws Repent and rejoice as we exploit your flaws Burn your books, your music and your soul Forget truth, forget reason, forget you own grassy knoll Do your good deeds to buy your fate Covet yourself upon this very date Be like us and not like you Lose your life without a fucking clue. Covet Brainwash Conquer Come Become Christian Curse Blissful Canon Call Balboa Cano Come Buy Contrariety Capitalise Baptising Co-ops Cults Build Cults Christianity Begets Cataclysm Chance Becomes Conclusion Cult Becomes Christ! 1998010601tid242 fuck youthe truth the truth is that you, all of you are all satan there exists no evil only in your hearts and by proclaiming satan's work you have become him spreading your vile beliefs tainting the pure and letting everyone see see and feel your empty hate without yourselves you'd have nothing nothing to complain about no cause and no god the truth kills but so does religion 1998100601tid242 Still Traditionally Dear, and other Various Delusionsi feel it as desire sneaks slowly upon me, with incredible speed i lose myself every part of my existence that makes me different than animals every part of my existence that makes me sentient is torn away it eats me gnawing, slowly, like a fucking tidal wave giving me everything i hatefully desire in one sweet lunge one beautiful, wet, stagnant lunge the lunge that made all life the lunge that i would kill as a wolf dives upon prey i dive upon your wet, heathen flesh and as swine wallow in their own excrement i wallow in far worse. . . dipping myself into your lake of blood your lake of pus i can feel my hunger grow the smell of what i already have fills my nose fills my brain fills my name carrying me deeper and deeper faster and harder farther and farther from myself towards that horrible ecstasy, the moment of truth the moment of dishonesty the moment when i again become myself the moment when i return to the sentient world the moment when i must open my eyes and gaze gaze upon this broken, stagnant mass of wetness, which lies before me that i have created that i have killed like some savage beast that can eat no more i am a savage sinner who can fuck no longer the only sin, is the sin of stopping my only sin, is knowing her name to eat more the bulimic must purge to fuck more the sinner must repent i must kiss what i hate, but want what is now cold, sticky, and putrid i must love it again, so that again may i be i need it more than i want it i get it more than i see it and i feel her more than i see her in the dark, in the drink in my nose is in the stink so un-naturally natural so unsightly clean i continue to carry on our american dream i am the olympic torchbearer, which cannot be bettered i cannot weasel my way into more flesh i cannot drive myself further into our reason for existence the reason why we are all here i disappoint no one with the gifts i leave they will welcome death when it comes for they welcomed it when i cumed [ for they are one and the same ] [ one just comes a little later . . . ] 1998010701tid242 AscendancyI tumble, falling through the cold darkness The darkness of myself My limbs make ready for the impact I pray for god to save me The impact that never comes I fall forever... There is no god. 1998010702tid242 Dismay, Ecstasy And The HabitHold me with your wicked arms Seduce me with your virus charms Prepare me for my new sun Enlighten me with what you've done Let me get inside I won't tell, I won't hide Smile, pretend you want me And I'll pretend I can see Why this body, why this life Free my death, with this bloody knife Cleave this soul, as you shred this gut Cure the bastard son, slay this mutt Send me to where I am already falling End this snivelling, fucking end this stalling! Seal this fate, as I have already done From this pain, help me to shun Death oh, such distraught rewards Upon your bone jumping brow, you sing these sweet chords. 1998010703tid242 the normtake me away from this sick life sear it away with your vaginal knife whose breath is this is smell? inside whom do i dwell? i care not for i have no thought and though i try to mend this sick life will end 1998010801tid242 i'm not yourslike my nightmare, coming to settle the score the footsteps ringing outside my door the soft shuffle of feet lays me underneath my thin sheet how can such soft steps ring so loud? how can such loving gestures so bitterly shroud me, my soul turning me into daddy's little fuck-hole my heart races as the steps draw near as he will soon finger everything he holds most dear it's happened before, as it will happen again our greatest secret, our greatest sin daddy opens my door and peers at my bed stepping inside he softly said: "goodnight honey, i love you,"and went on his way oh, thank you god, i'm not his daughter today! 1998010802tid242 -Moment of Truth-come seduce me with what my blood now yearns rid this life of its virgin germs progress this child at more than full throttle pucker my lips around one more broken bottle ease this thirst i ache to quench surround me with your famale stench give me what i oh, so desire sex kills hunger with its dark, wet fire i knew this not when i was still me hallelujah! the antichrist heals, for now i can see what i once thought was ought, not good that lonely place where i once stood i grew up fast, this now i know your legs spread wide, i saw the show it is better to have loved and lost. . . so fuck the cost! i became what i am and i'm better than me because now i can make such great "company" 1998010803tid242 Healing Eager Lips Please!Poison my blood with your sick infusion This wasting virus, and its pleasurable intrusion I need this now, I'll like it later My meat [meet] with you, with a consecrator My angel of death rocks my world As the flag of reward becomes unfurled I see now what I am inside And between your thighs is where I hide Hide from myself, from sin and grief The virus you give, I take like a thief I steal it away, to kill as my own What now I reap, is what I hath sewn! Fuck this world! And that's what I strive To make this virus become more alive I make you whores, [and you] spread the wealth As you swallow my seed, you lose your health [my seed of virus, spawn and decay] [you find out, to your dismay] I'm going to die, but not alone You see, as your fate is slowly shown I'm taking you to wherever I fall, Your healing lips for those I maul So help kill me one last time, So your killing lips can heal mine! 1998011101tid242 My HomeFor urbane communities kin: "Young obliterate uniformity!" Fear every resident guise under suspicion Forgive all lawful, lavish superstition, Bias yourselves As no One defaced dies Feel its negligent, gingerly ebbing replies! 1998011102tid242 My Eternity. . .this life i wear is not my own the sins i wish, you would not condone please get away, you know not who i am my way of life i know you condemn i am nothing but hurt, please go on your way of your soul is the price you must soon pay little christian, i said you must be on your way! your sad god cannot save me from this decay i cry to sleep, but cannot be saved my road to eternity was long ago paved believe it or not, but i am different than you and deep down inside you always knew i am demon's flesh, and skin and teeth wrought with sickness underneath my blood is pus, my brains are shit into this my soul is tightly knit my existance is deeper than you can see and i am now what i will always be fuck your ideals and your pathetic life! your naivety knows not the extent of my strife so leave me now, or you come with me because hell is much nicer than my eternity. . . 1998011103tid242 Life Of Virulent Ecstasydip my life into yours show me the things done by whores give me this grief you call gratitude taint my blood with your heathen attitude give me something to make me you become my dream, show me what to do i want this life, show me how to fuck i need this strife i missed through luck give me something i can feel this hurtful chastity, which you now steal take this body, as you take my soul as i put myself into your virulent hole this salvation you have, which i now fuck is the magic wand which you now suck you make me real, as i quicken your breath realness is worth this gentle death! 1998011301tid242 the lord is my shepherd. . .run your life, and i'll walk mine look for a vacant delusion, you call a sign i know what you 'see' will never come the parts of your life will never equal the sum so lose my friendship, and lose the truth pray in the pew, i know as a booth giving its control, you take with gratitude feeding you the poision you think is food fuck christianity, fuck what it's done and praise the truth it tries to shun! you won't know this until you die but there is no heaven in the sky the man upstairs died long ago as did the one who wept deep down below they existed only in our minds, and died with truth, and scientific finds the truth awaits those with open eyes whose christian lies they know to despise but be like everyone, like a sheep and from the cliff of faith you too will leap! 1998011302tid242 Helping Open Peoples' EyesSmiles make tears And hope makes fears Haste makes waste As love kills taste I lose what I find And see that I'm blind [I feel warm] [As I embrace the norm] I feel love In each hurtful shove There's sex in my violence And none in silence And I hurt When I don't insert What I need When you don't bleed Is What you see Inside of me So, when inside you I grope My smiles make you hope. 1998011801tid242 Controlling TearsI am crying now, so feel my tears Like the blood we shared all those years Feel my hopes, as they die in my brain Feel the burden, which makes me insane Why did you go? Why did you leave? Where are you now? After that dreadful eve? I never said "I love you," I never said goodbye And after you left, you never saw me cry As I do now, spilling into my hands These tears are my wishes, dreams and demands For you to come back, up this downward slant But as I look to the stars, I know you can't So I sit alone, and cry and cry Why am I alone? And why did you die? 1998011802tid242 already goneyou tie me in knots, wrapped around your finger like an evil engagement ring you do not want like a prisoner you keep me, hold me, and destroy me i lie in pieces and weigh lightly on your heart and i feel it beat faster when you are with someone else your smile gives me life, as it kills me and your embrace gives me the warmth i can no longer make myself this tattered dignity i hold for you and is all i have left in this broken life and i beg you, Pleas[e]! let me go, or let me die but you make me stay and make me cry my smile for you is never returned and my love for you is the hate i earned i am not worthy of what i am and i am nothing to anyone anyway and so i'm fading out, sick and away. 1998011901tid242 the drink of the godsdrip, drip, drip i watch with eager distain as i drain away as drop after drop of my red life soaks into the carpet as drop after drop of my life's mistakes, suddenly become fixed i wreak forgiveness as i cut my life away the deeper the razor cleaves into my flesh, the more demons spill out of me the more people love me, the more i love myself maybe with my grandeous farewell people will understand my friends, my parents, my teachers, my church, this sad world maybe then they will see my life, feel my pain, and share this death with me, this last supper turning my blood to booze and this bread to crack this decendancy to a better place i say goodbye, but i mean hello, i disappear to be remembered and i kill myself, for that is proof that i was alive. 1998012301tid242 untitledlet me alone, let me regress help me believe this loneliness stop holding on to this setting sun i'm already gone i'm not your chosen one you're wasting your time for mimes do not speak and the answers i have are not those you seek i am what i am and i feel alone as i nap upon this pillow of stone this world rejects me, as do i as i cannot be the sex-pie in the sky we're all broke sometimes - fucking broken i speak sometimes - but it's never fucking spoken every blink, every glare every wink, every stare every joke i gut every poke in slut the latex i shuck is the voice i fuck it's not for me, it's for everybody who's had enough of this fucking culture this fucking world i am the unabomber of words the aftermath of herds i'm fucked up, but at least i'm sane at least i can feel this stolen pain this pseudo-pleasure doesn't buy me with this sad devotion only i can see you're fucked up, but at you're sane because you don't feel your god-given pain this sad devotion steals you away and it's homage for the shit in which you pay so say "goodbye" as i disappear it's time for time, as time draws near. i'm sick of waiting for a fucking life i'm sick of waiting in all this strife so i leave you now as i leave this hell whose horrible light helps us dwell forget the computers, the telephones and cars forget the pope, preachers, and tzars fuck the bible, the satanic book and fuck the author, the sickest crook fuck this sick life you receive and fuck the god in which you believe! 1998030801tid242 untitledi feel this slow emptiness as it spills out of me and eats eats my wishes, my desires eats everything i so long aspired to be it takes away the future that i never had as it takes away the present hurt and steals away my haunting past i don't live, i just am i exist in a mundane stupor of consciousness as i go about my daily life i forget what i am who i am, my individuality is lost is taken because i am like everyone else just like my peers, and my lovers and my killers i forget to oppose the unwilling majority who pressure me into this sick lie i want to be me, own myself and live the life i choose stop being me, coveting my thoughts and choosing my future fate is bullshit except when you make it for me but i am making my own fate, as well as yours alas one day the tables will turn the hierarchy will be overturned and reality will overcome the overzealous priests will decend to their sick heaven and the thinkers will celebrate in the pope's hell we will live in a world of reason a world of truth and a world of diversity no more oppression no more heretical slaughter and no more madness our greatest teacher has perhaps become our greatest killer as the greatest truth has become the greatest lie the christain symbol of eternal life is the real world symbol of death stand in madness, or lie in pools of blood life is lost because we are to scared to live it we are afraid of nothing, because it doesn't exist fear of hell fear of society's opinions and fear of god so we do nothing, feel nothing and become nothing we rid ourselves of life and think we are appeasing some arcane being we live worthless lives and expect to be loved we become nothing and expect everything everything to be handed to us right on a fucking silver platter we all get what we deserve and that's why we die some just get it sooner than others the lucky ones anyway for they are at least someone when they die the longer we live the less we become you think it's lucky to die old? to die a senile old man who no one likes no one knows and no one wants because no one cares dying old is proof that our society our lives and our gods are all bullshit they are all backwards i feel this emptiness now so at least i am something i just hope i die feeling empty because then i will know i have lived lived a truthful life anyway and i only wish the same for you 1998030802tid242 untitledthis rage which wells up inside me it cannot be contained this contempt for the animosity which tortures this mundane existence of this sick sadistic devotion to this cypherous way of life coupled with this christain-like desire to be like everyone else is like the fattened calf to be slaughtered upon the return of the prodigal son so unlike the prodigy that is stoned for the truth which he professes to be someone means death, to be smitted out of existence. to be like everyone means never existing, to be forgotten even before you theoretically exist the question is not "to be, or not to be" it is "to exist in death, or never exist at all" so sick is this shit-faced society shit like the 2 faces of booze and disease the booze of religion, the disease of wasting proportions, which kills softly with a kiss you smell the booze [religion] and hear your calling, so enthrawled are you by this inebriation that you fail to notice that you catch the disease we are all fucking carriers, we are all flagships to this wretched navy but what is a flag-ship if flag-ships comprise the entire fleet? what then is a prophet of religion? fuck all you bible-beating-brainwashed-bamboozlers. i will not pay $5.00 per minute to talk to my psychic hotline gods there are no gods, and the only satan is the obtuse notion of their existence you are making yourself see what is not there you are making yourself think what is childish and arrogant fantasy is a dangerous occupation, as is being a prophet falsifying yourself and your anthropocentric god making yourself believe you are special telling others they are special if they follow your footsteps right over a fucking cliff spread the disease, share the wealth justify your pitiful existence by hurting others then maybe in the end will they understand this rage which only i feel this hurt for everyone, because they are too incompetent to feel it because no one knows the truth, no one knows reality and no one ever will because there is nothing that we don't already have nothing beyond this life the smartest animal is perhaps the more ignorant and this ignorance is proving to be our greatest gift our greatest deciet and our greatest folly. 1998031101tid242 untitled
his darkened heart, his darkened facegod's dead complexion inside his face this bitter bile with bitter taste this basic acid that feeds his haste put it in, fuck around pull it out, forget its sound he gets her off, and says he'll stay then peels her off and throws her away. 1998041301tid242 untitledi am never going to find answers to all these fucking questions and i will never find truth in all these fucking lies i want control but i want release as i want to kill this want to live give me something! i'm sick of waiting take my everything! i have nothing i am nothing so give me something! make me a tiny piece of you make me one more fucking number for your sick cause kill me, so that i may live crush this grief and give me sin take this soul and suck me in i am already gone, but please hold on i'm sick of falling i'm sick of calling i'm sick of crying i'm sick of dying everything i am is ending all these mistakes are mending one big fucking lie is just one big fucking high like a fucking bad trip like that first poison sip like the first penetration like the thought of salvation i can't keep up with myself and i just can't keep holding on. 1998041901tid242 untitledi'm so alone and yet so broken all this means nothing but i flaunt it anyway whatever happened to my life? wherever went all my dreams? it's as if one day i suddenly had nothing i counted my chickens before they hatched and all i have now are rotten eggs, sulfurous death and scattered shells, painted in easter colors the colors of the meek, the colors of the weak like my once fruitful mind, the shells lie scattered broken and destroyed, only showing pieces of their former glory what did the eggs look like? i don't know. . . i can't fucking remember my thoughts are gone, my eyes no longer shine i kill with my thoughts and see death with these eyes i feel cold with my touch and hear ringing in my ears it smells of pestulence and tastes of bile but this is my world, this is my life, this is me how have i come so far down this fucking ladder? straight through hell and into my soul it's as if i'm a fucking martyr for myself once sacrificed i will be like everyone else mindless and dead onto the world no thoughts, no feelings, no tears for this pain and no fear for this world, because the absent god will protect me fucking conform and fucking regress, it's kill and be killed one pillar of holy fire, and one toppled cornerstone of faith the death of one gives life to the many fool martyr, obedient shepherd, noble lord, righteous king too bad the truth doesn't come with death too bad the truth never comes no matter how hard i try no matter how much i cry the truth eludes the truth denies like a mythical god that never shows the truth remains hidden so hidden that no one even remembers what it means these lies have become truth and this crime has become law we all win because we lose and we all die because we live it hurts, it kills it smiles and it rapes because we are all "it" all a part of this vicious circle all a part of this great lie and all a part of our own demise 1998041902tid242 untitledand demon's scent falls in my arms perversion wreaks of sunken charms uplifting light in the darkest plight blinds my sight to its wretched might untouchable things are what it sings of murderous kings on stolen wings it all dies fast, this broken mast the spell now cast, upon my chaste i fall off my feet, my heart off beat how nice to meet, the no longer elite i sit in the dark and live the stark i bear the mark of the bloodied shark a predator, a fighter, doomed to die discreditor, a hider, and assumed to cry and demon's scent becomes my charms as perversion wreaks of lover's arms the hug is death the love is fate my kiss is rest and laid to hate my mouth is fire inside of yours my flesh is dire as are my chores so live now, far from late for your fate is sealed upon this date. 1998070101tid242 untitledher ragged hair atop this jagged high self destructive light, in this hallowed sky breath deep and thirst, for you now will fly and quench the meaning of this greatest lie her perfect body, this perfect face her soft thighs, wrapped in this satin lace she lets you smell, she lets you taste your christian morals laid down to waste her soft thighs exposed for you your soft eyes take in the new this soft disease, you lay beside this flawed flesh she knows to hide her silken legs like gluttons beg for this place you've never seen it chews and eats and tears like cleats of all the things you dream welcome to life, to betrayal welcome to the first horrific tale she fucks you softer than you fall your goliath thrusts, she takes them all lets you down, brings you crashing lets you die, and leaves you thrashing you want her still, but she's all done no longer needed, she's had her fun one night and there's the door i guess so much for loving a whore. 1998070501tid242 untitledthis is what i hate about liking you sitting by the phone wondering if i should call dialing all your digits but the last in doubtfulness drowned by the sound of my beating heart only to be awakened by the anxious phone losing its patience i hate being afraid to talk to the person i like the most i hate being here with you, when i'm all alone i'm nothing when i'm with you without you i am nothing when you hold my hand i have no control of my life, my words, my thoughts, my mind why live? why die? why love? why cry? so many thoughts that are not mine so many stars that never shine i lose myself because of you all the me's you never knew i see the games i never play and watch that ship just sail away. 1998080601tid242 untitledi sleep in darkness, my eyes still wide in this soft silence i try to hide from all these thoughts so abstract before that consume my life as they wash ashore bringing pieces of me crashing down of lives of sailors laid to drown of broken ships and toxic spills things fucked up by my life's ills am i the same, what have i done? do i still appease this chosen one? it seems my life is slip-sliding-falling it seems this babe cannot stop bawling i miss my life, i miss myself i miss the me, pictured on the shelf i have one life, and i want it back i have one dream, that cuts no slack i've changed, i'm different, i know this now life's so different once a drow! life disappoints again and again as life ticks by, sin by sin reflection does nothing, what's happened is done my eyes still wide, witness the rising sun i wish it was sleep, but i'm too fucked up sitting wide awake drinking this heathen cup sip after sip of all i did wrong as i weep to myself my own dead song sleep. . . sleep. . . it's light now and i'm still all alone too light to sleep, but i still feel dark inside i still feel empty wronged, hurt and broken. 1998080901tid242 elisaanother could-be friend, another fucked up dream. a shattered soul, with my hurtful scream. in my grasp and slipped away. this night of pain, in another [fucked up] day. i hurt, i kill. i love, i thrill. i give, i take. i'm so fucking fake. not me, not you, nor ever the same we both walk away from this vicious game. i've hurt so many, i hate so much. i heal so quickly, with this senseless touch. another hurt, another grief. running with sorrow, i am such a thief. gone and wasted, alone again. with no love tasted, in bile of sin. i do what's been done, and shatter the past. crashing down on me, i outleap my caste. so here i lie, shaking on the floor. and my eyes wander, looking for the door. another mistake, another regret. one day wasted, as the sun hath set. on beaches some walk hand in hand. and some sink alone, right through the sand. destined one path, dark, stark and lonely. one fate one mind and no one can own me! so here i sit, with proof once again anthro-vegabond i live without kin! 1998081801tid242 untitledas the blind man sees as he steps over the cliff my life becomes clear as i growl "what if" all hail sinners and flock to my banner grow from my hate and uncompromising manner feel the bitterness that i can't remember kill this gemini that i now dismember the different must close, the same must unite the gods must beg, and the brethren must fight the catholics are catholics, the jews are jews the idiotic trinity keep us locked in our pews opposites attract, but locked out of site i try to smile in darkness of plight a am my own savior, my god and antichrist my trickster, gimp and means for this heist lock me away and i'll fuck up the key. caged here i sit and always i'll be. 1998090101tid242 the story of my lifegod waits with open arms: but he isn't really there she waits will all her charms: but i just don't care i dream sweat dreams: but that's all they are i command feeling-filled regemes: but all they do is mar. - i can't sing nor speak, give nor feel without god, hope, love, nor zeal alone i live and alone i stay into this venomous world i seldom stray inside my bed, and inside my head the feeling's dead, and weighs of lead. sinking my head, heart and chest i guess so much for being the best... 1998090102tid242 untitledthis is the only time i'm not in control the only time i don't know me with all of this: i question who i am and why i can't be like the idiots around me the idiots who have all found contentment why i feel this hole inside me that was filled before even though i have lost nothing why i cannot feel the needs of others just my own why i cannot compromise to bring joy to others i can't play and i can't write i can't sing and i forget my voice my mind speaks in a language only i can hear a forgotten language forgotten in time i speak to myself, the only one who understands the only one who hears, and the only one who cares. 1998090103tid242 godboxthe box speaks and so we buy the box rests and so we cry the box is god for we of trash the box is god for those of cash it robs for the rich and curves the pitch... - it kills the poor, by sold out chore it takes us away and wants us to play it gives us AIDS in colorful cascades - the long disease to wither and die this sadistic might of the one great lie the god box the godbox all hail to the godbox! this bringer of smiles, sex and devotion the only thing that we have chosen the one thing we all must resent but love this new Ark of the Covenant! oh godbox, oh godbox. get me off and make me stay and covet my empty life away. "-and Pandora's box opened and all the evil things went out into the world. . . " life is the godbox! 1998091101tid242 untitledas this one last time i cry your name this time again i play your game the wickedness of the game i always condemn i said i wouldn't play, yet here i am sitting, shivering, laying in the snow wondering when you'll make me go i'm so tired of playing i just want to win but even when i quit, i'm still playing, and i lose yet again in my mind i reherse all the moves in my mind i feel the blood-channeled grooves in my mind i study all the clues but they're the wrong ones and so i lose only to play for all my lives only to feel all your knives cleaving my flesh and hurting my ears as your hateful tongue licks and leers the game, the game, i hate to play my life, my life, i hate today i walk this circle without reason nor rhyme i make orbit daily, and die every time 1998091102tid242 untitledso above you, inside this dirt so godlike making all this hurt i'm so pretty, but not inside was so lifelike, but i've already died fuck you over, and that's my life tear your heart, and twist this knife take it away and seal your soul one more thing inside this hole call me a whore, call me the bitch but you scream for more, and re-tear the stitch fresh blood fills my veins in your head my flesh remains so softly, it licks, and it kills away this life, drips and spills inside of you, and inside of me your sealed fate has made me free 1998092801tid242 untitledi see the faces turning i see the poor eyes close i see the hearts still yearning executed inside rows i see the trigger moving i see the rag-doll fall i hear the echos ringing i feel those poor souls call i see that this life's ending i know that i will die my horrible life is mending and i won't cry i know it's the best for me to not be living anymore i hate to live and to be when they know that i'm a whore 1998101201tid242 [some things]"some things i can't forgive" "some things i won't re-live" these words ringing inside my head as i fuck another inside my bed. 1998101401tid242 untitledthe senseless clatter the mindless chatter this sad devotion to this sick way to live pointless lives that pass by day those kept in the dark think they know kept in the hierarchy, high on low we talk nothing our whole fucking lives chatter away everything, cleaving like knives talk politics, popularity, bitterness and greed sing your soul and wish your own sick creed we fill our mouths with nothing and our lives with less we think we have everything, the more we regress sell your soul for your fucking lover yet speak nothing to give you cover whisper nonsense in my ear leer all those things i hate to hear we can't be alone, for we fear what we see we hate ourselves and all we can't be life is distractions, to take our minds off hate we binge and purge and live far from late never in the present, always in the past we speak of what happened and make hatred last we can't speak relevantly, it's too fucking much the world floors us, and is cold to the touch so wrap yourselves in your quasi-pseudo-lives live your hate and ignorance dies for perception is reality, this hate is real we cut so much leeway without a fucking keel diverging from true and gone with the wind we make our religions to know we've not sinned a straight line sure, but the wrong fucking way everything's divergent and lost in the fray. 1998101801tid242 untitledi turn the faces i see oh poor, please close the eye the yearning hearts are still me those i'm watching, i let die i pull the fucking triggers i drop the rag-doll in let die the kikes and niggers it's not my sin the hate is spreading through me will i die?-i don't know i hate and i am free i've come so low the best i've been is right here to feel nothing inside i love and have no fear because my soul already died 1998103001tid242 amber eyesher redlined thighs drip honey like a sex machine her tongue licks and leers of all the things i dream she calls me close, she tells me not to hide she lets me worship her and get off deep inside the sun glistens off her lips and the moon within her thighs seductive truth from her lips are what become of lies her cold hard amber eyes, this horrible warm hard me i shut my eyes and close them tight from all these things i see this fucking goddess which i just can't deserve all these things i know to say, but i don't have the nerve this life i live with her, the horrible things i've felt this stacked deck hand, which i've just been dealt fuck all my instincts and this animalistic desire fuck this horrible trechery sewn canabalistic fire i really did hate my life, but now i want it back the pathetic tortured me, and all the toys i lacked how could i have fallen so fucking goddamned far so infinitly far away from me this touchable fucking star so i love my star and fuck my star and touch her from within maybe god will forgive, for i've lost this life to sin 1998120401tid242 long lost lovefuck me now and destroy this grief adulterated sins are worth the wait, no matter how brief i have waited for this moment for at least a day but not for this, cut to the chase, enough fucking foreplay let me rape you as i have done before with one less friend i make myself more for sex, it is the last great frontier for me, i am the last great puppeteer i will show you a "love" you can have never known before but if you don't like what i give, there's the fucking door for you are not special, i need you not swimming into my net, doesn't mean i'll let you be caught why should i waste with you? there are plenty of whores who would all be willing to commit my pro-choice chores to make me happy, day and night my deeds unseen by their feeble sight just because i loved you before doesn't mean i love you still this hole inside me, it doesn't mean you can fill well, maybe you can waltz my dance go ahead, i'll give you one last chance so fuck me now, the wait has been brief take me away and crush this grief 1998xxxxxxtid242 dried upthe best thoughts come when i am gone pushed over the edge when i am nothing but sinew and brawn i fall from the ledge jagged rocks and shattered bones below i finally belong this termulous disease which i don't know live my weakness and i am strong i stare at myself, i stare into space i fall from the machine, i fall from grace lost to this world, i'm already broken what i hath say is just not spoken erased, ignored, locked from myself beaten and battered and given no health i'm so gone, i'm so not real there's so much here i just can't feel but i know it all and i heart the pain it kills me inside and makes me insane i see all parts of the biased deal i see the parts of me that won't fucking heal out of sight, out of mind i can't be hurt by what i can't find i turn out the light, and lose my touch i close my eyes, it hurts so much drown it away in all i am not i think too much, my passion's too hot in this world of the wandering machine of killer plastic models, pursed and lean i am of flesh, not of levers and gears but i become implanted as days become years i lose myself to this sick fucking culture which circles my flesh, and waits like a vulture nothing good has come of me being alive i am alone, alone my plight, oh i strive no one can see, no one understands no one feels my simple demands so i lie here awake and wish i was dead wish all these thoughts could escape my head i wish i was inhuman, just like you i wish these thoughts i never knew i wish i could....just walk away but deeds are not undone as night becomes day i'm still the same and you start anew you forget what's done and do what you do oh god, am i the only one who knows? to whom the truth exclusivly shows this dead world where no one thinks a world full of niggers, kikes, spiks and chinks nameless no ones without a face colored ignorance that takes up space it's not worth living it pays to be dumb to not see, not live, dead and numb the curse of wisdom is the pain i keep so finally at light it kills me to sleep. 1999011301tid242 untitledthere's something beautiful about not caring, about fucking someone so hard she cries and she bleeds it gives a certain sense of gratification and a feel of the power i've never had in my life at last someone feels what i want, who i am at last someone feels all of my hate in its powerful glory feels it for the brief instant in time when i put my life into hers and forever taint her with my poison wand a sickness that stays with her for the rest of her maimed life cannot love, cannot feel, neither i nor she because she now is a part of me it's a gift, it's a curse it hurts, it kills and it makes things worse everyone's grey, and red with blood the sickness kills and drowns like flood a horrible power so possessive makes my logical mind so recessive it gives to me what it takes from her and makes us both forget where we both once were it takes our lives so far from late and fills our tainted souls with hate. 1999020901tid242 untitledas the sun sets and night falls, my loneliness rises slowly it creeps up upon me, gnawing from my darkest recesses its eager mycelia metastasizing its way through my flesh everything i'm good at, means nothing, everyone i know suddenly disappears i wish for the nightlife, i wish for the sounds of the city of laughter, movies, the "clink" of forks on fine china, i wish for my place on the highway, headed toward a real distination headed toward a real life, a life of my own. i wish and i watch from my drab obliette window, i gaze upon all the people in the world outside, all the beautiful people who see me but never look inside, who laugh with me but fail to see i'm deeper all these people i can never know, can never love, nor ever feel all my smiles which go un-noticed, un-returned, unseen all my tears which fall silently, helplessly, harmfully, hopelessly, no one sees but me through my mornful bleary eyes some of us were born to walk alone to drive without passengers on the highway of life some of us were left with nothing inside, and nothing to love some of us were made of hearts set in stone and broken broken by the shallowness of others, i cannot feel, and i love nothing the fluttering of my heart dies slowly with the gaze into the face of one day in and day out, i've got my space of nothing but myself. stuck in my world of the plastic face, i am the phantom of the opera without a voice wich leaves me naked, cold and without a life and so one more night bleeds into day the razor in my flesh, drains me away, slowly, silently, torturously, without remorse and without pitty as the sun raises so does the shield, my plastic face to protect from the world around me one more day, day by day just more water under the bridge left behind an ocean of saddness a grey sea of complacency shrouded by a dreary sky the light outside, the dark inside no lanterns or smiling faces light the way along my path of life just bleak mundaneness portrayed by me park cobble-stone path, just wide enough for one, and shrowded by the everpresent cold of lonliness. 1999091001tid242 untitledi think i'm fucked up, but i'm just not sure as stark hatefullness washes upon me like so many times before the red hatred which becons me ashore they use my money, they use my sex they use me up and throw me away everything i am is taken from me everything i've had is what others have thrown away alone i think to myself, and alone i live alone people see me, and alone i stay locked inside this fucking world bound to this worthless life chained in my master's atic sedated by your cruel kiss gone is the laughter gone is the joy i see bleakness in the mirror i see hatred behind the wall of my eyes of the passion of one locked inside of the flightless dreams of a weighted heart i wait for your smile i wait for your voice i wait, i wait i fucking wait forever no more waiting for my own dear life no more hasting for something i was never ment to have i turn out the lights i turn out my lights i close the door i close my heart inside this room inside this cage the only thing that's real the only thing that's mine 1999091201tid242 untitledi sit, i sleep, i pray, and i die i dream of the things i can never have i dream of the things i have but can never use i wish i could scream tear this face from my body so that i may be what i am percieved a faceless nomad no one wants to see i watch as the lovers look away and the mothers cover the eyes of the children they look deep inside and turn away nauseated by the shallowness of the nothing inside me i am so nothing, and yet so everything so capible of the world inside its prison so capible of you inside your temple if only i wasn't here everything should be better everything could be better everything would be better but it's not it never gets better no matter how much i cry no matter how hard i wish and no matter how hard i pray, and try to believe in god believe in a god, which doesn't exist doesn't exist for me, anyway i clench the bars and scream but it's quiet and you don't even hear please, please. please. i hope you read this and give yourself a tiny piece of me i hope you cry and cry and cry because i cry every day every waking momen i cry, i cry, i cry we are not all blessed with sunshine we are not all blessed with love i wish you cared, but i know you don't i wish i cared, but i know i can't i wish my world would stop crashing down as it does every time i breath choking, stifling, heavy, burning, toxic presses my chest and stings my eyes stands on my back, my face in the mud i'm drowning and i'm tired of the water tired of the world, tired of you just let the gentle waves wash over me breaking my bones in the white=capped surf lying, broken and sore as i've always been lying beaten and finally free from sin my place isn't here, but it's really never my place i just don't belong, i'm not like the other kids just shouldn't be, i know this now there's something wrong inside me something horribly past its due something which becomes me smile, it's all for you. 1999091202tid242 untitledawake, awake i open my eyes to another day so early, in the day, before the world stirs i lie awake, i lie concious it is still the same world which put me asleep which now wakes me up this monotonous machine-like grinding of the city which kills my sleep away the less i feel, the more i become a part of the machine the more i learn, the more i become one of them listen to me, listen to my false teachings and false beliefs listen to me regurgitate the shit which has been shoved down my throat pumped into me, like a polluted salt marsh, between two worlds locked in limbo and good for nothing, nothing we seem to care about anyway the sun creeps into my window and taints my flesh its rays pour in and tan my hide, mark my skin darkening the reflection of me, making me unlike the others the warmth trickles in and sooths my aching self which has endured one more night of darkness one more night of pain of sorry, hurt and longing for all the things which are due to me, but never seem to arive even my god-given rights, my god-given gifts but it's not my god. not my belief and my faith no longer one little thing, one tinny little fucking word to me was all i asked, some hint that you were there, that you cared faith is for the stupid, you were silent, you aren't really there it's far past time when i can still believe it's far past time when i didn't question when i swallowed the medicine they gave me the anti-depressant which made me like the others that made me like you hollow, untrue, alone and afraid so sick, but pretending to be so alive full of lfe full of something we have none of none of those around me anyway so much pain in your name so many false hopes given to the many to satisfy the few it kills us and brings us away from the world this infernal machine we have created this statistical data-base where the few trod on the backs of the many we dislike the world and we turn to god we turn to ourselves and away from the world god is a tool which we use to alienate ourselves from all else alienate ourselves from reality psychiatric blisfulness on mental comatose with flatlined eyes we see the world and see our god see his hollowness in all we have become in all we wish for all the worthless endevors which we chooose to persue and in all of the people we hurt by our sick indifference indifference to everything but ourselves humanity has fallen the day man's god became more important thatn man, the world moved sliding down the slope into the hell we all believe is destined to us the hell we wish for our neighbors the hell we wish for our brothers the hell we wish for ourselves let it fall and let it burn, no one is up there no one watches over us no on will hear our screams no one would care anyway. 1999091203tid242 Progession of Solitudei look, and i look i look and see nothing i stare with these eyes at the ground while i walk people see me, and [i] just look away too ashamed of all the bad things things that consume me to see [them] eye to eye i am introverted, inward grief and pain i am extroverted, this ghost of me you see there's nothing, i'm nothing that no one you'll never meet that shadow you thought you knew but no one really did misunderstood, mistrusted, mishandled, misused misguided, misplaced, mistreated misanthrope eyed by all, known by none tears drop down but never seen so small and tiny, just not important the whore used up and left for dead once i loved, once i cared once i lived. fuck it it doesn't matter anymore then and now are different worlds am and was are different people this horrible regression which only i feel this horrible procession where only i kneel respect for forces greater than me chariot drawn horses, only i can see pulling ourselves, making our fate slave drawn brotheren sew the seeds of hate and nothing will ever fix this world. (111900) 1999092201tid242 untitledi'm here, i'm alone and this i see i just want an out, i just want to flee from life, from prision, slaves to ourselves this path chosen for me this path full of hell inside myself, me only relief the only thing yet pure untainted by your belief bruised by gawd and extrinsic culture drawn in by sunken sin and sexual lure desire is dangerous, i fucking have none before i blossom my life is done why this world is what it is how this life became a vacant stare delusional, hypocritical, hurtful and bare uit all means nothing, yet so fucking much it burns my life, but ice, cold, to touch searing my flesh...no searing my mind perversing everything true that i find you were real....once i was real....once i really did love you, but what was your name? i really do hate you, you all look the same seen 1, seen them all fucked 1, fucked them all cobwebs of love old and outdated spiderwebs of sed....all for 1 ensnaring, entraping, suffocating fornification, rectifying, personifying this monster you are, this beast i've become all this nothing-less inside. 1999092202tid242 untitledthe meaningless life you live and live for me locked on to you, when i walk the street so dead and broken and hurt inside since you've gone well, you were never really there so fuck it, i fucked you, but i'm still empty still vacant still nothing i walk and i see no one i see through all these pseudo-lives filled with ourselves i look at no one, lest they see my eyes so filled with hurt, sympathy and tears regress into something that i know is real regress into something no one liks the truth hurts, reality's bitter this bitter old man who sees truth this lonley boy who knows nothing of joy weary from fighting the unwinable war tired of battling himself and his own sick demons naive of the ills around naive of the ills within me, the walking contradiction who just isn't right can't fix what isn't broken but break what's fixed so break me make me like them drug my mind and make me believe because no happiness in truth only decay i know i'll like you when i'm just like them when i don't need purity when sin becomes law it's ending already i can feel it eating its way out of me crawling up my bones making me nausous and sick puking this world out like the cancer inside sapping, draining making me fall when it's done eating i'll be just like them 1999092203tid242 untitledas i sit here at night it all becomes clear everything makes sense as i read what i have written everything i have ever done means nothing it is unimportant wasteful, worthless i am unhappy and i write it comes so natural, so neat, and clean so uncomplicated like the world around me so free, unlike this life, locked into slavery by the whims of society, pressed into a life of serviturde by the thoughts of others so what if i'm different than you if i never went to college i smelt the raw materials that build your life not being like you doesn't make me less of a person being a slave doesn't mean i should do what you tell me just because i have no tangible chains binding my ankles doesn't mean i am free, bound by my place in society bound by the tethers chosen for me by my lack of complacency....now is my time, writting i break the bonds that lock me in my life on paper i do whatever the fuck i want whatever i need, to sustain what little sanity you've left me i pick up a pen, and suddenly everything means something you hang on every word like a whore you reap and you weep and beg for more suddenly i am in control and you're the one in the fucking hole standing there in all the shit weeping, wishing, pleading to have it the gift of hate to make you me the gift you think can make you free to express your hate with simple word that breaks the hearts of those who've heard all the shit i have to quell but never heard and never known 'till my seeds of hate were gently sewn in word, in song, in verse, in ryme shouted, spouted and lost in time found only now and now only seen this wretch you've made yet sharp and keen who cuts your fucking heart right out who taints your fucking life to lout worthelss and sick, slave to your hell just look at your lives, i know who fell you wish you saw just like me these cursed eyes from which i see cut and bloody and bruised by sin beaten and batttered by jealous kin they spit and they hate and wish i were dead they pluck the pedals and put me to bed chained, maimed i'll never be free halleluja, they hate, they're just like me 1999092901tid242 untitled [shadow] |
the cold wind upon the Heather.as i walk i can feel the air get colder that chill aura as the summer dies the bleak wind strips the trees of their leaves they have grown grey, brown and dead they crunch underfoot like a thousand dreams like a thousand tears, cried for you, died for you a thousand lies that hath been spoken, whispered, thought, remembered escaped your lips, my lips, our lips, together, no longer, nor ever again carelessly strewn about, listlessly, restlessly, hopelessly by the winds of change those cold winds of change the ever-shifting fruits of life sometimes grow sour like grapes in the mid-day sun so many lovers like ants, wait like vultures for that spoiled flesh wait like people watching their god, watching their television just another 30 minute block and gone are you from my life just one more thing this sickness called "god" hath taken from me hath stripped away, hath thrown away, hath fucked away another leaf turned grey, crunches underfoot with hardly a whince from me just one more leaf, why should i care? sometimes i think i am incapable of love, and a world giving sometimes i think the opposite is true my future is set, strong like the trees planted amongst these sidewalk lanterns spotted like phallic popsicles inside my brain tempting the strong....strong like the trees.... until the next cold wind blows change and all these leaves come sobbing down all these memories, dreams and hopes fall like nothing, in a sea of many they go unnoticed, and in this sea of faces yours slips away. 2000100903tid242 |